Help: at my wits end, struggling to decide whether to break up or keep persevering

[skuali66]

Hi everyone, been a lurker for a little while - have noticed people on here seem to give out good quality and supportive advice and felt like i need some rn.

For context: We are around 30 (myself just under, him just over), been together for 6 years - met half way through professional degrees at university. Both of us do shift work, full time. We have been engaged 3 years.

To begin with, this relationship was what dreams are made of, totally idyllic fairytale-like. We both knew pretty rapidly this was it. Went from 0 - 100 fairly quickly and were both ecstatic. (Not too quickly, we were friends for a number of months first, only hung out in group settings and when we were no longer working closely in a professional setting started this relationship).

DF is a wonderful person - kind, caring, loyal, polite, intelligent, supportive and easy to live with. We have similar values and goals in life. If it wasn't for covid - we would have been married a few months ago and family planning. I truly believe he has my best interest at heart.

However, he is a very poor communicator and extremely passive. In our 6+ years together we have had to live apart at times due to working in different cities - during this time he has been more than capable of adulting alone (cooking, cleaning etc). However, now that we are back to living together (not too recent, have been doing for 2 years again) everything is down to me - I also work in the same field, yet I come home and do the housework. If i ask him, he will begrudgingly do it. If I dont, he will happily live in a tip and live off mostly takeaways. However, he is an excellent cook but as the years are going by he cant be bothered to cook as much. I also know he thinks I nag him. My dilemma is: if I say nothing, nothing gets done. If I request him to do some of the chores -I am a nag. A typical conversation would go: Would you mind hoovering? 'Ill do it tomorrow' ... I was hoping to get the cleaning out of the way today so can do XYZ tomorrow. I would then proceed to doing it myself (he may sometimes help but then would be in a foul mood for the rest of the day).

I feel like I am his mother sometimes - I am the one that has to make decisions whether it is planning a holiday, deciding where/when/how to get married, buying a car etc. He is incredibly passive and generally "doesnt mind". This can be great sometimes - I wonder if in the early years I enjoyed that I could plan anything and he'd be happy (Lets go to italy this summer/ lets go hike up this mountain next weekend / lets go visit friendXYZ or go for dinner @XYZ). Which was fine for smaller decisions. Whereas now when it comes to marriage/ buying a house/ buying a car Im finding it all a bit much having to figure things out on my own.

He is also unable to talk about feelings / problems effectively. In the early days, if we had a fight he would get emotional. These days I feel like i am taken for granted, I believe he thinks neither of us would walk away.

Last year I went to my parents home for a week or so before a major professional exam. Prior to leaving we had a very minor disagreement (about something trivial like TV/food), I went home as this is where the exam center was and had no communication from DP for a whole week. Ignored my messages, missed my calls etc. On the morning of the exam he wished me good luck (& think he phoned too). This was the first time my family became aware of there being a problem. I was nervous/anxious anyway for the exam and also down because I did not know what was happening in our relationship (is he going to break up? have we already broken up? is he just toying with my emotions?) When i came back, instantly gave him a big hug to which he reciprocated and we talked about never treating the other person that way again.

When we have minor arguments, I might go spend the afternoon in a different room etc with minimal communication but have never given him the silent treatment in the same way - at most just a few hours of being in a mood, nothing a sleep wont sort out.

This bank holiday weekend, we both had separate plans to see friends/family. However a maintenance issue at our property meant one of us had to stay. This one of us was.. me. He initially agreed we would both stay till the engineer comes to sort it then part ways. However he woke up the following day and got ready to leave ASAP to my confusion. I brought up that I thought we were both going to stay at least initially, he then sulked so I suggested he just goes if hes going to be miserable by staying and not add anything to the situation. He went away. No communication was made. I cancelled my plans. He has now returned (yesterday). Still very minimal communication (he brought some homemade dinner from his mothers which he offered). Normally, I would initiate the "lets talk.." and discuss why I am upset etc apologise for whatever I may have done and move on.

However, it is ALWAYS me that does this. So I decided not to yesterday.. he did not initiate the conversation, played videogames virtually with his friends, we ended up sleeping in different rooms. Woken up today and he has gone to the gym. (he has work in a few hours and this week our shift patterns mean that we wont see eachother - im working roughly 9-5 and he starts at 4pm-2am). I desperately want to make up so we can spend a few hours together but also upset that he never initiates making up.

This cycle has gone on enough times and I feel our arguments impact me more than him (he is able to have an enjoyable time with friends.. I am studying for another exam and cannot concentrate) I think about our problems often and if this is the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with...
I always end up forgiving and convincing myself the good traits make up for it. But I cant help but wonder what life would be like with a man thats not so passive...

Any help/advice much appreciated. Especially regarding making him realise the impact he has on my emotional wellbeing and getting him to apologise or initiate making up.

I've gone to sit next to him while he's gaming to say I'm not able to concentrate on my work. Met with no response.
That’s because he’s punishing you for not having grovelled enough yet. What a lovely man. Thank goodness you don’t have children or a house together yet!

Is this really what you want the rest of your life to look like?
It is never going to get any better.
Imagine adding a couple of children into the mix.

He is selfish and he is lazy. He does exactly what suits him when it suits him.
His time is more valuable than yours - eg. you should give up your time to sit and wait for an engineer to come and do repairs at the property while he goes off as planned.
You can give up your leisure time to hoover and make sure the home is hygienic but he might bother himself to do a little something if he is "nagged" about it or if he has nothing better to do with his precious time.
I was with someone like this for 5 years. It's awful. You end up not valuing yourself and your time because the other person doesn't.

Also I don't like his behaviour when there has been some kind of disagreement. That situation where you were at your parents' preparing for the exam was ridiculous. Why couldn't he have communicated in that time? Why is he not reaching out and communicating about this latest thing? It sounds like he's not that bothered. He has a nice life - he has a home, a gf on tap to meet his needs, lots of friends, hobbies etc.

You shouldn't call yourself "anal" either because you like to have a clean and hygienic home and decent meals. That is normal for the vast majority of people. By calling yourself "anal" you are suggesting to yourself that your expectations are in some way over the top. They are not.

You can try to discuss this with him and he may improve for a while but frankly I think he sounds like a manchild and these issues will reappear consistently throughout your marriage. For the rest of your life. Is that really what you want`?

From experience: you can have the serious talk. He will promise to change. He will try to change. You will think this is wonderful. Then it will slide back to the situation you are in now. Because this is who he is. Can you live with it? When you co-own a house with him, have kids with him, and it is still all on you, and you really can't see a way to leave him? Think very carefully before getting in any deeper.

@ChickensMightFly
If you're not ready, you're not ready. If you break up before you are certain you'll be tortured with the what if's, find it harder to move towards the future with a clear heart, more likely to go back if he asks and drag the whole thing out even longer.

What if i am never ready? As I said the beginning was like a total fairytale and for as long as I remember that honeymoon phase and to be quite honest the years beyond that I dont know if I will ever 100% feel like breaking up is the right thing to do. I may not have portrayed it well on here but he does have many redeeming qualities.

@BluebellsGreenbells

He’s obviously an intelligent man. Ask him. How can we solve the basic chore issue? What are you prepared to do to pull your weight around the house?
He doesnt think its an issue. Perhaps Im going crazy but he thinks he does 50% of the work (and maybe he does some of the time).

You sound like an intelligent woman--why are you allowing yourself to be treated like you are inferior? Like the little 50s woman (who also has to work for a living).

Regardless of anything else, he expects you to do everything in the house. The fact he does it if you're away tells you everything you need to know: he's a misogynist who sees you as lesser than him. House work is good enough for you but not good enough for him.
He treats you with utter contempt.
Find your anger and self respect. You're worth much more than this.

He doesnt think its an issue. Perhaps Im going crazy but he thinks he does 50% of the work (and maybe he does some of the time)

Is it or isn't it an issue? Only you know.

How long has he been a sulking saboteur?

What if you're never ready you ask?
You do know what you can achieve in your life without this man dragging you down right?
You do know you don't need him right?
Start telling yourself that.

