I’ve really hurt my partner by talking about his family. Feeling depressed.

[TTlover]

Hi all.

Long story short, my partner’s father was charged for holding indecent images of children (although he claims it was an accident) and taking pictures of people through their windows without permission.

I have decided not to see my partner’s father (along with most of his family except his mother). His mother has decided to stay with his father.

My partner still decides to see his mother, so in turn, has to still see his father.

Anyway, last night, I had friends over and my partner was out. My friends were asking me about the situation and I said that ‘Half of my boyfriends family are ignoring me because I don’t want a peadophole in my life’. We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone.

Part of me feels guilty because of what I said, although I probably wouldn’t have said anything differently. My partner is really hurt that I’ve said this to my friends. I feel bad for him, but I also feel that I am entitled to a private conversation with my friends.

My partner has said that he wasn’t snooping, he was on the camera app to get a previous cute recording of the dog to show his friend at work.

My friends have now left this morning and I feel guilty for them knowing that they have probably had a horrible evening.

Myself and my partner stepped out of the room for a bit when he got back and discussed it. He says he’s hurt but he forgave me and said that he wanted me to have a good night. It all turned out well in the end but I’m feeling really low this morning.

I just needed somewhere to rant. I’m sorry. :(

To protect my dc, yes.

Seriously i think you should see a therapist, just to get over this if nothing else.

And yes I thought you were the school employee, too.

Sorry I read your last comment wrong I meant yes and I wouldn't spy on my partner and then get upset when I am caught.

Look up books on codependency and see if any of it rings a bell with you. Article here psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/
The fact that your DH can behave like a shit and watch you and your friends secretly, but you think you did something wrong??
You did nothing wrong. You answered your friends in a truthful way. If your DH isn't happy about it, his gripe is with his Dad not you.

OP yes I would, no doubt.
Does your DP have a camera in your bedroom?
You are very naive to even consider having kids with him. You would be at risk of having them removed if not able to protect them.

@TTlover

Ok. Let’s all step into his shoes. Your father is a sex offender. Could you be strong enough to cut your whole family out of your life as an only child?

Yes. 100% yes. But stop thinking about him and start thinking about you.

I can’t even believe you’re thinking of having dc with this man. He’s been spying on you too, I call bullshit on him wanting to show his colleague a picture/footage of the puppy. He was watching you, how creep? The apple certainly doesn’t fall far from the tree.
If you had a dc you will be under SS radar.
As your DP is still visiting his df I could never trust him with dc.
You seem like in denial. You will be in for a lifetime of misery. Forgives you? What for? Telling the truth 🤦🏼‍♀️

What you don't seem to grasp, is that your dp really really needs to work on himself and work for very secure boundaries if you should consider having dc with him.

I know you love him, but all this with pil and on top of that he is spying on you and you apologize. It is so not right neither by your dp nor you.

@TTlover

Ok. Let’s all step into his shoes. Your father is a sex offender. Could you be strong enough to cut your whole family out of your life as an only child?

My head is in my hands. You honestly think that associating with a convicted paedophile is preferable to having no contact with parents?! This is not a dilemma that any decent person with any form of moral compass has to grapple with. Parents who are fucking paedophiles or paedophile apologists are not a loss to anyone!! I would quite honestly never breath my fathers name again if he’d done what this man has, the idea of spending social time with him wouldn’t enter my head.

Your boundaries and standards are disturbing. I beg you not to have children with your partner, or anyone for that matter, until you can even start to understand how wrong this is.

@TTlover
None of this sounds good
Don’t have kids with him, for all you know he’ll take them round there.

He’s also a creep for spying on you and a spineless one at that for pretending he was coming over a fucking puppy,

*Cooing not coming
Never has a typo been more bitterly regretted

he's all about maintaining the facade isnt he
and the apple didnt fall far from the peeping tom tree did it:(

Please think carefully.
Yes, he should be strong enough to have no contact with his father
His mother could choose to see him without his father being present.

If you have children, how long before his mother puts pressure on to see her grandchildren? A paedophile can groom in plain sight so very easily. Seeing grandpa will make your children view him as a safe person. You would have to be watching every single second, and that might not be enough. SS would be involved. And if you split up, he could take your children to see his parents.
The puppy cam is very worrying. As soon as he realised he was hearing you talk to your friends he should have switched off.

Can you not see that he is making you apologise for what he heard while eavesdropping - you telling your friends that his father watched women who were unaware of him?

'It's horrible not being able to see all of the family. And I do miss that dog of yours'.

'I know, Dad'

'If I could just see their faces from time to time to know they're alright, I'd be fine. And how is the pup? Must be very big now'

'Tell you what Dad, I've got this Puppy Cam thing linked to my phone and I can pull some footage of the pup up for you to see.'

