Don't think DM likes taking care of grandchildren

[Sourdo]

My DM lives 150 miles away (she moved away) but visits roughly every 3-5 weeks. Often, I have to work at weekends from home and get the DCs to different classes etc (just starting back up again).

However, if I ask her to watch the DCs whilst I work or take them to a class during her visit, she seems to become offended. I've asked her if she minds and she says she doesn't but I'll then get a comment when she's been drinking along the lines of me "using" her for childcare. This is quite laughable in a lot of ways as it's literally 1 hour here or there when she visits and my ILs do a lot of the childcare for us during the week in terms of school pick-ups and have never once complained.

She wants to visit her grandchildren but appears to resent any time alone with them despite saying she doesn't mind.

I like spending time with DM but can't get away from the busy nature of our weekends. We can't visit DM at her house either as she has moved in with a friend so there is nowhere for us to stay and there are no affordable hotels nearby either. I've explained to her that she will be alone with DCs for 2 hours this weekend as I have so much housework to do before we all return to school and work next week, but I feel so guilty for asking her and I can tell she feels "used." I will be spending time with her myself and cooking for her, but I can't dedicate my entire weekend to her visits. If I suggested she didn't see the DCs whilst I was busy, she'd be offended at that too so I'm not quite sure what she's expecting of me here?

@Teenageromance

I’m interested if many of you would be this hard on the dad (Grandad) coming to visit. I think there is a danger in stereotyping the grandmother as having to be doing a Household job too be worthy of the visit. Treat you mother like you would any other good friend who came to visit. You would still have chores to do but wouldn’t expect them to be left alone with your children and care for them.

Grandad or a friend it would be the same - if you have to work for a couple of hours then they either entertain themselves while the DH takes the children out, or they spend time with the children.

This is really interesting reading.

My initial reaction was that we'd make time for guests or just potter around them. And cant imagine asking someone we only saw once a month to take our kids out.

However we have an "interesting" relationship with my parents and maybe my perspective is more squewed than I thought. I am so envious of those with supportive caring families.

I'm a sahp and I still wouldn't be able to drop everything and entertain someone who'd invited themselves to stay every 3-5 weeks. If you have small kids or a big family, then you have to keep on top the laundry, cooking and washing up, keeping the bathroom decent. Agree with pp who say that if she doesn't want to fit in, then she ought to stay in a hotel and visit for an hour or two!
Seems to me she wants everything her own way.

Wouldn't you just tidy up around the kids/mum rather than say she has ti take them out though?

We have friends to stay and life goes on but I'd expect my partner or myself to take the kids to an activity and maybe chat to the person while you cook etc.

It seems to me odd to say you must entertain them while I do my housework or you must take them to their activity.

But Im aware my perspective may be muddled.

@PineappleUpsideDownCake but she is offended if the DH takes the kids out and she doesn't see them...

I’m interested if many of you would be this hard on the dad (Grandad) coming to visit.

Can't comment on whether the expectations would be different because we're incredibly lucky with DF/FIL. DF (who DM constantly criticises as lazy ) will play with toys, read books, give cuddles and watch cartoons. He's also good at small DIY jobs so will often help with those around the house. He doesn't help as much as DM (he won't do sole care for example and we've never expected him to) but he's an involved grandparent. FIL is just brilliant. He does just as much if not more than MIL (who is also fantastic). He'll push DS on his bike for ages, play football, push him on the swing, supervise him in the garden and take him to the park. I guess you get out what you put in because DS completely idolises his GPs.

We don't expect this from them. But the truth in families with small children is that life does tend to revolve around their needs. This doesn't change simply because there are visitors. So if family are staying for more than a few hours, children are going to need to be entertained and fed and chores done and it's much nicer if everyone mucks in and is a part of it. If they're not, this wouldn't make me cross or upset at all but I certainly wouldn't encourage them to visit so often.

She’s very demanding!! No notice but wants you to drop everything (nobody normal regularly drops their kids commitments or their own actual job). People who want that kind of relationship turn up for dinner not the weekend. I’d probably blow up a little- whcih is it Mum? They usually happily play in that room, you do not have to play with them but I cannot quit my job and I don’t want you to choose to spend time with my children then sulk about it! I’m sure that visit will go badly but she will know you’re onto this behaviour and she can’t just make it impossible for you to do right.

@Sourdo

It's not just chores. I have to do work as in work for my job at the weekends which I do from home. It usually takes around 2 hours. Any housework is on top of that

It just sounds like an unhealthy dynamic all round.

On weekends your mum visits, can’t your DH do the housework and you take the DC to the park? If she wants to visit on a weekend you have 2 hours of paid week to do, once youve bern to the park/taken the D.C. to activities then put the DC in front of the TV, make your mum a cuppa and say you’ll be done at 4pm, why don’t you put your feet up, Mum.

She shouldn’t expect to come at short notice and danced attendance on, but you shouldn’t frame it (even if just in your mind) as a snub that she doesn’t want sole charge of the children.

Be assertive about reasonable boundaries, don’t feel guilty for taking care of your paid work, but equally don’t be doing chores in preference to spending time with your mum (your DH can do them once a month minimum!) and don’t compare her to your ILs.

