Parents devestated that I want to move away

[angelinjelly]

I currently live 1.5 hours away from my parents. My DH is from a city around 4 hours away. It's significantly cheaper than the city we live in. If we move there we can afford a much better house in good school catchments (we have two sons), we can afford for one of us to go part time, reduce our commute and generally have a much better quality of life.

Where we are currently I feel we are working ourselves into the ground for a fairly mediocre house with mediocre schools. My DH has a network of friends in his home town, both of us should be able to get jobs there relatively easily, it all seemed to make sense.

I recently told my parents and they were absolutely devastated. I knew they'd be upset but their reaction took me by surprise. I'm one of two children, I have a sister who is disabled and lives in sheltered accommodation, they don't expect me to care for her but they were hoping I would be closer in case I am needed in an emergency. My mum also has had a health scare recently. On reflection it was really bad timing of me to tell them now but we want to move before my younger DS starts primary school in order to minimise the disruption. We don't really have any other family.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I am being completely heartless. I didn't realise they would be so upset. My DH is still really keen to move although I know he won't pressure me if I decide I can't do it after all. I feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my family.

If your DP's don't understand the financial difference I would start the conversation there.
It really is a huge difference.
I would also highlight that you love them and will always try and support them.

Bringing dc up in London is a significant challenge in terms or housing and schooling. My MIL lives in London but understands why we haven't chosen to bring our dc up there, although we all live visiting her.

The move is best for you and your family, so you should go for it. Your parents will get used to the idea, it's just come as a shock to them. But it isn't as if you live all that close to them anyway, so in practice it won't make much difference on a day to day basis.

And your parents can move, as can your brother, if they want to be nearer to you. I have a brother who isn't able to live an independent life, so I understand where you're all coming from.

But it really has to be about what's best for your immediate family, and that part is a no brainer.

@corythatwas I haven't seen much sexism on this thread? Just people that have opinions about having a responsibility of care to their families. Family isn't just who you give birth to/marry as a previous poster said. My parents are and will always be part of my family and I would treat them as that and try and give everyone as much as I can so we can all enjoy a happy life together.

Like I said, I expect the same of male/female children in terms of care towards family.
I would never make my children feel guilty for doing what makes them happy, but at the same time I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with instilling a sense of responsibility into them! And not just for caring roles, but also for responsibility towards themselves/their own health/their families and behaviour/their community.

If your post isn't aimed at my views then apologies.

Galaxy, the OP has already explained that the dh's parents live in the town they are now proposing to move to. On other words, the dh already moved away from them years ago. Yet nobody has suggested that there was a problem with that or that he didn't owe the same gratitude to his parents as the OP owes to hers.

Instead, everybody (including yourself) are talking about the plan to move back to the man's parents as if the OP and her dh were now choosing to ignore family ties and family responsibilities.

There has been a lot of moralising about how modern children don't show proper gratitude to their parents- but it's all about the woman, isn't it? Nobody seems to notice that the man is just as much the child of his parents.

This is the sexism I was referring to: the assumption that family ties are primarily a thing for women to think about.

The thing which strikes me from your post is that This move is centred around what is going to be best for your DH and your DC but what about you?

Other than a bigger house, am I guessing you’re going to be the one who works part time to look after the kids? And your DH will have his family and his friends while you will have to start over again.

And starting out with a new group of mummy friends is vastly different when you move to a new town. Those groups will already be established, a lot of those parents will have put their kids through preschool together, even have attended the same antenatal and post-natal groups, and you’ll be coming in as an outsider, you won’t be an established member of that group, and you may not be accepted.

I’m not going to say anything about your parents and your sister other than the fact that as your parents only have one child who is capable of living independently, it must be immensely difficult for them to see that child move so far away from them, but that’s just an opinion on why they are likely so upset.

But I do think you need to think very hard about whether you’re moving for all of you or whether you’re doing it for your DH and the kids. Because what you feel is also important. You’ll be starting over. Nothing will change for him apart from his address.

And I was struck by the fact you said you will have to choose between your family and your marriage. That sounds like there are potentially issues there if you don’t want to do as your DH asks.

FWIW I’ve been there. I moved because my DH pointed out that it would be better for him (he was commuting and didn’t want to any more,) and better for the DC as there were better schools. I was a SAHM so I moved away from a town where I was known, where my family lived, where I had connections at the school and so on, to somewhere where I knew nobody and the school mum cliques were already established. And for my DH the only thing which changed was his address, and the fact he didn’t have such a long commute to work.

We’re divorced now, and I’m stuck in that town because moving back would have been selfish towards my DC and the relationship with their dad.

If things don’t work out with DH for any reason, do you see yourself living there permanently? Four hours away from all your family and friends? Friends which likely won’t be there any more within six months purely because friendships are fluid that way....

Do think further than the financial implications and the benefits to your DH, and the pressure which your parents are putting on you. This is about you as well....

Do what is best for you and your family, you have to look after your own little family. Please don't feel like you can't move or feel guilty.

