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Original poster

Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

230 replies

AverageNSad · 27/08/2020 19:03

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

OP posts:
Mamabear1990 · 28/08/2020 02:05

@EarringsandLipstick no, I hadn't read them all.
@Wondersense if he was getting enjoyment on her panic and fear, then absolutely he is a psychopath. I've been in that situation genuinely and it's confusing and messes you up with anger!
@SoulofanAggron yeah, I think if anything is done to give that person any kind of non consensual pain then they are twisted.
@AverageNSad I think all that matters is you weren't comfortable with it and it scared you. If he won't hear you then he's a horrible person and you deserve better. (If he doesn't like seeing you in pain and genuinely loves you then it could just be he got carried away and took a bit longer to come).

LunaNorth · 28/08/2020 02:18

@Mamabear1990

I’m not sure your contribution will be helping OP at this stage. This bastard does not ‘genuinely love’ her.

He’s a sexually abusive cunt who couldn’t give a fuck and she really needs to get far far away from him.

Flowers for you, OP.

Californiastreaming · 28/08/2020 02:20

You should of took a large bite of his bits as soon as he did that, he is vile.

Itsatoughgig · 28/08/2020 02:32

@AverageNSad

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.
This tells you all you need to know op. There’s no recovering from something like this if he doesn’t respect or value your feelings.
managedmis · 28/08/2020 02:36

Omg get rid of him, pronto

All this choking rubbish again, ugh

Honeybeexo · 28/08/2020 03:05

For obvious reasons, even if there is a safe word if she’s being gagged during oral, she can’t use the safe word.

What he did is not on, and I see it as sexual assault, I’m afraid. When I was with my ex partner, if I seemed at all uncomfortable during oral even without saying anything he would stop immediately. That is what your partner should have done.

You need to have a serious talk with him, maybe even ask him to leave for a few days so you can have some space.

It was sexual assault, I’m sorry Flowers

Gingerkittykat · 28/08/2020 05:47

Can you call rape crisis for support and advice?

seriousandloyal · 28/08/2020 06:25

Oh OP, like other PP on this thread I could just cry for you and any other women who feel they have to put up with this in a relationship. How degrading and disgusting that he did this to you. Please end the relationship, sex is supposed to be enjoyable and fun.

AlternativePerspective · 28/08/2020 06:33

Tbh I am [hmHmm even re women who say they’re into this sort of thing.

How many of those women took the first step? Said “I know, it would be kind of kinky if you choked me/deep throated me during sex oral,” or did the man always suggest it and the woman went along with it and decided that maybe it was ok in the right context? Because IMO there is a difference.

People of course have the right to do whatever they want in consenting relationships, but I just can’t see any woman being the one to suggest it, and as such even when it becomes a consenting thing, it seems that the initiation always starts with the man and his wants, in which case it still isn’t an equal decision.

Fuppy · 28/08/2020 06:56

I think PP's have this covered already but just wanted to reiterate that he has a total disregard for you and your life. He knew that he was putting you at risk, and more than likely over time would continue until you lose consciousness and perhaps die.

He'll not be remorseful (because he isn't now) instead he'll say it "went a bit too far" that it was "definitely consensual" he'll tell a judge and potentially your family there were no signs to stop and that you enjoyed it just as much as him...almost impossible to disprove.

Please, leave him, he'll likely manipulate you not to because he won't want to lose the hard work he put into getting you to this stage. He won't change, he'll just learn how to temporarily say/behave to keep you a bit longer.

Thanks
Hailtomyteeth · 28/08/2020 07:05

I'm sorry, he abused you, there is risk to your life if you continue. You know what you have to do.

msflibble · 28/08/2020 08:03

OP, from what you say about him withdrawing affection he sounds very manipulative and abusive. Look up trauma bonding - a lot of abusers use it to bond their victim to them so they can't leave. It's not love, more like a thick knot of scar tissue that keeps you stuck to him, thinking you need him. There are amazing books/programmes/online resources you can read to get a handle on abusive men and how they operate. Why Does He Do That and The Freedom Programme are great places to start.

You don't need this controlling, porn sick, abusive, rapey piece of shit. Get rid and get yourself free. Sending Flowers

popcornlover · 28/08/2020 08:35

Hi OP, is it possible to report to the police as he used force and you could not free yourself.

I hope you are ok.

popcornlover · 28/08/2020 08:38

@AlternativePerspective agreed. Women need to step away from this.

I hope the OP is able to report this to the police because I feel if she doesn’t other women will be at risk if she does leave him.

EarringsandLipstick · 28/08/2020 08:41

@RodeoDive

Honestly, I feel like crying for younger girls today (and I am relatively young myself). This sort of thing seems to be so normalised, with the conversation basically being a peppy, upbeat version of: 'This is expected of you. Here are some fun tips and tricks on how to endure it'.

I love sex with my husband because it's loving and kind and fun. Anything we try out is in the context of each of us wanting to make the other feel good. I enjoyed sex with men before him for the same reason. I know I was lucky.

