Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP said a very strange thing tonight ?!

712 replies

Underpressure13 · 28/08/2020 20:55

DP has called by tonight to hang out for the evening with me and the kids .
When he came through the door the first thing he said was ‘ok so where are these sausage rolls to reheat ?’
Earlier today my mum who was caring for the kids whilst I worked, cooked some sausage rolls and left the remaining ones we didn’t eat in oven for me to reheat for DP and kids tonight.
There’s no way he’d have known of this as both myself , nor my mum have mentioned this to him today and he knew they were in there without being told or even looking . They hadn’t recently been cooked and place didn’t smell of them.
When I questioned him on how he knew, he just said ‘ oh, instinct I guess’ no further explanation Shock
Is it strange he said that? I can’t quite work this out !!

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 03/09/2020 23:43

This still???

Original poster
Underpressure13 · 03/09/2020 23:57

Well so far the speaker seems legit, I’ve now had the laptop checked out and there was nothing untoward going on there (no malware / spyware) , just the browsers linked to his email and the fact he’s oddly the administrator - which they thought odd too. My phone , although settings seem all over the place , isn’t showing up anything particularly worrying so far . I requested a google download of all my data / activity so will look at that , but as I’ve had privacy settings on high , the size of file downloaded is small , so don’t expect to find anything there . It could still be above board .
Then that just leaves the telepathy about the food - and the gaping black hole where trust should be Confused

OP posts:
xoxogossipgirl2020 · 04/09/2020 07:23

Yet, you’re still bothering.....this is pointless

peachypetite · 04/09/2020 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MumOfAToddler26 · 04/09/2020 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bumblingbovine49 · 04/09/2020 07:32

I'd think this.was just a lucky guess if it were DH,.it wouldn't worry me in the least If it were worrying me, it would probably be because I already had some instinctive doubts or worries about him.

Has given you any other reason to think this may be more than a lucky guess? Would you be really surprised if you found out he had been spying on some way ? The answers to this may help you put the reply in context . Without knowing your dp and your partner, or without more info about him , it is difficult to say what this means.

Suzi888 · 04/09/2020 07:33

So it appears he’s innocent of spying on you.

Have you told him what you suspected him of, if I was him I’d be out of there. What if he smells doughnuts next time... Confused

Nevercastaclout · 04/09/2020 07:38

Or a camera or listening device somewhere op, separate from your devices.

Incrediblytired · 04/09/2020 07:48

Hi, I have read all your posts And the first few pages but not the full thread.

There are companies Attached to domestic abuse services who can specifically check your technology for spyware. I only know of one (through work) which is based in Brighton and called veritas. You can google them but if you are worried about your tech being bugged this might be tricky.

If you live nowhere near, then try contacting your local domestic abuse charity and asking for advice. Hopefully they can help you access support to check your tech.

I don’t know if anyone has labelled this for you yet, you’ve referenced the freedom programme and your previous relationship but you are concerned you are being Stalked. You can be stalked by someone you are in a relationship with.

This is criminal and if it turns out to be the case, then you need to end the relationship and report to the police, the police can put a stalking protection order on your partner banning him from coming near you.

This might not feel comfortable but you need to protect your children as well as you so do it for them.

This seems to be what you are really worried about so I hope this is helpful.

Buggedandconfused · 04/09/2020 08:15

Well nothing there then OP. No more to comment on. Drama over.

DidoAtTheLido · 04/09/2020 08:56

.When he came through the door the first thing he said was ‘ok so where are these sausage rolls to reheat

So, he knew there were sausage rolls because he was with you when he bought them. And he remembered them and fancied some? Mentioned them without knowing that your Mum had left some in the oven, and put it down to ‘instinct’ or coincidence that he had thought about them in the same day as your Mum left them in the oven.

A complete non event.

Welshgal85 · 04/09/2020 09:29

Have you spoken to him about the trust issues in the relationship? I don’t think he is spying on you but there is obviously something about him you do not trust.

FlapsInTheWind · 04/09/2020 09:59

His change of behaviour will be because he knows you are on to him.

Oh and he will be reading this.

Iggypoppie · 04/09/2020 10:05

If there's no trust, move on.

SoulofanAggron · 04/09/2020 12:53

I still think he was spying on you in some way. The little bug thingies are easy to buy these days.

