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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

230 replies

AverageNSad · 27/08/2020 19:03

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 27/08/2020 22:22

I suppose he’ll say he just got carried away in the moment.
Just to be clear on this, he didn't get carried away, he prioritises his sexual satisfaction over your pleasure, your safety and your consent.
This will never change.

This is not normal or acceptable.
Please take the steps you need to take to get out of this relationship. You deserve better.

Mashingthecompost · 27/08/2020 22:23

Ah it just updated.

Mashingthecompost · 27/08/2020 22:29

@AverageNSad I'm really sorry you've been put in this position. I hope you manage to sleep tonight. Agree with prev posters that you are safer away from him.

Kaiserin · 27/08/2020 22:34

No relationship is worth this. Get rid. You deserve much much better (in fact no one deserves to be treated like that)

SoulofanAggron · 27/08/2020 22:41

I'm trying to imagine this scenario in my own relationship and yes, maybe dh would do something like this in the heat of the moment but the second he could see or sense I wasn't happy, he would stop and check I was ok. Most worrying is how you describe your dp would act if you tried to talk to him.

@allfalldown47 The forcing his cock down my throat and not letting me go would be a highlight for me, too though.

Wondersense · 27/08/2020 22:44

I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

Never have sex with him again. EVER.

This is a dangerous, crucial time for you in which your boundaries are tested. What you are willing to accept or not accept is tested. What you decide now might decide the course of your relationship or more than that.

Only you can define what happened to you, but in my opinion you were very clearly sexually assaulted. It will take some time to get your head wrapped around that. First you will be sad and confused or both, and as time goes by and you realise fully what he did, you will get very angry. You are still processing it, and it took you by shock so your reaction does not surprise me. Never blame or question yourself for that.

You might be confused as to why this man, who has a name and a family, hobbies, maybe pets, a man whom you have fond memories with could do this. You might wrestle with that idea and try reconcile the two. Put it aside. What's important for you and your safety, is for you to realise that your partner gets off on sexual assault and torture. I don't care if you have consented to degrading acts in the past or not. This is a wake-up call as to what gets him off, and I wouldn't be surprise of there's more in store for you.

If you question or doubt yourself, here's a very good way for you to evaluate the shittyness of what someone has done to you - do you feel you can tell anyone this in real life? Does it seem so bad, that you feel it's shameful, dirty, something so bad that the person in front of you might want you to call the police? Is it so bad that it's illegal? That if you told a therapist or councillor they'd be duty bound to let the authorities know so they could support you? That your friends and family would be worried abput you? If so, that's how you know.

You have cause to take this to the police. No one can guess what's in someone else's mind, but this man does not love you. No matter what he says, does or pleads. No one does that to someone they love, and even if they did, you have no obligation to forgive them or stick around to see what they have next in store for you.

MrsKeats · 27/08/2020 22:46

Is it just me or is this choking thing becoming more common? I see it mentioned a lot and makes me feel uncomfortable; as though it's just about male power and dominance.
Op I've been in an abusive relationship. It doesn't get better. Please end things.

Wondersense · 27/08/2020 22:48

I suppose he’ll say he just got carried away in the moment.

No. He knew what he was doing. No one holds on for that long. You are justifying your own abuse.

No wonder your scared of him. You've seen a monster inside your partner. You deserve so much better than this.

Wondersense · 27/08/2020 22:53

@MrsKeats

Is it just me or is this choking thing becoming more common? I see it mentioned a lot and makes me feel uncomfortable; as though it's just about male power and dominance. Op I've been in an abusive relationship. It doesn't get better. Please end things.
Sadly yes, it does seem to he getting more common.

Nothing gets some men (even left-leaning so called progressive men) off more than playing with the life of their partner and rendering them helpless. Of making their normally vivacious, intelligent, proud partner choke. It's the ultimate domination. The ultimate 'I'm going to shut you the fuck up bitch'.

Porn has a lot to do with it, but I think it's something that appeals to misogynistic men and that's as old as the hills.

Lilyargin · 27/08/2020 22:53

You know how you feel about this; you’re posting about it on a forum for one thing - LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT.

TwentyViginti · 27/08/2020 23:00

@MrsKeats

Is it just me or is this choking thing becoming more common? I see it mentioned a lot and makes me feel uncomfortable; as though it's just about male power and dominance. Op I've been in an abusive relationship. It doesn't get better. Please end things.
What OP described became 'popular' in the 1970s, when the film Deep Throat was out. The sexual choking common now (using hands) is porn fuelled.
Wondersense · 27/08/2020 23:03

@whatisheupto That's very true. There's a lot of backstory in my case, but something that my partner said to me just made me snap. I realised how slowly it happened over the course of years. I realised that felt subordinate, stepped-upon, disrespected, used on a daily basis to prop up someone's moods to the detriment of my own. I realised that deep down, I now had a question mark over him and that I no longer felt 100% safe or sure of him as I had been for years. I realised that I was probably being subjected to the same behaviour his mother had done when he was growing up. It was a 'how fucking dare you' moment. The sad thing is, now I feel the change, the reflection I was looking for has come too late. I've seen too much to forget and now I face an uncertain future in difficult economic circumstances with little hope of having children at my age with the right person.

