DP said a very strange thing tonight ?!

[Underpressure13]

DP has called by tonight to hang out for the evening with me and the kids .
When he came through the door the first thing he said was ‘ok so where are these sausage rolls to reheat ?’
Earlier today my mum who was caring for the kids whilst I worked, cooked some sausage rolls and left the remaining ones we didn’t eat in oven for me to reheat for DP and kids tonight.
There’s no way he’d have known of this as both myself , nor my mum have mentioned this to him today and he knew they were in there without being told or even looking . They hadn’t recently been cooked and place didn’t smell of them.
When I questioned him on how he knew, he just said ‘ oh, instinct I guess’ no further explanation
Is it strange he said that? I can’t quite work this out !!

[quote imissthesouth]@Namechange2020onceagain
Have you read the thread? DP has been using her computer and is the admin, any spyware would have been installed by him and HE gave the permissions; not her [/quote]
I know, that's why I said get it checked out by a professional.

The RealTek thing is normal, nothing suspicious in that. It's just your laptops internal mic, it is usually hidden from view to save space. It should bounce up and down when you are looking at it as that tells you that it is working (for skype, google groups etc etc).

When the laptop is sleeping it should be inactive but of course you can't easily check that.

I used to work in IT. If you don't have Wi-Fi it's less likely that he is spying on you using your devices. Disconnect your laptop from the hotspot when you're not using it and shut it down. Make sure that there are no devices connected to your hotspot that you don't recognise. Basically, shut down the network access.

I think it's more likely to be a bug somewhere in the house.

He is almost certainly listening to you OP, and I think you know that. Don't ignore advice and sort this out ASAP.

I also don't understand why you didn't challenge him when he mentioned the sausage rolls. If it had been my DH I'd have immediately asked him how he could possibly have known about them. And not given up until I got an answer.

A guy I dated installed Find My iPhone. You know, in case I ever lost it. After we stopped seeing each other I twigged he'd been using it to spy on me. I used to go for a drive after work - there's a lovely coastal road that leads to the next town where I used to live with my ex. In retrospect, I think he'd watched me going there and thought I was cheating on him. I finally twigged when I noticed he contacted me any time I went anywhere unusual. I changed my password and he rang within the hour. We hadn't spoken in weeks and no reason to. He didn't mention it of course, but there was no other reason to call. I thing he just realised he couldn't access my account anymore.

Some people are just bizarre.

In your situation, I would just ask him how he knew about the sausage rolls. There could be a simple explanation, ie he'd bumped into your mum, but if I didn't like his account, I'd tell him so, and tell him he's asking strangely and I didn't like it. The guy I was dating obviously got off on having this over me - hence the random phonecalls - I think it made him feel powerful- like he was just playing with me.

At this point, I think my inclination would be to ask again how he knew and if I wasn't happy with his answer tell him I was knocking it on the head. If he refuses to explain then just gets in a huff (moody, quiet) that's pretty incriminating. Alternatively I would put the speaker in the garage/attic/shed/car and wait and see how long it took him to bring it up. I'd also change all of my passwords. If I found out he had been spying on me, I'd ditch him like a hot potato and tell him what a creepy git he was and I would actually consider reporting it.

Interesting thread.
OP -this happened to my friend.
She lived apart from her partner and he was insanely jealous.
She had a converse with a friend , in a café and the friend mentioned an obscure gallery she had been to in a foreign town. Phone was on the table.
When she saw the DP he suggested they visit that gallery sometime.
It freaked her out because it was so obscure-he didn't know the person who mentioned it, that person had in any case visited ages before, and (my suggestion) my friend had not slept with the DO since and talked in her sleep!
She had always left her phone lying around at when at the DP's flat (tho he took his everywhere including the loo:shower etc!
She bought another phone which she never let out of her sight when with him.
She also had her laptop checked snd there was spyware on that too.
Obvious she left him!

‘Course if you were designing spyware to confuse the luddites - what better way than to hide in plain sight? You could name it something like Realtek or logic or Firefox... and then any googling would reveal “perfectly normal software”.

Bin him off and get some boundaries.

Most of the time, our instincts are correct...if you feel something is off it is likely that you are right about it.

Do you have any other reasons to mistrust your partner or suspect that he might be keeping tab on you and your family (some have suggested phone/email hack, camera) if so be very vigilant.

'Instinct' or smell do not cut it and is an odd reply to give when questioned. Unless you or your mum mentioned it in passing, there is another less pleasant reason for it...the guy has found a way to spy on you.

@Franklyfrost

You don’t want to be with someone who you think is capable of bugging your home.

How can being with someone that sinister be better than being single?

There's nothing wrong with being someone who is CAPABLE of being able to do it. It's if they actually do it that you need to worry!

Any one want to link the previous threads.

This thread. Bloody hell. Can the non-techies please stop posting bollocks tech advice as you will be frightening and confusing the OP and potentially undermining any credibility she has with the police.

OP, take the laptop offline and to a repair centre. There's too much that could be happening to guess at on a forum. Get them to back up any personal data and do a complete re-install. I don't know if your DP is spying, but it's not healthy that your laptop and personal business are linked to his email accounts. Same with the phone.

Get rid of the speaker and buy your own. A picture would be useful as it's usually pretty recognisable if it's a nanny cam device. An inventory of anything he has left at your house would also be useful. You can hide surveillance in just about anything. Air fresheners, chargers, picture frames, etc.

Even if nothing turns up, for your peace of mind, don't allow him on your devices again, even as a hotspot. If you had wifi, I could see some sense in it, but you don't so let him use his own phone as a hotspot.

