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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP said a very strange thing tonight ?!

712 replies

Underpressure13 · 28/08/2020 20:55

DP has called by tonight to hang out for the evening with me and the kids .
When he came through the door the first thing he said was ‘ok so where are these sausage rolls to reheat ?’
Earlier today my mum who was caring for the kids whilst I worked, cooked some sausage rolls and left the remaining ones we didn’t eat in oven for me to reheat for DP and kids tonight.
There’s no way he’d have known of this as both myself , nor my mum have mentioned this to him today and he knew they were in there without being told or even looking . They hadn’t recently been cooked and place didn’t smell of them.
When I questioned him on how he knew, he just said ‘ oh, instinct I guess’ no further explanation Shock
Is it strange he said that? I can’t quite work this out !!

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 01/09/2020 12:38

Go to the best computer expert you can find. Ask this person to check your devices for malware/spyware.

In the meantime, check out via Google how to find spyware, and ideally get a new phone, even a cheaper PAYG for daily use. Don't give him the number, make sure your DM and DC know not to as well. Make sure he never gets his hands on it or even knows about its existence.

Digital stalking is unbelievably common. Over half of women who have left a male partner are being stalked by that ex to some degree via their phone or other device.

He's creepy!

peachypetite · 01/09/2020 12:44

@Ladybyrd

Jesus. How is this still going on! You have kids and think he’s been spying on you. That would make me feel physically sick. What is the point in having it out. Dump him.

I agree with you. But first I'd want to know where these devices were so he couldn't continue spying on me after I'd dumped him.

I would take the speaker and laptop to a computer shop and ask them to check it over. They know what spyware looks like. If they found it, I think my inclination would be to go to the police. I would want to know there wasn't more.

In the first instance though, I would make absolutely sure there wasn't a innocent explanation. But if you've spoken to your mum and she can't she'd any light on it, I think I'd be dropping it in pronto and avoiding him.

As if he’s going to tell her the truth. Dump his ass, get to a computer shop and move on with your life.
Original poster
Underpressure13 · 01/09/2020 13:17

@excelledyourself - hmm ,good point .

The speaker is a bit like a small flask - with fabric ( soft to touch ) quite simplistic - just an off/on button on top and a plus/ minus on the front . That’s it - it charges in the usual way from underneath via small cable that fits into any usb. ( tried to take photo but my phone won’t allow atm).

It wasn’t the speaker’s volume which went down the other day - the speaker bleeped during a song and the volume panel on my phone lit up and went down as if a ghost was doing it.
My internet connection has been weird on and off since last night .
I don’t consider myself computer illiterate at all - which is why I’ve noticed so many nuances since April/ May with my devices. I just don’t know the ins and outs about software/ spyware/ syncing etc - I think that’s quite normal ! I know enough to have two way authentication on most things I access from my phone .
A month ago my google account was being accessed by two devices - so I got rid of the unknown one and changed my security and passwords . I check that every few days . At the time I linked that IP address to London - but I assumed someone was trying to hack me.
I do stay vigilant as much as I know how to.

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 01/09/2020 14:29

I would take your devices to the shop that is 40 minutes away and get everything checked. Be honest with the shop that you suspect spyware. Get them to reset everything with your email in charge.

ButtonMoonLoon · 01/09/2020 14:34

I’d try and find someone to come to your home, they will have the technical knowledge to look around and know what they’re looking for.
Your phone also needs checking.

PamDemic · 01/09/2020 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sssloou · 01/09/2020 15:40

Even if you did dump him you would still need your home and devices checked out.

LilyLongJohn · 01/09/2020 16:34

I'd do as other posters have said, take all devices to your local tech shop and ask them to check.

Greenbks · 01/09/2020 17:37

@Underpressure13 apologies if someone has shared this link already - this explains the listening device in your laptop.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2016/11/24/how-your-speakers-could-be-turned-into-eavesdropping-microphones/amp/

Original poster
Underpressure13 · 02/09/2020 12:58

download2.medion.com/downloads/anleitungen/bda_md43989_au.pdf

This is the speaker - looks like it has microphone and playback features and can be connected with another device . What do you think ?

OP posts:
TheNestedIf · 02/09/2020 15:03

The speaker is legit as far as I can tell.

