I’ve really hurt my partner by talking about his family. Feeling depressed.

[TTlover]

Hi all.

Long story short, my partner’s father was charged for holding indecent images of children (although he claims it was an accident) and taking pictures of people through their windows without permission.

I have decided not to see my partner’s father (along with most of his family except his mother). His mother has decided to stay with his father.

My partner still decides to see his mother, so in turn, has to still see his father.

Anyway, last night, I had friends over and my partner was out. My friends were asking me about the situation and I said that ‘Half of my boyfriends family are ignoring me because I don’t want a peadophole in my life’. We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone.

Part of me feels guilty because of what I said, although I probably wouldn’t have said anything differently. My partner is really hurt that I’ve said this to my friends. I feel bad for him, but I also feel that I am entitled to a private conversation with my friends.

My partner has said that he wasn’t snooping, he was on the camera app to get a previous cute recording of the dog to show his friend at work.

My friends have now left this morning and I feel guilty for them knowing that they have probably had a horrible evening.

Myself and my partner stepped out of the room for a bit when he got back and discussed it. He says he’s hurt but he forgave me and said that he wanted me to have a good night. It all turned out well in the end but I’m feeling really low this morning.

I just needed somewhere to rant. I’m sorry. :(

We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone.
I bet it wasn't the first time he's spied on you without you knowing.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree......

Just so you know, if/when you have dc you will need to declare to your HV about FIL's paedophilia - and they will have their own safeguarding measures that will most lilley include things like no photos being sent to mil/fil.
Your DP needs to start facing up to reality- and you too.

Your partner spied on you and somehow YOU ended up being the one in the wrong. It turns my stomach to see what is really going on.
Everything you write shows just how insidious he is.

I know you are not able to see it, especially considering you sound so young, but you are going to need a lot of support down the track so please do not let him cut you off from your friends. It will be subtle to start with...maybe he's embarrassed that you all talked about his family that way so you feel guilty (as he wants you to) and the contact lessons. Of course, it won't be his fault because you're the one who made that decision, right?

Good luck OP

OP you are not in the wrong here.

But if you ever have children with a man who is still seeing his paeodphile/paedophile apologist parents, you'll have done something very wrong.

Just the fact that he was upset you telling your friends the truth, implies some denial about it all.

If you have kids together and then split up you won't be able to keep your kids safe anymore. It'll be down to your partner.

Please don't have children with him unless he cuts them off and has had no contact for several years.

As another angle, look at how he's trying to get you to keep your concerns secret from your friends. Of course partners deserve some loyalty, and I'm not saying have a good old laugh with your pals about his penis size. But this is different - this is expecting you to be complicit in the family silence over abuse. You have to know that it's not right to bring children into this.

It’s vile and disgusting but I love my partner too much to walk away. This isn’t his fault.

You need to give your head a wobble. Honestly you’re just going to raise future victims of child abuse at this rate. Why are you willingly staying in a fucked up family that condones this behaviour? It’s not your partner’s fault however the only correct way to handle this is to cut off the abuser, not to excuse or downplay his actions. He also exhibits the same traits with his spy camera.

I suppose he is also biased as apparently he had a happy childhood with his father and saw no signs.

Yes, because he’s a fucking male so his father wasn’t sexually attracted to him?

Look, if you stay with him just do not have children. The risk to them is immense and I can’t see you or him protecting them if this is how you’re both behaving now.

I really hope this is a troll thread

Your DP’s father does not deserve to become a grandfather, so if your DP and his mother are unable to distance from him, and if your DP can’t sympathise with your very understandable reaction - then this will cause you immense emotional distress in the future.

Once you have children, your priority will be to protect and nurture them - you will absolutely need your DP to be in the same page - and from what you’ve said - he will not.

You will need to check for alternative spyware now that puppy/partner cam has gone. What kind of person listens in to a single line of conversation between friends, never mind a considerable amount of conversation, which is what he did?

Don't downplay how much he was listening to you and your friends. If you don't want to deal with that thought right now, at least store it under "creepy things about partner to be wary of" when possibly more things occur.

Your FIL lies about what he has done.
Your MIL minimises it.

Your BF lies about what he has done.
You minimise it.

Spot the pattern here?

Come on, OP - I know you are in a dreadful situation and I feel for you on that account, but you are conflating two things here. Just because your BF has had a dreadful time of it doesn't mean you can permit him to snoop on you like this. He was looking up a funny dog video THE VERY MOMENT you mentioned his family at home? Come on, no one can be this naive surely.

If your partner feels its too soon to talk about what will happen when you have children then you have a problem.

If it was automatic that his father would be getting nowhere near then there would be no too soon/too young/not ready for the chat.

The fact that at some point it needs a conversation means he's not 100%. That's a problem.

I agree with @lyralalala - and I think your partner is waiting for you to fall into line before he will discuss having children. Do your partner and his mother know that gramps also flashed his willy at his niece? This man is a danger to children and young women. He falls into the category of monster not potential grandfather. Your partner is either a) weak (which puts your future children in danger) or b) a creep (which puts your future children in danger).

