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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP said a very strange thing tonight ?!

712 replies

Underpressure13 · 28/08/2020 20:55

DP has called by tonight to hang out for the evening with me and the kids .
When he came through the door the first thing he said was ‘ok so where are these sausage rolls to reheat ?’
Earlier today my mum who was caring for the kids whilst I worked, cooked some sausage rolls and left the remaining ones we didn’t eat in oven for me to reheat for DP and kids tonight.
There’s no way he’d have known of this as both myself , nor my mum have mentioned this to him today and he knew they were in there without being told or even looking . They hadn’t recently been cooked and place didn’t smell of them.
When I questioned him on how he knew, he just said ‘ oh, instinct I guess’ no further explanation Shock
Is it strange he said that? I can’t quite work this out !!

OP posts:
imissthesouth · 30/08/2020 23:25

thank you OP, i just think people believe you're a troll for some reason. I believe you

Eckhart · 30/08/2020 23:34

I thought you were a sausage troll earlier in the thread, OP, but I don't now. The sausage coincidence does make me smile though :)

Have you got anywhere with thinking how you're going to deal with him?

CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2020 23:35

Maybe he's secretly the sausage king of Chicago and he thinks the Op is out to steal his secret sausage recipe!

CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2020 23:36

That was a heat a his expense and not yours op

BeeTrees · 30/08/2020 23:36

Op, in the nicest possible way if this evil creep has gone to the extent of doing all this spyware on your devices then of course he isn’t going to say “you got me” when you confront him.
Please do not do this but contact the police or a domestic violence service, tell your mum or a friend in real life.

Marcipex · 30/08/2020 23:39

Honestly, I think he’s watching/ listening somehow and slipped up with his comment.
A natural remark would be
Those smell good, any left?
or Sausage rolls, right? Great.

I’d put some serious effort into finding out what he’s doing. In fact, he might be reading this.

greybuttons11 · 30/08/2020 23:50

Cameras

diddl · 31/08/2020 08:05

@excelledyourself

Give it a rest. She physically moved out in April 2018. She told her ex she was leaving before that.

She's clearly rounded up her relationship time with the BF.

At least take the time to read though her previous posts if you're so keen to troll hunt. Or report her.

I don't think Op is a troll. Just an idiot for jumping straight into another relationship & involving her kids.

At least it's her house & this abuser doesn't live with her, so easier to disentangle.

Original poster
Underpressure13 · 31/08/2020 09:29

Idiot is a bit strong ! This is a person I thought I could trust who I’d met 20 years previously even before I knew DH, who I then kept in touch with across the years . He was a good friend .The first 10 months of our relationship was long distance only as we’re from different countries, with us visiting each other once every 8 weeks or so for that duration. For the first year we only spent 3 days at a time in each other’s company - and now that he’s here living nearby , we only spend long weekends together ( my children barely have contact tbh) so I suppose I haven’t had a particular length of time to see the personality develop . If that helps with perspective for anyone.
I’m extremely careful with my children - they are my no.1 - which I why I left an EA marriage with their Dad so we could all have a happier life . I do everything with them in mind .
They don’t know DP is a P- they still think he’s a friend and have never - in 2.4 years- seen us have any contact which would make them think otherwise . I’ve never got round to telling them . Instinct maybe ?
Anyway a break off - for this reason - would be a clean break if so . They would miss seeing him as they like him a lot , but it would not effect them on deeper levels and they have fantastic relationships with their Dad who - even though was horrible to me- is a very good Dad to them .
I think I’ve been very careful with this first relationship following a long marriage . I only wish that I hadn’t thought it was meant to be- I can be a bit of an idealist and I liked the idea that this one was written in the stars ( silly me )
What can I say - I am learning fast ever since .

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 31/08/2020 09:34

Sorry you've had a hard time by some on this thread.

If I was you in this situation I wouldn't give him an opportunity to explain or a hint that you know something or have suspicions as he could hide his tracks. I would take all your devices to someone professional and get them to look at everything.

Then if he has installed anything I would go to the police and obviously end things.

diddl · 31/08/2020 10:28

Op, I will obviously apologise for saying idiot.

I always think it odd when people go from one relationship straight to another-perhaps that's just me!

Aside from whether or not he is spying, you have posted that you have had enough drama in this 2.5yr relationship.

So isn't that reason enough to let it go?

TimelyManor · 31/08/2020 11:39

OP, I think for the sake of any potential future victims of this man, even if you feel you don't want to do anything for yourself, it would be prudent to have your computer and other devices checked by someone in the know before he has the chance to hide all traces. If it's all a false alarm that's fine but if not you should then report it.

If you confront him he will lie.

CorrectileDysfunction · 31/08/2020 12:22

OP, you need to end it for all of the numerous reasons there are to end it, regardless of the outcome of this particular incident.

Separately, you need to have all of your tech looked at by a professional, and report to police if he has been spying.

