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Original poster

Parents devestated that I want to move away

162 replies

angelinjelly · 26/08/2020 15:54

I currently live 1.5 hours away from my parents. My DH is from a city around 4 hours away. It's significantly cheaper than the city we live in. If we move there we can afford a much better house in good school catchments (we have two sons), we can afford for one of us to go part time, reduce our commute and generally have a much better quality of life.

Where we are currently I feel we are working ourselves into the ground for a fairly mediocre house with mediocre schools. My DH has a network of friends in his home town, both of us should be able to get jobs there relatively easily, it all seemed to make sense.

I recently told my parents and they were absolutely devastated. I knew they'd be upset but their reaction took me by surprise. I'm one of two children, I have a sister who is disabled and lives in sheltered accommodation, they don't expect me to care for her but they were hoping I would be closer in case I am needed in an emergency. My mum also has had a health scare recently. On reflection it was really bad timing of me to tell them now but we want to move before my younger DS starts primary school in order to minimise the disruption. We don't really have any other family.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I am being completely heartless. I didn't realise they would be so upset. My DH is still really keen to move although I know he won't pressure me if I decide I can't do it after all. I feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my family.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 26/08/2020 16:01

You need to do what's best for you and your children which is moving from what you've stated. You and they can alternate traveling back and forth for holidays etc.

fairlygoodmother · 26/08/2020 16:05

It’s understandable that your parents are sad, but you’re not doing anything wrong to want to move. They probably need some time to adjust.

Maybe you could apologise for telling them at a bad time, and maybe you could talk it through to reassure them that they’ll still get to see you. (Will you have a room for them to stay with you? Will you come and visit them overnight instead of just for Sunday lunch?). But definitely do not change your life plans because your parents are upset.

Firewall · 26/08/2020 16:07

I think you need to do what’s best for your family and most importantly your boys. By the sounds of it that would be moving- they’d have better schools, a better house and hopefully less stressed parents. Sounds like a win win. Currently being 1.5hrs from your parents isn’t super close either, so extending to 4 hrs for a better life style sounds ok. Good luck.

HoneyWheeler · 26/08/2020 16:07

I live on the other side of the world to my family, so I come to this with that particular bias!

At the end of the day, it is your life to live - if you genuinely feel it would benefit your day to day life to move, then I think you should do it. You will, however, always be the one that goes back to visit, and goes back on their timetable- it is sometimes a pain but that's just the way it is in my experience. You'll be the one travelling and making the effort.

Someone said to me once that distance is about relationships, not geography. I think that's true. There's so much technology now that makes keeping in touch so easy. It's not the same, but that doesn't mean it's not good! FaceTime to read bedtime stories, a WhatsApp group, private Instagram accounts to share photos etc - it all helps!

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 26/08/2020 16:07

You need to put your own children first and move.

HauntedPencil · 26/08/2020 16:14

I think you should definitely move. It's not like you live in the same town anyway.

Elephantscantfly · 26/08/2020 16:23

I lived 5 hours from my parents at one stage and I know they were devastated when we moved but they never made it into a big deal. We made sure we had a spare room for them and visits changed from just Popping to see each other to them visiting for long weekends and weekly visits. It was a change for all of us but great for my daughter who got to spend quality time With her grandparents, great for us too as we always used to get a night out 😀

Whatthebloodyell · 26/08/2020 16:24

You absolutely must put your children first. Especially as they are still so young. Staying where you are and fulfilling more And more of a carer role over time is going to be Such a burden with young children and still being 1.5 hours drive away, and it isn’t realistic of your parents to expect that. You have a young family and you work, you are not the answer to your parents problems even if you stay where you are.

cptartapp · 26/08/2020 16:27

Hundreds of thousands of elderly people live without family close by in case of 'emergency'.
You choose your marriage and children of course, just as your parents have made their own life choices without consulting you.
I'd think a little less of parents who have had most of their lives and opportunities and start guilt tripping their DC in this way.

MrsSchrute · 26/08/2020 16:28

I'm gonna go against the majority and say that, personally, I wouldn't do it. I really want to be close to my parents as they get older and may need more help, and be near my sibling after they're gone. I also have a sibling who will never be able to live independently, and I fully expect to be responsible for him. He's family. I would absolutely hate knowing that I could make my parents lives easier and I'm choosing not too.
If you're not miserable where you are, the school's aren't awful and you're husband is ok with it, I'd stay.

nc600 · 26/08/2020 16:31

You're not close enough now to be the person they call in an emergency! It's psychological, I would move but make a bigger effort to see them for long weekends and in the holidays

Holothane · 26/08/2020 16:33

Move our in-laws moved five hours away I was gutted at first but am happy now for them we still have the loving relationship they are by the sea and happy.

SoloMummy · 26/08/2020 16:34

@angelinjelly

I currently live 1.5 hours away from my parents. My DH is from a city around 4 hours away. It's significantly cheaper than the city we live in. If we move there we can afford a much better house in good school catchments (we have two sons), we can afford for one of us to go part time, reduce our commute and generally have a much better quality of life.

