Going out of my mind, has my cheating ex husband totally f****d my trust or are these red flags with new partner?

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm going out of my mind with anxiety atm about something that had happened re my bf of ten months and a work colleague of his last week and could really with some perspective and opinions please.....
My ex husband lied and cheated on me in the most horrible of ways before I left him. After spending a while on my own I started dating present bf I met him on tinder 10 months ago.
We have a brilliant time, sex, friendship, a huge amount in common. He has 3 children who I haven't met yet, but he has recently told his ex wife about me with a view to meeting the kids etc.
I went to his house yesterday and there was a new plant/plantpot sitting on his windowsill.
I commented on it as it's really nice and asked him when he got it, I'm always at his house and have never seen it before so must be recent!
He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just *** he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.
So the weird thing is, he did mention last week he had a full on day with work and training etc, but he always works from home and when we were whatsapping throughout the day, he just said he was on calls etc and not once mentioned that this younger, attractive, intelligent woman who he has been mentoring was at his house for several hours. Just said he was super busy on calls and would be hard at work until bedtime.
So I said to him yesterday I found it strange that he hadn't mentioned the fact she'd been with him, if one of my work colleagues had been over I would have mentioned it in passing and it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not her being there, but the fact that he hadn't told me... that has now made me feel v uncomfortable about it all!
She's only been working with him for 2 months, I've found her online, she is very pretty and he has written a glowing commentary on her work skills.
When I asked him why she had bought him a plant, he said it's because she knows I'm moving house.
He gave me a cuddle and said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, we went for dinner and I've tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But alarm bells are ringing and I can't work out if it's because my head and ability to trust are in tatters because of what my ex did to me or if in fact it's not cool and I should listen to my gut about this...
I should add he told his ex wife about me the day this girl was over at his house so surely if he was having second thoughts or anything was going on he probably wouldn't?
I'm not going to see him for a week now as he is super busy with his kids etc but now I'm just suspicious about bloody everything and I'm terrified of ruining an otherwise amazing relationship...
Aaaargh, hate this

I get it, she was at his home for hours and he kept that from you. Maybe he thought if op knows this young attractive woman is in my house for hours, it will cause a fight because it doesn't look good. Or maybe, like lots of men he was hoping said younger woman would be a closet slut and something might happen. I trust women more than men, I suspect probably nothing did happen but it would make me think he was an opportunistic man who might do something in the future if the chance arose. Trust your spidey senses and look out for more hints.

But the Tinder thing op, wasn't at the beginning of your relationship, it was 3 months ago. His profile changed. So I take it you decided to believe his bullshit on that?

Also taking into account his very flirty behaviour, his eyeing up other women and this latest episode of lying by omission about having a young, attractive woman around to his home (when he does this with no one else) and sadly, I think you're going to get your heart broken again. I don't think this man is trustworthy.

I think you need to end it and get therapy. Also I think you jumped into this relationship way too soon after your traumatic split with your ex. It's probably best to be on your own for a while and work on your self esteem and boundaries. But again, the anxiety due to your bf is not because of your ex, it's because your bf isn't trustworthy!!

Well, if he was so worried that you’d return to your ex, why has he treated you with such utter disrespect?

He has weak boundaries for the attention of other women, including this colleague. He engineered alone time with her and deceived you. That he blatantly ogles other women in your presence is despicable and not a laughing matter.

He controls the narrative of your relationship and there is a power imbalance. Two months ago you felt hidden away from everyone and everything in his life.

During lockdown you wanted a vocal connection, but he wouldn’t give you that. Hundreds of miles apart, you exchanged messages and sexted, but he refused to call. You felt dismayed and confused, and were afraid to ask for even a 5 minute call each week. When you called him once, he was ‘off’ with you. You wondered if he was staying with his ex and children but didn’t ask.

Before lockdown, whenever you invited him to events that he couldn’t attend, he refused to decline, but instead would rudely blank the invitation until you eventually worked out that he wasn’t going. He refused you common courtesy.

You agreed that he was stubborn, determined to have his own way, and was training you to not expect much from him. Indeed, he always said he was attracted to your independence and lack of neediness....a tactic which has deterred you from challenging him.

So, his pattern of manipulative and controlling behavior continues with his current deceptive actions. You have spent so much time feeling unsettled in this relationship. He’s a bad bet, OP. On top of everything else, he has no plans to divorce even after 2+ years of separation. You deserve a loyal, honest, truly available man who consistently enriches your life.

