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Original poster

Parents devestated that I want to move away

162 replies

angelinjelly · 26/08/2020 15:54

I currently live 1.5 hours away from my parents. My DH is from a city around 4 hours away. It's significantly cheaper than the city we live in. If we move there we can afford a much better house in good school catchments (we have two sons), we can afford for one of us to go part time, reduce our commute and generally have a much better quality of life.

Where we are currently I feel we are working ourselves into the ground for a fairly mediocre house with mediocre schools. My DH has a network of friends in his home town, both of us should be able to get jobs there relatively easily, it all seemed to make sense.

I recently told my parents and they were absolutely devastated. I knew they'd be upset but their reaction took me by surprise. I'm one of two children, I have a sister who is disabled and lives in sheltered accommodation, they don't expect me to care for her but they were hoping I would be closer in case I am needed in an emergency. My mum also has had a health scare recently. On reflection it was really bad timing of me to tell them now but we want to move before my younger DS starts primary school in order to minimise the disruption. We don't really have any other family.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I am being completely heartless. I didn't realise they would be so upset. My DH is still really keen to move although I know he won't pressure me if I decide I can't do it after all. I feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my family.

OP posts:

Heffalooomia · 27/08/2020 12:39

Traditional cultures are frequently referenced in these discussions but they are not analogous to the culture we live in
We cannot transplant practices from traditional cultures into modern western democracies ....the demographic structure is completely different for a start

Mumratheevergiving · 27/08/2020 12:42

How long will the journey take from where they live to your new city? Are there good public transport routes for when they are older.

A city with cheap good housing & excellent schools sounds good - would love to know which one?

Aebj · 27/08/2020 12:51

We moved to the other side of the world to my parents. My brother has also moved but he’s only a 5-9 hour flight away.
Although they were initially upset they have visited us and see why we moved . Our lifestyle is one we could never have in the uk, we skype and email on a regular basis.
They are also very happy that we moved now especially with Covid and how safe both my brother and I are.
I would move . Technology is making the world smaller

corythatwas · 27/08/2020 12:54

The OP by this move is making it very clear that the welfare of her sibling at by extension her parents doesnt mean a lot.

The sister is already in sheltered accommodation and is being looked after, the OP will be 4 hours away- she can get there in an emergency! My MIL was also 4 hours away: when she was taken poorly we drove up straightaway. We visited her regularly, she was not abandoned.

And what if one of the OPs ILs is taken ill now, when their son is 4 hours away? They will be elderly and helpless too, eventually.

lakesidesummer · 27/08/2020 12:54

Do your parents understand the stark financial differences ?
If not I would talk to them about the difference in being mortgage free in ten years as apposed to 30.
The benefits of good schools for your dc.
They made choices for their dc growing up and you need to do the same for your dc.

I will also add as someone living in the USA this seems a lot of angst over what is a reasonably small time travel.

corythatwas · 27/08/2020 12:58

I will Probably never have another live in partner as it just doesn't work as a carer to DS with SN. As a family you make sacrifices because the vulnerable matter.

I've told DD she needs to travel and make the most of the freedom whilst she is young. At some point I will not be able to continue, I hope then she steps

So does this mean you also expect your dd to give up on the idea of a family of her own? Surely the sacrifices we make as parents are rather different to the sacrifices we can expect of our children?

happytoday73 · 27/08/2020 12:58

You need to do what's best for your family. To me you can equally live near DH family as your own. If one gives better lifestyle for your family that's the best option for you and you should do it.

Your parents also have a choice... They could follow you

GalaxyGirl24 · 27/08/2020 13:00

@Heffalooomia I imagine in that case, it is up to the person to decide whether or not they want to care for their parents or not based on their perception of their childhood. Also, I really do believe you can pay it back and forward! My mum /dad continue to pay it back to my nana, and on to me, and on to my child that isn't even born yet! It does take a lot, and it does take certain personality traits, and yes it is stressful and I'm sure there are days when we are all just feeling 'done' with it. But I know on the days I feel 'done' my mum dad are there to do bits, and likewise on their done days me and my sister can step up...and then on days when it gets to me completely my husband is there to support me and vice versa to him. I appreciate not everyone's family works like this however, so it cannot always work like this.