Where we are currently I feel we are working ourselves into the ground for a fairly mediocre house with mediocre schools. My DH has a network of friends in his home town, both of us should be able to get jobs there relatively easily, it all seemed to make sense.

I recently told my parents and they were absolutely devastated. I knew they'd be upset but their reaction took me by surprise. I'm one of two children, I have a sister who is disabled and lives in sheltered accommodation, they don't expect me to care for her but they were hoping I would be closer in case I am needed in an emergency. My mum also has had a health scare recently. On reflection it was really bad timing of me to tell them now but we want to move before my younger DS starts primary school in order to minimise the disruption. We don't really have any other family.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I am being completely heartless. I didn't realise they would be so upset. My DH is still really keen to move although I know he won't pressure me if I decide I can't do it after all. I feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my family.

Reading all of that, it makes financial sense based on your current location. What about regarding your parents location? Is it still such a significant difference?

It sounds like a wonderful idea for oh. His friends and family on tap. His life will effectively pick up where he left off.

You on the other hand, will have noone there. Possibly be pt at work, no support network for you, and could well feel as though he's walked into a great social life etc and you flounder to settle in and make new friends. How typical is pt work in your field?

Will your salaries take a hit being up north? Many do.

Though you're not obliged to be around for your sibling or parents, I fully get why they'd hoped you would be! And there will come a time where this distance will have an adverse effect, such as when ill, in need of day to day support, the reality of how little f2f time you actually will then spend when 4 hours plus away.

No guarantee of jobs. Especially in current climate.

Seems like a win win for oh. Possibly a financial win. Not so sure it seems that way for you though. Emotional wellbeing? All good in theory - rarely in practice .

reefedsail · 26/08/2020 16:36

If this is a life-long move for you and they are retired, would they move too? They could also move your sister close by.

I lived 4/5 hours away from my parents all of my adult life, but we have settled now and they wanted to downsize, so they have moved to our town.

MrsMariaReynolds · 26/08/2020 16:37

I'm an only child who moved 4000+ miles away from my parents, so maybe not the best example-- but you need to do what's best for your immediate family. Your parents will be devastated by your choice, but they will get over it in time. And that's absolutely NOT on you to make sure they are o.k. about a move.

reefedsail · 26/08/2020 16:38

BTW, in your shoes I would move whether or not parents could come too.

N0tfinished · 26/08/2020 16:41

Speaking as a parent to a disabled child, I think while they hadn't expected you to care for your sister, they probably hoped you would be there to act as next of kin or to support her somehow. It's very frightening to know your child will outlive you of they're vulnerable.

Have you explained to your parents the reasons behind the move? Maybe they would be able to help out. I know I would if I could.

Hailtomyteeth · 26/08/2020 16:41

They might consider moving if you find the new city suits you. What about your friendship networks? Are you leaving your community behind while your dh returns to his?

russetred · 26/08/2020 16:43

Nope, you aren't being heartless - you're just living your life and doing what's best for you and your family. 4 hours is really not so far - at least you are still in the same country, lots of people relocate to other parts of the world these days. You only have one life - you should do what is best for you and your family now. There are holidays, long weekends, etc. to spend time together. Go for it and don't let anyone guilt-trip you!

minicat · 26/08/2020 16:44

Move. You can always move back!

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/08/2020 16:49

I think you should do what's best for your family. Financial security is so important and it sounds like you'd be a lot more secure if you moved.

My only concern would be that you must be absolutely sure this is a place you like and that moving near your partners family wouldn't be too close. How involved in his family do you think you will be? Is it too much for you?

Tootletum · 26/08/2020 16:50

I'm in similar situation. We could move to my husband's home town and send kids to his school which he loved. I would be keen, but my mother moved house to be closer to where we currently live. So I cannot make the move.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 26/08/2020 16:52

I’d move op. Your husband and your children are your primary family now, you’re responsible for them, not your parents or siblings. It’s not like you’re particularly close now as it is. It would be more of a shock if you were practically on their doorstep and they were popping in and out all days. You’re already a 3 hour round trip away. I’d insist that you need to move, but obviously when they visit they can do for a few days/week at a time as it’s a longer journey

FizzyGreenWater · 26/08/2020 16:53

You cannot help someone else until you fit your own oxygen mask first, so to speak.

If you stay, you may be closer, but you'll have less time and money overall to help. Over time, that discrepancy will get bigger. By the time your parents really need to call on you - where do you want to be? With a smaller mortgage and more disposable income to help out, or to be able to take more time out? Basically the better YOUR family does financially, the stronger position you will be in to be a good support in the future - whether with time (because you have more because you don't rely on working yourself into the ground to make your own ends meet) or with cash (because you have more of it).

Move!!! It is not even as if you are down the road now. You aren't local anyway.

JorisBonson · 26/08/2020 17:09

Do what's best for your family. As PP's have said, you're already and hour and a half away from them, not close enough not be there in the drop of a hat.

I'm 300 miles away from my family. While we all miss each other, we make the most of the time we do have together.

At the end of the day you're a grown woman with your own family, it's not for parents to dictate what you do.