I would suggest seeking individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem, boundaries and coping strategies.

The Tinder thing is your biggest red flag OP, I’m assuming he knows about your anxieties and yet he did something like that. He sounds like he craves female attention, while it can be perfectly fine to have colleagues round, an older man in a position of power inviting a young, pretty colleague round does ring alarm bells a little.

You do need to work on your own self esteem too though, I know it’s hard. I came out of a very abusive relationship with a serial cheat and it’s taken me a long time to get over. I still get triggered occasionally now and I have been with my DH for 6 years.

Excellent post MsDogLady

All his behaviour towards you in a nutshell, OP.

Wow OP In the nicest possible way you need to end this.

It’s been 10 months and you’ve started multiple threads on his behaviour - he’s separated not divorced, won’t chat on the phone, won’t tell ex about you, still on Tinder. All the threads you started give you the advice that you should end it and you still haven’t and are now driving yourself insane making excuses for this man.

There’s also a similar theme around your ex husband treating you badly, messing you up etc which is clearly still affecting you. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is be single, build your trust and boundaries back up, stop trying to be the perfect laid back girlfriend and then start to look for a relationship. 1 year to be single is no time at all after 15 years of marriage, you would
IMO be doing yourself a favour to be single 2 or 3 more.

OP, you are honing in on the possibility that your previous experiences have skewed your thought processes because this scenario is more reassuring to you than the concept that your current partner is no good.

I understand that it is easier to believe that he's a lovely man who has done nothing wrong and if only you could stop being so X, Y and Z everything would be fine, but this strategy is causing you more harm in the long term.

He is not a good man. He really isn't. Yes, your boundaries are skewed but on the opposite end of the spectrum. You are not being needy or hyper vigilant, in fact you are under reacting to the piss poor way that he has treated you throughout the course of the relationship. You are letting things slide that should be hard no's.

I understand that you don't want to face the pain of ending the relationship, but continuing is only going to mean that you experience more and more pain because he will continue to put you through situations that make you anxious, question him and yourself, worry that he is or will be unfaithful, and hammer your self worth.

OP, this is not going to end well.

Given what I’ve read about the Tinder episode this is not a healthy man you are dealing with. He’s spun you a bullshit line... and even if it were true that he needed to go on Tinder because of you (gaslighting) then that’s a sign of a deeply emotional defunct person. My ex said the same thing but it was a sex site, not Tinder. A normal person has a conversation with their partner about how they are feeling, they do not jump onto a dating or sex site!! My ex told me when other women were checking him out... again it’s wrong and only said to unbalance you. Nice healthy men do not do these things!

If you want a life of anxiety, insecurity, hyper vigilance and mild abuse which may get worse, then carry on.

It will not get better. He’s showing you who he is. Listen.

"He is not a good man. He really isn't. Yes, your boundaries are skewed but on the opposite end of the spectrum. You are not being needy or hyper vigilant, in fact you are under reacting to the piss poor way that he has treated you throughout the course of the relationship. You are letting things slide that should be hard no's.

I understand that you don't want to face the pain of ending the relationship, but continuing is only going to mean that you experience more and more pain because he will continue to put you through situations that make you anxious, question him and yourself, worry that he is or will be unfaithful, and hammer your self worth."

This. It must be plain that this man is no good for you at all. It's nothing to do with your ex. This man is treating you really badly and that is what is causing your anxiety to sky rocket. You may think you love him but honestly love is not enough and you need to question how you can love someone who treats you so badly. You need to love yourself more than that. Whatever your feelings are for him, you need to take a deep breath and blow them out.

Please don't let this man trample you underfoot anymore. The primary requirement of a relationship is that you feel good about it. This relationship doesn't meet that need and it never will.

It's not in your head. He deliberately lied or misled you on the day. With Covid I would want to know if my partner was in contact with Someone. Especially close contact in his home for hours. Where I live we are only supposed to have our support bubble into our homes.

