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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve really hurt my partner by talking about his family. Feeling depressed.

198 replies

TTlover · 29/08/2020 10:48

Hi all.

Long story short, my partner’s father was charged for holding indecent images of children (although he claims it was an accident) and taking pictures of people through their windows without permission.

I have decided not to see my partner’s father (along with most of his family except his mother). His mother has decided to stay with his father.

My partner still decides to see his mother, so in turn, has to still see his father.

Anyway, last night, I had friends over and my partner was out. My friends were asking me about the situation and I said that ‘Half of my boyfriends family are ignoring me because I don’t want a peadophole in my life’. We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone.

Part of me feels guilty because of what I said, although I probably wouldn’t have said anything differently. My partner is really hurt that I’ve said this to my friends. I feel bad for him, but I also feel that I am entitled to a private conversation with my friends.

My partner has said that he wasn’t snooping, he was on the camera app to get a previous cute recording of the dog to show his friend at work.

My friends have now left this morning and I feel guilty for them knowing that they have probably had a horrible evening.

Myself and my partner stepped out of the room for a bit when he got back and discussed it. He says he’s hurt but he forgave me and said that he wanted me to have a good night. It all turned out well in the end but I’m feeling really low this morning.

I just needed somewhere to rant. I’m sorry. :(

OP posts:
Felinefiner · 29/08/2020 19:07

Name changed for this.
I am in the position you will be in in a few years if you stay with this man re. Paedo FIL.
When FILs crimes came to light, of course, I said my DC would never see him again. The offences were historical, taking place 50- 30 years ago, involving abusing his own family members. And my DC had stayed overnight there before people spoke up because the two victims had never spoken up or thought to warn me.
My DH is a good man, not a spy cam f**king pervert, and yet still, some time later he took one of my (teen) DC there to visit against my wishes. Since then, another DC has been to visit their grandmother with him there. Also against my wishes- but Grandmother is very ill and they wanted to see her. My kids all know what he has done. and I have had to ask them if anything ever happened to them. (They say It didn't)
With smaller kids, you would be tearing yourself apart with doubt/ fear - they would be too young / scared to tell you.
Even if your DP says now your future kids will not have to see FIL, do not believe for a second this will be kept to. Pressure will be put on him by his Mum and probably Dad too to bring DC round there. You will have to live as I have with the agony of not knowing if anything has ever happened and the knowledge that your DP/ MIL have enabled this. It will destroy you.
On top of all this, your DP spies on you and then tries to make you feel you are in the wrong. Wake up- before it's too late- leave this man before your future innocent children are put at risk of being abused my this monster.

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 29/08/2020 19:28

They say you can't choose your family. You can choose to cut them off though..

nosswith · 29/08/2020 19:30

I think you have to consider, should you ever want a family, that it will not be with your present DP. Unless his mum and dad separate or until his dad dies.

Horrible decision to have to make, but given the apparent denial or unwillingness to act, probably the only one you can make.

WoodenFox · 29/08/2020 19:33

@growinggreyer

taking pictures of people through their windows without permission.

We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone

Can you see that these behaviours are the same and are both unacceptable. Your DP and his father are cut from the same cloth. You should be very concerned and thinking about where this need to intrude on others privacy comes from.

👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼

This sums it up nicely. He was spying on you. You didn't say anything wrong. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as they say.

newnameforthis123 · 29/08/2020 19:42

@TTlover

Ok then. So my partner doesn’t deserve to be a parent because of what his dad has done.
That's twisting what people have said.

Most people believe he is not a sensible choice of coparent for you as he choosing to be in contact with someone who is a sex offender.

Not just 'accidental' illegal images but voyeurism.

Your partner didn't do the crime but by staying in contact he is displaying some form of being complicit.

He has chosen to stay in touch with a paedophile and voyeur. You believe 'deep down' he knows his father is guilty of both.

Why would you choose to stay with someone and consider having children with someone who chooses to be in contact with someone like that?

Raise your bar.

newnameforthis123 · 29/08/2020 19:42

@TTlover

Ok. Let’s all step into his shoes. Your father is a sex offender. Could you be strong enough to cut your whole family out of your life as an only child?
If they were in touch with the sex offender then yes, absolutely.
Dontbeme · 29/08/2020 19:50

I remember your last thread OP, you were advised then to run out of there like your arse was on fire. The person your fil was photographing was a young woman that he had known since she was a child right, he has no boundaries, your dp has now shown he has no boundaries by watching your evening with your friends, he was spying that night and you know it.

Continue making excuses because no matter what these two creeps do you will stay and be one of those women down the line that claim they had "no idea" their child was at risk of abuse from grandad, you prefer the ease of denial rather than facing the truth. Your poor parents must be tearing their hair out at what you are involved in.

Chloemol · 29/08/2020 19:51

Well they do say that those that eavesdrop don’t hear good things about them selves, and this proves it

He’s lying about the puppy cam, he was checking up on you, and that’s more worrying than you telling your friends the truth because, however hurtful it is, it’s true. And surely it’s better they hear the truth from you than a load of gossip from others

newnameforthis123 · 29/08/2020 20:05

OP.

Do you believe your partner didn't listen to your conversation on purpose?

Do you believe you are being responsible by planning to bring children into this relationship?

Alwaysinpain · 29/08/2020 20:09

OP, if you had children with this man, there is a very strong likelihood that they would be removed from you if you refused to leave your DP. Once social services realised that your DP has contact with his DF, they'd swoop in and give you an ultimatum. I've seen it happen in a previous job.

