Don't think DM likes taking care of grandchildren

[Sourdo]

My DM lives 150 miles away (she moved away) but visits roughly every 3-5 weeks. Often, I have to work at weekends from home and get the DCs to different classes etc (just starting back up again).

However, if I ask her to watch the DCs whilst I work or take them to a class during her visit, she seems to become offended. I've asked her if she minds and she says she doesn't but I'll then get a comment when she's been drinking along the lines of me "using" her for childcare. This is quite laughable in a lot of ways as it's literally 1 hour here or there when she visits and my ILs do a lot of the childcare for us during the week in terms of school pick-ups and have never once complained.

She wants to visit her grandchildren but appears to resent any time alone with them despite saying she doesn't mind.

I like spending time with DM but can't get away from the busy nature of our weekends. We can't visit DM at her house either as she has moved in with a friend so there is nowhere for us to stay and there are no affordable hotels nearby either. I've explained to her that she will be alone with DCs for 2 hours this weekend as I have so much housework to do before we all return to school and work next week, but I feel so guilty for asking her and I can tell she feels "used." I will be spending time with her myself and cooking for her, but I can't dedicate my entire weekend to her visits. If I suggested she didn't see the DCs whilst I was busy, she'd be offended at that too so I'm not quite sure what she's expecting of me here?

OP, if these are things she says only when she has been drinking... perhaps it's a poor attempt at a joke and not entirely seriously meant?

If your mother were having such an uncomfortable time, I doubt she'd visit so often or for so long.

Is she perhaps implying your DH should help more with housework/meals/kids? Maybe she feels sorry for you and doesn't like to see you struggle.

What age are the children OP?

Firstly, the last minute arriving with 24 hours notice would not suit me and I dont think it suits you this weekend having just come back from holiday.

Secondly, i think she shouldn't come until it suits you.
Perhaps late Saturday afternoon when the activities have been completed.

She doesn't want to mind them.
I wouldn't ask her again.
Arrange for your husband to cover that.
Get your housework caught up and have her visit for a much shorter time.

Family life is very busy.
I remember Saturday's being mental trying to get them to coaching, matches, parties.

Extremely busy.

You sound as if you are juggling a lot.

Shorter visits that suit you better and don't ask her again.

The PA digs would put me off completely.

@LockdownLoving

OP, if these are things she says only when she has been drinking... perhaps it's a poor attempt at a joke and not entirely seriously meant?

If your mother were having such an uncomfortable time, I doubt she'd visit so often or for so long.

Is she perhaps implying your DH should help more with housework/meals/kids? Maybe she feels sorry for you and doesn't like to see you struggle.

Then maybe she should use her words like a grown up.

Read the thread.

It is not up to her daughter to enable this crap behaviour.

I think there is a bone of contention between what DM expects of DH and DH of her tbh. They each assume that the other one will either watch the kids/do the chores. DH has high expectations of her visits thinking she would be happy to put the DCs to bed, play with them for a few hours because it's what HIS parents would do.
So he thinks "great, MIL is here, I'll go out on my motorbike for the day."
DM thinks "great son-in-law will do the jobs so I get more time with DD and GCs, or that he will do the children's bedtimes so she can go out with me in the evening (which we do every few months and I love doing btw). They both have unspoken expectations of each other, which just puts more pressure on me.
I find it very frustrating that DH appears to think that DMs presence relieves him of responsibility because it leaves me no choice but to leave GCs with her whilst I work.

Wow I think thats a huge part of the problem then. If DH normally kinds kids while you work and her coming means he just goes off motorbiking so she is ised for childcare. I'd find that difficult. Thats different to pottering around doing some housework around your mum/the children.

Id be thinking the latter too, that she'd spend most of the day with all of you but its great DH could ensure you get some time with her.

If I have a friend over my husband will focus on the kids/bedtime etcso I get a chance to chat to my friend.

Sounds like husband is just bunking off for the day?

Sounds like a DH problem not a DM problem.

She doesn't want to babysit. Don't make her. Make it clear to DH that he has the kids, not your mum.

It's more your DH's responsibility to take care of his own children than it is your mother's. Not least of all because she has decades on him and will not have as much energy or physical constitution to deal with children, which we all know is an exhausting exercise even if they are just at home.

Perhaps you could explain to your mother that you love having her over and would greatly enjoy having more uninterrupted time to spend with her if she gave you just a little more notice, then you could make arrangements ahead of time with your DH or whatever other solution you can come up with...

I feel sorry for you being piggy in the middle, it is DH who needs a wake up call IME.

I'm sure you DM loves her time with the children, maybe she just wants more consultation about when she is needed, rather than your DH just dashing off when he sees her, as though she is some sort of paid nanny. More senior people tend to appreciate feeling respected. Dealing with DH might mean the issue resolves itself and your DM might even offer to have them on her own, because it would no longer be a matter of principle.

The poster who said their mother was trying to teach them how hard life is, and who relished watching them struggle because they had to struggle, after all. This dynamic.

Yes, agree your DH needs to look after the kids not your DM. That said, don't host her so often at weekends if it's making your life difficult...She's the one who chose to move 150 miles away so seeing her for coffee or an evening out became impossible (which it sounds like she'd prefer if she finds the GC stressful).

Your DH is a cheeky bugger.

He needs to look after his own children and do the housework! Why should his MIL do it all so he can go on a nice jolly?

I find it very frustrating that DH appears to think that DMs presence relieves him of responsibility because it leaves me no choice but to leave GCs with her whilst I work.

Uh-huh - as suspected, Absent Husband Syndrome.

Tell your DH that he can’t assume he’s got a free weekend if your mum comes. Presumably if your in-laws do a lot in the week with pick-ups etc he’s also not so terrifically overworked taking on parenting duties that he can’t spend time at the weekend with the DC or do the chores while you and your mum hang out.

Ah OP!
Hell of a drip!😁

Sort your husband out and things could ease with your mother.

She still should be giving you proper notice.

But if your husband views your mother's visit as an opt out for him...HE is a CF and your mother has every right to balk.

Tell your mother you need proper notice etc.

Tell your husband to cop on and he is still on duty whilst you work and while your mother visits.

I wouldn’t want my children with someone who seems to think being with them alone is a burden.

So both your mother and your DH seem to do as they please.
Where are you in all of this OP?

That's a weird drip feed given that on 29/08 at 11:12 you said she'd be offended if your DH took the children to the park because she expects them present during her visits