Really fucking annoyed

[Diabetes123]

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

The OP might have been rude (eh, I think salaries should be discussed, personally), but it wasn’t up to her husband to tell her not to speak/not to ask, he’s not the gatekeeper to what she’s allowed to say.

My late father told me never to tell anyone what I earn or how I vote. It's stood me in good stead all my life. Your question was rude.

I also agree you were in the wrong here, why would you possibly ask her how much she earns, as your husband says it’s none of your business, and then to tell him to shut up when he points it out. And all in company,

Honestly you were very rude here.

If that’s an example of what you think is his dominating behaviour, I’m wondering What led to your split.

Your husband was absolutely right. It is bad manners to ask that question. And prefacing it with “out of interest” doesn’t make it ok.

I’m utterly shocked that you didn’t realise how inappropriate you were.

Reverse by any chance?

You were rude to ask.
He probably shouldn't have rebuked you in front of the others or at least phrased it better.
You definitely shouldn't have told him to shut up.

Your relationship does not sound healthy at all and perhaps you would have been better staying split.

@rvby

Op have you been drinking?

Asking a younger person a very personal question, in front of their elders, when you're hosting them in your home - thats really really unfair and unkind of you.

I'm all for sharing earnings information, I'm very open about that but you put this girl on the spot and yabu to be "steaming" because someone called you out on that.

Not sure what your marriage troubles or your dds mh has to do with that, none of your personal problems excuse you being so massively rude and unkind to this girl.

I assume you've been drinking and don't realise how out of line you were. Perhaps sleep on it and in morning consider whether your dh had a point. He can have a point and also be an arsehole, those two things can happen at the same time

I agree with this. Just because she said she was ok to discuss her salary, it doesn’t mean she was. Rather like Seeingadistance, as a young woman I would have complied even though I would have felt uncomfortable.

I also don’t see what your dd has to do with this scenario. It almost reads like an excuse for your behaviour. How often do you use this excuse? How often is your husband controlling you? How often is he trying to moderate inappropriate behaviour?

What did you do wrong?????????

You were extraordinarily rude and impertinent to a guest in your home, someone you barely know, and put her in a really embarrassing position. Your awful manners embarrassed your husband, your friends and their son.

 The domineering behaviour was all yours;  interrogating  a much younger  person about their private business then telling your husband to shut up.

Then here on MN, having blamed him for your unpleasantness , you dump the responsibility for your own depression and marital split on your 16 yr old daughter.

    Do you bully her too?

Wow, that was a really rude and inappropriate question. Your husband told you to mind your manners because you were being impolite and you told him to shut up! Do you often embarrass him and is this why you broke up in the first place?

I would have been so embarrassed if I were your husband. Cringe.

@burritofan

The OP might have been rude (eh, I think salaries should be discussed, personally), but it wasn’t up to her husband to tell her not to speak/not to ask, he’s not the gatekeeper to what she’s allowed to say.

As host, he should be a gatekeeper for how guests are treated in his home.

You’ve got your answer, OP.
Your guest should have said, ‘If you’ll excuse me for not answering that question, I’ll excuse you for asking it.’

But she was evidently too polite or felt too awkward/put on the spot.

I think it's really important that we all become more comfortable with conversations about salaries between peers.

But you asked a much younger woman her salary in front of her in-laws and put her in an awkward position. You could have Googled TA salary ranges after she left. I don't see how it's relevant that you are a nurse. Nurses are paid more than TAs.

You were rude and you are using your depression as a get out of jail card. Shame on you.

It's really crass to ask what someone earns, and I find people who ask are quite shallow in general.

Yes, this isn’t an information-gathering exercise between peers which might help women argue themselves into more equal salaries, it was an older woman indulging her own nosiness at the expense of a younger stranger.

I can't believe people believe this. op is clearly a troll. " #fuming "

He was trying to save you embarrassing yourself further.

I was about to say it was extremely rude to ask, but I can see that's already been said!

Sorry OP but that’s awful. As PP have said TAs are not paid well and a person shouldn’t be made to reveal information in front of a group which is notoriously private.

On the other hand, I do agree with the PPs that it isn’t always terrible to discuss salary. I found out a man in my team was paid more than me because my colleagues were willing to discuss their salaries with me. But any of these conversations MUST be a one to one conversation to give the they party the chance to say ‘no way am I comfortable discussing my salary you CF’

And "YOU WERE SO RUDE!!" is why women are still victims of pay inequality.

Except the only thing OP and the GF have in common are that they are women. Different fields, different companies, different levels of experience, different amount of time spent in the workforce etc.

Pardon me? Op, you said you split because if “his dominating personality” when you’re the one saying “shut up” to him in front of 20 people when he’s amicably trying to stop you from being really fucking rude and embarrassing?

Dear lord, leave the man, he doesn’t deserve to be saddled with such a rude and domineering partner.

OMG! Some of you are weird

OP didn't ask if the woman's fanny was baggy as shite!

The answer could have been no.

Her DH is not her keeper.

And what is the utter repression around money? Like it is the novichock of polite discussion!

I can't believe people believe this. op is clearly a troll. " #fuming Overreaction of the week, methinks!

@SimonJT

I do think it is rude and akin to asking a virtual stranger how much they weigh. Your husband however was equally rude, there are polite ways to tell someone they have over stepped with a question etc.

Bullshit. If my husband was asking someone their salary like this, I’d also immediately step in and say you can’t ask that it’s none of your business. If he them told be to shut up I’d be friggen fuming.

Would you consider attending couples counselling to help you re-learn to communicate with each other in a kinder more respectful manner?

It’s really uncomfortable when couples are openly hostile to each other in front of their guests, so please think about how your responses impact on others around you.