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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP said a very strange thing tonight ?!

712 replies

Underpressure13 · 28/08/2020 20:55

DP has called by tonight to hang out for the evening with me and the kids .
When he came through the door the first thing he said was ‘ok so where are these sausage rolls to reheat ?’
Earlier today my mum who was caring for the kids whilst I worked, cooked some sausage rolls and left the remaining ones we didn’t eat in oven for me to reheat for DP and kids tonight.
There’s no way he’d have known of this as both myself , nor my mum have mentioned this to him today and he knew they were in there without being told or even looking . They hadn’t recently been cooked and place didn’t smell of them.
When I questioned him on how he knew, he just said ‘ oh, instinct I guess’ no further explanation Shock
Is it strange he said that? I can’t quite work this out !!

OP posts:
Manolin · 29/08/2020 06:51

I'd suspect buggering.

SnakesOrLadders · 29/08/2020 06:54

I'd suspect buggering
Really what? The sausage rolls

Diverseopinions · 29/08/2020 07:00

Camping as a family will make it harder to do those creepy device-setting manoeuvres, and you'll be together a lot. Having to do his checking in a difficult fabric-covered environment without furniture and the customary hiding spots might make it easier for you to observe any oddities in his behaviour.

Maybe get one of those portable phone chargers to use, and say you don't want to share it, as you need it, and keep it near you to make him feel suspicious, then watch how he reacts.

Palavah · 29/08/2020 07:31

I genuinely have been really working on my trust issues with him - and I absolutely want to believe this is somehow innocent. I’ve had enough drama in this 2.5 yr relationship

What do you mean by this - has it happened before?

Bluetrews25 · 29/08/2020 07:42

Ohhhh this does not sound good.
Too similar to Geoff and Yasmeen in Corrie, and look what happened there!

00Sassy · 29/08/2020 07:43

It appears he’s listening in on you and gaslighting you.
The fact he’s done it so obviously shows he’s enjoying it.
Don’t expect a straight answer from him about this.
Check your phone isn’t somehow bugged.
Break the Bluetooth speaker beyond repair and refuse to replace it.
Then ditch this weirdo.

00Sassy · 29/08/2020 07:45

In fact, get a new phone.

CarrieFour · 29/08/2020 07:46

Get rid of the speaker and get a new phone!

And the partner too!!

hexmeginny · 29/08/2020 07:58

I'd suspect buggering.

Oh my. Brilliant.

InFiveMins · 29/08/2020 07:59

It's obvious he's spying on you, and he's being passive about it on purpose to get you wound up and to make you anxious.

Get rid of the speaker, your phone and him.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 29/08/2020 08:10

If I were you, I’d contact the police (Non-emergent number) or IDVAS to find out what you can legally do. He’s obviously spying on you but deleting the spyware doesn’t get rid of the problem. What’s he’s doing is illegal so you should go through the right channels. You might need their protection when you decide to end the relationship.

Eckhart · 29/08/2020 08:19

I absolutely want to believe this is somehow innocent. I’ve had enough drama in this 2.5 yr relationship

This is why you will stay with him. What you should be absolutely wanting to believe is the truth, rather than the fairytale.

Does it not strike you that, if a question about sausage rolls trigger such suspicion in you, you have no basis of trust whatsoever for the very foundation of a relationship? The relationship is over, either because he's spying on you, or because you don't trust him not to be spying on you, even though he's innocent.

If you've had enough drama, leave. Your only other routes forward are to let this drop without an answer (more internal drama for you) or to talk to him and try to get a proper answer (more drama again)

Currently you are choosing drama, then griping about it. Which is also drama.

FunorFitness · 29/08/2020 08:24

Op I just had a quick look at your other thread, do you think the reason he didn't want you looking at his phone is more likely to be that he has a spying app on it and didn't want you to see.

fridacakehole · 29/08/2020 08:28

Did you butt dial him?

My husband butt dialled me when he was out with DD. When they got home I spent a good 5 minutes freaking them out with casual references to their conversation that I couldn't possibly have known about! They thought I was psychic!

I did come clean though and DH is a serial butt-dialler so is used to some ribbing about it!

Maybe it's not as serious as gaslighting/spying?