As I said earlier in the thread, you can get bug detectors cheaply and just go round the house seeing if you find anything. www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=bug+detector&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@DidoAtTheLido @bumblingbovine49 He mentioned reheating them when he had no way of knowing there were any left to reheat.

@Underpressure13 Either way I would split with him. All your threads/comments suggest he isn't a pleasant man.

iMatter · 05/09/2020 07:07

@xoxogossipgirl2020

Yet, you’re still bothering.....this is pointless

I couldn't have put it better. You're flogging a dead horse OP.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 05/09/2020 09:22

he should not be the administrator on your laptop, change that op.

Lsquiggles · 05/09/2020 13:01

How is this still going on Hmm you don't trust him and it sounds like for good reason. Just dump him and move on

Mix56 · 05/09/2020 16:11

if nothing else, you should ask him why he is administrator, & what is the password to reset it. he should not be able to log in & see what you are doing. He isn't ask you & he didn't tell you. I would honestly do a factory reset, I would also tell him this is a total breach of privacy, its all about checking about your "friend" he is jealous, & manipulating, a really bad choice of partner. You seem to be ignoring all the posters who are saying to boot to touch this guy. In veiew of you white washing all over this serious issue
I would factory reset both phone & computer, change your passwords on everything , including your bank. & never let him anywhere near either again. & tell him why.
If he is innocent, (he is clearly NOT) he will be apologetic, not angry & justifying his spying

Original poster
Underpressure13 · 06/09/2020 14:17

Just wanted to give an update :

I’ve met up with him over this weekend and we have talked it all through .
I was very honest about what I suspected and how I’d been feeling this past week.
Re sausage roll gate , he says that when he first came into the house he had quickly opened the oven and seen the sausage rolls . I didn’t see him do that even though I was in the same room, but I think I’ll have to take his word on it and give the benefit of the doubt .
I discussed the administrator stuff on my computer , the fact the browsers linked to his emails, the file syncs which seemed to be in a one drive personal vault etc.
We went through the compute together , looked at settings etc . He has taken himself off everything. I couldn’t find the place where he was administrator anymore which was a bit suspect .
Anyway he denies any wrong doing and tried to explain how most of that had happened. He acknowledged that he was wrong to do things on my laptop without me knowing ( he said he was trying to make my life easier ) an we had a chat around boundaries / privacy / secrecy .
He was pretty annoyed about the fact I’d thought him capable of those things and we talked about that and my lack of trust in him
Following the last 1.5 years of slightly odd stuff going on .
He’s ok about it all now - we both realise we need to work on a lot of things if it’s going to work . I’m wondering if I can ever get trust back . I’m inclined to think I was wrong about him this time - but there are still unknown things which make me wonder , such as on my ‘ find my phone’ there are three iPhone devices Linked to me- two of which I can’t get location for ( old phones maybe?)
Most things I’ve doubted seem to have had a reasonable answer / solution.
I think I will have to watch this space and see if this relationship has any legs going forward. But I’m aware it’s already taken a lot of mental energy . It’s down to trust now - if I can’t regain it I will have to end it .
Thanks to all of you who helped one way or another .

OP posts:
Manolin · 06/09/2020 14:24

So he knew the sausage rolls were in the oven but the first thing he asked was where they were.

Original poster
Underpressure13 · 06/09/2020 14:28

I said ‘ why didn’t you just say you’d seen them Instead of saying ‘instinct’- and he said it was banter , he just wanted to tease me - which I said was not on and unfair and caused this hassle in the first place.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/09/2020 14:30

When he came through the door the first thing he said was ‘ok so where are these sausage rolls to reheat ?’

vs

he says that when he first came into the house he had quickly opened the oven and seen the sausage rolls . I didn’t see him do that even though I was in the same room,

So why did he ask where they were, if he knew they were in the oven? Hmm

IntermittentParps · 06/09/2020 14:41

I agree with category12, his answer doesn't match his original comment. And you didn’t see him open the oven even though you were in the room.

Also, I don't believe him when he says his ‘instinct’ comment was 'banter'.

You couldn’t find the place where he was administrator any more Hmm.

Sorry OP, but I don't believe him at all. I think he's lying and gaslighting.

Lineofconcepcion · 06/09/2020 14:43

Perhaps you should follow your instincts instead of dismissing them.