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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really fucking annoyed

296 replies

Diabetes123 · 30/08/2020 23:04

So

Advice bet much needed

Had friends over tonight really close friends we’ve known for 20 years + gf of son who we’ve known for 20 years + I ask her what she does for a job. She says teaching assistant 👍 I am a nurse and out of interest i say how much do you get paid if you don’t me asking. She’s says no I don’t mind at all my husband chirps in “don’t ask her that it’s none your business (or words to that effect) can’t quite remember what he said. She answers my question but not before I say shut up to him (fair enough I could have said it in a better phrase) and he says no I won’t! Then our friends look at us (considering we’ve just got together after a 4 month split) instigated by me as I was struggling with depression brought on by our 16 year old daughters depression and his dominating personality (example tonight)! Hostile to which I thought he felt embarrassed 😩 right now we’ve just rowed about it and he’s gone to bed in a huff!

#foaming what have I done wrong?

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 31/08/2020 01:16

In the UK in general most people don't talk salary unless they know them really really well.

Seems like an odd thing to ask tbh.

Agree with the pp who said TAs are well known to be very poorly paid.

I don't understand why you asked. I'm a nurse isn't a good reason? They're totally different jobs.

Furtwangler · 31/08/2020 01:20

OP, I personally don't think it's rude to ask someone what they get paid, and you asked her in a way, ie "do you mind if I ask," that acknowledged it was a personal question. I'm totally for transparency re pay, why tf are we so zipped up about money? It really is the last taboo, most people would rather divulge the details of their sex life than say what they earn. But I know that most people do consider it out of order, so I probably wouldn't ask in front of others. I think your OH trying to shut you up and you telling him to shut up were both a bit rude, in front of guests, though.

SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 01:21

@famousforwrongreason I don't think it'd take four years for an assessment. Not for ADHD anyway. For ASD they may be less keen to do much, I don't know, unless you say you need a diagnosis for work or a course or something to provide you with extra help.

I saw a private psychiatrist for something I thought unrelated and ASD and ADHD are his pet theories of everything. I hadn't thought of it at all. He did the assessments etc and him having done that made the NHS accept it and fast track me (when they remembered me lol.)

Not saying it's a fast process mind. If you could afford it, you could see a private consultant for the assessment first. I'm not earning but I prioritized it and paid for it out of my disability payments.

But my friend just approached her GP and she got an assessment for ADHD within a few months I think. Admittedly we're in a large city, though.

SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 01:26

Also, TAs are notoriously low paid. There's no way you couldn't have known this.

@famousforwrongreason Yep, I'm skeptical of the OP claiming not to know this TBH.

@Diabetes123 Was it that you wondered how little someone could live on, or...? Confused

newmum2999 · 31/08/2020 01:31

Wtaf

You're in the wrong. You shouldn't be asking how much someone gets paid.

He was 100% right to call you out on that !!!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2020 01:33

I'm totally for transparency re pay...

Regarding people who have no business knowing your affairs? Do you have any boundaries whatsoever?

forumdonkey · 31/08/2020 01:49

You shouldn't ask someone's salary. It's private and rude and nosey of you to ask. I'd have done the same as your DH. Poor woman might not have wanted to divulge it and it may have been put in an alkward position

LittleDoritt · 31/08/2020 01:54

You were rude to ask, and rude to tell him to shut up.

spaghettihoops16 · 31/08/2020 02:01

OMG, how dare you!! That is unbelievably rude, unbelievably! Have some respect and keep your nose out of other people financial business. If she willingly told that one thing, but to for you to just ask, RUDE!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2020 02:14

My husband's parents asked him how much he made. He immediately told them to mind their own affairs. You were rude, end of.

ClivePowermax · 31/08/2020 02:18
Biscuit
rvby · 31/08/2020 02:21

Op have you been drinking?

Asking a younger person a very personal question, in front of their elders, when you're hosting them in your home - thats really really unfair and unkind of you.

I'm all for sharing earnings information, I'm very open about that but you put this girl on the spot and yabu to be "steaming" because someone called you out on that.

Not sure what your marriage troubles or your dds mh has to do with that, none of your personal problems excuse you being so massively rude and unkind to this girl.

I assume you've been drinking and don't realise how out of line you were. Perhaps sleep on it and in morning consider whether your dh had a point. He can have a point and also be an arsehole, those two things can happen at the same time

1forAll74 · 31/08/2020 02:28

It's wrong to ask a person what they earn, it' not the done thing. And if your Husband says what he did, then so be it. There is no point in arguing about all this.

Nandocushion · 31/08/2020 03:05

You were SO rude.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/08/2020 03:20

I’m with PyongyangKipperbang that it’s really unhelpful for women and minorities to be so up tight about what you earn. I wouldn’t have minded the question at all and I’d have been more than happy to answer.

FortunesFave · 31/08/2020 04:10

It's a shocking thing to ask...at least in the UK anyway. Especially to a younger person who might be too embarrassed to say "I'd rather not say" or similar.

If my DH said that at dinner, I'd probably say "How rude! Don't tell him!" to the person...just so they had permission to refuse.

Marchitectmummy · 31/08/2020 04:22

Extremely rude, I don't blame your husband trying to prevent you pursuing the conversation.

Ihave2dogs2cats5dc · 31/08/2020 04:42

Nosey as hell why did ask that?! So rude. Your husband was absolutely right.. if i were him id be so embarrassed for you. Some people are such sweet pleasers they will answer even though they feel uncomfortable because they dont want to create an awkward atmosphere. I hope you come back and read all the replieson here and learn not to ask intrusive personal questions.

Ihave2dogs2cats5dc · 31/08/2020 04:42

And you were going to tell him to shut up?! Fuckin ell.

TitsOutForHarambe · 31/08/2020 05:06

You were extremely rude

Freckles1161 · 31/08/2020 05:08

How rude of you, hope you have better bedside manners as a nurse

echt · 31/08/2020 05:17

What I don't get is you say you're really close friends of 20 years and you don't know what she does for her job.

AnxMummy10 · 31/08/2020 05:24

You were absolutely rude and then to top it off you told your dh to shut up. You really have no self awareness of how rude you are. Why did you ask such a question. You know the family for 20 years, it doesnt mean you know the gf too!!
I'm shocked at how out of line you are. No manners!

Doccomplaint · 31/08/2020 05:26

You were rude and then rude again.

Noisymotorbike · 31/08/2020 05:34

@echt

What I don't get is you say you're really close friends of 20 years and you don't know what she does for her job.
I think it was the friends' son's girlfriend.

I don't think you know her well enough to ask her that OP.