Parents devestated that I want to move away

[angelinjelly]

I currently live 1.5 hours away from my parents. My DH is from a city around 4 hours away. It's significantly cheaper than the city we live in. If we move there we can afford a much better house in good school catchments (we have two sons), we can afford for one of us to go part time, reduce our commute and generally have a much better quality of life.

Where we are currently I feel we are working ourselves into the ground for a fairly mediocre house with mediocre schools. My DH has a network of friends in his home town, both of us should be able to get jobs there relatively easily, it all seemed to make sense.

I recently told my parents and they were absolutely devastated. I knew they'd be upset but their reaction took me by surprise. I'm one of two children, I have a sister who is disabled and lives in sheltered accommodation, they don't expect me to care for her but they were hoping I would be closer in case I am needed in an emergency. My mum also has had a health scare recently. On reflection it was really bad timing of me to tell them now but we want to move before my younger DS starts primary school in order to minimise the disruption. We don't really have any other family.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I am being completely heartless. I didn't realise they would be so upset. My DH is still really keen to move although I know he won't pressure me if I decide I can't do it after all. I feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my family.

You need to prioritise your own childrens needs and as people have pointed out its not like you are living near your parents now.

In an emergency, you can be there in maybe 6 hours. Anything more urgent than that would probably require an ambulance, not a convenient relative.

It might be helpful if you can set them up with various support systems if they need them and can afford it, maybe a weekly cleaner, or someone to collect/deliver their ironing, or one of those medallions where you press it if you have a fall and they send an ambulance - depends how old/frail your parents are.

It would also be good if you could help them to get familiar with video-chatting online or on a mobile phone, so they can see you and your kids.

Other than that kind of preparation, and a willingness to come back fairly often if you can, like once every month or two, there's no reason why you should plan your life around your parents. Feeling independent shows they did a good job.

Bearing in mind Covid, are you sure you and DH can find jobs?

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, you need to do what's best for your family. The only thing i will say is that while your dh will have a network of family and friends when you move, it might be isolating for you, and you might miss your family more than you expect, so basically don't forget your own needs. If it's what you really want, go for it.

I would prefer my adult children not to move too far away from me.

They would never know this if that's what their plan was. I would absolutely want them to do what was right for them and not for me. I think it is wrong for parents to have expectations of their children about where they live.

Going against what most other pps have said: 1 and a half hours = 3 hour round trip and easily done in a day in an emergency but 8 hours isn't. How emotionally close are you to your parents and sibling? How well do you get on with your DH's family and friends?

I would investigate the job situation for both of you fully bearing in mind so many people are being made redundant just now. Good luck whatever you decide.

I moved an 11 hour flight away from my parents, they were happy for me. Your parents sound rather selfish. Put yourself first.

Move.
You are not your parent’s or sister’s carer. You have your own family and life to lead.

Move and invite them to stay. They could end up moving nearer you and moving your sister too, if the houses are so much cheaper there and quality of life is better.

But also, don't expect them to be as available. My DPs moved 8 hours away and seem mystified that I can't drop everything to visit them once a month for a week. I see them once a year now, instead of twice a month. Their choice.

Of course you aren't being heartless. You can't live the next 50 years of your life 'for them'. They made choices for their lives and you must make choices for your life.
I'm a parent of adult dc. Yes, it would be lovely if they all live round the corner in some ways, but I'd rather know they were happy and had the best quality of life they could. If they live 4 hours away, (I'm a 'glass half full person') I'd be telling myself that means I could drive there in only 4 hours, and how lucky I am that they don't live 8 hours away. Or in a different country, or even right around the other side of the world.
Of course you must do what is right for your own family.

Yep. If you were planning to move to the other side of the world you could be looking around 24hrs flight time. 4hrs is pretty good in comparison- particularly with the advantages for your own immediate family with your DH. 🌹

Thank you for the responses, it is really helping. A few themes emerging so I have tried to answer these as best I can below!

Bearing in mind Covid, are you sure you and DH can find jobs?

Yes, I am pretty certain. I appreciate that the current situation makes things more difficult but this genuinely is unlikely to be an issue because of the type of jobs we do. We are very fortunate. My DH could even transfer to another branch of his current organisation in the same role and has already had this approved in principle.

If you stay, you may be closer, but you'll have less time and money overall to help. Over time, that discrepancy will get bigger. By the time your parents really need to call on you - where do you want to be? With a smaller mortgage and more disposable income to help out, or to be able to take more time out? Basically the better YOUR family does financially, the stronger position you will be in to be a good support in the future - whether with time (because you have more because you don't rely on working yourself into the ground to make your own ends meet) or with cash (because you have more of it).

I tried to make this point to them but I don't think they really understood. But I think you're completely right. Because I wouldn't need to work as much (or even at all, to be honest), then even though I'd be further away I actually think it would be easier for me to to help if needed. I could even take a career break for a few years if necessary.

How involved in his family do you think you will be? Is it too much for you?

My DH also has a small family so it would pretty much just be his parents. They're fine, we get on ok. They are definitely not the type to be popping in every day, they're quite introverted.

I would absolutely hate knowing that I could make my parents lives easier and I'm choosing not too. If you're not miserable where you are, the school's aren't awful and you're husband is ok with it, I'd stay.

Yes, I can see this side of things too That's why I feel so guilty. The difference in quality of life is significant though. You mention schools - where we live there is one average (but not terrible, admittedly) secondary school. In the new location we could be in the catchment for some of the best schools in the country or afford private school.

