Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

[AverageNSad]

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

I would raise it again. Tell him you are not happy at all with what happened.
TBH I think I would be having thoughts about the whole relationship. That was totally unacceptable.

I'm upset reading about it, I'm sorry that happened. He forced your head? That's not consent. And for 10/15 seconds. That's a long time for that to happen. I take it the choking normally happens earlier? It doesn't matter, he KNOWS what he did was wrong.

If I don't get warning I don't do it again. What an absolute prick.

I think that would be the last bj I ever gave him.

What does TW stand for ?

No more blow jobs for him ...right ?

@AnyFucker Trigger Warning

That’s not on. Have you told him?
If you do a choke thing, do you have a safe word...

Ok thanks

What did he say in response?
Gosh this is horrible. An ex did this to me once, I've never forgotten it and he was actually a very manipulative, abusive man.
OP are there any other red flags?
He's broken your trust, he's been abusive and I'm sure you must be very upset right now.
Flip it - you'd never force your partner to do something clearly uncomfortable and unconsenting?

That would be the last conversation I had with him. He sounds really dangerous.

What the hell is this thing about choking? Whose idea was that? It's such a dangerous thing to get involved with. I could cry at the thought of women going through that.

Do not let this go. He went beyond your usual manner of sex and ignored your attempt to retreat. It is not an excuse to say he got carried away because if he cannot maintain control in these situations then you are at risk.

That is not ok

He sexually assaulted you. I get that it's a frightening thing to think but he did. You aren't safe with him.
When you say he told you he was going to choke you - do you like this or just tolerate it?

PS. I am sorry this was done to you. You deserve respect and love, this was not that.

He did force my head. To be fair he often does but only for a second or two. This went on for much longer and I was panicking a bit and trying to move away but he wouldn’t let me. He didn’t seem to care. I suppose he’ll say he just got carried away in the moment.

I like giving bjs but I need to know that I can trust him implicitly to look after me when I’m in a vulnerable position. I couldn’t have said a safe word as I literally couldn’t get any air let alone speak.

The big thing here is forcebly keeping your head there, and not discussing or agreeing if it would be an ok thing to try. I can only imagine how long 10-15s of that would seem to last, it's a very long time. Totally fair to be upset, tbh I'd feel entirely different about anyone doing that, but it's so far from anything I be into as restraint of any kind puts me off, freedom to move being very important to me. So my gut reaction would be very strong, and I'd end it also on the basis that it shows from him that he has a very poor attitude towards women, a lack of respect and that it's ok for him to use them as he wishes - just yuck all round. Couldn't go near him after that, sorry.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

If you don't raise it again, what happens next time he gets "carried away"? Why are you protecting his feelings at the expense of your own?

When I say choking - he doesn’t put his hands on my throat - I suppose it would be better if I called it deepthroating. I’m it sure if that makes a difference. Sorry for any confusion

I could cry at the thought of women going through that

Me too.

OP he is acting dangerously. Is he controlling in other ways? Please think about this carefully.

I'd have clamped my teeth down hard

Blow jobs would be completely off the table for me, I think. If you intend to continue, you need to discuss this and make any sort of control of your head ever again a NOPE.

This isn’t OK. It sounds like it would have been clear to him that you were struggling and not happy with what was happening.

@AverageNSad

When I say choking - he doesn’t put his hands on my throat - I suppose it would be better if I called it deepthroating. I’m it sure if that makes a difference. Sorry for any confusion

Yes I understood what you meant. Do you like it or just tolerate it?

I'm sorry this happened to you. Please don't just let it go. When you feel able to then tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel about it. If he dismisses it or direct listen then you know what to do!

I've just held my breath for 15 seconds. It was horrible - but I was in control. You weren't, it must have been terrifying.

He sexually assaulted you. You withdrew consent during the act- which you absolutely are entitled to do.

If he doesn’t see the problem and won’t apologise then you need to rethink the relationship. He obviously gets off on the idea of hurting you. That would give me pause.