Really fucking annoyed

[Diabetes123]

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

Wow. Yes, your question was culturally inappropriate. As PPs have said, in some cultures it is perfectly fine to raise this question but not in the U.K. What is worse, though, is telling your husband to shut up. Do you often speak to him that way? It is rude and unkind and shows a distinct lack of consideration. I could never live with someone who told me to shut up in the privacy of our own home, much less in the company of old friends. How humiliating for him.

Interesting that you think you have the right to say whatever you want, but that right evidently doesn't extend to your husband. If you can ask this question, then surely he should be able to point out his objection.

I probably would have said the same as your DH tbh. It's rude to ask someone how much they earn and I wouldn't be impressed if I was told to shut up either.

Is OP still 'really fucking annoyed' or has she accepted she's was, on this occasion, unreasonable 🌺

According to nurses.co.uk a nurse with 5 years experience would be on £33.000 -£35,000 pa.

That's not bad at all and likely 2 - 3 times a TA salary.

The OP gaining this knowledge was of no use to anyone. Let's not pretend it was meant to shed light on the injustice of the pay gap for goodness sake. Asking a young girl in a room full of people, her possible future in laws included, what she earns (in a well known under paid job) is really fucking rude and cruel to be honest. The feeling I get from the OPs posts here alone make me think she didn't have good intentions asking this question in the setting she chose to.

You sound horrible OP, you sounded rude to the girlfriend, rude to your husband and rude to posters here. There is nothing more unattractive than a person who is embarrassingly rude and can't even see it when it's pointed out to them. I would have been mortified if my husband asked that in that setting and I'd have pulled him up on it too.

I hope your husband initiates the next split if you're anything like you are with posters here with him.

If you really wanted/needed to know, and meant kindly, then you could have done what most other people would have done - hold your tongue, wait until the two of you are alone (in front of her in-laws was unforgivable), and then very tactfully apologise for asking, explain why you want/need to know (going into the career etc), and then ask if they'd mind giving you an indication of the starting salary, or salary range for someone with experience.

You don't ask what someone's actual salary is, and you don't do it in front of other people like that, especially given your relative positions.

As I said above, this idea that its rude to discuss how much one is paid is the very reason that women are down graded salary-wise. Personally I would rather share this information to give us all a fighting chance at being paid equally, but clearly I am in the minority and everyone else is happy to be unpaid and undervalued.

What the hell are you on about? You seem to be on a crusade that has no relevance to this scenario.

Yes, if it was two people who work in the same field around the same level this would be relevant. How comparing them salary of a nurse with most likely over 20 years experience the salary of a young TA is going to address what you are banging on about I have no idea. It’s like saying we need to compare the salary of an experienced female neurosurgeon with that of a 19yo make cleaner and be outraged their is a disparity. Your view only makes sense if comparing the salaries of male and female neurosurgeons with the same degree of experience or the salary of an 18yo male cleaner with a 20yo female cleaner for example. How you think a middle aged experience nurse bullying a young TA into disclosing their salary for comparative purposes to solve the issue of wage inequality is mind blowing.

Yes, if it was two people who work in the same field around the same level this would be relevant. How comparing them salary of a nurse with most likely over 20 years experience the salary of a young TA is going to address what you are banging on about I have no idea

A general reluctance to talk about salaries and slating people in a big forum pile on for asking about them contributes to people not feeling comfortable asking when it is directly relevant to "two people who work in the same field around the same level".

But there is a more general way in which openness about salaries helps with all sorts of wage inequality: a more general understanding of what people earn in many professions helps with understanding how your own profession is viewed, whether it's worth sticking to if you want to earn more money, and how different salaries relate to possible lifestyles.

If it's so easy to google and your issue with their discomfort is that it's easily available info anyway... maybe google in future rather than asking someone on the spot when you don't know if they will be willing to share their financial information with you? It's a very strange thing to do.

It sounds like you are always "really fucking annoyed". Is that the issue here, is that why you had a 4 month split? Cos it is not normal to ask that, you must be able to see the consensus here. Get some counselling, I would recommend psychotherapy, seriously. Arguing online is only continuing the angry narrative you seem stuck in.

If you wanted to know for genuine reasons you could have googled or asked on mn. You were evaluating her personally and what she brought to the table in a 'i'm looking after my friend's boy' way.

It sounds like you are always "really fucking annoyed"

Yep , this sums it up perfectly

I would be horrified to be asked what I earn. It’s really rude.

OP: AIBU

Everyone (plus OP's DH): YABU

OP: oh the problem is society/you lot/everyone else. Not my behaviour.

I always wonder at the absolute inability of people like this to reflect or consider their behaviour

OP, you asked in your post what you had done wrong, and then when you were told you told everyone to get their heads out of their backsides 😮.

Asking how much someone earns is an incredibly rude one, which most people wouldn’t ask even their closest friends.

If my husband asked that question I would definitely rebuke him in front of guests, and he would do the same to me. Rebuking for a question like that is not domineering at all. Obviously as you say there could well be a back story, however this incident is not at all part of a domineering situation.
Please do not believe that you have the right to say whatever you want. Your husband was being a good host by trying to stop the question you had asked

In France it's considered really quite vulgar to ask what you do at first meeting never mind wages!

I'm English but I get it.

I had a friend ask what i earn a few years ago...i told her as i felt on the spot...but i was really annoyed and pissed off for ages after...its the one thing i'd never ask...you were rude.

@Diabetes123

More prosperous 😂 you obviously don’t know how poorly nurses are paid!

I’m getting the impression that the individuals commenting on this thread work in the education sector.......

It’s seems to be the only reason they would be so negatively opinionated.

You are just not getting it. It doesn’t matter what sector you work in, everyone finds it rude to ask about salaries. You can’t even see the problem with it?

People prefer to talk about sex than money. People here are very private about money. I think we all need a gamekeeper for our own good. I always ask my husband his opinion because I can be a little cheeky.

@Diabetes123

More prosperous 😂 you obviously don’t know how poorly nurses are paid!

I’m getting the impression that the individuals commenting on this thread work in the education sector.......

It’s seems to be the only reason they would be so negatively opinionated.

I don’t work in the education sector. I have a negative opinion as from what you’ve said, it sounds like you were rude and obnoxious.

If you don’t like what you get paid then get yourself retrained and do something more lucrative. There’s absolutely no excuse for your rudeness and I’m not surprised your husband wasn’t happy with you.

I reckon op was pissed when she said it. Pissed when she wrote the op and pissed when she replied here.