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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Used and left

247 replies

Usedandhurt · 31/08/2020 11:40

I feel so stupid writing this. I met a guy online - we live 2 hours apart but seemed to get on. We have spent the last 2 weeks texting, spending hours on the phone, he sent photos of his kids, siblings, parents. Told me things he said he didn’t tell anyone else. Invited me to his home etc.

I met him half way between our cities at the weekend- we had a great nite, food drinks, he ended up back at where I stayed and we had sex. The day after I heard very little from him. He seemed not to want to converse. We communicated via text and I asked him about it as it was so unusual- he confirmed- good night but didn’t want anything relationship wise out of it. I told Him I felt very used. He ignored it then blocked me.

I’m a middle aged woman and I’ve never had a one night stand. I am now feeling dirty, used and stupid. I let my guard down as I felt we were close. I can’t stop crying today and I’m so annoyed with myself. I suppose I want a virtual hand hug from my Mumsnet sisters - I feel so sick in myself. cry

OP posts:
JulieHere · 31/08/2020 13:51

I am so sorry to hear that. Flowers

Please don't feel bad. He is/was a jerk and has probably done this before many times. If you didn't use condoms get a check done.

You were looking for love and vulnerable and he reeled you in. He sounds horrible. Lucky escape.

edwinbear · 31/08/2020 14:01

OP the only person who should be feeling ashamed is him. You’re pride has taken a dent, that’s what’s causing the hurt, dust yourself down and move on.

crimsonlake · 31/08/2020 14:03

Put it down to experience, a learning curve and move on.
Lesson learnt, do not over invest in anyone you have not met, exchange a few text's, chat once on the phone and meet for a coffee. Oh and develop a thick skin.

millymollymoomoo · 31/08/2020 14:24

As others have said, don’t feel bad, it’s nothing you did or didnt do, chalk it up to experience.
Make sure you have safe sex and get back out there.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 14:41

Op I also think this is just disappointment and hurt pride. I’m not sure you can claim to be old fashioned about sex whilst shagging on the first date.

I think what you mean is you see sex as part of a relationship and you had thought you were in one and kind of lost sight it was the first date and first ever meeting and had only started talking a couple of weeks ago.

Also whilst that’s great about your parents, don’t try to emulate it or you’re going to get hurt again.

Bunnymumy · 31/08/2020 14:45

He love bombed you op.
Think about it like this, would you have thought to send him pictures of your family ect...to some guy you've been on a couple of days with? Of course not! Why? Because it is creepy.

You were flattered. But you should have been creeped out.

He was rushing things from the start. Pushing boundaries.

Those are clear warning signs.

Courtship isn't rushed. It doesn't feel like a whirlwind. It respects your boundaries.

He was a bad egg.
Live and learn.
It isnt your fault, shit happens. Some people are rotten. But you have to remember that real life isbt a fairytale and anyone trying to sell you one, is full of shit and looking to take advantage. Be thankful this one only wanted a leg over and not to strong you along further for an ego boost. Chalk it up to experience and just be more careful in future.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 14:51

But harsh to call him a bad egg. If it was a woman who had been talking to a guy for a couple of weeks, went on a first date, had sex and woke up the next day and said I had fun but I don’t think he is relationship material no one would be calling her rotten, scum or any other such shit.

Bunnymumy · 31/08/2020 15:02

But that's not what happened to op.

And if the roles were reversed, the woman would also be a shit.

You don't act like you want a relationship with someone in order to get them into bed. It's messed up. Just because a lot of people do it, does t make it ok or excusable.

jessstan2 · 31/08/2020 15:09

I'm so sorry, Used. It is hard but, frankly, you are well out of it. You will get over this and find someone eventually who wants more of a relationship.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 15:13

@Bunnymumy

I agree with you. Anybody can change their mind at any stage of a relationship but this guy was love bombing, creating false intimacy and future faking from the very start. The OP was genuine in her intentions, he wasn't. He was a prick. I hope you're feeling better OP.

scoobydoo1971 · 31/08/2020 15:17

I used to work with a man who acted very much like you have described here. He was always on dating apps procuring the next hit (and was loudly bragging about it in the office). To him, that is what they were, another one to add to the list...he had so many ladies on the go that he had to keep a note of live leads on his phone, and what he had said to whom. The worst thing was that he had a whatsapp group going with his mates and his brothers. They were sharing intimate details of their conquests and how many shags they had notched up...and how they had broken hearts after dropping women after the sex, or standing them up in remote locations (where the woman would have been inconvenienced to travel there). They enjoyed being cruel as a group, and they hated women really...looking back on this man now, I can see he was quite a sad, yet sadistic individual who felt unfulfilled and was bitter his ex-wife had left him. One of his ONS had got pregnant and he was furious to be paying child support on a baby he refused to see. He was teaching vulnerable young adults and it give me the shivers that someone like him was in charge of those minds. I heard that he was sacked from his job after I left, due to inappropriate conduct with a student (hushed up by the organisation). It would all fit with the character he was (user/ abuser).