@fuandylp
it sounds like im making excuses but his plans were more solid, were made before mine and even on the morning he was offering that I go with him. he thought its acceptable to let the works be done without us being in (i dont think it is hence why I stayed and he didnt) but in general he is more trusting of people - in the time we lived apart, he'd let people come in to set up wifi etc in his flat that i dont live in whereas I always prefer to be at home

I dont know why he couldnt have communicated in that time, this is something that does really grate on me. When I asked just now before he went to work he said its because when he first came back yesterday he tried to (granted, i was a bit cold.. who wouldnt be?!) so he apparently decided to give me space. He supposedly feels like hes treading on egg shells and would rather wait for me to speak to him than say the wrong thing

'Walking on egg shells' bingo

Hmmmm, good question. If you are worried you'll never got rock bottom so the exit sign lights up in flashing neon, then you have to go with what you know now, which is that you aren't in a relationship that makes you feel whole and contented, you are in one which regularly makes you sad and chasing satisfactory responses that don't come. The chances are he isn't going to change.
No one is perfect of course but your life partner is the person whose flaws don't really trouble you even if they would trouble someone else. My bff has a husband that would drive me mad but she is in bliss, they fit together. Equally I'm damn sure she feels the same way about my dh (anti-social wotsit that he is) who I adore.
So don't weigh him up and feel like you are being unfair by not finding his good bits carry enough weight. Everyone is a package of good and bad, but you can't seperate out the bad bits so they are key - they have to be acceptable to you regardless of what the good is.
It is enough that his flaws drag you down. If you feel like this now you will be feeling it even more in twenty years.
There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't 'get' you and respond accordingly. It gets worse as time goes by.

He didn't get a warm response so he thought he'd give you space... Not a crazy idea, maybe that's what he would like in your position, maybe he did feel on egg shells... But it wasn't right he needed to feel on egg shells and the situation would have been resolved better with him not withdrawing. He doesn't read you well and react in a way which would improve things. A good partner knows when you need space, when you need a hug, when you need to hear some hard truths etc. It goes both ways. With the right person none if this is an effort, it can be a learning curve to start with, but when you've known each other as long as you have it isn't difficult.

How do I say this without it coming across like an empty threat?

You get one a maximum of one chance to try threatening him into being a decent partner. I don't happen to think it can ever be worth it, if you really have to threaten someone in that way. Shouldn't they want to do their fair share of the chores.

im not ready to break up unless I absolutely have to, I guess I'm looking for advice how to deal with silent treatment

How about looking at it from his point of view. It seems to be working pretty well for him. You crack and beg his forgiveness. All good. And he doesn't have to do any chores, either. What incentive could he possibly have to stop ?

he thinks he does 50% of the work (and maybe he does some of the time).

He doesn't really think this, but he does think that he can get you to believe that he does. Nice work if you can get it

Another way of looking at it, is to accept that this is how he is, this is how your life will be. You are responsibly for household chores, for keeping him happy and not sulking. If you have children, they will be your responsibility, too.

If you are happy with that, crack on. At least you are not fooling yourself about anything.

I'd encourage you to forget about it all until after your exams. Don't let him sabotage your future.

Then, try opening up to someone in real life. I remember thinking that my parents really liked and admired my chap. Only when I told them that we were breaking up, expecting them to be disappointed, did they admit they were nice to him, even put up with him, only for my sake.

The thing is OP, all of the good things you mentioned are going to become less important as your life moves on and the shit things will become worse and resentment will kick in. You will hate him because he doesn't pull his weight around the house and acts like a teenager when he's asked to do his share.

Cut your losses. Everyone telling you this has been where you are already OP. You can't fix it.

I think you are both doctors.

You will both hopefully have challenging but rewarding careers.

If you stay with him however you will need to continue to bear the mental load for two adult lives. And any dc you may have. And all of the boring chores that come with being an adult.

Ask yourself this, is he a bad colleague? Does he leave tasks for the night shift when he’s on a long day? Does he expect the nursing staff to pick up after him? Does he treat juniors like dogsbodies? If the answer to those is “No” then why is he choosing to behave as he does with you? Are you less worthy than the others? He’s treating you this way because he intrinsically values your time an effort less than his own. If the answer is “Yes” then he treats everyone badly.

This man is not a good catch. He is making you unhappy now and will continue to do so.

If he thinks he does 50% of the work (my ex told me that too and my then 11 year old piped up and said no, mummy does everything, you do nothing) then write down everything you have done thai last week. And I mean everything. And he can write what he's done.

I had no idea what running a house involved until I moved out of my parents home. If he has never done everything then he may not really realise all the things involved.

@Sakurami

If he thinks he does 50% of the work (my ex told me that too and my then 11 year old piped up and said no, mummy does everything, you do nothing) then write down everything you have done thai last week. And I mean everything. And he can write what he's done.

I had no idea what running a house involved until I moved out of my parents home. If he has never done everything then he may not really realise all the things involved.

Nope, he's not a child. I think mothering him even more isn't helpful

You can do better OP. Free yourself of this dead weight. Imagine not having to give him any more headspace.

Chuck this fish back in the sea.

Hi OP - I haven't read everything in great detail, but your P sounds v similar to my ex. My ex pulled his weight around the house more than yours does, but the general lack of initiative, ambition, terrible communication - all the same. It becomes really soul destroying in the end, I felt like I was dragging him through life. He finally woke the fuck up when I left, but by then it was too late.

If he doesn't make the effort to communicate with you, he doesn't actually care about your feelings very much.

He sounds moody - silent treatment - that alone is enough for me , you can't live life tiptoeing round people .
You should feel totally comfortable with your partner and you don't , don't waste to much time deciding what to do life is for living .
The situation you are in will continue to breed contempt and there is a hell of a lot more work involved when a baby is added .

OP he doesn't have to be a bad person for the relationship to be unsuccessful and just cause it was good at the beginning does not mean it will be successful in the long term.

If you break up it will hurt as much as your previous breakup. I think you are avoiding that which is understandable. But you are actually denying yourself the chance to be much happier with someone else who is better suited to you xx

From reading your posts OP I don’t think you handle conflict too well as a couple. I couldn’t be doing with silent treatments, giving the cold shoulder, being in different rooms with resentment bubbling etc. Could you possibly make an agreement to deal with arguments and conflict as and when they happen? My DH and I will bring up the issue when it happens (obviously when we’re alone and it’s appropriate) and talk it through. We never go to bed with an argument still brewing. I think a lot of resentment builds when people won’t deal with conflicts and let them fester.

Sorry if this is not the kind of advice that would be helpful to your situation. I can tell you’re genuinely frustrated and unsure how to proceed.

I also think the idea suggested by a previous poster of writing down lists of the different chores you do and comparing them is a good one.

I suppose I have a lot of thinking to do and not really sure what my next move should be. As much as it may be obvious for all of you to say I should leave... I cant. Not yet, not without trying (tell me I am dumb and this is a wasted effort... maybe it is, but for me its worth trying).

It takes two people for a relationship to succeed. You'll waste your time trying when he doesn't bother at all. With the benefit of hindsight (like many on here) I would say you are deluding yourself if you think he will make any effort to change permanently. He'll do just enough for a short while, then it's back to business as usual.

As for the comment about eggshells, I suspect he's trying to twist things round to blame you. My ex was good at that. My ex was also, by the time I left, an expert in twisting and dropping 99% of all household chores onto me, and later on the DC. The 1% that he did were done in a manner to point score against me and the DC.

Funny enough, I know his ex wife (Ex and I never married) and she dumped him for almost exactly the same reasons. I hear on the grapevine he may be dating, I feel for the poor woman.

I've read this whole thread, OP, and all of your posts. I'd dump him sooner rather than later, and don't marry him. Definitely don't have DC with him.

Remember, you can leave any relationship at any time. You don't actually need any other reason than "this isn't working for me any more". Your unhappiness is coming through in your posts, and that's a good enough reason to leave.

Confide in your mum, she may be able to help you. I would also suspect she's already picked up that you are not happy, but is maintaining a positive attitude until you actually talk to her and give her the truth about your relationship. That's what my family did, as they wanted to avoid pushing me more towards ex. Turns out, none of my family and friends like ex, and I've come across many, many others locally who don't like him either.

I should add, I had a very, very long and detailed conversation with my ex's ex wife. I learned a lot that helped steel my resolve not to go back to him. I actually now (or did before Covid) meet her sometimes for coffee. We've been texting instead right now.

Point I'm making is that your DP is happy to do stuff when it benefits him. He won't magically change after a conversation, because you've been there before and stayed with him when he didn't change.

Have you considered couples counseling? I think having a neutral person in the room could help you both get your points across. At the moment it sounds like your views are failing on deaf ears and he isn’t putting his point across at all.

He doesn’t sound lazy - I assume you’re both drs - he just sounds sexist.

He’s leaving all that stuff for someone else to do because he thinks you should be doing it.

As a senior dr these guys are really hard to supervise. They simply do not see women as equals, they see us as the people who should be packing their lunches and cleaning up after them. They don’t tend to marry other doctors.

As a partner I’d have been furious about the silence/ignoring leading up to your exams. That’s not just immature, it’s sabotage. He knows only too well that’s NOT what you need in the leadup to these exams and he chose to do it anyway. Your career is not as important as his.