Then, you need to focus on having a happy life with your children, and come up with some set boundaries for any new relationships so that you can agree with yourself in advance what is and is not acceptable to you in a relationship.

growinggreyer · 31/08/2020 12:29

Also, you need to explain to your children that you have ended a relationship with this man and that they should not have any further contact with him. He could easily find them on Whatsapp or whatever and continue a relationship behind your back. They would have no reason to doubt him unless you are clear with them that you are concerned that he is dodgy.

Gentl3menJack · 31/08/2020 13:49

I would say: "I want to know why and how you are spying on me." Don't bother with the "Are you spying on me?" Straight in with the kill and keep repeating. Hopefully this will give you direct answers more rapidly.

footprintsintheslow · 31/08/2020 15:00

He will just gas light her and deny it and make out that OP is paranoid with mental health problems.

Next steps for me would be:
All devices checked by a paid expert.
Police
Dump man by text
Block man

In this order.

newnameforthis123 · 31/08/2020 15:27

Again OP, are you planning to end this relationship? It's insufferably, exhaustingly unhealthy.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/08/2020 15:53

Yeah okay “have it all out with him” then comeback next week with the details of the next sausage based drama Hmm

WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 31/08/2020 16:34

@footprintsintheslow

You missed off the last, and most important task

Eat Sausage Rolls.

Original poster
Underpressure13 · 01/09/2020 10:25

@diddl it’s ok - I know what you mean , and I certainly am guilty of jumping from one relationship to the other since I was 14 ( apart from the 18 years with STBEX) I had a steady stream . Most of them were long term ( only one ONS) but a steady stream nevertheless. I usually had one ready in the wings . So I can recognise that in myself now and think time alone would be really beneficial and essential before embarking on anything else.

Re who ate the sausage rolls- haha he ate the lot !

I’m not sure which way to play this now - I’m starting a new job tomorrow and both children are going back to their schools - this week ( as for many of us) is super busy .
I don’t know any techy people who could check this for me and as I’m rural , the nearest computer shop is 40 mins away -would it have to be an independent one ? How do I phrase what I want checking ?

Isn’t it better/ easier to just have it out with him and see his reaction / face? He’s not really the type to get angry , he’ll just go blank and change the subject ( usual responses) but this time I’ll push it.

As you all say, trust is gone anyway. Doubt I can ever come back from that .
I would appreciate help with next steps now as I’m faltering on the direction to take / how to approach it .
I haven’t put the speaker on ever since .

OP posts:
TimelyManor · 01/09/2020 10:55

Isn’t it better/ easier to just have it out with him and see his reaction / face?
No, you won't get any answer other than the one he wants to give you. Or doesn't. My ex was an extremely accomplished liar - he was very believable. If yours is the same his reaction/face won't tell you much. Or it may tell you how good a liar he is.

I stand by what I said earlier, even if not for yourself and your children, for the sake of future potential victims, I really think you should get the devices checked.

As to where to go for that help, I don't know. Perhaps the police can advise, or somewhere like Womens' Aid, they'll have had experience of this. It's just a phone call or email to ask the question then take it from there.

peachypetite · 01/09/2020 11:17

Jesus. How is this still going on! You have kids and think he’s been spying on you. That would make me feel physically sick. What is the point in having it out. Dump him.

Ladybyrd · 01/09/2020 11:57

Jesus. How is this still going on! You have kids and think he’s been spying on you. That would make me feel physically sick. What is the point in having it out. Dump him.

I agree with you. But first I'd want to know where these devices were so he couldn't continue spying on me after I'd dumped him.

I would take the speaker and laptop to a computer shop and ask them to check it over. They know what spyware looks like. If they found it, I think my inclination would be to go to the police. I would want to know there wasn't more.

In the first instance though, I would make absolutely sure there wasn't a innocent explanation. But if you've spoken to your mum and she can't she'd any light on it, I think I'd be dropping it in pronto and avoiding him.

excelledyourself · 01/09/2020 12:25

He’s not really the type to get angry

And did you think he was the type to spy on you?

I'm assuming not. You don't actually know what he's capable of when really put under pressure.

TheNestedIf · 01/09/2020 12:37

No point in having it out with him. If he is guilty, he won't admit it. If he is innocent, I don't think you will believe him. And even if you do, you will doubt him again next time something unfamiliar happens on your computer. This is bound to happen as, forgive me for being blunt, you are a bit computer illiterate.

Bluetooth speakers dropping volume is a common issue and not usually sinister but, as said, it would be useful to see a picture as there are telltale signs if they're also a nanny-cam.

Explain to the repair shop you think there may be spyware on your laptop. Let them check. Whether or not they find anything, ask them to back up any personal data and do a complete re-install of Windows 10. Get them to take you through account setup and make sure everything is linked to your email this time. Get them to show you how to turn the microphone and camera off and take you through any other privacy settings.

If they do find any dodgy software or if your partner is angry about no longer being in control of your tech then, obviously, you have a big decision to make about the relationship. Otherwise, you have some peace of mind that you're back in control of your devices.