'And you can just log in whenever you like to check what he's doing? That's brilliant, son. Do they cost a lot of money?'

'Not much. It's got sound, too. See, there she is with her friends and if I click the speaker icon...'

I'd be very, very suspicious of somebody who has been brought up by somebody with a thing for watching people without their consent suddenly doing things that are absolutely linked to watching people without their consent.

Especially as they don't seem to think that watching children be abused and people filmed without their consent isn't worth completely cutting them off as though they were dead.

@MotherofTerriers I do see where your coming from and understand the irony of the situation.

I have put boundaries in place, FIL is not allowed to come near or in our home. My DH has completely respected this and has never asked or put pressure on me.

I do think that is we were to have children he would respect my wishes, although he hasn’t confirmed this yet as we are still young.

There honestly is nothing you can all say to me that I haven’t already thought about or lost sleep about. :(

@TTlover

Ok. Let’s all step into his shoes. Your father is a sex offender. Could you be strong enough to cut your whole family out of your life as an only child?

Yup. Cut every last one of them out now that the only one who didn't condone my being battered (and telling people if I wasn't mental and making it up/imagining it, I would have deserved being battered for being mental in any case) is dead.

I have no family anymore.

It's not fucking hard.

Ok. Let’s all step into his shoes. Your father is a sex offender. Could you be strong enough to cut your whole family out of your life as an only child?

I work in field and the answer is some people are and some aren't.

Ok then. So my partner doesn’t deserve to be a parent

No one deserves to be a parent.
But every child deserves to be kept safe from the risk of sexual abuse.
Currently your DP wouldn't be able to do this.

I would strongly suggest that you seek support from the Lucy Faithful Foundation.

OP your last question applies to me, regarding the male who bred me, and my answer is AB SO FUCKING LUTELY, happily, without a second thought.

I think your dp needs to realise he's suffered a bereavement - possible a double bereavement. The parents he knew and loved are not there, instead he has a paedophile and possibly a paedophile apologist in their place. When he has come to terms with that, and cut the paedophile and , if she's still with him, the apologist, out of his life, and accepted his dcs won't, sadly, have paternal grandparents, then he deserves to have children, as he is doing his best for them and can hold up his head as a good father. It will probably take a long time, he may not get there . I am not surprised he is depressed, it is as I said, effectively a double bereavement, and his mum has chosen to go, not stay, which must make it even harder.

He may well need professional help to come to terms with this very unwelcome situation.

HOWEVER none of this excuses the snooping, and none of it excuses him blaming you for his pain, which is obviously caused by his parents. To put it kindly, he does not appear to be in the right place to treat you properly. To be honest I am struggling to see how any amount of distress could possibly excuse spying on you. I would find the fact that he did that bad enough, but then to demand YOU apologise to HIM..

You need to set some clear boundaries here to protect yourself, and show him that you take the difference between right and wrong deadly seriously.

Your dps father has turned a lot of people's lives upside down. The factvthat father snd son both snoop on people must surely make you really uncomfortable though.

This is really awful, but I don't think it is that complicated at heart

OP I wouldn’t normally bring up past threads but this is yet a other issue you’ve posted abiit with your partner - he’s also destroyed property when your puppy nipped him, threw a shitfit about the puppy being the wrong colour, has refused to have sex with you and been an ass when you tried to bring it up, and now this. And that’s just in 2020.

Do you really think togs relationship is worth it?

Actually one of my close relatives is a sex offender... Haven't seen him since the day he was arrested except for in court. Neither have my dc.
It can and should be done.

"I do think that is we were to have children he would respect my wishes, although he hasn’t confirmed this yet as we are still young."

The thing is, he could confirm it, and really mean it. But then his mum would want to see the children, and he wouldn't want to upset her - and what harm would it do for her to see them when you are there to supervise? The pressure on him would be relentless. And she'd build a relationship with them, and then what harm would it do for her to babysit. Until he happens to pop in while she is on her own with your children.

My friend has a sex offender in her immediate family. She, her husband and her children have nothing to do with them. That includes her mother who stood by the offender.

You still don’t appear to understand the seriousness of what he did to you and your friends last night.

You’re condoning paedophile by continuing a relationship with a man who stays in touch with his father who has been convicted in court for sex offences.

And now that man has started to exhibit similar behaviour to you.

You say your MIL excuses her partner- that is just what you are doing.

"I do think that is we were to have children he would respect my wishes"

Show me a parent to be that would say they won't always put their children's well-being first.

Saying it and doing it are two different things.

You need to understand how serious his behaviour is. He wouldn't "respect your wishes" and your children would be in grave danger. If you stay with him and have children with him you don't ever be able to say you didn't know it might happen