I’ve really hurt my partner by talking about his family. Feeling depressed.

[TTlover]

Hi all.

Long story short, my partner’s father was charged for holding indecent images of children (although he claims it was an accident) and taking pictures of people through their windows without permission.

I have decided not to see my partner’s father (along with most of his family except his mother). His mother has decided to stay with his father.

My partner still decides to see his mother, so in turn, has to still see his father.

Anyway, last night, I had friends over and my partner was out. My friends were asking me about the situation and I said that ‘Half of my boyfriends family are ignoring me because I don’t want a peadophole in my life’. We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone.

Part of me feels guilty because of what I said, although I probably wouldn’t have said anything differently. My partner is really hurt that I’ve said this to my friends. I feel bad for him, but I also feel that I am entitled to a private conversation with my friends.

My partner has said that he wasn’t snooping, he was on the camera app to get a previous cute recording of the dog to show his friend at work.

My friends have now left this morning and I feel guilty for them knowing that they have probably had a horrible evening.

Myself and my partner stepped out of the room for a bit when he got back and discussed it. He says he’s hurt but he forgave me and said that he wanted me to have a good night. It all turned out well in the end but I’m feeling really low this morning.

I just needed somewhere to rant. I’m sorry. :(

Get rid of that bloody camera. If my partner heard me with the girls and stuff we all talk about - especially when we go on a rant about our partners he would be gobsmacked. I would NOT feel guilty he I so much in the wrong here.

What are the odds that he just went onto the cam and happened to hear that part of the conversation? 😏

What a creep.

Although I agree, if he was snooping then that is wrong

You sound like you're in denial about it still, but everyone else reading this can see this is exactly what he was doing And yes, it is an intrusion of your privacy, so he got what he deserved didn't he

What rotten luck, that just at the time he happened to be on the app it was exactly when you said something about his family! I mean what are the chances! 🤷‍♀️

You spoke the truth. You have done nothing wrong. If we can't talk to friends about issues in our lives what's the bloody point if friends?.
He was spying. That's obvious.

Well the apple doesn’t far from the tree does it?

Whilst his dad enjoyed snooping on his neighbours your partner enjoys snooping on you and your friends in your own home.

His father had pictures of abused children on his computer. He still sees him. That would be enough of a deal breaker for me.

The fact he has been spying on you through a bloody puppy cam is just diabolical.

A great man doesn't snoop with a camera on his partner

@growinggreyer

taking pictures of people through their windows without permission.

We have a puppy cam to watch our puppy when we are out. Meanwhile, he was watching it from his phone

Can you see that these behaviours are the same and are both unacceptable. Your DP and his father are cut from the same cloth. You should be very concerned and thinking about where this need to intrude on others privacy comes from.

Absolutely! When will it become a spy cam for you, walking around the house in a towel or your kids running around in pjs? And who will he be sharing the images with?

His boundaries are very off op..
You need to have a hard think about this relationship.. If you had dc could you trust his dps wouldn't be seeing them?

OP. If you assume he was being honest about looking for previous footage then you have to ask why he kept on watching when he realised what was happening.

If it were you what would you have done? I'd have turned off the app! I might have been tempted to have a snoop, but I wouldn't have because it feels intrusive.

Why did he listen? He can't have listened for just a couple of seconds and been unlucky enough to hear you say that, that's unlikely. So he listened. Why?

And his making you feel responsible for his feelings is also nasty. His father is the root cause, not you. His mother is a contributing factor, not you.

Take a step back and have a long think about what is best for you... You as an individual. You don't have to carry his family issues if you don't want to. The choice is yours. So make the choice for yourself rather than allowing his behaviour to make that decision for you.

You sound very very young OP. Please please don't have children with this man if you are going to stay with him.

There is so much wrong with your first post as PPs have tried to point out you.

Sadly you can't see what we can all see.

Tread carefully OP. Good luck.

Ps he's probably reading this too.

It's not even like you said anything untrue or unfair.
Comes accross as very creepy and controlling tbh.

Why did your friends have a horrible evening?
Not really sure what the connection is tbh.

Thank you all for your words and guidance. I know this is wrong as there is no excusing it.

What is there to forgive. He's an arse.

@2bazookas

That is really insensitive and the reason why we have been struggling with our metal health. Sadly the whole family get ‘tarred with the same brush’ - which is wrong.

You've done nothing wrong
I would question the integrity of a man who chose to stay in touch with his dad after a conviction like this. Are you thinking of having children ever?

Any man who ever entertained the idea of ANY contact with his father after what he did would be eliminated from my life without hesitation. Any response other than cutting him entirely from his life is unacceptable. There are certain issues over which there is a line in the sand which you don’t cross and this is one of them. He was 100% spying on you and you’re in total denial trying not to accept that fact. The fact is, the apple has not fallen far from the tree. Of course he’s had a hard time over what he’s dad has done because it’s awful to have your parent shown publicly for being that sort of a person. He’s clearly not nearly cut enough about what he actually did, or he wouldn’t set foot near the man again but that’s not happening is it?

Wake up and run from this shit show of a family before you bring a poor innocent child into this dangerous set up

If you plan to have children one day, this is a very worrying situation - and will cause you all sorts of difficulties/upset with your DP. Tbh is I had a puppy cam, and I knew a group of people were discussing me, I would probably listen. But it’s the way he dealt with it afterwards.

That’ll teach him to snoop won’t it? I never understand these people who happily continue a relationship with a peadophile. I don’t think I could ever find out those details about their crimes and then carry on seeing them without being physically sick. You did nothing wrong, he just doesn’t like what he heard but that’s on him. You’re the one who has made the sensible choice not to see the peadophile any more, he made that choice that he will. And saying it’s because he wants to see his mum is bullshit. Unless they’re attached at the hip it’s perfectly possible to see one and not the other. Although quite why he wants to see someone who is willing to be in a relationship with a peadophile I have no idea.

Why does the dog camera need to record audio? Frankly I think it’s invasive for him to be able to access any private conversation you have at home whilst he’s out. Let’s be frank, he had probably been listening to the entirety of your evening - it’s non feasible to accept that he magically happened to open the app the moment you were speaking on this matter.

His behaviour does mirror his father’s unfortunately

Frankly if you don’t have any ties to this man I would seriously consider whether this relationship is worth it and just leave. If he sees no issue with visiting his dad now, he won’t see an issue bringing any possible children around his dad either. The spy cam mirrors the voyeuristic photos, can’t you see that? Why would you want to stay in this absolute shit show of a family?

So he was snooping, listening to your conversations with your friends. This was no accident OP. You need to wise up to that. Plus, you were just telling the truth. I would want the world to know that I refuse to have anything to do with a paedophile.
I could not stay with a man who continued to visit this disgusting man. How could he even have a nice normal conversation with such a despicable human being.
Your partner has been depressed etc about he situation but has still CHOSEN to continue a relationship with his father. Says a lot.

So was he watching you while he was at work? He said he wanted a video for his friend at work - did that friend then hear you? I think you'll find his story is full of holes.

If he doesn't want to be 'tarred with the same brush' he probably shouldn't mirror his fathers voyeuristic behaviour.

We have a puppy cam, I wouldn't dream of looking at the footage if I knew someone else was home. This has reminded me I can probably disconnect it now seeing as we're hardly ever out!