Quite sure he is probably still on dating apps nowadays with his pub mates collecting more conquests with promises of relationships, companionship and so forth. What an empty pointless life he had, and you want to see this man you have been dealing with in the same light. Take care in the world of OLD, there are some very odd people lurking there.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 15:29

You don't act like you want a relationship with someone in order to get them into bed

But he might have thought he wanted a relationship with her. That’s the point. You don’t know his sole intent was sex. He may well have thought he wanted a relationship with her and for whatever reason after meeting decided against it.

I’d agree with you if they had had more than one date, but they’d never even met before.

Lovelynaughtycat · 31/08/2020 15:30

Learn not to take things at face value and don't ever think people will treat you by your own standards.
In the future, take a lot of time and wait until you Really know someone.
Rushing in rarely if ever works.
Most of all don't let this put you off meeting people, but you must proceed with caution as you will come across a lot of chancers like this one.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 15:42

@Bluntness100

In that case though shouldn't he have held back if he was waiting to see if there would be a relationship? It's still on him to do that. He was very full on with the OP until he slept with her and then disappeared in her. And shouldn't he have forgone sleeping with her knowing that she felt their was a future and he had probably decided that there wasn't going to be one?

Gemma2019 · 31/08/2020 15:43

Be really careful about sharing stuff like family secrets online with people you don't know. This bloke was just a shit who wanted sex, but someone else could easily use stuff to blackmail you or cause havoc in your life.

PamDemic · 31/08/2020 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Usedandhurt · 31/08/2020 16:28

Thanks for all your replies. I take responsibility for my part in it - in my defence he had told me several times that he knew I was genuine and he wouldn’t let me down. I believed him - wrongly I’d rightly I did - I was genuine in all that I said and did.

I made very clear that it was a relationship that I wanted and he said the same. He said loads of really lovely things to me and definitely made me feel that we were at the start of a very special relationship. I had actually said that I found it odd how relaxed we were together so quickly and he reassured me. If I’m naive then Fair enough but my intentions were good.

I’ve been so upset over it. Rightly or wrongly I am. It’s left me feeling very used and down. I’ve stepped away from OLD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usedandhurt · 31/08/2020 16:34

Thank you to everyone who has been kind to me - I feel horrible today and it’s lovely to read some of your responses.

I’ve been told I’m highly sensitive and never believed it until now!.

OP posts:
wishywashywoowoo70 · 31/08/2020 16:40

Don't beat yourself up lovely.

He's a silly man and it's clearly his loss.

OLD is a minefield with many bad eggs around.

Move on from him once you're had a chance to wipe your tears away.

Don't feel bad or dirty you've done nothing wrong

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 16:40

OP, you've described yourself as open, warm and genuine and you certainly come across as all of those things. Maybe you need to appreciate that those attributes aren't particularly commonplace and you need to protect them a little more, for yourself and for the person you end up being with.
Because you deserve someone lovely. Don't give up on dating, just protect yourself more in the future and don't feel bad. You were honest and your intentions were good, as you say. You have nothing to feel bad about.

rvby · 31/08/2020 16:40

[quote NextOnesaGreyGoose]@Bluntness100

In that case though shouldn't he have held back if he was waiting to see if there would be a relationship? It's still on him to do that. He was very full on with the OP until he slept with her and then disappeared in her. And shouldn't he have forgone sleeping with her knowing that she felt their was a future and he had probably decided that there wasn't going to be one?[/quote]
He may have been just like the op, rushing into things. They both betrayed themselves a bit. He may have been REALLY sure it was going to be a relationship... and then found himself to be wrong.

Also, something I've learned is that men, especially when they're on the older side, rarely have the interpersonal skills to manage this kind of misstep with grace. It's just one of those things.

litterbird · 31/08/2020 16:43

This happened to me OP many years ago when I started OLD. It crushed me. I stepped away from it for some time. I then decided to go back with boundaries up. I can honestly say I went back in really enjoying my dates and had a great time meeting interesting men. I did not invest my time constantly texting...it was text a bit, get a date, meet up, get the measure of them then if I chose a second date then I would go. No future projecting just living in the moment. I hope you can get over this episode and go back looking at it differently. It can be good fun.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 16:47

in that case though shouldn't he have held back if he was waiting to see if there would be a relationship

They both should have. It was on them both.

jessstan2 · 31/08/2020 16:47

@Usedandhurt

Thank you to everyone who has been kind to me - I feel horrible today and it’s lovely to read some of your responses.

I’ve been told I’m highly sensitive and never believed it until now!.

Anybody would feel 'sensitive' in those circumstances, Usedandhurt. Some of us have been there and it's painful. However you will move on, I promise you. Better things are in store.

Flowers Wine

Original poster
Usedandhurt · 31/08/2020 16:50

You all honestly don’t know what your kind words means to me- I’ve stepped away from OLD as I don’t think I’m in the right place to continue with it- I feel completely ravaged today. That’s not right or healthy so I think I need to have a stronger sense and trust in myself that I can comfort myself when things go wrong. I also need to learn to trust less - I’m easily exploited I think as I am honest about everything. I take others at face value- my friends tell me it’s my best trait but it’s making me vulnerable.

I’ve eaten an apple and a small tub of creamed rice today. I am in bits.

OP posts: