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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really fucking annoyed

296 replies

Diabetes123 · 30/08/2020 23:04

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

OP posts:
Flamingnora123 · 30/08/2020 23:09

I think that's a really odd thing to ask someone you don't know. She may have felt like she had to say she didn't mind you asking. Your husband was right, and it was mega awkward to have that exchange in front of guests. So in answer to your question, you asked an impolite and nosy question that you could have just googled if you wanted to compare to your own income, and then you and your husband made it even more weird by bickering in front of your guests.

JamieLeeCurtains · 30/08/2020 23:10

I think asking someone how much they earn is quite intrusive, especially in front of other people. I imagine the whole episode was fairly uncomfortable all round?

Honestly I'd just sleep on it, reflect on it tomorrow, and try to get along with everyone.

I think your 16 year old daughter with depression probably needs parents who aren't creating an atmosphere.

Wearywithteens · 30/08/2020 23:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

amber763 · 30/08/2020 23:13

Why on earth would you ask someone what they earn? That's really inappropriate.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/08/2020 23:16

I don't understand why you felt the need to ask her that. It's quite well known what teaching assistants earn anyway. Out of interest, why did you want to know?

AuntieMarys · 30/08/2020 23:17

You were very rude. You don't ask people how much they earn! Your husband was probably mortified .

JulesCobb · 30/08/2020 23:19

You were really fucking rude. Im shocked at just how rude and how you dont have any awareness of how rude you were.

Flyingf1edgelings · 30/08/2020 23:19

Holy moly you were rude and intrusive to put her on the spot! The sad part is you dont even realise you are so how can you even learn from it! Your husband was right I'm afraid. I'm guessing he isnt domineering just always trying to keep your cheeky nature in check.

Pollaidh · 30/08/2020 23:20

Are you British? Asking someone what they earn is standard in some cultures, but it's rude in Britain! The only times I've been asked is by foreign friends and contacts.

He may just have been trying to prevent some real awkwardness and upset with the teaching assistant. The only person who knows how much I earn (rather than a range which is published) is DH. I told my parents for my first ever graduate job, so they knew I was ok and independent. Since then they've been in the dark. I might ask a very very good friend, privately if it was relevant, like I was looking for a career in their field, but I'd hedge around it a lot and give plenty of opportunities for them to deflect.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/08/2020 23:20

Quite rude to ask someone you do t know how much they ear. If my dp did that I would probably say something similar to your dh, if he told me to shut up, I would be quite annoyed. In this situation it sounds like you embarrassed everyone im afraid.

catsvdogs · 30/08/2020 23:21

I agree with your husband.

Hellokitty82 · 30/08/2020 23:23

Sorry but that's not acceptable
If you want to know payscales for jobs look at google
Especially when she'll be earning considerably less than you as a nurse

You need to message her to apologise for your behaviour and apologise to your husband and have a word with yourself

IllustriousToad · 30/08/2020 23:23

Yup you were being rude, not your husband Confused

ExclamationPerfume · 30/08/2020 23:25

That's a very rude question to ask.

Lipz · 30/08/2020 23:28

You were so rude asking her that. Your dh was right in what he said. You need to learn what's acceptable to ask and what's not.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 30/08/2020 23:30

You are 100% in he wrong here. Totally rude to both ask someone what they earn and then tell your partner to shut up when he called you on it. If I were your partner I’d be mortified at your behaviour.

Karwomannghia · 30/08/2020 23:31

It sounds like you argue a lot. Try not to always have to prove you’re right and accept that sometimes you may not be. There are more important things than being right.

LesLavandes · 30/08/2020 23:33

Very iinappropriate and impolite behaviour, OP.

Hellokitty82 · 30/08/2020 23:34

You say you've only just got back together after a 4 month split???
I'm surprised he's not suggesting a permanent split after this outburst why would he want to be told to shut up in front of guests????

You clearly have no respect for the poor girl you barely know, your partner telling him to shut up in front of people

I've just shown this thread to my partner he said you need to consider whether you really want this relationship as if it was him he said he'd be calling time on you after this

JM10 · 30/08/2020 23:35

So rude to ask, she probably will have felt she has to say she doesn't mind. Your husband was just trying to stop her feeling uncomfortable I expect.

AvoidingRealHumans · 30/08/2020 23:36

You were definitely the rude one.
I would never dream of asking anyone what they earned, no wonder your husband pulled you up on it. You should have took what he said on board and changed the subject not started on him.

MaliceOrgan · 30/08/2020 23:39

Were you really pissed or something? There's no excuse to ask such an intrusive question (especially to someone low paid) and then to tell your husband to shut up! You aren't the one who should be annoyed. Your poor husband and your poor guests!

workhomesleeprepeat · 30/08/2020 23:40

If it was a long term friend I think its normal to discuss finances (am aware I'm prob in the minority in the uk) - even colleagues tbh, its good for salary equality.

But if you've just met this person its a bit up front to ask them that really. Also its not clear why you asked - you're not in the same career area I don't understand the comparison

greybuttons11 · 30/08/2020 23:44

@Pollaidh completey agree with you!! If it was me that was put on the spot I would would just answer to just to make the awkwardness go away faster but yes I don't think you should ask people how much they earn if you were really interested you could just google it

beelzeboob · 30/08/2020 23:45

If I was at a dinner party and my dp asked someone that in front of everyone I’d probably say to him he can’t ask that.

Don’t they say at dinner parties you should never talk about money or politics...