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Original poster

Don't think DM likes taking care of grandchildren

115 replies

Sourdo · 29/08/2020 10:31

My DM lives 150 miles away (she moved away) but visits roughly every 3-5 weeks. Often, I have to work at weekends from home and get the DCs to different classes etc (just starting back up again).

However, if I ask her to watch the DCs whilst I work or take them to a class during her visit, she seems to become offended. I've asked her if she minds and she says she doesn't but I'll then get a comment when she's been drinking along the lines of me "using" her for childcare. This is quite laughable in a lot of ways as it's literally 1 hour here or there when she visits and my ILs do a lot of the childcare for us during the week in terms of school pick-ups and have never once complained.

She wants to visit her grandchildren but appears to resent any time alone with them despite saying she doesn't mind.

I like spending time with DM but can't get away from the busy nature of our weekends. We can't visit DM at her house either as she has moved in with a friend so there is nowhere for us to stay and there are no affordable hotels nearby either. I've explained to her that she will be alone with DCs for 2 hours this weekend as I have so much housework to do before we all return to school and work next week, but I feel so guilty for asking her and I can tell she feels "used." I will be spending time with her myself and cooking for her, but I can't dedicate my entire weekend to her visits. If I suggested she didn't see the DCs whilst I was busy, she'd be offended at that too so I'm not quite sure what she's expecting of me here?

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 29/08/2020 12:40

You shouldn't be asking her to look after grandkids anyway at the moment but I think moving away was a big hint. She just wants to be Grandma, not childcare.

Livandme · 29/08/2020 12:42

Sounds similar to my ex mil.
Wanted to come to see h, the dc were used as an excuse but she didn't want to engage with them more than taking a few photos of them.
They used to sit around chatting whilst I carried on with jobs and eventually when dc got older, they spent the majority of the time in their rooms.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 12:46

Oh yes, the 'you'll be old one day' as an excuse for older parents to behave how they like.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 29/08/2020 12:55

Advicewouldbeappreciated what a load of rubbish - it's a weekend every 3 weeks, so more like 34 days per year (over a solid month) than ten days, that the OP's mother wants her to cancel everything at short notice for - not just her own plans but anything her children are meant to be doing - in order for not only the OP but also the children to all be fully available and present for her mother without ever leaving her alone with the children for so much as an hour, nor taking the children out of her presence. If that isn't unreasonably demanding in your book then perhaps you're also unreasonably demanding, or an utter doormat in thrall to someone who is.

Snog · 29/08/2020 12:56

Maybe when you need childcare for an hour or two ask if she would prefer some time to herself while DH minds the kids or if she would prefer to mind them herself.

GoldenOmber · 29/08/2020 12:56

It seems like the issue is that she wants several different things, which aren’t that unreasonable all by themselves but put you in an impossible position when combined.

Wants to spend all the time she’s there with the children OR doesn’t want to be solely responsible for the children OR doesn’t want to go to the park with your DH and the children (??is he really that difficult?) OR doesn’t want to give you notice of when she’s turning up, all manageable.

Wants to spend all the time she’s there with the children and also doesn’t want to be solely responsible for them and also doesn’t want to go out to the park with them and their dad and also doesn’t want to give you any reasonable notice of when she’s coming, that’s just not giving you any way to accommodate her.

Maybe she has unreasonable expectations based on not understanding that your weekends can’t be constant downtime. Or maybe her expectations are ‘daughter will keep trying to meet my expectations to prove she cares’, or whatever.

Either way - if you can’t win, stop trying to.

Minimumstandard · 29/08/2020 12:57

She sounds very difficult... Surprised at pp saying you're "using" her for childcare as it sounds like things would be a lot easier if she wasn't there. Also, housework doesn't stop because someone comes to stay... You still need to hoover, cook, do the dishwasher etc.

My DM slots neatly into our lives when she comes. I never ask but she helps with chores, takes DS to the park and generally gets involved. If she didn't, I'd go visit her by myself or take her out for lunch but wouldn't be up for an extended visit... It would be too much like hard work if she expected to be "entertained" the whole time. I don't always see eye to eye with MIL but she too always offers to help (as I do when we're staying with her) and takes possession of DS as soon as she enters the house for the entire visit .

ExhaustedFlamingo · 29/08/2020 13:03

I think it’s entirely reasonable that you take your children to their activities or do essential work. They are both things that are important and shouldn’t be sidelined. She doesn’t want to plan so she’ll just have to suck it up.

Doing the housework though for a couple of hours while she’s there? Oof, I’d say that’s a bit much. Fair enough, bung a couple of loads of washing on - that takes 5 minutes. But doing chores for two hours seems OTT and unnecessary. She only comes over once a month.

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 29/08/2020 13:23

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Wow. A whole load of assumptions going on there. Quite invested.