@corythatwas I haven't commented on the OP's partner because she didn't specifically ask about that. My view is that regardless of the sex of the child, I would feel a responsibility to the people who cared and provided for me for however many years. My DH helps a lot with my nana currently whereas her own son (my uncle) is useless. I really don't think it is just down to women to care, it makes me happy to know my DH is morally on the same page as me. It is down to each individual to decide what they feel comfortable with and what they, on reflection in their own later years, are happy in their own minds with. I would feel bad also for my DH's mum, if in her later years we cared for my parents and not his. Likewise, I wouldn't tolerate my DH expecting me to help out with his family but not vice versa!!! That is indeed sexist, if that's the word you were thinking of, and I don't really like that aspect in other cultures.

As many people will know on MN, caring for a family member is a massive undertaking, and not for everyone! Sometimes, on a particularly bad day, it isn't even for me/my mum as the stress can be overwhelming. However, I would not want to feel that in my parents old age, I didn't spend enough time with them or my children didn't.

Also, to other posters, just because you can appreciate aspects of one culture and consider the benefits doesn't mean I don't also recognise their shortcomings and negative aspects.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 27/08/2020 13:04

Your parents also have a choice... They could follow you

Possibly not. Sheltered accommodation and decent carers aren't necessarily easy to come by.

You need to do what's best for your family

Is family just who you marry or give birth to?

Jaxhog · 27/08/2020 13:05

On the one hand, you could stay where you might be needed at some indeterminate time in the future.

On the other, you and your family could move and have a better life now.

No brainer.

GalaxyGirl24 · 27/08/2020 13:05

Also @corythatwas I have re read the OPs post and yes, if my DH wanted me to move to his hometown away from my family and we both have similar childhood experiences/views on caring for family, then I would have to be saying to my DH that we either live at an in between point or stay where we are as I would feel unfair on my parents. But again, that is just my view.
I have been lucky enough to work with schools up and down the country in various areas, so I wouldn't be worried about the area as I know there are great schools in many different areas!

Again, OP will do what she wants and what is best for her family and will live with her decisions I am sure. These are just my own views.

Notverygrownup · 27/08/2020 13:06

Wow. Lots of people telling the OP she cannot do X or Y, based on their own experience. "You cannot let your own children down because . . ."

OP, all options are open to you. My children did 'suffer' because of the time taken to look after my parents. However, they also gained, learning that you can be happy, and successful, even though you have to sacrifice some of your dreams. They are resilient, independent but also know when push comes to shove, we made certain decisions because we believed that those were best for our family, and that for us, grandparents and their needs are part of that mix. We found a way, as a family to make it work for us. It wasn't perfect. But we found a way of balancing needs that we were all relatively happy with.

Lots of good advice here too, but only you can decide what is right for you and yours.

Heffalooomia · 27/08/2020 13:07

Surely the only way to pay it back and pay it forward as if you are happy to spend your whole life devoted to other people?
What if you want to pursue your own interests and live life for yourself?
Is it only men that can do that without criticism?

lakesidesummer · 27/08/2020 13:12

I've told DD she needs to travel and make the most of the freedom whilst she is young. At some point I will not be able to continue, I hope then she steps

While I can understand hoping your dd supports her sibling in the future she really shouldn't have these expectations heaped on her.
Where is her ability to make and grow her own career and family in that.
What happens if she falls in love and wants to settle on the other side of the world?
Or her job involves regular travel?
The practical care of a child shouldn't be left to a sibling, what kind of future is that for them?
Obviously they are going to care for their sibling, check in etc but to ask more would negatively impact their lives.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/08/2020 13:13

I can't help but notice in cultures that care for their elders its always women who make the sacrifices.

