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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really fucking annoyed

296 replies

Diabetes123 · 30/08/2020 23:04

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

OP posts:
MistressMounthaven · 31/08/2020 05:40

Everyone pointing out you just needed to google that - then slagging you off for asking, obviously if easily available there is no great shakes in asking.
Fuss about nothing. Ridiculous posters to get so riled over what was a simple conversation. And no call for DH to be so brusque.

Florencex · 31/08/2020 06:31

I am confused about some of the details, not sure if you have known this person for 20+ years, in which case how did you not already know their occupation, or if they were new to you.

Either way, it is unbelievably rude to ask somebody what they earn and especially at dinner in front of others. Your poor husband must have been mortified and I think did his best to rectify the situation.

This is not an example of him being domineering, if this is how you normally behave, maybe he has had to step in to clear up other situations. I cannot believe you think it is him that is the issue.

sanityisamyth · 31/08/2020 06:32

Why not go the whole distance and ask her what bra size she is and when she's due her period?! There are some things people don't like to talk about, especially in front of lots of other people they don't know.

Nicolastuffedone · 31/08/2020 06:42

You would’ve got short shrift if you’d asked me! It’s none of your damn business and I’ve have told you exactly that!

Seeingadistance · 31/08/2020 06:48

It was very rude to ask. The only time I’ve ever been asked what I got paid was when I was 21, and the person asking was a friend of my parents’. I was so surprised to be asked that I told her. Now I’m a middle-aged woman I’d have told her that it was none of her business, but I didn’t have that confidence when I was younger.

This has nothing to do with pay inequality. There is a time and a place for discussing salary levels, and at a social gathering, with someone younger and unknown to you who’s in a public sector post the pay scale of which is publicly available is not it.

It was rude, and overbearing.

Longwhiskers14 · 31/08/2020 07:02

I find it hard to believe you aren't aware what a pittance TAs are paid and that asking her so publicly to reveal what she earned was unfair. I wonder if what you perceive as your DH's domineering personality is him actually stepping in to stop you making a tit of yourself? Has this happened before? Telling him to shut up in front of company, however close friends you are, is so rude and as you clearly think you're in the right I don't blame him for taking himself off to bed in a huff to end the row.

Longwhiskers14 · 31/08/2020 07:04

@Florencex

I am confused about some of the details, not sure if you have known this person for 20+ years, in which case how did you not already know their occupation, or if they were new to you.

Either way, it is unbelievably rude to ask somebody what they earn and especially at dinner in front of others. Your poor husband must have been mortified and I think did his best to rectify the situation.

This is not an example of him being domineering, if this is how you normally behave, maybe he has had to step in to clear up other situations. I cannot believe you think it is him that is the issue.

I read it as her knowing their friends and their son for 20 years+, but this time the son's girlfriend came with them.
JulieHere · 31/08/2020 07:20

Asking a person how much they earn is intrusive and seen as rude by many hence he said not to ask. You were offended and continued the conversation and he thought you were rude... differences in belief of what is OK to ask and what isn't - then argument....

skodadoda · 31/08/2020 07:20

You say you've only just got back together after a 4 month split???

I’m thinking OP means having not seen friends during lockdown. I have to say I have a little sympathy for you OP if your DH regularly tells you how to behave. Perhaps address that issue with DH.

SheSellSeaShells · 31/08/2020 07:23

I wouldn't even ask a close friend how much they earned - none of my business. So rude to ask, especially in front of other people. Your husband was right to stop you, telling him to shut up so you could continue to embarrass your guests with inappropriate questions - you need to do some apologies today!

Petportraits · 31/08/2020 07:26

I would have been embarrassed if my SO asked someone how much they made. You shouldn’t do that to anyone, seems really nosey?

CerealBeacon · 31/08/2020 07:28

I think it was nosy to ask someone in a notoriously low-paid line of work their salary, especially as you don’t know this person at all.

rc22 · 31/08/2020 07:32

I think it's the height of rudeness to ask someone about what they earn. I accept I am probably a bit old fashioned in this. It's wrong of your husband to go overboard in making you feel bad about it though.

Dontletitbeyou · 31/08/2020 07:32

You were really rude , not only to the sons girlfriend, but to your husband as well . I could understand it if he was the one who had posted under your title of Really fucking annoyed . Seems like you have no understanding of social etiquette .
I think he felt embarrassed and was trying to diffuse the situation . I’d have done the exact same . Wow !! Can’t see how you don’t get it.

KatherineJaneway · 31/08/2020 07:33

It's very rude to ask how much someone earns. Your dh was right to pull you up on it. Had you been drinking a lot?

rwalker · 31/08/2020 07:35

He's done nothing wrong probably embarrassed you were so rude .Quite rightly its none of your bussiness

Ihave2dogs2cats5dc · 31/08/2020 07:37

Can you imagine? The poor gf keen to impress and get on with bfs family and friends and to be asked that.. presumably shes younger.. its intimidating and you have put her on the spot. You dont even see how its rude that you went on to argue about it later with him and were planning to tell him to shut up in front of others. What he said to you is what family would do if someone crossed the line.

iMatter · 31/08/2020 07:40

You were really rude. At least twice.

I cringed reading your OP.

Sportysporty · 31/08/2020 07:42

Lets be straight asking a young person you don't know well, in front of people what she earns has NOTHING to do with pay transparancy.

incognitomum · 31/08/2020 07:44

Why are you back together?

dottiedodah · 31/08/2020 07:45

I think you were a bit out of order here really .Usually people realise this question is a no go esp if you dont really know the person very well.Why would you be so interested?

SimonJT · 31/08/2020 07:45

I do think it is rude and akin to asking a virtual stranger how much they weigh. Your husband however was equally rude, there are polite ways to tell someone they have over stepped with a question etc.

Sally872 · 31/08/2020 07:45

Very rude to ask her how much she got paid. Especially in a group environment. If being a nurse makes you especially interested in TA pay Hmm then Google it.

incognitomum · 31/08/2020 07:46

skodadoda no OP means after leaving him.

YukoandHiro · 31/08/2020 07:49

You really shouldn't have asked that in front of other people. One to one maybe, but she'd have felt pressure to answer in front of lots of people. It was really rude. And then you were rude enough to tell your DH to "shut up" rather than responding to his comment by saying "oh, don't answer if you don't want to, I didn't mean to pry, I was just interested because X, Y, Z" which would have immediately diffused the situation for all.