Florencex · 29/08/2020 13:47

If I have family visiting, I would arrange it with them for when I am not working at the weekend and I do my housework before they arrive, not whilst they are here. I would expect to be with my family guests not send them on chores or have them watch me do my chores or work.

If she is making comments about being used for childcare then I imagine it is because that is how she feels and I can see where she is coming from. I expect she wants to spend time with all of you.

GoldenOmber · 29/08/2020 14:46

I would do this too, but it sounds like the OP can't because her mum doesn't like giving notice for her visits and has fallen out with OP over that exact thing before.

Original poster

Sourdo · 29/08/2020 15:00

It's not just chores.
I have to do work as in work for my job at the weekends which I do from home. It usually takes around 2 hours. Any housework is on top of that

OP posts:

Minimumstandard · 29/08/2020 15:19

OP, YANBU. She can't expect you to drop everything just like that and entertain her. She can either fit in with your lives or she needs to give you much more warning of when she is visiting.

RandomMess · 29/08/2020 15:24

Hmmm it sounds like your DM wants to turn up as and when it works for her and then have "visitor status" where you wait on her and the DC are on best behaviour so she can take photos and "play at being doting Granny"

It hurts that your DM doesn't consider you family enough to "muck in" and just be part of the family and enjoy your time together.

Mittens030869 · 29/08/2020 15:32

She sounds very difficult... Surprised at pp saying you're "using" her for childcare as it sounds like things would be a lot easier if she wasn't there.

^This in spades. The OP's DM sounds like very hard work. Especially the lack of notice, I would find that very hard to cope with.

Mookie81 · 29/08/2020 17:39

@Comtesse

She sounds kind of annoying. Turning up with a day’s notice or cancelling then coming another weekend is not brilliant, is it? Nor is this “dp is difficult”.

Who cares if she huffs and puffs? Sounds like everyone has to dance attendance. Sounds a bit like tacit narcissism to me but could be me projecting......

Fuck me, everything is narcissism nowadays! She wants to spend time with you and the kids, not look after them. Once every 5 weeks isn't much to ask. If you're that busy that you can't fit your lonely mum in then you need to look inwards and make some changes.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 18:13

Wow huge guilt trip there @Mookie81

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 18:15

Poor lonely mum indeed
Guess that's a line she prob uses too to get her own way too.
Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries

piscean10 · 29/08/2020 18:19

yanbu. your life still goes on regardless and if she wants to visit during those times then she has to fit in.
If you are cleaning while shes there so what? shes still getting to spend time with them. Does she want all of you to surround and dote on her.
She sounds selfish actually if she cant watch them for an hour or so.

Minimumstandard · 29/08/2020 18:24

She wants to spend time with you and the kids, not look after them

What are you meant to do when you have to work ? Get a babysitter to sit with her and the children? It's absolutely fine for GPs to want this kind of relationship with their grandchildren (though I'm bloody glad my DM/DF and MIL/FIL are all more hands on...). But then they shouldn't park themselves in your house for entire weekends expecting to be waited on but should just visit for an hour or two and then leave. Ultimately, formal 'visits' can't extend for whole days at a time in a family home, that's just ridiculous! Although I'd never expect our relatives to do chores or care for DS, they have to (and do) expect a certain amount of chaos and being left to their own devices if they visit for days at a time. If they're not willing to put up with that, I'd suggest to them that they stay in a hotel.

Mittens030869 · 29/08/2020 18:36

Once every 5 weeks isn't much to ask.
If you're that busy that you can't fit your lonely mum in then you need to look inwards and make some changes.

Come off it! Or are you in fact the 'lonely mum'?

Teenageromance · 29/08/2020 21:12

I’m interested if many of you would be this hard on the dad (Grandad) coming to visit. I think there is a danger in stereotyping the grandmother as having to be doing a Household job too be worthy of the visit. Treat you mother like you would any other good friend who came to visit. You would still have chores to do but wouldn’t expect them to be left alone with your children and care for them.

Teenageromance · 29/08/2020 21:14

My parents and in laws always helped out but I never took it for granted and we spent loads of time all together chilling. Rarely left them in sole charge and only when they offered so we could get a night out.
I would also ask where is your Dh while you are working and your mum is looking after kids?

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 21:15

If a 'good friend 'was behaving like the OPs mother, she would certainly not be a good friend and it would not be tolerated.
Why should it be because it is family.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 29/08/2020 22:16

I don't leave my mother in sole charge. That's because I don't trust her to make endless weight and food related comments and judgements.

My late mil on the other hand wouldn't have parked herself in our house without mucking in.

If someone wants honoured guest status in a house with small children they visit for a couple of hours or twice a year.

If they want to visit with a day's notice every few weeksand stay for two or three days and nights they muck in or rethink.

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