Used and left

[Usedandhurt]

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

[quote NextOnesaGreyGoose]@Frownette

You're posting on the wrong thread, please report your post.[/quote]
Yes I was, sorry

OP hope you can lick your wounds and heal and do something nice. You'll start to feel better soon.

@NextOnesaGreyGoose I reported myself.

Sorry OP.

That did come out incredibly irudish Bluntness. I meant in the context of the OP and her build up with this man, and women looking for similar to her.

Nothing wrong with NSA.

Everything wrong with putting a huge effort into leading someone on and future faking, then not even politely disassociating but instead almost immediately blocking.

Oh dear op - sorry you’re so upset

First rule of dating - if you want a long-term thing don’t have sex on the first date ...

Big hug x

The thing is, with OLD and even just with Mumsnet, it’s only words on a screen. Until you’re meeting up in person that’s all it is.

It’s so easy to get overly invested and attached to someone who doesn’t really exist in your real life yet when it’s hours of online interaction and calls. Meeting in person changes that and in a way seems to “reset” everything between you.

I use OLD but I am very clear I do not want a relationship but I’m equally uninterested in one night stands. I understand why you’re upset if you wanted a relationship and you were open about that - this man could happily choose to date someone like me who is open about NOT wanting that so it does seem a bit cruel he seems to have lied.

@Usedandhurt

I’m done with online dating - I was very honest with this guy about the fact that I don’t do casual sex- we had plans for me to visit him - he came to where I was staying - an apartment I have use of so no hotels booked- I’m clearly too sensitive

Actually I don't think you are. He was a shit to do that and then block you. Just because it happens, doesn't make it right. Don't let this put you off OP.

@Usedandhurt

He said he wanted a relationship- he told his family about me. Probably lies now I realise. Yes the first physical date but we had been virtually dating for weeks- he actually referred to me as his virtual girlfriend!

FFS, OP, you sound like 16yo, not middle-aged woman! If you going to believe everything any tom, dick or harry tells you, you better buy yourself few good self-help books ant start learning about life. Sorry to be so brutal, but I think you need it.

OP you didn't have a one night stand, you were talking lots to each other then met up and it happened then he went cold.

No need to feel guilt or shame, you'll recover, what do you like doing to make you happy? It's good that you'll feel warier in the future because you'll protect yourself more.

But for now just focus on happier things, you'll heal.

myname you sound like a nasty piece of work, perhaps you need to do some sort of course in how to interact with people as your statement above is just horrible. I dont think you are sorry at all for what you just wrote to the op.

Im glad to see that Mumsnet still has the decent sisterhood that we all look for but when I see some of the comments made to this woman who came here for help I despair.

She was used and she is very upset about it. She was treated poorly by this man, he lied to her. It could happen to any of us in the right circumstances so what is it with attacking her over it? She no doubt has learned her lesson but some of the posters on her seem to be playing out their own frustrations. I honestly wonder if some of the nasty posters on here have friends or are they too cowardly to show their true colours in real life?

From what I have read the op has had previous bad experiences, abuse etc and yet you still continue to dig at her. In the politest way possible if you dont have anything pleasant or positive to say jog on.

OP if you were my friend in real life I would be at your home with flowers and chocolates and a shoulder to cry on. This man was now who he portrayed himself to be. you seem so lovely and kind and he took advantage of that. I think you said he had children, well lets hope they arent learning that behaviour from him. If my sons behaved like that to any woman I would be so ashamed!!.

She was used and she is very upset about it. She was treated poorly by this man, he lied to her

Gosh, this determination to portray her as a victim and not entertain that it’s possible he just changed his mind, it happens. A lot.😱

Really Unless the op is hotter than fire and he had to go to such extraordinary lengths because he just couldn’t not shag her, then it’s more plausible he could get sex much easier than this, she’s no victim and he just changed his mind after the date.

It's not okay to ignore and then block someone almost immediately after sex. They were both middle aged, not young, he is responsible for his actions in coming on too strong and making her believe there was a relationship that didn't actually exist.

Standards are getting so low in dating and sex if this is such a controversial thread. I really just think the OP came on for support, as she said in her first post. I think it's sad that she's being held up as some sort of example of how naivete can be exploited and that's okay because everyone does it.

She was naive and she needs to learn to protect herself, that's what we should be focusing on, while offering support as she is clearly struggling.

There' s a lot of dicks out there, but I agree with someone here in saying that sometimes, there are other reasons why it all goes downhill. It's shitty, and the communication should be much better, but it happens.

I think men can get over excited - more so than women form what I've seen. They talk about moving in, about future plans, and BAM, they disappear. Some of them get cold feet. Other ones want to makes sure they're sexually compatible with someone and when things don't work out, they don't know what to say to the woman so they just cut themselves off. Other ones might meet someone and feel like there's just no chemistry there.

Charlotta20, no need to call me nasty at all. I have just told cold hard facts. The man could have changed his mind after meeting. He might have been interested, but, after sleeping with OP, became scared and got cold feet after reality hit. We don't know.
All we know is that OP invested too much in a two-week messaging and now expects him to proceed further. But what if he doesn't want that?
To me, fact that he told her about his family, send her pictures of them, shows that he was genuine, but something changed in him after spending some time together face2face.
OP, don't despair or blame yourself- you win some you loose some. No need to dwell on it too much. He didn't leave you after 5y and 3 kids together, it was just 2w messages and ONS.

@Bluntness100

She was used and she is very upset about it. She was treated poorly by this man, he lied to her

Gosh, this determination to portray her as a victim and not entertain that it’s possible he just changed his mind, it happens. A lot.😱

Really Unless the op is hotter than fire and he had to go to such extraordinary lengths because he just couldn’t not shag her, then it’s more plausible he could get sex much easier than this, she’s no victim and he just changed his mind after the date.

