Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

[AverageNSad]

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

That does sound grim. What a catch.

I think the advice to flip the situation is really good.

Imagine he was doing something to you sexually, and then without agreeing you held his head down despite him trying to get away and kept it there while he struggled to get air and his throat filled with fluid.
Just imagine how much more you would have to care about your own pleasure over his autonomy, safety and comfort to do a thing like that.

I know you would never do anything like that OP and I know why, because it's an awful thing to do and is abusive and disrespectful. It's a form of assault. You know it would be wrong. It is wrong.

Now imagine he tried to discuss it with you and you shamed him to protect your own feelings rather than listening to understand his. I know you wouldn't do that either OP.

The reasons why you wouldn't do that are missing in him. You don't mean enough to him. That puts you in a dangerous position and an abusive relationship you don't deserve.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

That would be the last conversation I had with him. He sounds really dangerous.

This, in spades.

This is so utterly shocking, and sad. As pps have said, he has eroded your boundaries & confidence so that you're not even clearly sure this is wrong.

I would leave. Today. I would never, ever talk to him again.

I hope you can get some support IRL. 💐

This is sexual assault.

@whiteroseredrose

I'd have clamped my teeth down hard

My thoughts entirely.

I wouldn't be discussing it with him it would be the end of the relationship tolerate this kind of crap and he'll do much worse

Please get out and get help dangerous sexual practices are huge red flags for me

Where's your pleasure in any of this ? Did you reach satisfaction with this exchange

Sex should be equally pleasurable for women can you imagine grabbing his head forcing him down on you and clamping your thighs shut so he can't breath

Run from this situation life is for living not enduring its tad amount to rape in my book

My objective opinion is that he is dangerously sexually abusive and you need to end it now

whiteroseredrose
I'd have clamped my teeth down hard
Comments like that aren't helpful - when something like this happens you don't ever know exactly how you will react, and it's important for you to know OP that there isn't a right reaction.

I think what he did was awful and he has knowingly crossed a line for you. Adding that to the way he will likely react if you bring it up is more worrying imo, because it means he doesn't respect you and doesn't feel you have every right to say no.

Silent treatment and strops are designed to make you so uncomfortable that you give up on being angry with him and essentially get back in your box and stop talking about it.

If you want an opinion on what to do next, I would take some time away from him. If you are comfortable enough to tell him why, do so, but tell him - it's not a discussion, it's a statement ("You held my head when you knew I wanted to move and it made me feel unsafe. I am taking time away to decide where to go from here because I don't accept that you didn't know what you're doing"). Ignore any reaction from him.

Then let yourself process what happened. You're under no obligation to decide anything right now - and even if you decide you want to stay together, I would strongly suggest you reset your sexual boundaries but have a real think about what you enjoy first and take absolutely everything else off the table, so no holding your head / restraints / choking etc.

DISGUSTING

I suppose he’ll say he just got carried away in the moment.

That's the opposite of an excuse. If he can't control what he does regardless of the other person's comfort and consent, he shouldn't be shagging anyone and he's not safe for anyone (including you) to shag, as he could do anything at any time because he feels like it.

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.

Then he's an abuser- he's emotionally as well as sexually abusive.

OP I'm really worried about you. That is an awful experience to go through and your OH being so blase about it is even more worrying. Why does he not care about your feelings or your consent? This is a clear sexual assault. Is it something you might want to report? It would be a legitimate choice if you wanted to do that though it must be hard to know what you want at the moment with the shock of all that has happened. OP, will you not put yourself in a vulnerable position with him again until you've had a chance to properly think this through? You should not have to protect yourself in that way be your OH has shown himself to be a potentially quite dangerous man who will use his superior strength for his own gratification and I don't want you to get hurt.

How horrible. I hope you're feeling ok. Not being able to breathe is not ok. Who cares if he was getting 'carried away'. I do think it sounds abusive. If you let it go who knows what he'll move on to... doesn't sound like he will have a grown up conversation about it... can you leave him? I would personally.

This was sexual assault. You say he’ll throw a strop and then sulk if you mention it? That’s coercion. Please finish with him and please get support from Women’s Aid.

I'm so sorry he did this to you.

I agree with everybody else though: you couldn't breathe and we're scared and he was getting off on it. And if you complain he'll sulk.

You are not in a safe relationship. It's not just about giving head - which I'd NEVER give him again anyway, because even if he was tied up, he'd still thrust into you, he'd still try to see what he'd get away with - he lacks a fundamental respect for you.

Really sorry. Please leave him.

Jesus, Op, I am so sorry this happened to you. This is abusive and is criminal in that it is sexual assault. He could have killed you. You need to leave him.

This is awful, I couldn't be intimate again with someone one that did that and also would react the way you described if you brought it up again

@AverageNSad then you need to tell him. It’s meant to be enjoyable on both sides and you did something for him that he’s disrespected. So no more.
You need to let him know this.
How is he in other respects? Is it a one off? Is he regretful. How is the relationship as a whole?

You have lots of things to consider.

Do you expect to ever give him a blow job again?

Me, I would have no trust, it would give me no pleasure and therefore I would not do it again.

What would happen if you refused from here on? I assume he would punish you. Does he punish you any time you don't want sex?

Maybe do a little better for yourself and don't settle for someone who gets their kicks "choking" you with his dick?

I could actually cry at the notion that my daughters could end up in the same position one day and think they'd done well for themselves.

What is your housing situation?

@AverageNSad

I know exactly how he will react when I raise this. He will make out that I’m overreacting and then go into a strop and give me the silent treatment.

This is about much more than this awful assault. You are generally scared of him. You don't dare even talk to him about being upset. That is no relationship. Get out before he hurts you further

I'd have something from my pin-box to hand. 2 1/2 inches of steel. Shove that through his cock and tell him it's your fantasy.

The whole point about a BJ is it's your gift to give. Choking you (and the choke doesn't have to be strangulation - it's any block to the airway) is not part of the deal (and why would you?). Have something sharp to hand in bed.

I'm sorry OP.

It sounds like he gets off on your distress. You deserve more. Is this the life you want? You aren't a sex doll.

@TheSecondMrsAshwell, do you know how bonkers that is?

I’m sorry if I miss any questions. I have my own house and career. I’m not financially reliant on him and we have no children together.

I feel like it’s not real - like it happened to someone else.

If I do something he doesn’t like he withdraws all affection, which he knows I hate.

I was Ill over the weekend and we didn’t see each other. He didn’t once ring or message me to see how I was.

I don’t know how much porn he watches.

I just want to thank you all for your help and advice. I’m listening and thinking a lot.

I’m just typing a stream of consciousness here but I’ve just realised that I am scared of him.

Thank fuck you don't live together. Please end it.