Troubled by what happened (Trigger Warning)

[AverageNSad]

Hi, I’ve namechanged but I’m a regular poster.

Something is bothering me about what happened in the bedroom today. I’ve been together with my DP for six years (approx) but today I was giving him oral and when he finished he shoved himself right down my throat. I tried to move my head back because I couldn’t breathe but he wouldn’t let me. I struggled with him for about ten / fifteen seconds before he let me go.

I’m feeling a bit shocked/numb if I’m honest. He did tell me that he was going to choke me (which we often do but it’s normally a few seconds at most and not when he is finishing and if I try to move back he always lets me). He normally always tells me that he is going to come. This time he didn’t and just forcibly held my head down until my throat was full.

I was scared and feel a bit teary now. I’m not sure what I want from this post but I have nobody to talk to in real life. I’m also angry with myself that I behaved afterwards like I was ok - I just told him I preferred some warning before he finished.

Should I raise this again with him do you think or just let it go? I don’t know if he just got carried away or what.

Title edited by MHNQ to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning

Oh OP 😢

I’ve just realised that I am scared of him.

This tells you all you need to know. Please confide in someone you can trust x

You need to leave him.

It's great that you don't live together.

Get this abusive shit out of your life.

I feel like it’s not real - like it happened to someone else

This is a trauma response.

I’m just typing a stream of consciousness here but I’ve just realised that I am scared of him.

This is actually a good thing. Now you know you must end it. If you don't he'll ramp up the sexual abuse. I'm betting he coerced you into other sexual acts you were uncomfortable with, too.

He had no interest in your illness, because you were of no use to him ill.

Oh honey it's not love if you're scared. Please please end it. No one would ever make you feel afraid.

@category12

Nope, and that's why I'm still breathing.

That realisation that you're frightened of him says it all.

Please end this awful relationship, what he did is not OK, ever.

I think in OP's case she'd be better off not seeing him again rather than keeping a pin-box by the bedside.

Re-read your last post

Now imagine your sister/daughter/friend/niece confiding this in you

You'd be horrified. You'd advise/beg/help them to leave.

You don't have to put up with this abuse.

An ex did this to me once, I've never forgotten it and he was actually a very manipulative, abusive man.

Same here.

It was not as bad as this (though there was no build up/grooming as such, as there has been with op, it was the first time I have him a blow job). He held my head in place with pressure when he climaxed fir a few seconds.

At the time I was a bit perturbed, slightly annoyed, but let it go as someone getting carried away, being caught up in their orgasm.etc. and I dismissed it mostly, even joked about it "yeah, thanks for the face fuck.at the end" etc.

I'm angry at myself for dismissing and joking about it looking back.

He has also been pushy sexually the first time I stayed over at his place. I'd agreed to stay over (due to transport issues etc) and expected to have some romantic and sexual contact but dud not expect to or plan to have sex. He assumed we would after we kissed & groped; he kept trying until I got quite annoyed and told him so, whereupon he did stop and went to sleep in another room. Insisted on a couple of months getting to know each other before sex (sexual intercourse) and he went along with ok, but I should have paid more attention to the unease I felt about that presumption and pushiness, and that blowjob incident.

He turned out to be extremely jealous, possessive, insecure, controlling (though I wouldn't let him so it was just an argument every month), chauvinist, temperamental etc. Everything short of physically abusive.

I wasn't remotely surprised, like other posters, that you posted about more shitty, abusive really behaviour.

Almost everytime I hope a poster on here has no ties to the man she's posting about, she responds with "two kids" etc etc.

I'm so happy to come across one who doesn't have any ties or complications ... Even before your last post I'd advise getting out, but after that ...

Absolutely horrific. No different to him holding a pillow over your face for 15 seconds and then hosing water down your throat. I feel so awful for you. The good thing is you have come on here and you have realised that he will do it again as well as any other awful things he decides he might like to try on you whether you like it or not. Don't be surprised that you hadn't realised how awful he is before now.... that is not a reason to continue the relationship. Abusers ramp up slowly for this reason.... because it means they can get away with it. Not this time! Out he goes.

What an arse. Please take this seriously- what he did is NOT okay. It's sexual violence- who gives a shit if he likes it. The next time he might get a thrill by keeping you there longer... leave the fucker.

Can you imagine calling him to say it is over, you have realised the relationship is not for you, you won't be seeing him again.

Block and delete.

You are entitled to end this relationship because he is a gaslighting, emotionally manipulative, physically abusive (holding your head in place is a physical overstep) man who does not respect you.
I'm very glad you posted here but if there is anyone you can talk to offline, I think it would help, because you've suffered a trauma.
Treat yourself kindly, please.

Please end the relationship, what he did was vile and abusive. You deserve so much more.

It can take as little as three minutes without oxygen to cause irreversible brain damage.

Quite a few women have actually died through sexual choking 'accidents'.

Evening, @AverageNSad - we're just popping onto the thread to let you know that we've edited your title very slightly to clarify that 'TW' in this instance stands for Trigger Warning.

We hope that helps avoid any further confusion.

Thanks all.

OP, talk to Women's Aid and get some support to leave him.

Well done on realising that he isn't good news. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Be careful about crossing your own boundaries to please a man, yes it's nice to do something that is pleasant for the other, but if it's the idea is grim for you on its own, it's a step too far, and you'll be recreating and starring in his own porn fantasies for him, which is quite a grim thought in itself.

Thanks @LouMumsnet - I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset anyone.

I know, I wouldn’t dream of forcing his head if he was trying to pull away. It’s really not on.

I feel really drained tonight so I’m going to head to try to get some sleep.

I'm trying to imagine this scenario in my own relationship and yes, maybe dh would do something like this in the heat of the moment but the second he could see or sense I wasn't happy, he would stop and check I was ok.
Most worrying is how you describe your dp would act if you tried to talk to him. A loving and decent partner would listen and be full of apologies and reassurance.

Please leave him op

I’m so glad you don’t live together.

This means you don’t actually have to leave him as such, you can just tell him it’s over and bingo, he’s gone.

Was just talking about this to my DP and he was incredulous, his response was “I have no idea how a man can gain pleasure from doing something to his partner he knows she doesn’t want.”

Thank goodness you don't live together. Please end it. You are not safe. We are all here holding your hand.

Sounds awful, and he wouldn't be my boyfriend after tonight if that was me. He's pushed a massive boundary - what else does he think is ok to do to you for his sexual gratification- I suspect this is the start, not the finish of his forcefulness

@LouMumsnet - don't know if it's because I'm using the app, but the title just says (TW) after it with no clarification for me.