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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve really hurt my partner by talking about his family. Feeling depressed.

198 replies

TTlover · 29/08/2020 10:48

Hi all.

Long story short, my partner’s father was charged for holding indecent images of children (although he claims it was an accident) and taking pictures of people through their windows without permission.

I have decided not to see my partner’s father (along with most of his family except his mother). His mother has decided to stay with his father.

My partner still decides to see his mother, so in turn, has to still see his father.

Anyway, last night, I had friends over and my partner was out. My friends were asking me about the situation and I said that ‘Half of my boyfriends family are ignoring me because I don’t want a peadophole in my life’. We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone.

Part of me feels guilty because of what I said, although I probably wouldn’t have said anything differently. My partner is really hurt that I’ve said this to my friends. I feel bad for him, but I also feel that I am entitled to a private conversation with my friends.

My partner has said that he wasn’t snooping, he was on the camera app to get a previous cute recording of the dog to show his friend at work.

My friends have now left this morning and I feel guilty for them knowing that they have probably had a horrible evening.

Myself and my partner stepped out of the room for a bit when he got back and discussed it. He says he’s hurt but he forgave me and said that he wanted me to have a good night. It all turned out well in the end but I’m feeling really low this morning.

I just needed somewhere to rant. I’m sorry. :(

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/08/2020 15:47

I don't understand why his mum can't come to your house on her own, rather than your partner going to their home.

SirGawain · 29/08/2020 15:53

So he "accidentally" downloaded obscene pictures. Took intimate photographs and indecently exposed himself.
Your DP also spied on your private time with friends.
I begin to sense a pattern developing here!

Codexdivinchi · 29/08/2020 15:53

I think your in complete denial that that your partner was spying on you and your friends. Just like his dad was caught doing.

And your still wanting to discuss having kids with him?

Wake up OP. He is not even prepared to say that your children won’t even go hear his father.

Are you really that desperate to keep this man?

Original poster
TTlover · 29/08/2020 15:54

I just don’t feel that’ it’s my place to tell my partner what relationships to have with his parents. As long as myself or our future children are not involved.

I’ve confided in my parents about this. My parents love my partner and treat him like their own son. My parents feel that my partner is too embarrassed about his dad, so will bury the issues deeo and try to normalise seeing them.

OP posts:
Janus · 29/08/2020 15:57

My partners mother has the approach with my partner that ‘you’ll see me and your Dad or no one at all’.
She sounds awful! I know what I would be doing then. Time to start making a stand.

Janus · 29/08/2020 15:59

If she has the hold over him already she will also make him ‘sneak in’ any future grandchildren I’m sure, he doesn’t seem able to stand up for himself.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 16:00

@TTlover

I just don’t feel that’ it’s my place to tell my partner what relationships to have with his parents. As long as myself or our future children are not involved.

I’ve confided in my parents about this. My parents love my partner and treat him like their own son. My parents feel that my partner is too embarrassed about his dad, so will bury the issues deeo and try to normalise seeing them.

Erm, yes it is when one of them is a peodphile and you want children with this man. If course it is your place.
Byallmeans · 29/08/2020 16:01

Your children’s grandpa will be known as the local pedophile. As a man and father he will not even say that his future kids will be banned from seeing them.

What about when his mother wants to see the kids and he just bobs round with them or his mother gets upset that grandpa can’t see the kids.

It’s just another battle your going to have.

For some reason you are refusing to accept that this man was spying on your friends and actually they all need an apology. Don’t you think they will be taking about it today?

Clinging on to some one who has shown the same traits as some one who has been arrested and charged over it.

You should think more of yourself

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 16:02

The more you normalise it, the more you will be manipulated.

Codexdivinchi · 29/08/2020 16:02

And that’s exactly what she will say when you have kids.

Be very careful OP that SS dont get involved when you do have kids

Tistheseason17 · 29/08/2020 16:02

I woudl dump him.

No way I could stay with him whilst he sees his convicted father.

He is an adult and can say no to his mum. He is choosing not to. Think about what would happen with any children - granny would insist on seeing them with her paedopile, voyeur husband and your partner would stand up for them. Walk away whilst not over invested.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 16:03

His father has abused children. Children.
I think that more than embarrassment is needed.
Please ditch this guy before you are brainwashed, groomed even, like his mother.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 16:05

Yes, you would be on Social services radar. If he keeps in contact with his father, then yes.
Is that really how you want to raise your children?

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 29/08/2020 16:06

Doesn't your DP see the irony of him snooping on you and that's what his DF got done for??? Showing his mates cute puppy pics, my arse!! You take photo's for that.
Also, given how he's buried his head in the sand and his DM's attitude, I don't doubt that he'd sneak any future GC over to see them. You can't be with them 24/7. I wouldn't relax unless I was hundred's of miles away from them.
Agreed it must be awful for your DP but you are entitled to off-load to your friends, in privacy!!
Glad you got rid of the puppy cam but be careful he doesn't find another way to snoop.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 16:08

Find your voice OP.

AbbieFB · 29/08/2020 16:08

Regardless of his relationship with his parents, he is spying on you. You can’t be naive enough to to think he was genuinely looking for a video when he heard you? He was also invading the privacy of your friends. Both you and they had the right to a private conversation.

He snooped on you all and yet you say he’s accepted your apology? It sounds as though you don’t understand that the person in the wrong was him.

His father snooped on women and you find it disgusting, I’m surprised you don’t feel the same way about your partner.

HotPenguin · 29/08/2020 16:09

In addition to what everyone else has said, it's very concerning that your partner is trying to prevent you from telling the truth about his father to your close friends. His mother is trying to make him brush it under the carpet by insisting he sees them both together or not at all, and in turn he is trying to make you brush it under the carpet by lying to your friends about the real reason for the rift.

I think you need to open your eyes to what is happening here.

Codexdivinchi · 29/08/2020 16:09

Did you post about this in June OP? Do you already have children?

Bbang · 29/08/2020 16:11

Sounds like your ‘D’H is a chip off the old inappropriate block. Gross, bin all of them off.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/08/2020 16:18

If you had kids I don’t think ss would actually let them see your fil anyway.

It would be a massive safeguarding risk.

TravelGem · 29/08/2020 16:23

I really think your partner should admit what he's done and apologise to you and your friends.

On most puppy cams you have to actively turn the sound on when reviewing videos/ live feeds.

He was obviously apprehensive about you having friends over and knew his father would be the topic of conversation at some point so wanted to know what was said.

He needs to own what he's done otherwise there will always be some doubt in your mind... well in my mind if I were you....

SpilltheTea · 29/08/2020 16:31

Why on earth did you apologise to him? He was obviously snooping on the puppy cam, which is creepy as hell. You'd think he'd have more respect for privacy after his Dad's activities. I wouldn't be having children with someone who can't guarantee they won't take my children to visit a paedophile.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 16:32

His mother is a victim too and has prob been groomed and manipulated for years by his father.
The only way to keep your future children would be no contact. At all. I can't see that happening.

Windmillwhirl · 29/08/2020 16:38

No question he was snooping to find out what you and your friends were saying about his dad.

You answered a question and have nothing to apologise for. How dare he want an apology. I'd be livid, not upset.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 29/08/2020 16:39

He may not condone what his father has done, and does not realize he is doing the same by watching and litening to you and your friends on the puppy cam. Even now it's unplugged the damage is done.
You will spend time wondering about this, and he has no right to make you spend time with his father, even if it is to see his mother. Once kids come along, he can take them to see is Mum (and by default his Dad) when you aren't there or is divorced whenever he has contact.
No way I'd ever consider having kids who could be put in this position with this man.