If this is a life-long move for you and they are retired, would they move too? They could also move your sister close by.

They've said this isn't an option for them as too much upheaval for my sister. I think this is probably fair. Getting the place for her in residential care took a huge amount of effort and I am not sure it would even be possible to get a place in the new location.

What about your friendship networks? Are you leaving your community behind while your dh returns to his?

My close friends aren't all living where we live now, they're spread all over the country really. I do have "mum friends" here that I met through playgroup/nursery/school etc but I think they're the type of friends I could make in the new location too.

Speaking as a parent to a disabled child, I think while they hadn't expected you to care for your sister, they probably hoped you would be there to act as next of kin or to support her somehow. It's very frightening to know your child will outlive you of they're vulnerable. Have you explained to your parents the reasons behind the move? Maybe they would be able to help out. I know I would if I could.

I completely understand, and I understand even more now that I'm a parent myself. It's so hard. It's difficult to be a sibling to a disabled person but I appreciate that can never compare to what it's like to be a parent to one.

Financially, the difference is just so stark. We'd be going from having a 30+ year mortgage to being able to pay the mortgage off in less than ten years (and for a bigger, nicer house). They're not badly off but there is no way they could support us to that extent. But maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on money

I would move too. I fully expect my children to move outside of the UK , I will be sad but I would keep that to myself.

You need to do what's right for your family.

What would you say if it was your children and they were saying thus to you?

My friend who lived 4 hours from her parents In one direction and both lived hours from her DB in the other direction, used to meet in the middle sometimes for a day out because as DC get older there are fewer opportunities to meet for weekends without disrupting their lives. Her parents and DB have recently moved to where we live.

You aren't putting too much emphasis on money, you are being sensible about what it means.
It means you have options:
You can work PT now and for ever
You could work FT now and 'retire' v., v., v early
You could not work outside the home at all
You could work FT or PT and take a sabbatical if ever you needed, or wanted to
You will be able to afford things like - a second car so it is easier for you to travel home, or rail tickets, or potentially a bigger house so they can come and stay for a few days every now and then.

People who say money doesn't matter / isn't important are being glib. The better off you are in life, the more choice you have, and the more time you can create for yourself (in terms of paying for services like cleaner or gardener or decorators rather than trying to do all that around working FT and spending time with your sister and your parents as well as meeting your own family needs).

We spent years wanting to move for a better life and being made to feel so guilty by family we didn’t go through with it, we turned down perfect homes and jobs to keep the peace.
We finally did it 4 years ago and it’s the best decision for all of us, for our mental health, financial situation, we have a bigger house and loads more opportunities.
My only regret is that we didn’t do it years ago and put everyone else’s feelings before our happiness.

Move - you have to put your children first. Better lifestyle, better schools.
Have a long conversation with your parents about their concerns, especially about your sister. Do some serious research about possible alternative sheltered accommodation in the new area so that your parents know you will always look out for her if they become incapacitated. If there's no alternative work out how you might be able to provide some support.

I don’t really understand why they’d be so upset, it’s not like you’re a stones throw away now. 1&hf hours takes just as much planning as 4

I’ve recently moved closer to mine because the long journey for the increasingly frequent hospitalisations and other crises was too difficult.

I live the better part of a day from my parents, in another country.

I moved to my DHs village after living for 22 of my adult years in another village 120 kms away. I have found it absolutely impossible to make friends here. None of our teens go to the (mediocre) local schools.

Can you rent before you buy to see what it's really like to live there. My worry would be that you don't like it and can't then afford to get back to where you were.

But they're choosing not to make your and their GC lives easier and better. And you've more living left to do than them. It works both ways.
We should all plan our elderly years without assuming family will be willing or able to jump to. There's very little help that can't be paid for.

I haven’t lived in the same country — or at times on the same side of the world — as my parents for almost 30 years. We’re still close. I fully expect my eight year old not to live in the same country as I do when he’s an adult, and I’ve made it plain I certainly don’t expect him to hover about because of where I choose to live.

I will get shit for this but we always lived several 100 miles from DGF and it made it easier in most ways when he became ill because we couldn't be bullied into doing his personal care. It was logistically harder to arrange things but it meant adult social care didn't have an excuse not to arrange appropriate help for him.

I would do it, but with the following caveat: you've planned for the finances of remaining married, but have you planned for the finances and social reality of divorce?

You would he surrounded by his friends and family. They could easily come to dominate your own socialising. You go part time - what does that mean for pension, your own employability should you suddenly need full time work? Are you legally married? How will ownership in the new house be structured? Will you have cash savings in your own bank account which you could use if needed?

Financially it makes sense to go. But do think "is this a place I could be happy living for the next 18 years, even after a nasty divorce?". Relocation with children is not guaranteed. Ensure you fully pay a pension - over pay even, to match your DH's. Ensure you jointly own the home. Ensure that you retain a mortgage capacity. Ensure you have an income and ensure that you make your own friends - friends who are entirely independent of him so there are no issues with sides taken or faux "neutrality" if you ever need their help. Claim child benefit in your name - even if extra tax is payable. If you go through a period of not working, you'll need that for the government contribution to your pension.

Just be careful. This move does make financial sense to the family, but many women who have made decisions for the financial best of the family have found later that it was to their own great financial detriment. Many have also deeply regretted moving to find themselves surrounded by their husband's family.

And it does sound like your parents intended you to be carer to your sibling, even if their words say differently.

Their choices do not bind you. You need to live your own life.