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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really fucking annoyed

296 replies

Diabetes123 · 30/08/2020 23:04

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

OP posts:
itsureis · 30/08/2020 23:45

You and your husband sound like you have very little respect for each other.
From experience, I would suggest not having company round until you can be civil to each other as it makes it very uncomfortable for others to witness.

yolio · 30/08/2020 23:47

Jesus, just eat with your own family from now on. Really get a grip. Terrible thing to ask anyone IMV.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2020 23:47

And "YOU WERE SO RUDE!!" is why women are still victims of pay inequality.

Its not rude to ask. Its not rude to say "I would rather not discuss my earnings". Everyone is entitled to say what they are comfortable with.

I would say "Do you mind if I ask? What sort of pay bracket are you in?" but I would only word it like that because of the prissyness shown on here.

If there was more openess about earnings, we would not be shit all over as we would demand what we are worth!

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 30/08/2020 23:53

Yeah, the OP asked someone how much they earned, I think she might be getting the point that she shouldn't have. Maybe time to ease off the critisism. OP, you're having a tough night, I have been there so many times, sometimes everything can get all on top of you, nobody is perfect and that's okay. I doubt you will come back to this thread but just take a deep breath and try to relax.

BrummyMum1 · 30/08/2020 23:56

I’m all for openness about pay but I wouldn’t ask someone straight out how much they earn in front of other people. You put her on the spot and it sounds like your husband jumped in to try and rescue the situation.

yolio · 30/08/2020 23:59

Oh well I earn 250k per annum. Is that a lie or not?

The salaries for nurses and PS employees are out there for everyone to see really.

MsEllany · 31/08/2020 00:01

@PyongyangKipperbang

And "YOU WERE SO RUDE!!" is why women are still victims of pay inequality.

Its not rude to ask. Its not rude to say "I would rather not discuss my earnings". Everyone is entitled to say what they are comfortable with.

I would say "Do you mind if I ask? What sort of pay bracket are you in?" but I would only word it like that because of the prissyness shown on here.

If there was more openess about earnings, we would not be shit all over as we would demand what we are worth!

yeah I'm with @PyongyangKipperbang.

I think both you and your husband are still rocky - your sniping at each other will help no one and upset both of you.

Chloemol · 31/08/2020 00:03

Sorry but you are being rude here asking someone you don’t know ( and it doesn’t matter how long you have known the son) what their salary is

Your husband was right to call you out, then you tell him to shut up!

Your behaviour is shameful

monkeymonkey2010 · 31/08/2020 00:08

out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all
Two adult women having a conversation - only the male has a problem with it.....
i think he was just looking for an opportunity to embarrass you in front of people.

Get rid. Why do you want to be with someone who keeps doing shit like this to you?
Does it help you with the depression or something?

GoldenNCurly · 31/08/2020 00:08

I dont see the big deal about asking/being asked how much someone earns and I'm british. Personally I think women should be encourage to talk about their earning, especially if the person work in a male dominated sector but clearly not everyone thinks that.
I think you have bigger issues in your relationship than this argument though

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2020 00:13

What does the situation with your daughter have to do with it? Asking someone what they earn is rude and totally inappropriate. Her husband then rightly called you out, only for you to tell him to shut up? Have you lost the plot? Their finances are none of your fucking business. Horrible behaviour on your part.

whiplashy · 31/08/2020 00:15

very weird and rude to ask someone what they earn

Shizzlestix · 31/08/2020 00:17

Bloody rude question, frankly. Very poor etiquette to ask someone how much they earn. Your dh should, however, have kept schtum.

AllsortsofAwkward · 31/08/2020 00:24

You were being cheeky and disrespectful

Plussizejumpsuit · 31/08/2020 00:31

It's rude to ask. You can easily Google how much a certain job pays. Or look for recent job adverts in your area if you want to be very specific.

timeisnotaline · 31/08/2020 00:32

I’m with Pyongyang , we should have more transparency, especially women. When I complained about my salary once my boss told me it was against policy for me to have discussed it with colleagues and I said they should go ahead and fire me and everyone else who had discussed it then. I would definitely phrase it so it was ok to say no I’m not comfortable thought! When people say everyone knows what a ta earns, well I don’t, but I know it’s reasonably well known in Th e industry.... which surely means she’s used to people around her knowing what she earns? So it’s not that awkward really?

DamnShesaSexyChick · 31/08/2020 00:35

Sounds like you’ve had a few tbh op.

LilyWater · 31/08/2020 00:40

@PyongyangKipperbang

And "YOU WERE SO RUDE!!" is why women are still victims of pay inequality.

Its not rude to ask. Its not rude to say "I would rather not discuss my earnings". Everyone is entitled to say what they are comfortable with.

I would say "Do you mind if I ask? What sort of pay bracket are you in?" but I would only word it like that because of the prissyness shown on here.

If there was more openess about earnings, we would not be shit all over as we would demand what we are worth!

But they're not work colleagues, she's a woman the OP met at a dinner who's not even working in the same field as her. Not sure how OP asking her an intrusive question about her salary in front of all the guests helps pay inequality Confused
SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 01:02

I'm not domineering and I would've said exactly the same thing as your husband because I would've been really embarrassed that my partner asked a guest what they earn. It's not something you ask. And I would've said something to stop the guest feeling put on the spot.

I have ADHD with autistic traits and can say the wrong thing on the spur of the moment sometimes. I usually kick myself afterwards. It can lead to depressed feelings as I can be hard of myself/have low self worth. I didn't find out I have ADHD or autistic traits until I was in my 40s. Is this something you've considered you may have?

For me, realizing I have ADHD/ASD has helped because I'm not as hard of myself when I cock up. I do try though.

famousforwrongreason · 31/08/2020 01:05

All sounds really awkward. Feel sorry for the guests that they got caught in the embarrassing crossfire. It was really inappropriate and intrusive to ask.

I also have no idea of the relevance of your job when you retold the story here ?

SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 01:05

I try to be careful with alcohol around strangers/people I don't know well, as it can increase my chances of saying or doing the wrong thing.

SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 01:06

On the other hand, my ex told me to shut up once in front of company, and that really was not ok, and no-one around was impressed.

famousforwrongreason · 31/08/2020 01:08

@SoulofanAggron

I'm not domineering and I would've said exactly the same thing as your husband because I would've been really embarrassed that my partner asked a guest what they earn. It's not something you ask. And I would've said something to stop the guest feeling put on the spot.

I have ADHD with autistic traits and can say the wrong thing on the spur of the moment sometimes. I usually kick myself afterwards. It can lead to depressed feelings as I can be hard of myself/have low self worth. I didn't find out I have ADHD or autistic traits until I was in my 40s. Is this something you've considered you may have?

For me, realizing I have ADHD/ASD has helped because I'm not as hard of myself when I cock up. I do try though.

@soulofanaggron do you mind me asking if you have an official diagnosis and if so, how? I have high suspicion that I have ADHD and maybe some other asd traits. I know that where Iive it takes at least four years for an official assessment and I'm not sure how easy it is to qualify to get on the waiting list.
famousforwrongreason · 31/08/2020 01:10

Also, TAs are notoriously low paid. There's no way you couldn't have known this. Feels like it might have possibly been a dig too

FenellaVelour · 31/08/2020 01:12

I’d be really taken aback if I was asked bu a stranger in this situation what I earn, and I’d find it really rude and odd.
If my husband asked a guest this question, I’d speak out in exactly the same way your husband did.
I wouldn’t think this was controlling, just trying to extricate the guest from an embarrassing and rude line of questioning.
Totally inappropriate.

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