The idea of violent sex with someone who has no respect for me at all as an actual person who's also supposed to be enjoying themselves is the biggest turn-off I can think of.

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Run for the fucking hills before you end up on the wrong side of this bastard's 'rough sex defence'.

All of this.

👏👏👏👏 excellent post @RodeoDive

Takingontheworld · 28/08/2020 08:45

Broke my heart reading this. There is no coming back from this, the trust has been broken and what he did is unforgivable.

The bit where you say about his reaction if you were to raise it alongside the realisation you are scared of him... 💔

Move on with no second chances and allow yourself some time to process what he has done to you. Flowers

Mittens030869 · 28/08/2020 09:03

I feel like it’s not real - like it happened to someone else

This is a trauma response.

This is absolutely right. I'm a survivor of childhood SA and when I have flashbacks that's exactly how it feels, like it happened to someone else.

And yes, the strops and silent treatment are a part of emotional abuse. My F used to do a lot of that.

Please see this for what this is, OP. I'm really sorry. Thanks

tornadoalley · 28/08/2020 10:01

He is pushing your boundaries, and I would see this as a red flag. If he's prepared to do this now, how much further would he go? Would he get carried away some day and really hurt you?

nannymags · 28/08/2020 10:22

MrsKeats I think it’s from the dark (now becoming mainstream Confused) Side of porn

IfIHadAHeart · 28/08/2020 10:53

How many of those women took the first step? Said “I know, it would be kind of kinky if you choked me/deep throated me during sex oral,” or did the man always suggest it and the woman went along with it and decided that maybe it was ok in the right context? Because IMO there is a difference

I am one of those women. My partner and I occasionally do this, at my suggestion. I enjoy it, truthfully. There is absolute 100% trust in our relationship though. He absolutely respects me as a woman and as an equal, and always treats me with love and care. He does not treat me as just another orifice that services his needs, and that is clearly the difference here.

I am all for women enjoying sex, whatever that entails, and I would never judge a woman based on what she was into. But it needs to be true consent and that is not at all what has happened here. OP, your partner does not respect you, and it’s clear from what you’ve said that this extends beyond the bedroom. Get rid.

bringbacksideburns · 28/08/2020 11:09

OP - how are you?

Please end this relationship. He doesn't care if you are ill, he doesn't give a shit about your feelings, he's cruel, selfish and abusive.

I understand this ' choking ' thing can be popular but why is it normally done to the woman? It doesn't sit well with me.

Get the fuck out of this relationship.

User856334967 · 28/08/2020 11:20

Why are people saying this is kinky or this is something they do in their own sex lives? What the OP has described in her FIRST post is clearly and undisputedly sexual assault. If she says she was raped in the missionary position would people say "oh I like the missionary position but not when it's forced on me". I am so disappointed.

OP, I hope you are okay and have someone to talk to xxx

nannymags · 28/08/2020 11:24

This is sexual assault plus actual assault! On a cellular level, it might have felt like you were being killed. Sending you love

Drinkingallthewine · 28/08/2020 12:35

@RodeoDive

Honestly, I feel like crying for younger girls today (and I am relatively young myself). This sort of thing seems to be so normalised, with the conversation basically being a peppy, upbeat version of: 'This is expected of you. Here are some fun tips and tricks on how to endure it'.

I love sex with my husband because it's loving and kind and fun. Anything we try out is in the context of each of us wanting to make the other feel good. I enjoyed sex with men before him for the same reason. I know I was lucky.

The idea of violent sex with someone who has no respect for me at all as an actual person who's also supposed to be enjoying themselves is the biggest turn-off I can think of.

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Run for the fucking hills before you end up on the wrong side of this bastard's 'rough sex defence'.

Every bit of this!

Penetration, of any flavour, should be entirely within the control of the person being penetrated.
DH and I have gotten a bit more experimental, and it takes the form of a chat outside the bedroom to see if it may be something that is a turn on for both, if so, it's up to the recipient to suggest it in the moment. If it's not something that one of us is keen on, the idea gets dropped forever never to be mentioned again. During the new thing we are trying, the recipient is the one in charge, and the other checking if it's comfortable/pleasurable and ready to stop the moment the recipient wants to.

I've been around the block a few times and in my experience it's only the dickheads with little or no respect for women who claim to 'lose themselves in the moment'. The respectful, lovely men are able to control themselves in even the most heated /pissed off their heads moments and have capability to stop immediately if their partner wants them to.

I was choked by an ex in an argument with his hands around my throat, and even now nearly two decades on, any hands around my throat would send me into a panic. It's a fear that you don't get over easily.

I'm relieved that you are independent of him and hope that you see that he's too abusive to stay with and end it with him as soon as you can.

whatisheupto · 28/08/2020 17:32

Hope you are ok OP. None of this is your fault. Please just end the relationship. Don't think about it all too much, don't tie yourself in knots, just do it.