Really fucking annoyed

[Diabetes123]

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

OP didn't ask if the woman's fanny was baggy as shite!. Because you can see that with your eyes, no need to ask an intrusive question in front of 20 guests who barely know each other.

The answer could have been no. The point is that it is really rude to invite someone over and then ask them “how much do you earn” in front of all the guests. This puts them in the spotlight and they are eithe to be good humoured and say a figure or say no and cast a wet blanket on the party. It’s bad manners to ask such a question when you are not in a private face to face, one to one conversation.

Firstly I have a DH who has no boundaries to asking questions about money, or anything else for that matter, that's a whole other thread.
I have seen this makes people uncomfortable. I personally don't care what folk earn none of my business. However I think it sounds like the tip of the iceberg in your relationship as it it is mine! Hope that helps.

Twenty people? Three or four people. Longstanding friends of twenty years + son's girlfriend + presumably son.

I agree with him
What possessed you to ask?

Did you tell her how much you earn, just for a balanced conversation?

Absolutely out of order to put her on the spot and ask. I actually cannot believe you cant see that for yourself.

Yes, she could have said no, but you had already made her uncomfortable by asking. Not surprised your partner stepped in. In his shoes I'd have done the same.

I don't understand why you asked her what she earns anyway? Where did that question come from, why was it relevant?
You don't work in the same sector as her, so why on earth did you need to enquire? You sound nosey, and your husband was right to tell you not to ask that. A girl who is young enough to be your daughter (assuming) being asked that question by the host probably felt like she had to answer. She probably didn't want to be rude in telling you it's none of your business.
Forget your argument with your husband, apologise and accept you were in the wrong. What you need to focus on is learning manners and etiquette.

Why would you ask someone what they earn, that's really none of your business. Your husband was right with what he said but wrong in his delivery. You made things worse by telling him to shut up.
I'm cringing at how awkward your guests must have felt.

Lay off the wine is my advice.

TAs are paid peanuts OP

@EmilySpinach

Twenty people? Three or four people. Longstanding friends of twenty years + son's girlfriend + presumably son.

Oops, English fail. Thank for for making me read that over and over a few more times. I misunderstood it initially as 20 guests.

I’d she’d have turned around and said “sorry, I’d rather not say specifically” you’d have taken offence. She’d have felt awkward.

It was a stupid thing to ask.

Are you always so rude and intrusive? Can’t believe you asked someone who much they earn, your husband is absolutely right. Don’t blame him for any issues/atmosphere over this, you were in the wrong....big time!

Considering you're a nurse who is suppose to be caring, compassionate, responsible and respectful you appear to have absolutely no tact!! I could understand it more if this person worked in the NHS in a different role and you were just curious to see if there was any difference in pay but a TA is a completely different job, nothing to do with nursing and let's face it knowing her income will make no difference to your life!! You were being nosey and likely trying to show of that you are a nurse on a higher wage.

@PlanDeRaccordement I wouldn't say it was the clearest OP I've seen on here

I guess OP’s not coming back but just in case: bloody hell - yes, you were VERY unreasonable. You do not ask how much people earn! Your husband was embarrassed by you and I can see why. He addressed it there and then, so that the woman you asked had a chance to back out of an awkward question.

Stuff about your daughter having depression, etc, is not relevant so not sure why you’ve brought that up.

@EmilySpinach
Thank you for being so kind

I don't know where you are based OP but I think if you're in the UK that's a very rude question to ask. I'm not surprised your DH tried to step in so the lady didn't have to answer. I'd also be embarrassed if I were your friends and you asked that of my DS's girlfriend.

You were being nosey and likely trying to show of that you are a nurse on a higher wage.

@Janeo18. This is possible. I have noticed older women sometimes looking down on teachers as not a “real” career.

Yes you were rude to ask. She probably felt she had to tell you. Your husband was absolutely right.

I'm going to go a bit against the grain.....

Yes, it was a bit pushy to ask the girl what she earned but lots of us have occasionally blurted things out without thinking, especially when we've had a drink. It doesn't mean you are a terrible person, OP, you just made a mistake.

It sounds like the issue is that your partner corrected you - maybe in a rude way when you would have preferred him to be gentle.

I am amazed at the number of posters who think it is OK to ask how much someone earns, especailly of someone they have only just met. In British culture it is one of the taboo subjects. It has nothing to do with transparency or equality. It is just inappropriate and rude.

You were very rude to ask how much someone gets paid. You clearly don’t even know this girlfriend. And what would you have said if she got paid more than you. It reads very much like you were looking for a “I deserve more than you” type argument. I don’t blame your husband for telling you to mind your own business.
The girl probably answered your question because she felt she had no option. You sound the issue, not your husband. Your behaviour sounds embarrassing.

‘I'm thinking of a change of careers. Im currently a nurse. What sort of pay could expect as a new teaching assistant, with my qualifications and experience, and is there a Good career path?’ Acceptable and useful.

‘Im a nurse! Go me! Out of interest and for no other reason than to be able to look down on you, because it is well known TA’s are on low wages, what do you earn as a lowly TA?’
Rude.

From the op, I dont think you were looking for a career change. I dont think there was any reason for you to ask other than curiosity, and I’m sure you already knew the answer would be low.

Why do you think its acceptable to ask her this question? you seem very entitled in your original post like you are entitled to know this information, well you are not.. I agree with your husband and you sound like a twat tbh 🌺