Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

[AverageNSad]

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

I like that he enjoys it but thinking about it, I don’t really like it personally

I expect he is a lover of porn

Vile man

From what you have said though you struggled and he used pressure to hold your head in position?

Doing something that you were unable to say no to and hadnt discusesed previously to this length of time/degree

This is sexual assault. How was he immediately afterwards? 10/15 seconds is a long time to forcibly hold someone's head in position. Think about it.

This is awful! I had one ex who tried to push my head down and I bit him in response.
I would not tolerate this once, let alone what he's just done which is awful. How can you ever trust him again?

@AverageNSad then no more BJ’s or you’ll have to use your teeth if he won’t stop! Or a different position / he gets tied up.
It’s not ok and it was dangerous.
Do you enjoy this .... I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than deepthroating
If you do then you really need a “get out” or a safety net.
You also need to tell him too. Hopefully he will be ashamed!

So he has slowly eroded your boundaries into allowing him to do something he likes but you dont and today he took it too far

Right this isnt ok and it wont be the last time unless you raise it now - which you need to.

His response will tell you everything you need to know. Personally he knew exactly what he did and he didnt care because his pleasure is ahead of any discomfort you have and he assaulted you

That's not ok. Hope you're alright OP.

I would have a conversation with him asap and explain why what he did was not ok. I hope you feel able to fully express to him the gravity of what he did. If you don't feel able to express that fully (which is perhaps why you're here seeking validation that your feelings here are legitimate?) then I would suggest reflecting a bit further on the relationship.

I am imagining how I would feel if DP did that to me, and I think I would feel disgusted, violated, sad, and very shaken.

and he cannot get carried away in the moment when you are not able to breathe - things like this need to be controlled.

Done it once, you've normalised it, will do it again.

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.

That’s one reason I’ve posted - to get some objective opinions.

Here is an idea op..
Either spell out it def won't be happening again or jump straight to Ltb.
If it is acceptable to you in a shorter time then he has pushed the boundaries.. Tell him you aren't comfortable going that long.
Imo when you aren't vanilla the partner can push things. Not saying it is acceptable though.

Well, you won't get an opinion that this is in anyway okay. It really isn't. I'm sorry that happened to you. How tied are you to this relationship?

* I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok* This is a normal response to a threatening situation.

Fight, flight, freeze or friend. Plenty of us try to appease someone who scares us, it's a perfectly normal response and it has saved many women from threatening situations.

You need to decide what to do next, though. It doesn't sound like this is ok, consent is not optional.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Id be getting my teeth out at that point, sharpish

@AverageNSad

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.

Then you are undoubtedly in an abusive relationship.

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. As is dismissing your experiences and emotions and using anger to get you to STFU. All very unhealthy.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

I feel like, you already did say something when you tried to pull away. That's pretty clear communication, actually.

What else can you say? "I don't like being raped or assaulted.". He already knew.

@AverageNSad

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.

He chokes you with his cock for 15 long seconds, refuses to take any notice of your clear distress and his response will be to punish you by not talking to you???

Seriously, you are in an abusive relationship that will only get worse.

If it was just a mistake, he would be terribly upset when you told him and would understand when you explained that BJs are off the table for the foreseeable future. but it wasn't a mistake.

The forced deepthroating and the strop/silent treatment are abusive. He is using and controlling you. This is not a healthy relationship for you.

@AverageNSad

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.

I was waiting for this. I knew there'd be other awful behaviours.

Please reconsider this relationship.

You must have been frightened and suffocating, and it must have been obvious you were in distress. A decent man would be absolutely mortified, not giving you ‘the silent treatment’. This amounts to rape. It’s a very big deal and I’d be questioning the relationship.

Not OK. This fundamentally undermines your consent and your trust. I would be questioning things about the relationship and him too. Take care OP.

OP he showed complete disregard for your safety, wellbeing and consent. This could be regarded as oral rape. What he did was completely wrong. I'm sorry it happened to you.

I'm going to guess that he watches a lot of porn. He is probably used to objectifying women, and unfortunately that is beginning to extend to you.

I would leave a man who did that to me. Trust and bodily autonomy have both been violated. In my twenties I stayed with a man who had no respect for me in the bedroom and I learned then that men like this don't change - they only get worse.

Sounds like he's been watching a bit to much porn