@londonscalling

Morally capable of spying on his partner rather than technologically capable

Why don't you start googling things like preparing evidence of spying/bugging for court and prosecution of illegal surveillance?
Start talking about it to others (when he is not around, but your speaker/phone/laptop is) maybe in a hypothetical way and see how he reacts.
If he really is spying on you, this should give you the answers you need while you make your tech unavailable to him so he can't hide evidence.

@custardbear

I can't believe you didn't just say 'how did you possibly know about the sausage rolls?! '

This. Rather than fanny about deciding that perfectly ordinary stuff is spyware why not just ask him straight.

You’re loving the drama. And the people feeding it here aren’t helping, IMHO.

So much sausage-based drama:

Might my OH be gay because of all the sausage pics on his phone?
Might my OH have bugged me because of unprompted sausage comments?
"Yikes. What do you all think?"
"I’ll report back later on / once I have more info"
"I think I’ll try to build up evidence over the wkend . Keep you posted"

@TheNestedIf

Spot on.

You seem very passive and frozen about this tbh. Not expecting any Dranatic moves for our sakes, but there’s something about the war you’re reacting which feels ‘small’.

It’s like you think this is a normal thing to be happening, or just a little ‘odd’, semi amusing almost.

I’m not sure what kind of relationship history you’ve had but I’d suggest doing the freedom program to give yourself a sense of health when it comes to relationship dynamics and the way you should be treated.

We didn’t go camping , but I am going to do something nice with the kids today and tonight as they’ve been looking forward to it so much and it’s the only weekend I get with them so am making the most of it . I’ve had a cold lately so it was easy not to go .
He came round yesterday afternoon and whilst he was sat In the garden on his phone , that speaker which was playing music from my phone ( Spotify ) , stopped and then beeped and then the phone which I had in my hand at the time had its volume turned down ( or the speakers maybe ?) and I hadn’t touch it . Another odd thing to add to the list.
I’m going to speak to him somewhere public about it all tomorrow eve if I can get my mum to look after the kids. I’ll bring everything up- all on the table - including the cooked food scenario obviously ( I can’t even be bothered to say the S word as some of you are determined to think I’m obsessed with it which is just mad) . I did bring it up that night immediately , about three times , but the kids were right there listening and he is a regular avoidant with answers which make him uncomfortable so he just said ‘ instinct’ shrugged his shoulders and went off to play Lego.
@SoulofanAggron has it right - I’m not ignoring all of your advice . I am building my case and forming a plan and just trying to straighten my head. I have 2 young children to entertain , so they come first this weekend . Then I have a long hard think about why I’ve spent the last 20 years choosing men who’ve really let me down . And I will finally do the freedom programme I’ve bought and read that ‘ how to thrive after life with a narcissist’ book and get on with a simpler life away from the drama the men in my life bring to me . They are the drama llamas . I am nothing like that and I deserve more than this crazy world depicted in my threads.
A lesson to be learnt , I suppose, that none of us - after being in EA relationships- should ever jump into anything else quickly - no matter how lovely the person seems .

I'm glad you're taking on the advice and not going camping as well OP. Definitely distance yourself from him and only meet in public with him now.

Good luck op. An obvious question is why make yourself admin on your systems. Who does that? And if you do mean well change it tomorrow please. I want to check all my systems and find I’m the admin.

I’m concerned that you think you will confront him with your evidence and he will confess. That’s NOT going to happen.

You have nothing concrete to prove that he’s spying on you as you refuse to investigate this properly. Just a lot of odd coincidences that can easily be explained away.

You said he’s very avoidant with his answers. So he will either tell you a load of technical nonsense or he will go on the attack, accusing you of being paranoid or not trusting him.

Remember he’s had days to plan his response as he’s more that Likely reading what you are writing here. He’s not going to suddenly confess all and throw himself into your arms and beg for forgiveness.

Of course he can uninstall all of this just as easily as he installed it, as you continue to give him full access to your home and your IT.

You don’t need a “ case”. This isn’t a court of law, you don’t need proof that will convince a jury. You are allowed to end this relationship any time for any reason.

@timeisnotaline
Mostly parents or companies not wanting children or employees accessing certain settings or programs, in this case a controlling DP

He's probably read this thread and changed all the settings already.

You may never find evidence now but you don't need it. You know what he's done is wrong.

Just read all your posts @Underpressure13. I really hope you get some answers, this whole thing can't be easy.

@ALLIS0N

I’m concerned that you think you will confront him with your evidence and he will confess. That’s NOT going to happen.

You have nothing concrete to prove that he’s spying on you as you refuse to investigate this properly. Just a lot of odd coincidences that can easily be explained away.

You said he’s very avoidant with his answers. So he will either tell you a load of technical nonsense or he will go on the attack, accusing you of being paranoid or not trusting him.

Remember he’s had days to plan his response as he’s more that Likely reading what you are writing here. He’s not going to suddenly confess all and throw himself into your arms and beg for forgiveness.

Of course he can uninstall all of this just as easily as he installed it, as you continue to give him full access to your home and your IT.

You don’t need a “ case”. This isn’t a court of law, you don’t need proof that will convince a jury. You are allowed to end this relationship any time for any reason.

Everything that ALLISON said.

Just dump him. No need to gather evidence, besides which, as a lot of us have already said, he's probably reading this thread anyway, so will cover his tracks and will lie to you.

Just tell him it's not working for you. What's the point of dragging it out? If you really don't want drama, don't do something that will cause it.

I agree it's all very strange and now I really want a sausage roll.