How can you blame her for becoming invested on the back of his interested he appears ‘told my kids about you, my family, can see you fitting in well....bla bla bla’

So he’s feeling all positive towards her, quite strongly as well (because you don’t tell your family etc about people you aren’t bothered about) he’s leading her down the bath a telling her they connect and he can see it going further etc

All the while OP is believing what he’s saying (and why would she not? If she’s not experienced this before then she has no reason to doubt him)

So they have a great night, they have sex and then he wakes up and doesn’t feel it at all.

Seems to me like bullshit.

You don’t change your mind over night literally. He led her down a merry path for a wonderful picnic so she thought....He scoffed his and her sarnies and then ran off! She’s standing there trying to figure out what just happened.

Thrill of the chase is a saying for a good reason. Notches on the bed poll is a saying for a reason.

My DH used to laugh at my naivety. If we have a child, he wants a boy because he knows how some men can behave. His friends, work colleagues, family members at the way some of them carry on.

bluntness im not sure if you are struggling with comprehending what actually took place here. This isnt a case that they were both trying this out for size to see if they fit well togther. This was a case where this man led this woman into thinking they were in a relationship. There was no confusion on her part. It was not a case of him changing his mind. I very much doubt that he suddenly had sex and then decided that it wasnt actually a relationship he was after. If he really didnt mean to hurt or use her and he wsa honorable then why the text and blocking of her number. Thats just pathetic.

He clearly did find her attractive as he was able to have sex with her. Can I suggest that you might need to re-evaulate how men treat you. If you think its normal for a guy to tell you he wants a relationship, sleep with you and then "change his mind", dump you by text and block you and you find that this is somehow acceptable then i would implore you to ask yourself if you really think that you arent worth more than that.

What you are bascially doing is giving some selfish asshole permission to use you and then patronise you by saying its a change of heart, no hard feelings and to save any pain for you he will tell you via text message. If you honesty think thats ok then I feel sorrier for you than the op. At least her mistake was genuinely from a position of trust. I fear yours would be from a position of choice, wherein you dont want to see the bad treatment, hence it will continue.

I mean he wants a boy because he wouldn’t want his dd getting too invested on that type of man.

@Charlotta20

Is spot on @Bluntness100

On the off chance you were right and genuinely wanted a relationship, but just so happened to change his mind the morning after they had sex, why be such an arsehole about it?

Ghosting someone is a pathetic thing to do especially by a man over 30!! Good god, how ridiculous.

I could understand if they’d met up in a bar, had a ONS then she kept messaging him etc.... that’s different as it was just sex and he made no suggestion it was anything more.

myname I say you are nasty as that is how you appear to me. you cannot present cold hard facts as you were not there, nor where you privy to the conversations that took place between these 2 people. What is a fact is that he met with the op after a period of time wherein he made very clear that he had long term intentions towards her. He then slept with her then left. If he didnt want to contiunue on then he simply could have called her and told her. He obviously had no issue communicating previously with her hence why she thought things were positive between them.

You are not in a position to say whether the op invested too much in a 2 week relationship, thats her decision not anyone elses, no matter what she did or didnt do he is the one behaving badly here!.

There's never any excuse for lack of basic manners or civility in adults. He was rude and blocked her after sex. Anyone would be upset by that, unless they are hardened to nail life toughness by a lifetime of casual dating and sex. Most people who have been married and then get divorced don't have that kind of experience to fall back upon.

Even the biggest gigolos are supposed to be adept in letting people down gently, being polite and not targeting women who are looking for relationships in the first place.

The speed at which he discarded her and then blocked her strongly suggests he didn't simply change his mind but that this was his aim all along and that he dies this quite often and has his discarding technique off pat for whatever woman is involved. He's breathtakingly rude and false.

If posters cannot recognise future faking for what it is, that's unfurtunate for them. A ONS after meeting someine in a club or on a night out is a lot less involved and alot more honest than something lije this.

I notice also that the op hasnt commented since she said she was blocking this thread, how awful that she felt so bad that she actually cannot face reading this anymore .

I dunno, you could argue that OP portrayed herself in one way - wanting a relationship, not into casual sex - then acted completely another way in person, and therefore made herself a liar as much as he did. It's no good saying you have these boundaries or standards and then dropping them completely as soon as you meet a smooth-talker. Too many women do, we don't have the courage of our convictions, we overlook red flags, we buy into bullshit.

incandescent I agree totally. it does seem like comfortable behaviour from him.

Category can you read the full thread please - she thought there was something between them, he wasnt someone she met in a bar that night.

It worries me that there appear to be so many women willing to back men like this up with this behaviour. Its not acceptable no matter what sex you are but when you are on a forum such as this where its mainly women you are conversing with you would at least expect some level of understanding.

I have read the full thread. That she thought there was more to it on the basis of messaging/calls and other bullshit doesn't take away from the fact it was the first time she met the guy. She deluded herself as much as he did. It's a hard lesson and I do sympathise to a certain extent, but she is an adult and she did drop her own principles.

@Charlotta20

I notice also that the op hasnt commented since she said she was blocking this thread, how awful that she felt so bad that she actually cannot face reading this anymore .

I totally agree, the OP came into this thread asking for support and a handhold and she received a significant amount of invalidation and ridicule. She did absolutely nothing wrong. She was honest throughout her transactions with the man she was talking to and she was honest in her thread. I think people who can't offer support when it is asked for shouldn't comment. The OP is a real person who was struggling, it was not a teaching or learning moment and it certainly was not an opportunity for others to put the boot in.