Bin85 · 29/08/2020 08:36

Does he look in your bins ?Sausage wrappers etc

iMatter · 29/08/2020 08:38

He "works in computers" so he must be pretty tech savvy

The photo of the back of your phone is weird/creepy

Agree with pp - get rid of the speaker, change your phone (and bin him obvs)

AngusThermopyle · 29/08/2020 08:44

Just so you know, you can get bluetooth speakers with wifi cameras in so check the brand and model if it has one to see if it might have a camera.
Although, don't make it obvious you're looking for that on the device as it might film you doing so if it does have a camera.

xoxogossipgirl2020 · 29/08/2020 08:46

If he is tech savvy, why would he ever require taking a photo of the back of your phone? For example, people with iPhones, tend to know (roughly) at a glance if it’s an iPhone 6/7/8.

Do you have a strange an unusual phone?

He’s spying. He slipped up. That’s why he was quiet. What a creep.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 29/08/2020 08:50

For him to use that wording, he most definitely must have heard you say about reheating them for him - did you say those exact words at some point during the day? Or text them to someone?

Otherwise you would say something like 'oh can I smell sausage rolls' or when asked to explain 'I bumped into your mum in the shop and she told me' etc

If it was me I would wait a week or so then test him. Call a friend in the day and say I'd won 10k on a scratch card and I couldn't wait to tell partner tonight. Then see what kind of mood he comes home in (excited/expectant I imagine) and if he's dropping any hints on what holiday he would love for you both to go on if only you had the money etc... I'd pretend to get something out of the car, take my phone/the Bluetooth speaker and go and stay in a hotel. Find someone techy to check them or visit the local police and most definitely never see that man again unless it's in court.

NameChange84 · 29/08/2020 08:53

Someone, who I wasn’t dating or anything, installed spyware on my phone. He was a friend of a friend who worked in IT (in schools frighteningly enough). She was self employed and not tech savvy and used to hold events and he used to “kindly offer” to make the flyers which she’d email to her contacts, so he had my iCloud account name via the emails.

He developed a “thing” for me, got creepy and weird always texting, emailing, phoning etc and then I noticed he “knew” stuff. Usually stuff I’d googled. Very specific things that he’d slip up and comment about. My iphone was playing up terribly, running slow, switching itself off then back on again and it was only 2 years old. I’d started to have concerns about him knowing certain things about me, then found out about Spyware and learned how to get rid of it, which I did. Sure enough, he started frantically ringing me, then a couple of days later, new email from my friend arrives with a new “flyer” that he’d created attached. I open it. My phone starts playing up again. He was hiding the spyware in the flyer attachments. I never open them now!

It taught me a lot about how easy it is to spy on someone. Tiny trackers like magnets on cars, tiny cameras pretty much anywhere in the house. This is too specific for him to just come up with out of thin air. He’s spying on you somehow for sure.

Scarydinosaurs · 29/08/2020 08:55

I don’t get why you accepted the instinct answer?

Are you worried about his reaction if you pushed for the real explanation?

It’s quite obvious he’s listening in on you when you’re at home, and let slip. The fact that he thought he could fob you off with that says a lot about how he views you and your intelligence.

The fact is- he shouldn’t be uploading stuff at all to your computer (previous thread) and he is too quick to dismiss your valid questions

goatsgalore · 29/08/2020 09:00

Camera or listening device I. The Bluetooth speaker?

carlywurky · 29/08/2020 09:01

This all makes me shudder. The truth is obvious, it's what you do about it now. Hideous invasion of your privacy. Sad

MTNT · 29/08/2020 09:03

He clearly came round expecting to banger

ThinkWittyThoughts · 29/08/2020 09:08

@Scarydinosaurs

I don’t get why you accepted the instinct answer?

Are you worried about his reaction if you pushed for the real explanation?

It’s quite obvious he’s listening in on you when you’re at home, and let slip. The fact that he thought he could fob you off with that says a lot about how he views you and your intelligence.

The fact is- he shouldn’t be uploading stuff at all to your computer (previous thread) and he is too quick to dismiss your valid questions

She hasn't accepted it, has she? Else there'd be no thread on MN.

OP - you don't trust him. I get why you didn't challenge there and then (kids in room, lack of physical evidence) but I think it's time you took yourself (phone switched off) to a little independent tech shop near you and asked for help. They may be able to check your phone there and then. It may be possible to have your house checked for bugs & cameras. Change the locks on doors (even if you think he doesn't have a key).

Do that first to make sure you are safe. Then end it. Make sure you do all the "no more contact" in writing, in the unlikely event you need to involve police.

Don't arrange any of the above using your phone, tech or even from your own home. Go to your Mum's and use her landline.

Best of luck x