@corythatwas It's not all about the woman at all? It so happens that OP is female posting (I have presumed this, happy to be corrected) and so people are giving their opinions based on her side and also I imagine a lot of the posters on here are women and are giving their views. Nothing wrong with being a woman who also does want to take on care roles.

And actually, @NoCauseRebel has highlighted a really interesting point about the future that if things don't work out, would OP be happy in this hometown and that she maybe needs to consider just her needs now/future and have that clear conversation with her partner. Good point NoCauseRebel.

Corythatwas, I have precisely said that I expect the same of male/female children in terms of caring responsibilities and I am not sure where you have misunderstood this but that is my clear view. Men should NOT be off the hook from major care roles like this. I have also given my view that the compromise would be that they live in an equally distanced place between both sets of parents but that is just my view....

I have also made it clear that I expect the same from my DH towards my/his parents and I would reciprocate this. It is hard to get this across without it seeming sexist, but all I can say is that myself and DH have very equal roles in helping and I wouldn't expect him to want anything of me that he isn't happy to do himself in terms of care for a parent/child! (Bar the obvious things that he physically cannot do such as childbirth/breastfeeding ....but that's a different thread!)

When I read this thread I so wish we were like families used to be and could all afford to live and prosper in the places we grew up with the support we had from cradle to grave.

You cannot help someone else until you fit your own oxygen mask first, so to speak.

This is so, so true.

Move, OP. Fine of them to be upset about timing etc, but the fact is that you need to put yourself and your children's needs first - elderly parents and a disabled sister don't get priority over your own needs/your kids. You're clearly thinking of them, which is good,but you cannot place them above other people's needs.

I speak as the children of this situation (parents raising me in a poor area because they were expected to care for elderly parents, when I was small, then it grew into another elderly grandparent when i was a teen, then another as I went off to university... in other words, in my entire childhood i probably had about a year in fragments where we children got to be the priority... elderly care dominated my entire childhood, not being able to bring friends round due to strangers unsettling my grandma, sneaking into the house after school and having to be quiet as grandad was sleeping, nights and evenings taken up with paid carers helping them to eat and bathe, and so on... weekends dictated not by going to the park, but an increasingly frail set of grandparents who wanted driving everywhere and going to the hospital appointments etc...honestly, it was completely unfair on us kids.)

@Whatthebloodyell

I love the sentiment. But its so narrow minded. Good care is hard to get and expensive. Even in sheltered housing abuse of those with SN or elder abuse is rife. I have no intention, even if DS did become eligible for supported living, of not being there to keep an eye on him for as long as humanly possible. Thankfully DD has been taught to care for others so she is highly unlikely not to factor DS into her plans. With proper planning she will be in a much better position than I was.

This isn't about Male/Female and without the SN element, Id be saying move the patents can move too if they want. Moving might still be possible, but moving without any thought of the impact on the wider family and being surprised that someone might cry, nah that to me is just thoughtless.

You need to do whats right for you.
What is the support network like where you are moving to? Do you have friends and family there, as your dh has?
It's not easy moving so far away from home, especially if you don't know anyone.
I thought I'd make friends/ acquaintances at school, I had a shock. depending where you are moving to, people always aren't so welcoming.

You cannot help someone else until you fit your own oxygen mask first, so to speak.

Absolutely. However I'd have trouble wearing mine if wearing mine meant pulling off other people's.

Your oxygen mask is your own, if wearing it means pulling off someone else's then their mask needs serious readjustment.
No ones mask should be impeding another person's ability to breathe.
No one should be made to think that they shouldn't get their own mask sorted first.
Dutiful self sacrifice, usually by women, usually doing caring roles should be left in the Victorian era.

@Hazelnutlatteplease I agree with this, the sentiment that everyone should be free to live their lives as a separate entity and in isolation with their own decisions is lovely. BUT as you say, if wearing my oxygen mask meant someone I cared for didn't have theirs on properly and suffered, I would be heartbroken.

I agree people should have the right and freedom without guilt to live where they want, but what strikes me a lot of the time REGARDLESS OF GENDER/SEX is that people want all of their rights with none of the responsibilities.

@sunshinesupermum

When I read this thread I so wish we were like families used to be and could all afford to live and prosper in the places we grew up with the support we had from cradle to grave.

You mean the good ol' 'used to be' with women doing all the donkey work of 'care' and the grave didn't often involve 20+ years of increasingly poor health and possibly dementia?

@lakesidesummer But how do you prevent someone else's mask from impeding yours if you are linked to that person? (I am genuinely curious to know!)

Also, I second the poster who mentioned that getting good care is not always easy. Does that mean that everyone should give up their lives to care for others - NOPE it doesn't as society and the economy would not function! But if you can care a bit to make a loved ones life easier, and can also access support from elsewhere, then surely that's the best case scenario where possible. And I say where possible as it isn't always possible, there are some people who HAVE to leave their families.

Also I am seriously struck by how a lot of posters seem to think that those who feel that family should care for one another to a reasonable extent, (not the extent of dedicating your whole life and suffering for it), are sexist and want only women to do this.

