Don't think DM likes taking care of grandchildren

[Sourdo]

My DM lives 150 miles away (she moved away) but visits roughly every 3-5 weeks. Often, I have to work at weekends from home and get the DCs to different classes etc (just starting back up again).

However, if I ask her to watch the DCs whilst I work or take them to a class during her visit, she seems to become offended. I've asked her if she minds and she says she doesn't but I'll then get a comment when she's been drinking along the lines of me "using" her for childcare. This is quite laughable in a lot of ways as it's literally 1 hour here or there when she visits and my ILs do a lot of the childcare for us during the week in terms of school pick-ups and have never once complained.

She wants to visit her grandchildren but appears to resent any time alone with them despite saying she doesn't mind.

I like spending time with DM but can't get away from the busy nature of our weekends. We can't visit DM at her house either as she has moved in with a friend so there is nowhere for us to stay and there are no affordable hotels nearby either. I've explained to her that she will be alone with DCs for 2 hours this weekend as I have so much housework to do before we all return to school and work next week, but I feel so guilty for asking her and I can tell she feels "used." I will be spending time with her myself and cooking for her, but I can't dedicate my entire weekend to her visits. If I suggested she didn't see the DCs whilst I was busy, she'd be offended at that too so I'm not quite sure what she's expecting of me here?

So she's coming to visit you but you have to carry on as if she wasn't visiting you because you're so busy?

This ^.

I get you're busy and I understand how hard it is to juggle everything, but it does come across as though it's a massive inconvenience for her to visit you, and now you're annoyed she won't take over childcare duties because be honest, you're not asking her to spend time with her GC, you're asking her to mind them while you get on with chores. If I was her I'd be feeling shoe-horned into your life rather than feeling like a loving part of it and maybe that's part of her issue?

Surely the dc would come to resent granny's visits if they had to cancel their regular activity when she was there?

@Keysunshine as explained upthread, nobody. They would be in another room watching TV for a couple of hours or DH takes them to the park.
If DH took them to the park alone and she couldn't see them, she would be offended at this too. She wouldnt join DH at the park as she says she finds him hard work.

Also not easy to cancel things in preparation for DMs visit as she usually gives 1 days notice and will say "right I'll be coming to see you tomorrow!" Or she'll cancel at the last minute and come the following week. The visits are unpredictable and she can be very unreliable.
When we fell out about this unpredictability, she told me not to plan around her visits as she 'does not like to schedule.'

OK, so her preferred option is when she chooses to visit, you drop everything and spend time with her ensuring she sees the children but isn't alone with them or your DH?

I would have a frank conversation with her and say you have work to do, kids have these activities, so these are her options - either check in advance when you are free, wait in the house while you work and DH takes the kids to things, take the kids herself or go with DH. What does she prefer?

Wow she really wants it all doesn't she?
Not possible.
Maybe keep low contact for a bit as this sounds very emotionally draining.

I've explained to her that she will be alone with DCs for 2 hours this weekend as I have so much housework to do before we all return to school

I think this is a funny way to explain it and sounds a bit confrontational. You should just put the children in front of the TV as you would normally do and say to your mum something like is she ok to sit with a coffee for an hour or so on the Saturday morning while you catch up with chores. If she ends up drifting with her coffee to where the children are watching TV then all well and good.
But to phrase it as she will be alone with the children seems odd - she won't, you and your husband will be there. It sounds like you are trying to spark the reaction you know will come.

She sounds kind of annoying. Turning up with a day’s notice or cancelling then coming another weekend is not brilliant, is it? Nor is this “dp is difficult”.

Who cares if she huffs and puffs? Sounds like everyone has to dance attendance. Sounds a bit like tacit narcissism to me but could be me projecting......

Obviously I don't know her reasons but my parents were very like this and it's because they genuinely liked to see me struggle and learn how hard life was. I think they never had it easy - both had very tough upbringings, in poverty and I think a part of them were angry and resentful that I didn't, perhaps they thought I didn't know how good I had it. It wasn't particularly good as both were abusive but because we always had enough food and lived in nice homes I think they really thought I had the life of Riley and if they could withhold help to toughen me up then they would. Could it be that she never had help so resents helping you? Mine said, unprompted from almost as soon as I announced my pregnancies that they "wouldn't be used for child care" and then got the hump when I didn't ask them.