This man is a prolific sexual offender. He will have carried out hundreds of sexual offence crimes - he has just been caught out on these 3. The indecent exposure is all about power and control and causes deep emotional distress which arouses him.

I would ask your DP to choose - you or his parents.

When he chooses his parents you will then know that he would have been so complicit / facilitating / enabling to expose your babies to this vile animal

Your DP is no better than his DM.

He is standing by him.

He doesn’t for a second condone what his father has done ... he just didn’t appreciate me speaking about his family ...

In other words, he expects you to keep this secret in case others come to know what he'd rather brush under the carpet for the sake of family relationships

You've not said what happened as a result of his father being charged (?) but how would you feel about seeing future DCs ostracised by others because your OH associates with a sex offender?
Above all, why would you even risk a future spent agonising over all the issues this will cause, when you're young and have so many other choices?

Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone.

I don't believe him about trying to find a thing on his phone. I think he was spying on you. In that respect he takes after his dad. People who spy will sometimes hear things they don't like- tough shit.

It's too much of a coincidence that he just happened to be in the app 'by mistake' in the 30 seconds or less when you said a sentence he wouldn'tve liked. He was listening for much longer.

You can't have a partner controlling what you say to friends, because it's healthy to be able to talk to friends about anything that concerns you in your relationship etc.

I like to think I'd end it with him for the spying alone.

He can't help being the child of a perverted paedo, but it was his choice to be this creepy and controlling.

I’ve been thinking about this and something really bothers me.

If he accidentally heard you saying something then he wouldn’t have mentioned it while your friends were there.

Not only did he let you know that he was spying on you, but he let your friends know he was spying on you.

Firstly - how humiliating is that? For you and your friends

Secondly - you can now never have an open conversation with your friends in your home because they (and you probably) won’t be able to trust he’s not listening. That’s a damn good attempt at isolating you from those friends.

I hate the way people quickly jump to “red flags” and “LTB” on here because life isn’t that simple, but I think you need to be very, very careful in your situation.

He was spying on you. And had no shame in telling you so. He refuses to 100% rule out his father having access to your future children. He allows his mother to insist his father is around him - what are the chances of him refusing his mother access to any children if she doesn’t agree with his father being banned?

This family are trouble. Including your DP. Please be very careful

OP I wouldn’t normally bring up past threads but this is yet a other issue you’ve posted abiit with your partner - he’s also destroyed property when your puppy nipped him, threw a shitfit about the puppy being the wrong colour, has refused to have sex with you and been an ass when you tried to bring it up, and now this. And that’s just in 2020.

@AnnaFour Wow. @TTlover This has to end.

I also remember the teacher thread- the details of the crimes are very specific- child abuse images and voyeurism, and the OP's partner not quite admitting what's been done. This is clearly the same OP.

@TTlover- write what you want on here. What matters is that you separate from this abusive man.

I didn't realize he'd said something in front of your friends. He is a very volatile and unpredictable, aggressive person. You need to cut ties with him ASAP.

His father is a sex offender
His mother is an enabler
Your partner is an apologist

Responses would be TOTALLY different if your partner had cut contact with his dad so it's ridiculous to throw out the "oh so he should be punished for his dads behaviour?" "Oh so he shouldn't have kids because of his dads behaviour?"

No. He shouldn't be the person YOU choose to have kids with because of his OWN behaviour. Which is choosing to be in contact, and minimise the behaviour of, a sex offender.

That's who you want to have children with? Wow. You're complicit in him being apologist by staying with him for however long he's in contact with his dad.

He SPIES on you. If you have kids that kind of behaviour is likely to get worse. Then if you split up, he can bring the children into contact with a sex offender who has shown he is sexually interested in children because he will have time with them without you there.

You're being foolish, naive and doubling down because you don't want to break up.

You're putting yourself well before your future child. Think about that.

Ridiculous and selfish and irresponsible.

I think if you did have children your DP would take them to his parents behind your back and lie about it like he did with spying on you through the dog cam
And his excuse would be something along the lines of 'they're his only grandchildren I can't deny them of a relationship with him'

@Famousinlove

I think if you did have children your DP would take them to his parents behind your back and lie about it like he did with spying on you through the dog cam And his excuse would be something along the lines of 'they're his only grandchildren I can't deny them of a relationship with him'

Absolutely. And OP would be going into that with her eyes open. It's irresponsible parenting before even becoming a parent. Unreal. Hopefully literally.

What did your friends say when you told them they had been secretly recorded, watched and listened in on?

If I remember the earlier thread is all about evasive, minimising of the crimes - your BF hiding what he had been convicted of and people on here informing you of the legal status.

Sounds like you’ve been groomed and gaslit.

Is this for real? You caught your partner snooping when his parent has just been convicted for similar offense? I'd be wondering where else the cameras were hidden...Run!