I'm willing to bet that his marriage actually broke up over infidelity.

has a wandering eye and has blatantly checked out younger pretty girls in front of me on a few occasions. I just laugh it of and pit my uncomfortable feelings down to being insecure after being left in the most horrible way by my ex

Once you've been cheated on and it's damaged your confidence and trust of people in general, it does change you. You can do loads of work in therapy and get to a healthy level of trust and self worth. That doesn't mean you should have to pretend you're ok with someone who has a 'wandering eye' and checks out other women very obviously in front of you. It's ok to have boundaries and limits to what you can deal with. He's like that, so you're incompatible. Someone else genuinely wouldn't care he's like that, so they would be compatible. And that's on top of all the other stuff.

It shouldn't be this hard, I think you're really desperate for this to work because you feel if you break up your ex has sort of 'won' a happy life and you'll be single and feel you've lost, but you need to let your ex go. You're so hung up on his current life and you don't know what it's like behind the scenes. And in any case it isn't of any consequence to you now.

This relationship isn't working. You can't let your envy of your horrible ex hold you ransom in an unhealthy unhappy relationship just because you hate the thought of being single again while he's all coupled up and settled. You're only hurting yourself.

Honestly you’re not over reacting. He deliberately didn’t tell you he’d had a young attractive colleague over for a reason. Whether they’re shagging or just flirting there’s a reason he didn’t want you knowing she’d been there. And the tinder thing? He’s making it your fault he went back on tinder?! Add in the checking out other women in front of you and he’s just covered in red flags. I know it’ll hurt but I think for your own sake you need to end it. You’re probably still not healed from what you’re ex did to you, that kind of betrayal takes a long time to recover from.

I wish you all the best op

Its obvious you don't trust so whether he has done something or not this relationship will get toxic for both of you very soon.
If my DH did what you did I wouldn't like it at all- and to be fair it do think this is down to your insecurity and low self esteem.
Saying that maybe he isn't the person for you.

I am also amazed how many posters think young attractive women are happy to shag any available male no matter his circumstances.

to be fair it do think this is down to your insecurity and low self esteem

I disagree. I think this is down to him being a sleazy, untrustworthy flirt, who has a flexible relationship with the truth, and OP’s honed bullshit detection skills.

It pisses me off so much when women are blamed for men’s shit behaviour.

He lied by omission, he’s been fucking around with Tinder, he blatantly checks out other women in front of OP, but yeah, sure, the problem is OP’s self-esteem!

Fuck that noise.

Cheeseandwine.
What exactly did I do that you wouldn't like if your dh did?

Sometimes people get 'stuck' in chaos/drama/misery mode. You claim you've fallen hard for him, how? If it's not his drama it's yours so where have you had time to fall for him when he was AWOL for a couple months out of 10??
How are you feeling like this when it sounds like it's not even a full on relationship?

You need to walk away. You've happily stayed in the background of his life while expecting.....what were you expecting? If you were needing A distraction (aka rebound) from the soul destroying, crushing experience of being left for someone else then you've had that.

How much of your attention does he get when there isn't something like this going on?

Why do you need to blame your decision to be with this man on him AND your ex? Why so dramatic about a fling you got into while you both seem to be reeling from a break up? This was never going to be long term.

You need to be alone. Not because your ex is punishing you and not because this rebound bloke is evil, but because you're in a fucking state.
Only you are suffering and you are choosing to do it. Stop blaming no good men for being no good men and sort yourself out.

It hurts and I'm sorry but you're doing the equivalent of laying in the motorway at night, feeling hard done by because cars keep hitting you.

Get up and walk away

Wow.

It's not a fling, it's what I thought was a mutual, loving (he said it first) grown up relationship.
I'm no push over, I'm certainly not laying in a motorway asking to be hit, just a tad confused.....
Your words are incredibly harsh, not needed at all, thanks for that.

Dumping this time waster is in your power, there are no financial ties, no joint children. He's a sneaky flirt who is making your miserable and driving you mad. Is this what you want for yourself?

It is your choice how your future looks from here.

Put your big girl's pants on and fuck him off.
It's very sad that you allow yourself to be put through such misery.
One day you will look back in shame and wonder why on earth you let someone treat you with such contempt and utter disrespect.

How was it mutual, its less than a year and all this has happened, Your ex was still somewhere in your head and it was too quick. That is not mutual loving Mutual comfort maybe.

You do not love this bloke, this level of stress/suspicions is not loveable or tolerable. He won't matter in 18months and the rest of your life is not waiting for you to feel better, it's happening now.

It is harsh but you've been through worse.