Parents devestated that I want to move away

[angelinjelly]

I currently live 1.5 hours away from my parents. My DH is from a city around 4 hours away. It's significantly cheaper than the city we live in. If we move there we can afford a much better house in good school catchments (we have two sons), we can afford for one of us to go part time, reduce our commute and generally have a much better quality of life.

Where we are currently I feel we are working ourselves into the ground for a fairly mediocre house with mediocre schools. My DH has a network of friends in his home town, both of us should be able to get jobs there relatively easily, it all seemed to make sense.

I recently told my parents and they were absolutely devastated. I knew they'd be upset but their reaction took me by surprise. I'm one of two children, I have a sister who is disabled and lives in sheltered accommodation, they don't expect me to care for her but they were hoping I would be closer in case I am needed in an emergency. My mum also has had a health scare recently. On reflection it was really bad timing of me to tell them now but we want to move before my younger DS starts primary school in order to minimise the disruption. We don't really have any other family.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I am being completely heartless. I didn't realise they would be so upset. My DH is still really keen to move although I know he won't pressure me if I decide I can't do it after all. I feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my family.

That's why you see so many men tying themselves in knots over moving away from their parents to benefit their own families (we have a responsibility towards the fellow humans we bring into this world, too), staging their career/jobs around possible care duties, etc. hmm. Oh, wait . . .

I quite agree. But that doesn't mean we should take the stereotypical worst bits of being a man as a model of how we as women should live.

@OhCaptain

Who else is going to be his carer when i am dead and buried? Whether that's welcoming him into her home or checking in on him in institutional care. I damn well hope if she does abandon him to live "her best life" without a second thought she does feel guilt.

she would shoulder some of the responsibility for your choices and decisions.
Yes i absolutely did choose to have a child with SN.🤣🤣🙄

Move.

Who else is going to be his carer when i am dead and buried? Whether that's welcoming him into her home or checking in on him in institutional care. I damn well hope if she does abandon him to live "her best life" without a second thought she does feel guilt.

What if she dies first? It happens. Or becomes disabled herself? Or has her own child or spouse with SN?

[quote Hazelnutlatteplease]@lakesidesummer

Whilst I think you are quite definitely right and the role of care or supported living can be invaluable. I don't personally think that the caring role ends at that point. I have a fantastic respect for care homes that work, but not all do and not for all people. Regularly checking in on a resident can absolutely essential to spotting when things aren't working. I also worry for the future of care unless we fund care properly.

10 years ago when i first had contact with social services the attitude was quite definitely, it's best for your child to be living semi independently from you as they hit adulthood. But that's expensive and nowadays we are hearing a very different rhetoric. Family care is cheap. Good quality professional care is expensive. Long term i think it will most likely to be focussed on Alzheimer's and serious behavioural difficulties. I dont think it will be easy to obtain supported living for those needs that can be catered for adequately within the home environment.

That's no comment on the rights or wrongs of both approaches. They both have merit.[/quote]
Care at home only works well with willing and able carers. You can't bully someone into being a good carer.

Who else is going to be his carer when i am dead and buried?

Someone that you’ve put into place because that’s your job.

It’s horrible that you talk about your daughter ‘abandoning’ him if she chooses a life somewhere else.

What if she dies first? It happens. Or becomes disabled herself? Or has her own child or spouse with SN?

I'm not sure how much value there is on dealing with the what ifs. If noone is left DS well have to fend for himself within the system as best he can, but i hope for his sake that never happens. We do come from a family who do care so if be amazed if there was no one. There's a family trust to support his finances/housing if i die, so through that there's three other trustees/Family members who have all agreed to take a responsibility.

And actually this thread has been about the downsides of caring for someone. It can be incredibly rewarding as well.

All this is a bit of a departure from the OP though.

The Ops sister is seemingly happy in supported living. The OP was surprised her moving could have a wider impact. That's not to say you shouldn't do it but i do believe in considering the wider impact

Oh wow. I'm in my early sixties. I was the child who was brought up expected to look after my disabled sibling. A sibling who lived at home with my parents until my parents were in their nineties. I couldn't ever have a career, worked part time and spent decades feeling guilty at having my own life. Never able to leave the area because I was the rock to my elderly parents and sibling. I've had a life wracked with guilt about the situation.

Go OP. Live your own life. Don't get to where I am in life.

Someone that you’ve put into place because that’s your job.

And who do you think is best for that job? Someone on minimum wage with no natural tie to him. Or someone who does care for him naturally?

Please remember that caring can have many different shapes and forms from full time care to keeping an eye on paid professional care.

Who else is going to be his carer when i am dead and buried? Whether that's welcoming him into her home or checking in on him in institutional care. I damn well hope if she does abandon him to live "her best life" without a second thought she does feel guilt.

What if she dies first? It happens. Or becomes disabled herself? Or has her own child or spouse with SN?

All these. I felt a good deal of pressure to take MIL (whom I loved dearly) into our home, and so did her other DIL. MIL at that time needed heavy lifting (neither of our homes was large enough for a fully mechanical hoist) and could not be left alone in the house.

Shortly after MIL had moved into her lovely nursing home DIL was diagnosed with breast cancer. As for me, my dd was disabled and had a range of illnesses which needed medical attention. If I had been guilted into becoming MILs carer, I would have had to give up on any treatment for dd: I could not have taken her to her doctor's appointments or sat with her in hospital; I could also never have gone to visit my own parents. And a few years later, I had a prolapse which also meant I would have been unable to lift or wash her.

