Parents devestated that I want to move away

[angelinjelly]

I currently live 1.5 hours away from my parents. My DH is from a city around 4 hours away. It's significantly cheaper than the city we live in. If we move there we can afford a much better house in good school catchments (we have two sons), we can afford for one of us to go part time, reduce our commute and generally have a much better quality of life.

Where we are currently I feel we are working ourselves into the ground for a fairly mediocre house with mediocre schools. My DH has a network of friends in his home town, both of us should be able to get jobs there relatively easily, it all seemed to make sense.

I recently told my parents and they were absolutely devastated. I knew they'd be upset but their reaction took me by surprise. I'm one of two children, I have a sister who is disabled and lives in sheltered accommodation, they don't expect me to care for her but they were hoping I would be closer in case I am needed in an emergency. My mum also has had a health scare recently. On reflection it was really bad timing of me to tell them now but we want to move before my younger DS starts primary school in order to minimise the disruption. We don't really have any other family.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I am being completely heartless. I didn't realise they would be so upset. My DH is still really keen to move although I know he won't pressure me if I decide I can't do it after all. I feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my family.

Do what is right for you and your family OP. If you don't and let your DPs guilt you into staying where you are you'll resent it over time. I can understand their disappointment, but not the way they've made you feel. You're an adult now with your own life and while they will always be part of it your primary concerns are for your own family situation. If your DSis is settled in residential care that actually makes your proximity less important, so that's good. You will be the one doing the visiting though, so I hope you don't mind driving 4 hours on a semi-regular basis.

I am in two minds on this. It definitely sounds like you would have a better standard of life by moving away. However, having done similar years ago (we were about 2.5 hours away) it became a total nightmare when my PIL's became older and had lots of health issues. We were up and down the motorway all the time. If they were in hospital DH often used to have to stay overnight and take time off work. After my FIL had a seizure both PILs ended up in separate care homes due to different needs and every week we visited them and it took over a huge amount of our lives.

Your quality of life sounds like it would be SO much better if you move. Paying off the mortgage in 10 years? Absolutely move! If your parents can't see that this is right for you then they're mad.

Honestly - the extra 2.5hrs in the car is not going to stop you travelling when you both need and want to, and in an emergency you're too far away where you are now anyway.

Move, 100% move.

My parents like 5 mins away and once I wanted to move half an hour a way and they were too upset so I stayed for them but funny thing is they hardly visit anyway!!

If I was your parent I'd be upset too.
Having said that, it would be my problem not yours.

Move

Your husband and your children are your primary family now
I agree with this but many people of my parents generation seem to feel that they should have the primary position in the lives of their adult children

Those posters saying OP has to think of her parents- have we established that her dh doesn't have parents nearer to his hometown? (from her post it seems as if he might have)

Is there a rule to say girls must stay close to their parents to be on call but boys don't owe anything to their parents?

We had this discussion when dh and I had to decide which country to live in. Don't know how many times I have pointed out to various people that the only fair decision here would have been if we'd taken up position on an oil platform in the North Sea. Since the family claims were completely evenly balanced, the only thing we could do was to consider other factors, namely jobs, personal preference, and any children.

We should all plan our elderly years without assuming family will be willing or able to jump to. There's very little help that can't be paid for
I agree with this.... so often we find out that our parents have made plans but those plans include us and we have not been consulted 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your parents sound very selfish - if you were my child I would be very pleased for you and my grand children and the greater prospects / life for you all!

I want my children to go forth and flourish, extend themselves into the world
I don't want to cling to them and guilt trip them into being by my side forever

I agree with @MrsSchrute - it may be the unpopular opinion but I feel that if you've had a good upbringing and your parents have done everything they can to care for you and give you good opportunities growing up, then there is a responsibility to reciprocate in some way as they get older. I lived a few hours away from my parents and DH parents when we were early 20's but moved home around mid 20's and have been home for a couple of years now. My sister has also lived away from home but is currently within an hours distance. My mum cares for my nana, and me and my sister help out with this as well. I'd hate to think my mum has to cope with all of the stress of that alone, and would hate to think of my parents feeling left alone in their old age (they aren't old yet) and away from their grandchildren (first grandchild due any time now from me). They would never, and have never, made us feel bad for moving away and have always encouraged travel but I feel there isn't enough emphasis in the UK on caring for elderly relatives as there is in other countries/cultures and I do feel we should have a bit more responsibility for it as they gave everything for us in early life...however that is just my view and my exception is if you've had a difficult/abusive/traumatic childhood due to your parents in which case I'm not sure you owe them much at all!

My mother is grief for moving a 40 min drive away instead of ten. It’s really affected our relationship. I see her as very selfish, as I have two siblings close by and I’m still close too.

I don’t have a sibling needing care Though. What kind of care will be needed? They will be fretting about after they go who will visit but surely you could promise to move sibling closer to where you are moving to?

My dad became ill a few years ago. I wanted to move back , my DH didn't want to so we didn't. 4 years on I have yet to reconcile myself to that decision.

Goodness, lots of judgement here for your parents! I don't think you are wrong to want to move at all, but it sounds as if you rather sprung this on your parents, when they have managed to get your disabled sister into appropriate accommodation, had a health scare and had probably been saying "Thank goodness angel is only 1.5 hours away, so that in an emergency, we know that she could help out . . ."

