I’ve really hurt my partner by talking about his family. Feeling depressed.

[TTlover]

Hi all.

Long story short, my partner’s father was charged for holding indecent images of children (although he claims it was an accident) and taking pictures of people through their windows without permission.

I have decided not to see my partner’s father (along with most of his family except his mother). His mother has decided to stay with his father.

My partner still decides to see his mother, so in turn, has to still see his father.

Anyway, last night, I had friends over and my partner was out. My friends were asking me about the situation and I said that ‘Half of my boyfriends family are ignoring me because I don’t want a peadophole in my life’. We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone.

Part of me feels guilty because of what I said, although I probably wouldn’t have said anything differently. My partner is really hurt that I’ve said this to my friends. I feel bad for him, but I also feel that I am entitled to a private conversation with my friends.

My partner has said that he wasn’t snooping, he was on the camera app to get a previous cute recording of the dog to show his friend at work.

My friends have now left this morning and I feel guilty for them knowing that they have probably had a horrible evening.

Myself and my partner stepped out of the room for a bit when he got back and discussed it. He says he’s hurt but he forgave me and said that he wanted me to have a good night. It all turned out well in the end but I’m feeling really low this morning.

I just needed somewhere to rant. I’m sorry. :(

What a crap situation you fil has put you all in.

Very much dammed if you do/dammed if you don’t.

So......

You needed to talk to your friends, you can’t bottle it all up.

Unfortunate that your partner heard it. Deliberately or not.

In the light of family history, even though the puppy cam was bought innocently, it has to go. Others will learn of its existence and tongues will wag.

If I was in your partners situation I’m not sure if I’d want to visit my Dad but I would feel a responsibility to support my Mum.

The situation regarding his relationships with both of his parents will change over time.

You didn’t mention if you have your own children? This, if you have them/when you do will also affect the dynamics.

Some time ago I worked with a man who had committed similar crimes, his relationships, and employment, changed overnight. Thoughts about him didn't mellow but he was supported quietly as a way of supporting his wife.

All the best with this.

OP I think you posted some time ago? If so you & DP are in a serious relationship & you have tried to support him while making it clear future children & you will have no contact with his father or other family members refusing take the crimes seriously.

You need support in this situation too, I think your DP is being unfair, though his mental health is likely clouding his judgement.

Has it not been in the press? Is it not common knowledge?

OP, I understand you both feel depressed and stigmatized by your FIL's actions. And you seem very protective of your dh.

BUT we all need an outlet, it is mentally good for you to share with friends, not having a life filled with dirty secrets you have to keep for others. Being open might heal some of your hurt.

That said your dh snooped on you, his excuse is not valid. He shouldn't be limiting you in any way, that's controlling and not up to him to judge what you need to do to move on.

And seriously you need to confront the secrecy at some point. Secrets can ruin families.

I would question why he can’t see his mum on her own?? They could meet in a cafe once a week or similar rather than insisting the dad leave the house. I think the mum should be doing this.

He was snooping! I would be concerned about that tbh. Why do you think your friends had a bad night? That’s unclear.

Sounds tough with his dad but you should be able to offload to your friends without your dp trying to spy on you. What are you supposed to say? “Oh ya fil is a paedophile but it’s all good really don’t have to see him doesn’t bother me?” You deserve to offload about this to your friends. It’s a lot.

Can you see that these behaviours are the same and are both unacceptable. Your DP and his father are cut from the same cloth. You should be very concerned and thinking about where this need to intrude on others privacy comes from.

I was going to say exactly the same thing. It does looks as though they share some tenancies.

He was spying on you and your friends. You need to recognise the gross invasion of your friends privacy at least..

WTF. No one is allowed to snoop on your conversations. Even without the whole paedophile dad thing that is a dealer breaker. This is a massive red flag. Do not ignore it.

Bit of a coincidence that he happened to tune in just as you said something about his father.

Absolute bullshit. I'm willing to get he was was listening/watching the whole time.

Please don't bring children into this mess of a family situation.

You did nothing wrong, a paedophile is what your DP's father is, he bought that on himself.

Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree if he feels entitled to invade your privacy in the way that he has.

So he just so happened to overhear that specific part of the conversation? He was clearly spying on you.