Codexdivinchi · 29/08/2020 20:10

History repeating its self tbh. His father was recording a young woman and now your dp has recorded your friends. And like his mother your in denial.

I really hope you don’t have kids with him

DirtyDeeds · 29/08/2020 20:14

The dog seems to have changed age and breed a bit too

Greyblueeyes · 29/08/2020 20:19

@TTlover

Ok then. So my partner doesn’t deserve to be a parent because of what his dad has done.
No, your partner doesn't deserve to have children if he will willingly continue having a relationship with a convicted child abuser.

He clearly does not have very good judgment, does he?

Innocent children do not deserve to be brought into this mess.

Greyblueeyes · 29/08/2020 20:22

Damn right I would cut any child abuser and their enablers out of my life. Forever. That's a red line. And it's not just one incident, OP. It's several. There's no denying it.

MillyMollyFarmer · 29/08/2020 20:24

Could you be strong enough to cut your whole family out of your life as an only child?

My father is a domestic abuser and sex offender. He’s responsible for at least 1 suicide. I have no contact with him or siblings. Thank fuck. Bunch of apologists.

airbags · 29/08/2020 20:27

@TTlover
"Ok then. So my partner doesn’t deserve to be a parent because of what his dad has done."

Grow up and get real. He has chosen to stay in contact with a paedophile, who exposes himself to his niece (gross) and spies on naked women. Plus, your DP spied on you. Not to mention the gaslighting and "forgiving" you.

So what if lovely grandad exposes himself to your children? Considered that?

WAKE UP!! Oh, but sorry, I forgot - you love him. Ridiculous.

andannabegins · 29/08/2020 20:29

What if you do have a child with this man then decide you can't cope with these people still being around. You split up and have no control over who is seeing your child on his time. You could be easily giving access to a paedo. If he continues to have them in his life he doesn't have you. Simple

MrsBobDylan · 29/08/2020 20:50

I 100% remember someone in your exact situation posting here op and she was a teacher. Have you left the profession? You would have to declare that you had a link to a convicted sex offender wouldn't you?

Don't kid yourself that because fil isn't allowed to your home and you don't see him, it isn't a direct link. You are in a relationship with a man who regularly spends time with a peadophile.

How is that ok? How can you justify that?

Anyway, you have done an excellent job of listening to no one and excusing everything in the name of love. Good luck, you'll need it.

ButterflyRuns · 29/08/2020 20:53

You're not the problem here

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/08/2020 20:54

I think it has been deleted but there was a pretty upsetting thread on Step parenting forum about a woman whose DH’s ex had a paedophile father. Photos of the kids ended up on various websites. Social services are now involved.

I can’t imagine going to a friend’s house and discovering that her husband has been spying on me through a puppy cam. If I ever found that out I would never go to that friend’s house again.

newnameforthis123 · 29/08/2020 20:55

@ButterflyRuns

You're not the problem here
But she's making it her problem by considering having children with someone who has contact with a sex offender who has had images of child abuse / images of children for sexual gratification and voyeur images of an unknowing woman.

It is a problem she has control over to an extent because she can choose whether or not she wants to be with someone who is choosing to maintain contact with such a vile criminal.

LunaLoveFood · 29/08/2020 21:19

There was a thread the other day where the op's partner was videoing her and spying on her , if I remember correctly he was arrested as it is illegal.

Giraffey1 · 29/08/2020 21:31

You don’t need a puppy cam when you are home. Why was it switched on? Did your friends know they were being recorded? Not good, OP, not good.

Your OH did not need to view live feed if he was just after historical footage. And he must have realised pdq that he was eavesdropping on life stuff and should have stopped immediately.

Why is it not ok for you to be stating the facts to your friends? Your OH ah well feel uncomfortable knowing you talk about the situation to others but he doesn’t get to censor your speech.

Frankly, while I can just about understand your H wanted to see his mum, he could do this while his dad is not around. People don’t accidentally download and store indecent images of children or accidentally take photos of people out of your window, and I struggle to understand why he wants to maintain a relationship with someone who breaks the law in this way.

iMatter · 29/08/2020 21:51

@MitziK

'It's horrible not being able to see all of the family. And I do miss that dog of yours'.

'I know, Dad'

'If I could just see their faces from time to time to know they're alright, I'd be fine. And how is the pup? Must be very big now'

'Tell you what Dad, I've got this Puppy Cam thing linked to my phone and I can pull some footage of the pup up for you to see.'

'And you can just log in whenever you like to check what he's doing? That's brilliant, son. Do they cost a lot of money?'

'Not much. It's got sound, too. See, there she is with her friends and if I click the speaker icon...'

I'd be very, very suspicious of somebody who has been brought up by somebody with a thing for watching people without their consent suddenly doing things that are absolutely linked to watching people without their consent.

Especially as they don't seem to think that watching children be abused and people filmed without their consent isn't worth completely cutting them off as though they were dead.

This just sent a chill up my spine.

I hope you have seen this OP.

Inkpaperstars · 29/08/2020 23:24

Your partner needs to accept that you called his father a paedophile because that is what he is. You should be able to talk to your friends. You have not created this situation, his father has.

Had your partner had counselling about this? If not you should encourage that.

I also think that if his mother stays with his father, and he is still contacting or seeing her, then any future children will end up seeing their grandfather or having their pictures sent to him.