@YgritteSnow I think that sounds quite what a little could be happening.
Amd the OP is made to feel guilty because she's not jumping to her mothers requests.
Why are her requests ( not sticking to a schedule etc) more important than her daughters?

I think it's really weird that she doesn't just muck in.
I'd have thought most grandmothers in this situation would help out, both with the housework and cooking and with the taking children to classes and entertaining them.
Maybe someone who wasn't a working parent wouldn't understand that weekends are not just time out, that you still have to fit in all the things you don't have time for in the week. I can't imagine how you would just not do any housework for a whole weekend every month, or how an able bodied grandparent would not just pitch in.

OP, could your DH do the chores on weekends your mum visits while you take the kids to the park?

Okay, her turning up whenever she wants at little notice must be hugely annoying. That puts a new slant on things.

I think it's a bit weird that you can't do your housework and keep an eye on the children and chat to her?

I don't see why your life should have to stop to attend her when she visits, as she's family - but she surely doesn't need to be in charge of the dc while you do housework?!

If she wants to visit she mucks in - if she wants to be an honoured guest who doesn't muck in she can't visit as often, she'll have to be happy with 3 or 4 weekends per year when you and the kids can entertain her and not plan anything else.

She absolutely is not obligated to do any child care, but the flip side of that is that you're not obligated to cancel your children's activities and take holiday from work in order to clear every third weekend to devote to the kind of honoured guest visiting experience she's after.

@category12

I think it's a bit weird that you can't do your housework and keep an eye on the children and chat to her?

I don't see why your life should have to stop to attend her when she visits, as she's family - but she surely doesn't need to be in charge of the dc while you do housework?!

Surely it is much more weird to have your mum watch you clean the bathroom while the kids watch TV in another room?

My mum would definitely take the kids out or spend time with them, not expect me to clean and entertain her That would be really odd behaviour!

This is more than house work though. This seems to be a control thing by the mother that what she wants , she gets.
Boundaries OP. She can't have it all her own way.

@Sourdo

Also not easy to cancel things in preparation for DMs visit as she usually gives 1 days notice and will say "right I'll be coming to see you tomorrow!" Or she'll cancel at the last minute and come the following week. The visits are unpredictable and she can be very unreliable. When we fell out about this unpredictability, she told me not to plan around her visits as she 'does not like to schedule.'

But that's fine, explain to her that you have things to do so you won't have so much time and do them.

She hasn't said anything except that you're using her for childcare, which you are. If you aren't comfortable with her saying that, just do whatever you would usually have done if she weren't there. Why the angst? Is there more going on?

@Aerial2020

This is more than house work though. This seems to be a control thing by the mother that what she wants , she gets. Boundaries OP. She can't have it all her own way.

Blimey where did you get that from?

@Everysinglebloodytime OP has said though if they carry on as usual and DH takes the kids out, she is offended as wants to see the children.
But won’t go with them as doesn’t like the DH.
And resents spending time with the kids alone as then it’s “childcare”.

That's the thing though, the OP sees it as support (quite rightly so) and the mother sees it as being used.
That is not a healthy dynamic and to keep pushing against that is emotionally exhausting. The extra guilt, the expectation
to jump to her visits as she doesn't like schedules.
It's doesn't sound very nice for the OP and I'm sure she has a lifetime of examples of this.
When do you stop and say I have enough as a working parent to do, I don't need this extra emotional crap.
If you feel you are being used to care for your grandchildren once in a while then don't come. Simple.

I suspect your mum has come to see you first, your children second. So when you go out she feels resentful.

She sounds resentful full stop.
Is there some jealousy there

Im aghast at all the posters who, for 10 days a year, wouldn't stop for a minute for thei own mother. You will all be old one day. When you are expected to babysit while your kid cleans then Im sure you will be nothing more than thrilled to be sat in a room because cleaning is more important.
If it was weekly then it would be a different matter.

She 'seems' offended and 'appears' to resent it, but verbally she's saying she wants to see them, why not take it at face value? Also, as others have said, she probably wants to see her daughter!

Using someone for childcare isn't a negative thing, it's just an expression, it doesn't mean use in the 'take advantage of' way.

Again, if you don't want her using that expression, don't ask her to watch the kids. If she doesn't like the dynamics the way that you want to manage them she will stop coming or she will change her ways. No need for drama or over thinking things unless there's a big back story