We are in 2020. There is a way forward to have care roles that don't rely solely on women, especially in the UK.

As I have said throughout this post, I expect the same of my DH and Dad in terms of caring as I do from my sister and mum. And everyone comes together and delivers this using their own strengths to support! I am getting the feeling that I am very lucky though based on previous posters feelings, and I recognise that yes - a lot of care does still fall to women. But it doesn't have to. We are raising a next generation of men, and will hopefully as each generation passes, rectify some of this inequity of care!

But if you can care a bit to make a loved ones life easier, and can also access support from elsewhere, then surely that's the best case scenario where possible.

I think you have answered your own question @GalaxyGirl24.

Sometime ago I worked for a learning disability charity in their homes section. I witnessed a lot of families stuck in FOG. In reality when adult dc were placed into formal caring situations the reality was much better than they anticipated.
But often the move was made much later than was ideal.
Calling in check to relative, doing a Skype call, checking in with carers all help without meaning you have to significantly change your own life.
Added to which anything might happen to one person meaning they aren't able to have a caring role and then alternative arrangements would always be made.
I know a lot of pressure is put on families from social care to provide care but people without families are given care so I don't think women and it is usually women, should be emotionally blackmailed into providing this either by the Sate or other family members.

usually doing caring roles should be left in the Victorian era.

How do you propose we deal with the increasingly unaffordable social care budget?

The most vulnerable in society should be happy just to exist, as long as I'm living my best life right.

This isn't about male or female, it's about having a responsibility to your fellow human not just yourself.

Increasingly women are choosing not to have children.
The future of elder care cannot rely on dutiful daughters ( or sons)
There needs to be a sensible national social care plan.
We are living longer having produced fewer dependents.
Some kind of taxation or insurance plan will need to be created, with support for those cannot pay into it.
It isn't about just focusing on yourself it is about finding a sensible balance for modern society.

Yes, my DH's parents live in his hometown still. We are currently around a 3 hour drive from them. He has no siblings. So between us, over time we will have sole responsibility for both our sets of parents, my sister, and our sons. Quite a daunting prospect.

But your top priority is your own family now, ie you, Dh and your sons. I have lived in different places, I am a trailing spouse (curse Dh and his amazing skills) and we have lived a fair distance from our families who just so happen to live in the same town but miles apart.

We moved nearer to them, not because that was our goal but jobs were plentiful in the new area, housing was much cheaper than where we were and we were 2 hours closer to family. This move saw me going from working part time to being a SAHM.

We moved again years later for an incredible secondary school, a mere 3 miles from where we were but into the catchment area, a different town and much cheaper housing again, meaning we could upsize our house significantly. We have been here over a decade.

Living near parents just in case they need you is ridiculous. They could live for decades needing no care and you put your life on hold. You have to do what is best for you, now. That means moving for a better work/life balance, more money in your pocket. Don't underestimate that day to day change.

FWIW my Grandad who I gained when I met Dh lived until he was almost 90, needed no care, no help, nothing. He had a cleaner come in twice a week, made all his own meals, attended college classes for a lark, and was spritely until he died.

@Hazelnutlatteplease It sounds like you didn’t raise your daughter to be a caring person, but to carry enough guilt and obligation to become her sibling’s carer. That’s not the same thing and it’s grossly unfair.

Now if/when she cares for him it will be because you’ve drilled that obligation into her.

So ultimately you decided that she would shoulder some of the responsibility for your choices and decisions.

You have an obligation to do what is best for you and your family.
I would move.

And I would also get a job, too, even though you say you won't need one if you move. Sock that money away for your future; all of it straight into savings. Live on your DH's salary since that seems possible. You will be so happy you did down the line.

Your sister is not your responsibility. If your parents want or need your support, they will have to move, too, if that's acceptable to you. They can start looking to move her as well ... it may take a few years, but that works in the grand scheme of things, no?

This isn't about male or female, it's about having a responsibility to your fellow human not just yourself.

That's why you see so many men tying themselves in knots over moving away from their parents to benefit their own families (we have a responsibility towards the fellow humans we bring into this world, too), staging their career/jobs around possible care duties, etc. . Oh, wait . . .

@lakesidesummer

Whilst I think you are quite definitely right and the role of care or supported living can be invaluable. I don't personally think that the caring role ends at that point. I have a fantastic respect for care homes that work, but not all do and not for all people. Regularly checking in on a resident can absolutely essential to spotting when things aren't working. I also worry for the future of care unless we fund care properly.

10 years ago when i first had contact with social services the attitude was quite definitely, it's best for your child to be living semi independently from you as they hit adulthood. But that's expensive and nowadays we are hearing a very different rhetoric. Family care is cheap. Good quality professional care is expensive. Long term i think it will most likely to be focussed on Alzheimer's and serious behavioural difficulties. I dont think it will be easy to obtain supported living for those needs that can be catered for adequately within the home environment.

That's no comment on the rights or wrongs of both approaches. They both have merit.