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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Used and left

247 replies

Usedandhurt · 31/08/2020 11:40

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

OP posts:
Original poster
Usedandhurt · 31/08/2020 12:05

I didn’t say he was the one - I thought there was something special between us - he says the same -

OP posts:
Original poster
Usedandhurt · 31/08/2020 12:05

It might not be logical but it’s hurt me!

OP posts:
VesperLynne · 31/08/2020 12:09

AnaViaSalamanca ; agree, totally.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/08/2020 12:09

I agree with @BertiesLanding and I think that approach would serve you well in the future OP
Think of this as a learning experience. Just because you are honest trustworthy and committed doesn’t mean the guys you meet aretoo. You did nothing wrong. He misled you. There is nothing wrong with you or your body. He always intended this to be a one nighter
I’m sorry you feel so miserable. But you can learn and grow from this. He will always be scum.

Take some time out from OLD. Remind yourself you are a good person with a lot to offer. And if you feel ready, try again there’s lots of tips on here about how to weed out the insincere time wasters with a different agenda to your own Or try Reddit’s female dating strategy

Wishing you well

TwentyViginti · 31/08/2020 12:14

It wasn't an old fashioned courtship. It was a phone/text thing, which gave a false sense of togetherness and intimacy.

Next time, a few texts over a few days, a phonecall or two and instigate a quick meet for coffee.

Sakurami · 31/08/2020 12:15

Hi lovely.

3 weeks ago you didn't even know he existed. Dating is about getting to know someone and seeing if it develops. You can't know that after 2 weeks and only a few hours spent together.

Take it easy, don't worry about having had sex with him. Hopefully you enjoyed it.

I've realised I can't do casual sex because I get feelings for someone even if I shouldn't. So from now on, I won't sleep with someone until I am a but surer. But equally, I don't feel dirty or used because I had sex with someone. I enjoyed it and wanted it at the time. It wasn't a prize in exchange for a relationship.

Alongcameacat · 31/08/2020 12:17

Feeling dirty and used is about your own feelings about sex out with relationships. Next time don’t have sex on your first meeting but meet him a few time’s and then decide, if you wish to go there and learn from this experience that sex is for you something that is part of a relationship.

This is really really good advice OP.

I wonder too if some of your feelings that you are referring to as shame is really humiliation and a dent in pride? That is understandable.
It helps to know what you are comfortable with sexually and progressing only in a more established relationship. But ultimately as long as you are safe, sex is just an act. For many a long kissing session is more intimate. Try to see it from another perspective. And thank your stars you dodged that guy!

BertiesLanding · 31/08/2020 12:18

@Usedandhurt

I didn’t say he was the one - I thought there was something special between us - he says the same -
The problem with the digital medium is that it builds false intimacy - very quickly and very convincingly. However it's all projection; you know nothing of the real person - that takes much longer to come out, and nothing beats meeting someone face-to-face several times to start to get an idea of them.

But exchanging messages about yourself, your innermost thoughts, your life? That's not real. I'm so sorry for you, OP, but it isn't.

Women lose money to 12 year olds in Nigeria because they fall for the illusion of reality. And none of us is immune, so this is no criticism of you. But the best thing is to dispense with the myriad messages and meet up in real life as soon as possible. Then wait, wait, and wait some more.

AdventureCode · 31/08/2020 12:20

Hi OP I would feel the same as you, it must feel awful especially after him blocking you. It seems such a slap in the face.
I've just started online dating too, and whilst the men do seem nice, I worry how many are genuine too.
I'd say completely block it from your mind as if you never met him, its his issue not yours. Don't let it linger in your mind. Move on to the next, and just learn from it.

faithfulbird · 31/08/2020 12:27

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Obviously this guy is a first class jerk and probably does the same with other women. Block him and don't ever talk to him again. I know he's blocked you but he might come back to see if he can any more from you (physically). It wasn't your fault at all. Cry and let it out. You'll find someone better.

user14562156358 · 31/08/2020 12:34

Your expectations of how well you know someone you've never met and how fast it is healthy for a genuine relationship to move are way off.

You do not know someone you have never met (least of all after two weeks). Anyone who is promising the earth at that stage is someone you should be running from. Whether in person or over text. Two weeks, op! Come on!

we literally told each other family secrets! - he told me about his worries around his children- talked about his friends - the marital issues one of his siblings was experiencing

That's not normal. You'd been talking over text for two weeks. You'd never met. You did not know each other. (And everything he shared could have been fiction to force bonding.)

Don't do that again - offline or online. If someone wants a genuine relationship with you then there is time to gradually build a connection and trust. Forcing it with false intimacy is a mistake and leaves you vulnerable to be manipulated.

The sex might be the part you're feeling hurt over, but the rest of this is a glaring red warning sign you still don't appear to be seeing. Can you understand it's not normal or sensible to be spilling your guts and trusting a stranger with intimate details of your life when you've never met them? Would you do that with a randomer at the train station or supermarket queue? Because they're as close and well known to you as he was.

You do not and cannot know someone you have never met. You only know the version of them they want you to see and your own idealised version of who you want them to be.

That's who you built a "connection" with here - your own fantasy. I'm sorry you've learnt that the hard way.

AbbieFB · 31/08/2020 12:35

Discussing family secrets with someone you’ve only known for two weeks and never met is very naive. How could you possibly have thought you knew him well enough to do this?