Mamabear1990 · 27/08/2020 23:14

That's happened a fair few times for me. In trusting relationships. It's definitely kinky!
But nothing makes me angrier than someone doing it when you try to pull away and obviously don't want to do it. It's a breach of trust then.
Please talk to him about it and don't be embarrassed. How would he like it if you did the same to him and he couldn't breathe. He should know that you weren't cool with it, or at least talk about trying it at a pace you're comfortable with.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/08/2020 23:32

Mamabear did you read all OP's posts? She's been assaulted, and said upthread she's afraid of this man.

There is no premise to talk and explain how she feels, or negotiate common ground.

He's abusive. I very much hope OP can get support to leave this relationship. Immediately. Without discussion with him.

Dery · 27/08/2020 23:34

“I’m just typing a stream of consciousness here but I’ve just realised that I am scared of him.”

Okay, OP. You need to end the relationship - you cannot be with a man who scares you. Women can get killed through rough sex and you had a glimpse of how it can happen this evening.

It’s great that you don’t live together. Do you have real life support to help you end it with this man - perhaps someone who can come and stay with you for a few days?

Wondersense · 27/08/2020 23:39

@EarringsandLipstick I agree.

Wondersense · 27/08/2020 23:41

@Mamabear1990 He knew she wasn't cool with it. That's exactly what the thrill was for him.

rvby · 27/08/2020 23:50

@AverageNSad

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.
See sometimes partners try new things without checking first, it happens and can be totally fine.

But the key is that it can only be ok to take risks like that if you have a relationship of kindness and trust.

A person who punishes you for not liking something they did during sex, that's not a safe person.

Can you get away from this guy? Tbh my partner and I do similarish things, but never for that length of time - thats a long time - and absolutely never EVER does he continue if I pull away. That's so so dangerous, that he carried on. The fact he carried on AND you feel you can't raise it, I'm sorry op but I'm afraid for you, this isn't safe.

GarlicSoup · 27/08/2020 23:58

@HollowTalk

That would be the last conversation I had with him. He sounds really dangerous.

What the hell is this thing about choking? Whose idea was that? It's such a dangerous thing to get involved with. I could cry at the thought of women going through that.

^ This

Leave him, he's dangerous

MrsKeats · 28/08/2020 00:08

Glad it isn't just me re choking.
God it's so depressing.
At least you can extricate yourself easily op

LastResorts · 28/08/2020 00:41

Completely unacceptable! I’d be furious. I don’t get how seeing the person you love in distress can be satisfying, he needs to be spoken to. I feel hurt for you Op x

SoulofanAggron · 28/08/2020 01:11

In trusting relationships. It's definitely kinky!

@Mamabear1990 I think it's a bit like some people supposedly get off on being shagged while they're asleep. That may be true but without any discussion/agreement in general at some point, it's rape.

This could be similar- if they'd discussed doing it to this extent beforehand then ok. But without discussion it's not consensual.

See sometimes partners try new things without checking first, it happens and can be totally fine.

@rvby I don't think this is ok. Not to take it this far. I used to be a sub but this would've been too much for me. A bit of deep throat, making your eyes water etc maybe when I was into that, but as you imply, you need to be able to break/come up for air when you want.

IfIHadAHeart · 28/08/2020 01:27

How old are you both OP?

RodeoDive · 28/08/2020 01:40

Honestly, I feel like crying for younger girls today (and I am relatively young myself). This sort of thing seems to be so normalised, with the conversation basically being a peppy, upbeat version of: 'This is expected of you. Here are some fun tips and tricks on how to endure it'.

I love sex with my husband because it's loving and kind and fun. Anything we try out is in the context of each of us wanting to make the other feel good. I enjoyed sex with men before him for the same reason. I know I was lucky.

The idea of violent sex with someone who has no respect for me at all as an actual person who's also supposed to be enjoying themselves is the biggest turn-off I can think of.

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Run for the fucking hills before you end up on the wrong side of this bastard's 'rough sex defence'.

Valkadin · 28/08/2020 01:57

The it feels like it’s happened to someone else is a trauma response and you are in a disassociated state. It’s the brains way of trying to cope with levels of fear and distress that it’s struggling with.

You need to end this is a safe way. I would recommend changing the locks on your door if there is any chance he has ever had a key to your house. Confide in real life if you have someone you can trust. Don’t engage with any kind of chat with him he will try and twist it all.

Good luck and take care.