Used and left

[Usedandhurt]

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

@rvby

Honestly, I think it's a big coincidence for him to be sure it would turn into a relationship.until the point they slept together and then, suddenly backtrack, quickly turning to blocking the OP. I really don't believe its okay to treat people like that, and I don't think it's excusable. I wouldn't have did that to another person. And if he is middle age, he should know better than to let his emotions lead him like that, he is still responsible for his actions whether he has poor interpersonal skills or not.

The OP moved quickly and let red flags go but her intentions were always to continue the relationship, she was honest. We will just have to agree to differ a little in this.

I actually tried to rein in at the start - he pursued me. We spent HOURS chatting. Maybe I shouldn’t have slept with him but I thought I could trust him. Both of us chose to have sex - I did it because I liked him and I thought he liked me and we were going to be together.

I am generally prudish I’ve been assaulted previously and it takes such a lot for me to let my barriers down- clearly with the wrong person. I don’t want to become someone completely different though. I also don’t want to be fooled again by a user.

I made very clear that it was a relationship that I wanted and he said the same. He said loads of really lovely things to me and definitely made me feel that we were at the start of a very special relationship

Blokes say stuff. You've just got to remember words are easy, especially in messaging. It's all make-believe until you properly know each other.

It's kind of sweet, but also kind of disturbing that you've got to middle-age without having learnt a bit of healthy cynicism. What's your relationship history?

I wouldn't give up OLD over one bad experience. But you can't afford to be fluffy and wide-eyed.

[quote NextOnesaGreyGoose]@rvby

Honestly, I think it's a big coincidence for him to be sure it would turn into a relationship.until the point they slept together and then, suddenly backtrack, quickly turning to blocking the OP. I really don't believe its okay to treat people like that, and I don't think it's excusable. I wouldn't have did that to another person. And if he is middle age, he should know better than to let his emotions lead him like that, he is still responsible for his actions whether he has poor interpersonal skills or not.

The OP moved quickly and let red flags go but her intentions were always to continue the relationship, she was honest. We will just have to agree to differ a little in this.[/quote]
I think it's ok to change your mind about a relationship at any time. Maybe you don't? Do I owe a man a relationship if I told him that I wanted one?

I've changed my mind about a man after shagging him... did that mean I treated him badly?

Cross-posted - I'm not sure I'd have said what I just did if I'd seen your latest post.

@Usedandhurt

I actually tried to rein in at the start - he pursued me. We spent HOURS chatting. Maybe I shouldn’t have slept with him but I thought I could trust him. Both of us chose to have sex - I did it because I liked him and I thought he liked me and we were going to be together.

I am generally prudish I’ve been assaulted previously and it takes such a lot for me to let my barriers down- clearly with the wrong person. I don’t want to become someone completely different though. I also don’t want to be fooled again by a user.

I'm so sorry you got hurt op.

In future never sleep with someone because you think that you're going to be together. It just doesn't work like that. I mean that with kindness, I really do.

Its very hard when you are trying to balance a traumatic past with an uncertain future. Every interaction feels risky, and the moment the risk seems lower, its so so easy to jump for it and cling to it a bit.

My heart goes out to you, dating is complicated and we are all very vulnerable in our own way. Take a few days to feel shit, and then perhaps start thinking of a game plan for the future. The online dating thread here is actually a very good one, maybe you could get some recommendations for books to read etc, will help you develop a strategy that addresses your specific worries and tender spots. Xx

I'd say the way you behave after you've changed your mind is what counts. Yes, of course anyone is free to realise that this person is not what they thought or what they want. But then the onus is on them to extricate themselves with just a jot of understanding for what the other person may feel.

After all, if you've spent the previous weeks pouring everything into pursuing someone, ending it all with just a text feels a little...cold. Messaging for hours and hours and chatting and being open and then sleeping with someone and going 'nah' isn't good manners. Just making a phone call and saying that they've appreciated the time together but feel you want different things or that it can't go any further makes ending things so much neater. And better mannered.

@rvby

I think we are getting a little at cross purposes here. It's my opinion that the OP was treated badly by this man and I am entitled to share that opinion with the OP. He let the OP believe that this was the beginning of a relationship when they slept together... Knowing it meant a lot to her. And then the next day blocked her. If you did that then yes I think you treated the man you were with badly. I do however think of course that you can end a relationship at any time. To me this isn't about ending a relationship though, it's about saying the right things until someone has sex with you and then immediately backtracking in those things that were said.

Where have I said you owe a person a relationship if you sleep with them? I believe you owe them honesty before sleeping with them. I'm not going to argue about it.

I agree about the healthy cynicism warning. If someone called me his ‘virtual girlfriend’ and told me he had told his family about me, I would back off and it would put me off meeting them in the first place.

You can still be warm and open but keep something back when you haven’t even met.

