Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

[AverageNSad]

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

I think it’s a highly inappropriate time to post something like that. I think you would be better starting a thread if you want to discuss this.

I disagree completely. Howallergic's posts have been spot on. I've also been very concerned about how kinky sex has been normalised as mainstream. It's led to women's murderers being acquitted as a result of a 'rough sex' defence.

I think that maybe 40 years ago, kink was a bit like a Carry On film with a bit of 'Ooooh Matron' thrown in somewhere.

Somewhere along the line it has turned into something violent and damaging to guess who? Women. Women are now pressured into thinking that in order to be good in bed they must swallow cock, take it up the arse and let him penetrate you any and every way for him to get his rocks off.
I too blame the porn industry with the odd exception. Men who haven't had sex in a long time are the most likely to ask for odd things. Men who actually get laid often enough, are quite happy with missionary and plain old ordinary good sex.
I think it's time we said NO to this shit.

@Howallergic

I think that maybe 40 years ago, kink was a bit like a Carry On film with a bit of 'Ooooh Matron' thrown in somewhere. Somewhere along the line it has turned into something violent and damaging to guess who? Women. Women are now pressured into thinking that in order to be good in bed they must swallow cock, take it up the arse and let him penetrate you any and every way for him to get his rocks off. I too blame the porn industry with the odd exception. Men who haven't had sex in a long time are the most likely to ask for odd things. Men who actually get laid often enough, are quite happy with missionary and plain old ordinary good sex. I think it's time we said NO to this shit.

Yep.

Another one here (mother of two teenage daughters) who is really troubled by the normalisation of sexual violence in lovemaking. Choking is a really big one, whether it be by throttling or through oral sex because it's so easy for a man to kill a woman that way. And FGS - it's just not necessary. Sex can be absolutely amazing and transporting without someone cutting off your oxygen supply.

@AverageNSad - hope you're feeling a bit better today. You've had a really traumatic time. Do you have someone who can come and look after you in real life?

Hope you’re ok OP x

Hi - I do feel a bit better today. Thanks for all your support after my post last night.

I literally sobbed myself to sleep last night but I feel a bit stronger today. I know that I wouldn’t get anywhere with a prosecution and that makes me angry but I don’t think I could go through with it anyway even if the CPS decided to prosecute.

He works in the legal profession and he used to work defending alleged sex offenders so he’s told me some of the horrific questions he would ask the alleged victims. It’s enough to make you weep with sorrow how some victims were treated by defence barristers.

I’m at my mum’s house having a curry and cuddles with the dog. I haven’t told her anything but it’s just nice to be here with people who care about me.

I haven’t spoken to him or seen him but I think I’m going to go away for a few days with my mum - we are currently hatching a plan which I think will be good for me.

I feel so sad about some of the things that some of you have gone through on this thread. Why do some people think they have the right to treat us this way?

Thanks again - you’ve no idea how this has got me through the past few days. It means such a lot. Ok, I’m going to sign off again now because I’m welling up but that you so much.

Ah OP, I'm so glad you are with your mum.

Baby steps, but sounds like you're that little bit stronger.

Sending you ❤️

I'm so glad you're with your Mum. Even if you don't give her details, do you think you could give her some idea of what your bastard of a partner did to you? Because I think you're going to need some people who have some idea of how bad and dangerous this man is, and to harden your resolve not to be vulnerable to his abuse and assault of you again.

I am so glad you are ok and are now with your mum!! You are stronger than you know and you will get through this 💐 xx

Just came across this thread.

Nothing to add but lots of internet hugs for you.

Take care lovely.

hello OP, please stay with your mum and leave this vile piece of shit for good.

He used to defend sex offenders legally and bully women with invasive questions? What an absolute arsehole. I wonder if he got off on it, given what we've learned about him here.

Please, please look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You are worth so much more than this complete scum. There are people who love you but he isn't one of them. I doubt he's capable of love at all. Wishing you strength and peace xx

He’s dangerous, I would be straight out of there. So many red flags.

Good update from you. Stay safe.

He's not a good man.

You're safe with your Mum and you can tell as many people or as few people as you like - nobody if it suits you. FWIW, this is the only time I've spoken about that rape apart from the police interview.

I know the questions they ask. Some of them I couldn't remember as I was drunk 'were you naked?' 'was he naked?' 'when you threw him off you where did he land?' 'so you consented to oral sex?' 'at what point did you decide not to have sex?' 'how did you tell him that you didn't want sex?' And that was just the police (the ones who would be on my side eventually) and not the barrister for the defence.

Just because the CPS couldn't prosecute a case doesn't mean that you don't know what he did. Or that it didn't happen. Or that it's ok.

Glad you're safe, please stay away from him now.
My heart breaks when I read those "rough sex" murder defences and Mr Thinks-he's-a-SHL sounds just the type.

He sounds absolutely vile. I'm sorry.

Thank you for updating op. Have a fabulous few days away and remember - you do not owe him any contact whatsoever. You never have to speak to him again unless you want to.

This is ABUSE. Leave the inconsiderate plonker for what he is: an abuser.

At least tell you mum you have broken up and you are not getting back together.

There is no shame in saying to her that he got violent with you, no marks were left, you were very shaken, you don't want to talk about the detail as there was a sexual element, he had been violent before but not so badly, he isn't sorry. The end result is you now see him as a vile pig and you do not intend to ever see him again.

@Pokske

This is ABUSE. Leave the inconsiderate plonker for what he is: an abuser.

Rtft fgs!

Well done OP. stay strong. 💜

Stay strong op

I think you have to leave him. He has no respect for you, your feelings or your safety!
I don’t wish to alarm you but he has risked taking things further without your consent. What else might this progress to?
Years ago a woman died during riske sex with her husband. He dumped her body and pretended she had left him. They seemed like any respectable couple on the street not far away from us. It was awful when all the details came out. He Had apparently just pushed things till they had gone past the point of no return and then 3 little children were left without their mother.
Please, please think of your safety in all of this.

Hi OP, just wanted to see how you are doing?

@Mittens030869

I think it’s a highly inappropriate time to post something like that. I think you would be better starting a thread if you want to discuss this.

I disagree completely. Howallergic's posts have been spot on. I've also been very concerned about how kinky sex has been normalised as mainstream. It's led to women's murderers being acquitted as a result of a 'rough sex' defence.

I agree with you, Mittens.

Hi - thanks for thinking of me. I’m doing ok. I’m currently in turkey with my mother. We are having a lovely time but I’m still having intermittent feelings of panic.

I haven’t seen or spoken to him so he knows what he did.

You have no idea how much you have all helped me over the last few weeks. Thanks again.