Parents devestated that I want to move away

[angelinjelly]

I currently live 1.5 hours away from my parents. My DH is from a city around 4 hours away. It's significantly cheaper than the city we live in. If we move there we can afford a much better house in good school catchments (we have two sons), we can afford for one of us to go part time, reduce our commute and generally have a much better quality of life.

Where we are currently I feel we are working ourselves into the ground for a fairly mediocre house with mediocre schools. My DH has a network of friends in his home town, both of us should be able to get jobs there relatively easily, it all seemed to make sense.

I recently told my parents and they were absolutely devastated. I knew they'd be upset but their reaction took me by surprise. I'm one of two children, I have a sister who is disabled and lives in sheltered accommodation, they don't expect me to care for her but they were hoping I would be closer in case I am needed in an emergency. My mum also has had a health scare recently. On reflection it was really bad timing of me to tell them now but we want to move before my younger DS starts primary school in order to minimise the disruption. We don't really have any other family.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I am being completely heartless. I didn't realise they would be so upset. My DH is still really keen to move although I know he won't pressure me if I decide I can't do it after all. I feel like I am having to choose between my marriage and my family.

Move.

Other emergency contacts can exist. At 1.5 hours away and with small children you were never a true emergency contact anyway.

Don't try to convince them you are making the right decision. You tell them it is happening. Thinking they can talk you out of it will be more emotionally distressing than making plans to deal with the new reality.

Get planning when you will visit them for a weekend and vice versa. Keep in mind you will need free time to make new friends.

@MrsSchrute

I’ve read too many cases of siblings being expected to be carers for a disabled child, and most of them, when they reached adulthood, moved on to form their own lives separate to parental obligation.

I think it would be foolish to expect a sibling to be a carer. Not only is it horrendously unfair to the proposed carer, but what happens if/when it falls through and no other plans have been made?

Please move if it means a better life for you and your own family.

I'm a parent and my youngest is disabled.In the future if any of my kids wanted to move away to give themselves and my grandchildren a better life I'd be telling them to go for it,they aren't responsible for me,my DH or my youngest.

The thought of him spending his life around people who are paid to care for him, rather than people who actually love him, is heartbreaking.

As someone who spent five years working caring for people with a learning disability I don't think you need to be heart broken about the future.
We all cared about the people we helped look after, were trained to support them effectively and because we got to reset at our own homes we didn't burn out.
I felt much more heartbreak about families clinging on to caring duties while exhausted and in the case of some siblings throughly resentful.

No field is free of problems, I'm not suggesting it is but plenty of people in a range of paid caring jobs do actually care about those they look after.

Thank you @lakesidesummer. Such a reassuring post!

You should move. This decision will have a significant impact on your kids' lives and they need to come first. A significantly better upbringing (which it sounds like they would have if you move), and better work life balance and finances for you, is miles more important than being a few hours closer in case of potential emergency.

My sibling lived with my parents until she was in her late sixties. She had a miserable half life to be honest. No friends, sat indoors with old parents for decades. They felt they knew best how to care for her, I was pressurised into caring for them all. My parents resented me for trying to have a life of my own, holidays without them etc. Parents don't always know what's best for their disabled children.. and certainly don't always put the siblings best interest in the equation either.

I'd move.
I presume they're set up with FaceTime so you can keep in touch.
Make sure they have a backup system, eg shopping, prescriptions, cleaner etc
Is there a spare room at your new house, tell them they can come for a weekend every few months. And tell them how often you'll come back.

Tbh you don't have children so they can look after you, you're supposed to be helping them be successful and happy.

I’ve been the person devastated when a family member moved away. I understood it intellectually, but I’m never going to be happy about it. I had previously moved away, but eventually recognized that family was too important and moved back. That is part of why it hit me so hard, I knew from experience that our relationship would never be the same. We still have a decent relationship, but it’s not the one I hoped for.

You need to put the "family you made" first and the "family you came from" second. It's not like you're emigrating to Australia! And if there was an emergency you would still be able to get to them in a reasonable amount of time!

[quote Hazelnutlatteplease]@OhCaptain

Yeah theres a big assumption. I've told DD to get on a travel young and get herself into a decent career so she has more options and choices. Not really the same.🤣🤣🤣[/quote]
She better not meet someone when she travels and then decide to stay in their country then.