GalaxyGirl24 · 27/08/2020 13:14

@Heffalooomia Not at all! And again, it's up to the individual, but I have never felt that I have sacrificed my life to pay it back, and pay it forward. I also think there are much worse things for your children to see than a sense of responsibility and a moderate amount of sacrifice and compromise for the good of the whole family.

I have heavy criticism/distaste for my uncle who does sweet FA to help out with my nana. And I would have less respect for my DH if I knew he didn't step up for his own mum if the time ever comes.

If you want to pursue your own interests, then do it, I am sure any parent would be happy to see you happy (I am referring to a fictional person here) - but similarly, if you are in a position to offer care/support to your parents without massively impacting your life in a bad way then why wouldn't you.

Figgygal · 27/08/2020 13:17

God I’d love to live four hours away from my family and friends but I’m probably 10 hours away and haven’t been home since Christmas with everything that’s gone on this year as we usually fly

Four hours really isn’t that far away okay trips might need a little bit more planning than they do currently but still perfectly feasible to do and considering the vast improvement in your lifestyle they’re being very unreasonable to guilt you out over it

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 27/08/2020 13:24

I will Probably never have another live in partner as it just doesn't work as a carer to DS with SN. As a family you make sacrifices because the vulnerable matter.

I've told DD she needs to travel and make the most of the freedom whilst she is young. At some point I will not be able to continue, I hope then she steps

She is not her mother and it is 100% selfish to expect her to compromise her life to become a carer for your child. She deserves to carve out her own future how she sees fit. What about her desire to have her own family?

Hope she doesn't give up her own life.

OhCaptain · 27/08/2020 13:28

As much as we protect our Neurotypical children and make light of the responsibility, at some point some of that care should fall to you. Even if that's popping the care home once a week and checking their needs are being met.

@Hazelnutlatteplease that is all kinds of wrong and unfair.

Parents choose to have children. With that choice comes the responsibility.

Siblings don’t choose to have siblings.

Telling your child that she should travel etc until the time comes for her to “step up” because of your choices isn’t fair.

Parents, regardless of age and circumstance, shouldn’t expect their children to do anything other than live the lives they want.

Original poster

angelinjelly · 27/08/2020 13:31

Thanks again for all the advice, I'm reading everyone's views and it is helping me to process things and consider different angles. To answer a few questions...

Yes, my DH's parents live in his hometown still. We are currently around a 3 hour drive from them. He has no siblings. So between us, over time we will have sole responsibility for both our sets of parents, my sister, and our sons. Quite a daunting prospect.

I'm not sure my parents do understand the stark financial differences between our current location and our potential new location. I didn't myself until I sat down with a spreadsheet and worked it out. I don't want to say where we would be moving as that level of detail might be too outing. It probably doesn't take a genius to work out that the place we would be moving from is London, though.

We both had happy childhoods and have generally good relationships with our parents, no issues there.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2020 13:34

You should move and do what's best for your family.

AnotherBoredOne · 27/08/2020 13:35

It's ok to move you will make it work with your parents.

Whatthebloodyell · 27/08/2020 13:35

@Hazelnutlatteplease Your post has really depressed me. Your poor daughter! You admit your own life is severely affected by caring for your DS and you are saying to your daughter ‘you’ve got all this to come! No live in partner or moving away for you, you need to come home and take care of your brother’ This is so unfair to her. Her brother is not her responsibility, you need to make your own plans for his future and let her make her own plans for
Her future.

Porridgeoat · 27/08/2020 13:42

Move. You need to make decisions which will give your children and yourselves a better quality of life.

When the parents are elderly and need support they can move into sheltered accommodation near you. Same with the sister and supported accommodation.

corythatwas · 27/08/2020 13:56

The sexism on this thread is quite something.

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