Ah op this is very sad. He’s not a user because he changed his mind about having a relationship with you and he didn’t owe it to you because you thought he did and he’d said so. Even marriage vows aren’t that binding.

Look you had one date. He thought on talking to you there could be something there, on meeting and after the date he decided otherwise. No one can predict “I’m going to have a special relationship with this person” when they don’t know them and have only chatted on face time, texted and had one date.

You both got it wrong, just dust yourself off and accept this wasn’t to be, you had a fun night and that’s it.

I do however think of course that you can end a relationship at any time. To me this isn't about ending a relationship though, it's about saying the right things until someone has sex with you and then immediately backtracking in those things that were said

Can you really not see how Illogical and contradictory your statement is? You say he’s welcome to end a relationship but then say basically he can’t do it after the first date And call it back tracking. This wasn’t even a relationship. It was one date .

Either he’s allowed to change his mind and end it or not. Make your mind up.

[quote NextOnesaGreyGoose]@rvby

I think we are getting a little at cross purposes here. It's my opinion that the OP was treated badly by this man and I am entitled to share that opinion with the OP. He let the OP believe that this was the beginning of a relationship when they slept together... Knowing it meant a lot to her. And then the next day blocked her. If you did that then yes I think you treated the man you were with badly. I do however think of course that you can end a relationship at any time. To me this isn't about ending a relationship though, it's about saying the right things until someone has sex with you and then immediately backtracking in those things that were said.

Where have I said you owe a person a relationship if you sleep with them? I believe you owe them honesty before sleeping with them. I'm not going to argue about it.[/quote]
You can share whatever you like. I'm challenging you on the idea you have that the man was dishonest. He may just have been a non self aware person who wants intimacy but has shit relationship skills and difficulty even being honest with himself. I highlight those things because in my experience, developing compassion for the other person is a quicker way of letting go of hurt, vs. working oneself up into a lather about how awful they were to you and how hard done by you are etc.

You don't know that he was "saying the right things" in a dishonest way... some folk think that relationships work that way, you "say the right things" and that's how things progress. As a culture we are terrible at dating.

He didn't just block her - he told her he didn't want a relationship anymore, he was honest. She responded with a message that probably made him feel awful, so he blocked her.... I've done that before myself, yes.

Demonizing him doesn't support the OP, it just encourages black and white thinking where there are "good men" and "bad men" etc., which in turn sets her up to pin her hopes on the next "good man".... etc. etc.

I'm not arguing with you really, I just think you haven't thought through your approach on this. Most women haven't, tbf. We have a set of automatic responses to dating situations, the OP is an example of that - those responses cause a great deal of pain.

I’ve just joined OLD very recently. he was the third person I met. The first guy was lovely but the attraction wasn’t there. I declined a second date with him but I did it kindly. Second guy was great fun but was getting steadily more obnoxious.

This guy won me over. I can come across as quite a confident person and I can hold my own in a conversation but I’m honest to a fault. My friends tell me they gravitate towards me as I don’t judge. I hear secrets you wouldn’t believe from people I am not particularly close to - I’m empathic apparently.

This has hurt me!- those telling me toughen up - I hear you but I’m not there yet. I’ve cried most of today - that might be silly to some but this is very real to me.

@rvby - I think you're being naive if you believe this man genuinely believed they were going to be together before he slept with her, and suddenly realised they weren't, afterwards.

There's a word for a man like that, a cad.

Some men are decent, some are not. To say otherwise is naive.

I’m sorry you feel so hurt OP, this man used you and is a shit. He was attracted to you otherwise he wouldn’t have had sex with you. He was just after the one thing and is likely very practiced in being dishonest with women to get what he wants. You are obviously a kind and genuine person and sadly he isn’t. Don’t change your lovely personality though like your friends have said, just be more guarded in future.

The old adage time is a great healer is so true. Just let yourself recover from this. I’m glad you have supportive friends. I would suggest you concentrate on doing things that make you happy.
When you feel up to it think about starting up some new hobbies and interests and see where that leads you.

Ach op, I think you just got over invested in a fantasy too quickly that’s all. It is not real untill you’ve been together for a few months and get to know each other, then decide if it is a relationship that has legs..💐

Next time be more wise. It was just sex. Move on.

[quote LadyH846]@rvby - I think you're being naive if you believe this man genuinely believed they were going to be together before he slept with her, and suddenly realised they weren't, afterwards.

There's a word for a man like that, a cad.

Some men are decent, some are not. To say otherwise is naive.[/quote]
These Victorian responses about "cads" and so on are great fun.

Women love to hoik their bosoms about "cads" and "bounders", I know. But there are cheaper, quicker ways of getting shags - really there are. Occam's Razor will tell you that if the man feels an enjoyable spark, he stays around for more - and if he doesn't, he ends it. No-one's fault, and not a moral failing.

Women call men names for it because it makes them feel better when their feelings are hurt. I have myself been called names by men for not wanting to continue after the test drive as well, it's just one of those things, I get it - it's easier to be scandalized by "bad men" than to admit that human relationships are full of uncertainty and risk.

@Bluntness100

Okay. To clarify what I think. I think it's wrong to pour a lot of time and energy into talking and texting over a couple of weeks, spend an evening with that person , have sex with that person and then dump and block within 24 hours. I think he would probably have known he didn't want to continue the relationship before they had sex. I think it's unpleasant behaviour and I would never treat someone like that.

When I say you can end a relationship at any time, I don't think it's acceptable to use that person for sex HOURS before you do it. When you have made the other person believe the relationship is ongoing and when the person has stated that they don't like having casual sex. So basically what I'm saying is ,again, the ending the relationship isn't what he did wrong. It was making the OP believe in the potential of the relationship before they had sex that was wrong. And even if he was unsure he shouldn't have promised a future that he was unsure if... Should he?

This is my opinion, Mumsnet is for everyone's opinions. I'm not being rude or objectionable so I would appreciate being allowed to share my opinion. Thank you.

Just to add OP, I don’t think you are silly at all for crying, you are hurt and this is understandable. But this will pass. In time I think you will see that you had a lucky escape from this man.
Try and take your mind off this, watch some silly comedy films, go out for a walk and get some fresh air, treat yourself to some nice food.
You will feel better very soon, you just need to get past this initial stage of sadness.

I think he would probably have known he didn't want to continue the relationship before they had sex

But you don’t know. Like I don’t know. The whole date, may have made him decide otherwise. Why are you hell bent on making her feel worse. Fighting tooth and nail that she was used and should know it so you’ll just keep telling her?

It simply could have been he had a great night meant what he said, but on balance felt he didn’t wish a repeat or a relationship so elected not to continue.

Sorry that you got stung by this liar.

What I've found is that men lie. The lied and lie some more. They figured out pretending to be sincere and telling women what they want to hear will get them quick sex.

Just remember that no matter how long you're talking and chatting with someone online, they are still a stranger. And don't believe a word any of them say until they prove otherwise because they lie.

gisafag it wasn’t just sex to me! And for everyone saying he is allowed to change his mind - of course he is - but I imagine he knew from meeting me that night that he didn’t want anything going forward - before he slept with me. He knew I did want a relationship- so that was dishonest of him in my book.

He could have called me the next day and told me straight he didn’t want a relationship with me - not wait until I prompted him by asking was all ok as he hadn’t contacted me which was very unusual.

He dodged me that day saying he was busy with family etc - he only told the truth when I said I felt odd and was concerned at his lack of contact. Then he cane clean - I asked him why and said I felt very used and he blocked me.

I don’t think I deserved the callousness if it.

It was making the OP believe in the potential of the relationship before they had sex that was wrong. But there probably was potential? Why is it wrong to have hope? Are only women allowed to express hope as regards a burgeoning relationship?

And even if he was unsure he shouldn't have promised a future that he was unsure if... Should he? But he probably was sure? People are sure of things all the time and end up wrong.

To be clear, I don't actually care whether this particular man was honest or dishonest. Rather, I'm thinking of the impact of some of the ideas being fed to the OP.

You and loads of other people on this thread are reinforcing the idea that there are "decent men", and "users", and OP needs to find a "decent man" and then she will be OK/avoid pain. But that isn't true. OP needs to work on her boundaries and have a better game plan for dating. Otherwise she will end up hurt again and again. Even "decent men" can easily hurt a woman who isn't skilled in dating and assessing potential partners. OP herself explains that she felt red flags with this guy and tried to slow it down... but she allowed herself to be swept away nonetheless. That's on her, not him.

I'm not being rude or objectionable so I would appreciate being allowed to share my opinion. ... lol, you are allowed to share your opinion. It's just that your opinion has lots of logical holes in it, and they're being pointed out.

Having boundaries and only trusting people who have earned it does not change who you are. Why are you so convinced it would?

Is that how you cope with what happened to you in the past - by creating a sense of control built on "I'm going to trust everyone regardless of what that person did, they're not taking that away from me"? Do you feel like the person who hurt you would be "winning" if you had boundaries in your relationships?

Don't hinge your entire sense of identity on things that leave you unnecessarily unsafe and vulnerable.

You can be a kind and reliable friend to people without damaging yourself by walking around with no boundaries giving people opportunities to harm you because you're on a mission to prove what a kind person you are. That's not kindness.

Having boundaries is not an unkindness. Protecting your privacy is not being dishonest.

It sounds like you're trying to prove something to yourself by refusing to safeguard yourself. Your choice, but if you keep making space for people to hurt you then the ones who would bring good things to your life won't get a look in.