Without realising how much reassurance they had from that, you have pulled the rug a little and their response was probably partly a panicked one.

It's not wrong to move for your family, but you can probably do a lot to reassure your parents. No, you won't be able to be there in a jiffy if needed, but you would be able to help out when needed and arrangements can be made if they need someone to help out in a short-term emergency.

(I've had 10+ years of experience as an only child with parents with complex medical needs and three other elderly relatives who have little or no other support. If you need to pm me to chat about what would help, I am very happy to talk about strategies for reassurance and practical support. I would, for example, try never leave an elderly person without support in A and E. If I can't be there, my experience is that having a letter to hand to the consultant,, which outlines the key issues, with dates and other key information saves a mass of misunderstanding. Keeping a second copy of that letter so that when they are transferred to a ward and the letter is left in A and E also saves time and distress.

It's also very very valuable to find a carer/friend who might be available to pop in for half an hour a week, at minimum cost, whilst they are OK. When things start to go wrong, that person is known and trusted by them and can be used to offer alternative support, if needed.

HTH

it may be the unpopular opinion but I feel that if you've had a good upbringing and your parents have done everything they can to care for you and give you good opportunities growing up, then there is a responsibility to reciprocate in some way as they get older

Does this mean people can only ever marry other people whose parents live in the same place as their own parents?

I'm sorry but i really feel for your parents. I speak as the mum of a teen with SN

You have a sibling who needs life long care. As much as we protect our Neurotypical children and make light of the responsibility, at some point some of that care should fall to you. Even if that's popping the care home once a week and checking their needs are being met.

Do you ever intend to help out if you are permanently moving such a long distance away? Do you expect your parents to be able to continue indefinitely?

In a society where care provision is being cut to the barest bone and BJ has stated the expectation is that family will do more, can you really afford to be so entirely selfish?

Let's be honest - you're already 1.5 hrs away so the type of 'emergency' you can effectively help with is already restricted. You're not going to be able to help with a blocked drain or an overflowing washing machine. If one of your parents falls over and needs help getting up, you currently can't help. If they called you know about any of these, you'd be saying call a plumber, call an ambulance. With 2 small children to care for you're hardly in a position to drop everything and drive 1.5hrs to sort out a leaking toilet. (sorry I seem to have water based emergencies on the brain). You're too far away currently to call in for a quick cup of tea on the way home from work.

Do you see where I coming from with this - moving another 2.5 hrs away isn't going to change what you currently can do.
You owe your children the best start in life you can give them - better schools, nicer home, a parent at home when they get in from school.

Move. You'll regret it if you don't and you still won't be able to help with emergencies or have that quick cup of tea. There is never a good time to tell people about a big change like this so don't beat yourself up on that.

Does this mean people can only ever marry other people whose parents live in the same place as their own parents?

I will Probably never have another live in partner as it just doesn't work as a carer to DS with SN. As a family you make sacrifices because the vulnerable matter.

I've told DD she needs to travel and make the most of the freedom whilst she is young. At some point I will not be able to continue, I hope then she steps up.

The OP by this move is making it very clear that the welfare of her sibling at by extension her parents doesnt mean a lot.

I think that gives her parents every right to be upset.

Can't speak for everyone but I'd be really sad if my DD felt she had to limit her life for mine or DHs benefit.

@corythatwas Of course not, anyone can live wherever they want. However, what I was saying is that in my opinion there is a lot less emphasis on caring for family which I do see as a responsibility. I realise I am lucky to have met someone whose family is in the same town as mine. If I am honest though, it makes me sad to think that my parents sacrificed a lot for me and my sister to give us a good life and that I wouldn't be able to reciprocate. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I moved away and they got sick/died and I wasn't there to be with them and show them the love they showed me BUT that is just my opinion and my feelings. I believe in freedom of movement and doing what is right for you but also have a strong sense of family responsibility if you are able.

If you've had a good upbringing in your parents have done everything they can to care for you
This sounds reasonable but... What I see is situations where the parents believe they have done nothing wrong but the children feel very damaged by their upbringing

But GalaxyGirl, this isn't about family responsibility v personal freedom. As far as I can understand, there are two sets of parents living, one in their current location, one in the dp's hometown. (please correct me if I'm wrong, OP)

Presenting this as a choice between responsibility and non- responsibility seems totally disingenuous. Unless you intend to argue that only girls have the responsibility to be grateful to their parents for raising them. And then I think there's another word I'd be inclined to use for that.

(Incidentally, in many of the traditional cultures people seem to be referencing with approval, it is far more common for the DIL to move in with her ILs and be responsible for them.)

My parents sacrificed a lot for me and my sister
and you should make similar sacrifices for your children but you cannot make sacrifices for your children and for your parent, you cannot pay it back and pay it forward
Your parents did not have to pay it back to such an extent because people didn't live as long, more specifically they did not have extended periods at the end of their life were they required 24/7 care
we cannot give our children the best start in life whilst also paying back our parents for the sacrifices they made
We cannot pay it back and pay it forward

Where are the posters berating the OPs dh for having been so selfish and irresponsible as to have moved away from his parents?

Go for it.
I wish I had, I am only 20 miles from my parents but I have been the one to do all the visiting. My sisters live within 5 minutes drive of them.
Wish I’d moved miles away and only visited a couple of times a year.