He could, conceivably, have paired his phone with the speaker then used the call last number function to call his own phone, I suppose. That would rely on him physically pressing a button on the speaker and then you not using the speaker. It would tie up his phone for a long time if he was hellbent on listening. I wouldn't have thought it was a practical way to eavesdrop but I think it looks possible in theory.

You could run a test on that using your own phone.

ODFOx · 02/09/2020 16:12

You aren't tech-savvy OP so just take the whole lot to someone who is: at the moment you are thinking the worst but even if there's no spyware you need everything in your own name and your own details as admin on the systems.
You don't trust this man so any relationship is destined to failure. Take back control of your tech and let him go.

Original poster
Underpressure13 · 02/09/2020 16:29

I’ve just tried pairing them up etc and doing my best but I’m clearly not as tech savvy a needed in this Scenario so I’ve given up . I feel so doubtful that it’s just a set of coincidences and maybe there’s nothing to majorly worry about . Doubting myself a lot today . Feel like a bit of an idiot.
Got into main laptop this morning into his Microsoft account on there , but didn’t go any further ( even though the laptop was named as his device and he had my one drive stuff in files I couldn’t get into) everything was password protected . Stupidly I tried to put the ones of his I know but nothing worked. He’ll know I did that by now so is on to me . Even if he is innocent in this he’ll be aware I’m checking and digging .
We’re due to spend the weekend together tomorrow as my children go back to exh after a long time with me. I want to discuss my lack of trust , explain all the reasons why and challenge him on everything I’ve found . In a safe public place . I can’t see myself having the time to get to a computer shop . Children start school tomorrow and I start new job and Thursday nights are our nights together. I’ll have to go for it and see what is said .
It’s all wearing me down and taking up far too much headspace as you’ve all said . Just too many breaks in trust and strange goings on (such as photo of back of phone and knowing which food was in oven etc )
I’m determined to stay strong , not falter and get to the core of it one way or another.
Mums partner is tech savvy so may drop the lot off there in the daytime Tomorrow as an added check .

OP posts:
TwinkleInYourEye · 02/09/2020 16:32

I would say something out loud that is contraversial and needs an explanation by you towards him...i.e. 'Oh My God, I can't believe that man rang me today!' and wait to see if he questions you or hints at something. I'd def investigate the tech stuff but this is a temporary measure.

diddl · 02/09/2020 18:06

Why would people carry on the drama?

Just dump the arsehole & get devices checked!

ALLIS0N · 02/09/2020 18:16

@diddl

Why would people carry on the drama?

Just dump the arsehole & get devices checked!

This. Most people would do this:
  1. Take their devices to be checked out by experts.
  2. Cancel Thursday’s date to buy you time - say you are coming down with a bug.
  3. When you have the findings and If there is anything there , dump him.
  4. If there’s nothing, dump him because you don’t trust him.
  5. Go for counselling to work on your boundaries.

However Op you seem to want people on here to give you opinions on your computer / TV and are now suggesting you give it to some relative and keep seeing this man. And go on a fake date with him tomorrow.

It’s madness and I can only conclude that you are in fact enjoying all this drama.

TimelyManor · 02/09/2020 18:17

I want to discuss my lack of trust , explain all the reasons why and challenge him on everything I’ve found

What do you hope to achieve doing that? Where do you see the relationship going?

OhCaptain · 02/09/2020 18:18

Drama, drama, drama...

Buggedandconfused · 02/09/2020 18:26

I kind of feel the OP is enjoying the drama too...

It’s a ridiculous situation, ongoing drama with this man & pitter pattering around not really doing much to sort what could be a dangerous situation for your kids.

I’m half disbelieving it all now. Sorry OP.

peachypetite · 02/09/2020 18:29

Your poor kids Sad

SummerSummerSummertime · 02/09/2020 18:44

Oh god just dump him op.
You don't really know him do you?
He might turn nasty when challenged. Don't do this on your own if you MUST have it out with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

footprintsintheslow · 02/09/2020 18:47

It's your life OP but EVERYBODY is telling you to get your devices checked by a professional and dump the man.

You don't have to listen to anyone here. But no one is giving you pretend made up advice. Everyone is concerned for you and your children.

Put your children's safety first for goodness sake

excelledyourself · 02/09/2020 18:52

He’ll know I did that by now so is on to me .

So when you question him and has answers for everything, as he's now had 5 days to prep, then what?

rosegoldivy · 02/09/2020 19:03

Jumping on for the huge dramatic showdown

BigBadVoodooHat · 02/09/2020 19:06

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