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you. No harm in having sex with someone whenever you choose to, but I understand you feeling used when your expectation was that it was the start of something not the end.

Be less trusting next time!

jessycake · 31/08/2020 12:36

Try not to feel bad , you will be much wiser next time, but do accept he was a stranger despite what it felt like, it was perhaps too intense. He may have genuinely thought a relationship would work but the chemistry wasn't there for him , or he could be stringing other women along too. But that doesnt mean there is not someone else out there for you x

Onlythepoets · 31/08/2020 12:37

What if you had woken up the day after and felt you didn’t want to see him again? You liked him but he just wasn’t what you were looking for. It wouldn’t make you ‘scum’ as a pp said. It wouldn’t make you a user. It just didn’t work out. He is quite entitled to do what he did.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/08/2020 12:42

You are allowed to feel the way you feel. Nobody is going to tell you you are wrong to feel disgusted or upset. You are entitled to your feelings.

Now, pull your big girl pants up, take a deep breath and make a mental note of all the things you've learned from this. Don't invest too much in first dates, don't chat for too long before meeting, don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with, and words are cheap, only actions matter.

You will be fine. Don't waste time feeling mortified about yourself or your behaviour, trust me, HE won't be. Take it as a lesson learned.

Alongcameacat · 31/08/2020 12:45

It just didn’t work out. He is quite entitled to do what he did.

It isn’t what he did as much as how he did it though.
A decent person would have picked up the phone and said that, not blocked the other person. That was a shitty thing to do.
The OP wasn’t to know he was like that so no point hitting herself with a stick over something someone else did.

TableFlowerss · 31/08/2020 12:45

Don’t feel dirty OP. You went in good faith and had a nice time.

He’s an absolute shit bag and gives men a bad name. Nothing wrong at all in wanting ONS but to pretend he wanted more is absolutely terrible. You’re well shot if that’s what he’s capable of.

Disgusting on his part. Just be mindful that this is quite common

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 13:06

A decent person would have picked up the phone and said that, not blocked the other person

Plenty of decent people end relationships by text. And this was one date. Not a relationship by any stretch of the imagination. I can’t see how it makes him a bad person because he took the cowardly way out of telling her wasn’t interested in anything further via text. In fact most folks after one date would rather a text than a phone call to say thanks but no thanks.

I’d get your point if it was a relationship or something, but not one date.

MintyMabel · 31/08/2020 13:25

I’m quite old fashioned about sex

Not so old fashioned that you wouldn't have sex on a first date, though.

It happens. Chalk it up to experience and move on. Maybe next time don't share family secrets with someone you've only known for a couple of weeks.

Alongcameacat · 31/08/2020 13:25

It is easier to say something negative by text and I have done it myself when younger. I hope as an adult/parent I wouldn’t do that after sleeping with someone who had poured out their heart to me though.
I think the OP would have found it easier if he had spoken to her however briefly.
As a PP said it is too easy to fall for the illusion when online dating.

Original poster
Usedandhurt · 31/08/2020 13:26

I think if I felt that it wasn’t going to work that I would be up front about it - certainly my not over a text message. My parents met and married very quickly - 12 weeks exactly from first date to marriage- it’s still going strong!

If I’m naive and silly then so be it!- I’m open and warm and I’m hoping someone will appreciate that. Thanks to all for your support - to the posters who are telling me to wise up etc - maybe you are right - I’m too trusting. That’s who I am though and that’s why it hurts

OP posts:
LadyH846 · 31/08/2020 13:29

@Usedandhurt

He said he wanted a relationship- he told his family about me. Probably lies now I realise. Yes the first physical date but we had been virtually dating for weeks- he actually referred to me as his virtual girlfriend!
Sorry OP but you got duped by a user on OLD. It's not your fault.

The best way to protect yourself against these kinds of users is to wait a while to sleep with anyone. A user isn't going to stick around if you make him wait long for sex.

LadyH846 · 31/08/2020 13:31

It is really bad form to pretend you want a relationship if you're only after sex. He knows this. He's not a good person and so it's better that he doesn't want anything more to do with you.

category12 · 31/08/2020 13:33

Don't over-invest in online chat - it's pretty meaningless, as you've discovered. It creates a false sense of intimacy.

While you say you're not into casual sex, you went to bed with the guy first time you met him! There's nothing wrong with having sex the first time you meet someone, but don't fool yourself when you do it.

Spandang · 31/08/2020 13:45

You kind of have to go there to come back I think. I went through online dating, it’s how I met my partner and it was five dates before I stayed at his home. But I spent a long time dating people who would be one thing on the internet and one thing in person.

Anyone who described me as a virtual girlfriend, anyone who had said they’d told their family about me while not meeting would’ve been setting off my red flag alarm. It’s too much, too soon, for any normal person with boundaries.

Long distance - it sometimes does the same. The problem is that when you meet it’s heightened, it’s special, but you don’t necessarily do the mundane dull stuff or talk about the hard things because time is precious.

OP don’t bin OLD because you went on one date and it ended in a ONS. Just learn from it, put a few boundaries in place to protect yourself. Anyone who is worth it will have them too.

And the best advice as someone up thread has said, don’t get overly involved in chat before meeting. It suckers you in. You create a picture in your mind of who this person is, you believe you already trust them, believe you already have a connection with them and often it’s not real.