Of course I wanted MIL looked after. But we looked around and managed to find an arrangement that met her needs without leaving dd stranded. It was our job to keep looking until we found a solution that didn't hinge on one person never being ill or having other caring needs.

Note that the OP is not proposing to abandon her sister altogether and relocate to Mars. She is proposing a solution that would still allow her to visit her sister on a day trip or for a weekend. 4 hrs each way is totally doable.

As for the OP and the settling-halfway solution, we don't know that dh can get a job in a town halfway between the two: what they are talking about is one specific relocation offer, jobs are hardly going to be plentiful in the near future.

Don't confuse them having emotions about news that is a shock to them, with them not being able to come to terms with the decision and their emotions, which they will. You cannot be expected to make all your life plans based on your parents and sister. You are not withdrawing anything, it's just they probably felt in their minds that you would play a certain role in caring in the future.

MIL at that time needed heavy lifting (neither of our homes was large enough for a fully mechanical hoist) and could not be left alone in the house.

Seeing her into the right place that meets her need is caring.

And who do you think is best for that job? Someone on minimum wage with no natural tie to him. Or someone who does care for him naturally?

@Hazelnutlatteplease
The point is that it shouldn’t be assumed that the obligation should fall to the sibling.

That’s why OP should move and why you should allow your dd to have a life free from that sort of pressure, guilt, and obligation.

Read @chngenameagain post and then ask yourself why you are actively doing that to your dd.

I don't think there is one size fits all solution for any caring situation.
Who else is going to be his carer when i am dead and buried?
I do absolutely believe that this situation should be sorted out well before a current carer is dead and buried.
A sensible alternative care solution should be found well before it has to be and absolutely shouldn't be handed onto a sibling.
Both dc you are raising need to be able to able to live their best lives not just one.

That said OP's parents have found a workable future proof solution so she doesn't have to stay and step into this parental role.

@OhCaptain

Yeah theres a big assumption. I've told DD to get on a travel young and get herself into a decent career so she has more options and choices. Not really the same.🤣🤣🤣

Although no one who is expecting their dc to care for another dc has mentioned it I also wouldn't discount the role guilt might play in your parents reaction OP.
Guilt that they were passing a caring burden onto to you and they don't feel comfortable enough with that to discuss this more openly. Because even with your dsis being in accommodation she is likely to require more of a parental role from you in the future rather than a sibling one.
It does fall into the life isn't fair category.

Totally agree lakesidesummer

[quote Hazelnutlatteplease]@OhCaptain

Yeah theres a big assumption. I've told DD to get on a travel young and get herself into a decent career so she has more options and choices. Not really the same.🤣🤣🤣[/quote]
More options and choices for what? So she can take time off to care for her brother?

What if she doesn’t want to travel young? What if she wants to travel when she’s 40? She just...can’t?

I don’t know why you keep laughing. You’re acting like she was bred to be a carer. All I’m saying is that both children should matter equally. And if dd’s happiness is important then it’s on you to put a care plan into place so she doesn’t feel obligated to do it. So that she’s free to live whatever life she wants and not the one you want so she can be a carer.

@angelinjelly if anything, I hope Hazelnut’s posts on here encourage you to move. Because even if they haven’t vocalised it there’s every chance that this was their expectation for you and that’s not fair on you, your DH, or your dc!

Seeing her into the right place that meets her need is caring.

In that case, I don't see the relevance for the OP: her dsis is already in a place that meets her needs, and the OP is only proposing to move to a place close enough for visits.

i don't know.
i;d have done anything for my parents.
wish i still could.

I've told DD to get on a travel young

Careful you don't shoot yourself in the foot: what if she falls in love with a gorgeous Aussie farmer who is helping his aging parents, hmmm?

I've seen so many examples of people who became ill from the stress of caring for frail elderly, my parents were able to enjoy their retirements after their's helpfully popped off quickly in their mid 70's
I want a retirement at least as happy as my parents had, I'm only just out of supporting my own children, it's meeeee time all the way now

Just to add the other perspective

I have the example of my Grandad who happily lived in a granny annex until the day he died.

My mum cared for my grandparents. They came on holidays regularly with us.

My parents helped my lovely great aunt after her daughter died. Sorted out her move to her last home and then helped her get a decent nursing home. Then remained close enough to have spotted a friend stealing from her. All while her granddaughter saw her 3 times a year cos she was too busy.

They had an awesome life. But they never stop caring about family.

@hazelnutlatteplease I completely understand where you are coming from. I have both a DC and brother who are not neurotypical. It would absolutely never enter my mind not to factor my DB into future plans. I don't know what care he may need in the future, and our parents are thankfully still young and healthy, but he is very much part of my future thinking. I can't really get my head around it somehow being ok to disregard what he may need because it might inconvenience me. It seems a small price to pay.
I also feel that sense of absolute dread thinking about what the future may hold for my DC, and what will become of him after I die. The thought of him spending his life around people who are paid to care for him, rather than people who actually love him, is heartbreaking.
Sorry to derail your thread OP. Each situation is unique, and you need to balance all the different factors in your decision. Sounds very tricky!!