It all sounds a bit Absent Husband - as if you’re the one doing everything and he’s not there. When your mum visit he can take the children to activities and you spend time with her. Or you can take them to activities and bring your mum with you for a coffee or lunch after. If you dedicate a bit of time to her, then you can easily demand a bit of time to yourself to work a few hours without guilt.

I've explained to her that she will be alone with DCs for 2 hours this weekend as I have so much housework to do before we all return to school and work next week, but I feel so guilty for asking her and I can tell she feels "used."

You know and she knows you're using her. You work every weekend? How do you cope then?

@TheCanyon

I've explained to her that she will be alone with DCs for 2 hours this weekend as I have so much housework to do before we all return to school and work next week, but I feel so guilty for asking her and I can tell she feels "used."

You know and she knows you're using her. You work every weekend? How do you cope then?

You know you can just read the OP's posts on a thread?

My parents live around the corner from me and could not give a shit about their Grandkids, only make suitable noises/boasting when their friends are about. It's disgusting but I guess we can't change our family !

@Aerial2020

If a 'good friend 'was behaving like the OPs mother, she would certainly not be a good friend and it would not be tolerated. Why should it be because it is family.

Totally agree If this was a friendship it wouldn't be one.

Most mothers would love to help.
Has it always been very much about her?

As much as I think I wouldhandle this differently. I am findinf this thread really helpful in seeing just how inadequate my parents are. (Live down the road, little to no interest in the children .) I think the fact I'd love a parent to want to visit is colouring my view! But also the fact Ive not recognised exactly how shit they are!

@PineappleUpsideDownCake. So sorry to hear how you're feeling . But you're not obliged to bend over backwards to facilitate relationships or gratefully accept whatever crumbs are thrown to you. Relationships are a two-way street... They can be as close or as distant as you like but they need to be based on respect and reciprocity. Don't put yourself (or more importantly, your DC) out for people who don't really care about you or prioritize you. We're lucky with our families and there's not much I wouldn't do for my parents/in laws, but I've taken a step back from several friends lately because it always seems to be me doing the running. I just enjoy the extra time with DS and DH doing exactly what we want to do.

@PineappleUpsideDownCake it's hard having rubbish parents. My father is an alcoholic who just brings me problems. He's never done a thing for me. It makes it difficult to imagine how doting parents can be. 💐

Where is your DH in all this? Can he take over when your mum comes to visit for the day? He can do the laundry, chores, etc.

Your 2 hours of work. Is it possible to do it before she gets there or after she leaves?

Sourdo its my mum who is the alcoholic. My dad just isnt interested in children and bery self obsorbed. Its so strange, but lovely, to see loving families!

I imagine she doesn't want to drive 150 miles to do childcare while you do housework - I mean, who can blame her?

Why can't your DH do the housework, and you do your work either before she gets there, or when she goes home?

I think youre rude I have 3 dc, I work cook clean and I don't leave my dc for my mother to look after whilst I clean, its pretty bad manners where I'm from. Its not as if she visits that often you can do all that when she's not there, wheres youre dh is he incapable to help look after them.

@AllsortsofAwkward

I think youre rude I have 3 dc, I work cook clean and I don't leave my dc for my mother to look after whilst I clean, its pretty bad manners where I'm from. Its not as if she visits that often you can do all that when she's not there, wheres youre dh is he incapable to help look after them.

It would be easier to do the housework in advance if her mum have her some notice of when she'd be arriving. If you'd read the thread, you'd see that she doesn't, so by your reckoning the op cannot work weekends (for her paid job) or leave any housework until then so she can dance attendance on her mum if she decides to visit.

[quote Sourdo]@PineappleUpsideDownCake it's hard having rubbish parents. My father is an alcoholic who just brings me problems. He's never done a thing for me. It makes it difficult to imagine how doting parents can be. 💐[/quote]
Yep it is hard having rubbish parents OP that only people with rubbish parents can understand.
But remember you are an adult now who doesn't have to put up with it.
The we took you to Stately Homes thread is worth a read.

I imagine she doesn't want to drive 150 miles to do childcare while you do housework

Well, it was the OP's mother's choice to move away and no one's holding a gun to her head to make her visit once a month. I mean, the OP's life is basically work, childcare and housework (not dissing it, OP, it's the same for us here !). If her mother doesn't want to be around someone doing those things, then she really ought to pick someone to visit who doesn't have young children. What's the OP meant to do? Lock the children in the garage for the weekend and cook a five course meal while simultaneously entertaining her DM?

I work cook clean and I don't leave my dc for my mother to look after whilst I clean

So if your mother is staying, do you hire a babysitter to look after your kids while you cook dinner so your mother doesn't have to be in a room with them by herself? Because if you don't and you leave her alone with the children at all, you're "using" her for childcare according to the OP's mum.

What's with people not reading the thread, ignoring the fact that the OP's mother revised to let the OP know which weekends she will grace her with her presence and expectation of full undivided attention, children not allowed to do anything else but also never to be in a room containing grandmother unless OP is in the room too supervising?

Are people demanding the op bend over backwards to get her paid work, which she usually does at least 4 hours of at the weekend, and the rest of her chores and her children's activities out of the way by Friday afternoon every week, just in case her mother requires the weekend to be devoted to hosting her?