It is super creepy and massively disrespectful. I feel worried for you op - that you seem more concerned with his feelings than your own or your friends. I bet if you were really honest with yourself there are other warning signs that ought to be ringing alarm bells.

Does your dp accept his father's explanation that the indecent images were "an accident"? That seems quite important to know.

What are the details of the voyeurism? Does his father accept he is guilty of these offences or were they an accident too? And what is your dp's attitude to that?

If you have kids is he going to still take them to see his Mother? because i surely hope not.

I wouldnt want a pedo in my life either. and im sorry but all you did was say the truth

If he felt that strongly about his DF he would be seeing his DM on her own. What’s gonna happen when you have kids? Surely he won’t be able to take them home to see his DM with his DF in the house?
And yes, it’s insulting to try to make you believe that he was only looking for a cute puppy picture to show at work? He was snooping alright.

What is the purpose of a puppy cam? Does that not make you feel uneasy OP after what his dad has been charged for?

I wouldn’t have anything to do with his mother either because she’s chose to stay with her husband. I can understand it’s awkward but we all speak to our friend about things... I think I would have said the same thing. How would your partner feel if it was the other way round!

Oh of course he was snooping. You’re hardly likely to not Discuss a paedo fil are you?.

This is super weird. He forgave you for stating that FIL is a paedophile and that you don't want that in your life? I think he needs to accept this is the reality and you are acting in a sane and responsible way.

My partner is an only child so has always taken the brunt of everything. In my opinion, his parents have always played the ‘victim card’ and been emotionally abusive towards him.

My partners mother has the approach with my partner that ‘you’ll see me and your Dad or no one at all’.

He agrees that there are too many incidents for this not to be true (indecent images), and has mixed thoughts about whether to believe this about his own father. I do, deep down, believe he sees what his father is.

When I’ve spoke to him about children, he says that we don’t even need to think about that yet, where as I think we do. I have told him that if we have children, our children will not be seeing him until they’re 18 and old enough to make their own choices. If I can’t stomach to face the man, then I shouldn’t have the responsibility of making my children have to!

We’re good people caught up in a vile situation that unfortunately my partner is attached to as he can’t choose his family.

I do sometimes wonder, ‘what sort of person does that make my partner to still entertain his parents?’ But I’m hoping that he will eventually see what his father is. I wouldn’t want to think that about my father and would want to bury my head in the sand, but he needs to admit to what he is seeing in front of him.

His dad plead guilty to apparently ‘Having the images on his phone’ but denies downloading them knowingly. He claims someone sent him a link that he clicked on and the images downloaded. - yet he didn’t tell the police or his wife?!

He took photos of women getting changed. There has also been a new incident disclosed to me by my partners cousin, that she was in the house alone with him and he walked down the stairs with his dressing gown open and nothing wrong.

So there we go, 3 or more incidents of a similar nature. It’s vile and disgusting but I love my partner too much to walk away. This isn’t his fault.

I suppose he is also biased as apparently he had a happy childhood with his father and saw no signs. He also can’t believe his mother would really still be with ‘someone like that’ (in his own words).

So not just the paedophilia...he also spied on women without their knowledge too?
Hmm...sound familiar op?

Just, be on your guard op. Hopefully this was a one off mistake. But I really dont like the sound of this. The fact that he tried to convince you tou were in the wrong after his creepy behaviour is quite frankly, not on. It shows an air of arrogance. And I know you may not want to think it but, he may have a little more of his father in him than you think.

Just, keep an eye out for other controlling oe manipulative or...creepy, behaviour. Just incase.

Like father, like son. Who decided to install the puppy cam?

"My partner is an only child so has always taken the brunt of everything"

What does that even mean? Only children are taking the brunt of what?

You are making excuses for him. He spied on you and your friends and it's not the first time. Utterly creepy. You are considering having children with this man?

You haven't answered why your friends had a bad night? What did he say to them?

Even if you put aside the fact he is in regular contact with a paedophile, he still spied on you and you have no idea whether this is a one off or a regular occurrence.

This in itself is a breach of trust and you should really think carefully about whether this is someone you want to stay with.

He was spying on you, and it’s most likely not the first time. Whose idea was the dog camera?

*"My partner is an only child so has always taken the brunt of everything"

What does that even mean? Only children are taking the brunt of what?*

I expect she means as an only child he doesnt have a sibling to share anything with. So his parents offload everything onto just him as there are no other children