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Original poster

Going out of my mind, has my cheating ex husband totally f****d my trust or are these red flags with new partner?

239 replies

SadSausage44 · 25/08/2020 13:34

Hi, I'm going out of my mind with anxiety atm about something that had happened re my bf of ten months and a work colleague of his last week and could really with some perspective and opinions please.....
My ex husband lied and cheated on me in the most horrible of ways before I left him. After spending a while on my own I started dating present bf I met him on tinder 10 months ago.
We have a brilliant time, sex, friendship, a huge amount in common. He has 3 children who I haven't met yet, but he has recently told his ex wife about me with a view to meeting the kids etc.
I went to his house yesterday and there was a new plant/plantpot sitting on his windowsill.
I commented on it as it's really nice and asked him when he got it, I'm always at his house and have never seen it before so must be recent!
He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just *** he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.
So the weird thing is, he did mention last week he had a full on day with work and training etc, but he always works from home and when we were whatsapping throughout the day, he just said he was on calls etc and not once mentioned that this younger, attractive, intelligent woman who he has been mentoring was at his house for several hours. Just said he was super busy on calls and would be hard at work until bedtime.
So I said to him yesterday I found it strange that he hadn't mentioned the fact she'd been with him, if one of my work colleagues had been over I would have mentioned it in passing and it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not her being there, but the fact that he hadn't told me... that has now made me feel v uncomfortable about it all!
She's only been working with him for 2 months, I've found her online, she is very pretty and he has written a glowing commentary on her work skills.
When I asked him why she had bought him a plant, he said it's because she knows I'm moving house.
He gave me a cuddle and said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, we went for dinner and I've tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But alarm bells are ringing and I can't work out if it's because my head and ability to trust are in tatters because of what my ex did to me or if in fact it's not cool and I should listen to my gut about this...
I should add he told his ex wife about me the day this girl was over at his house so surely if he was having second thoughts or anything was going on he probably wouldn't?
I'm not going to see him for a week now as he is super busy with his kids etc but now I'm just suspicious about bloody everything and I'm terrified of ruining an otherwise amazing relationship...
Aaaargh, hate this Confused

OP posts:
occa · 25/08/2020 13:51

Hey! This is Relationships, not AIBU, why is everyone piling on Hmm?

OP it sounds like you had a really terrible time with your previous relationship and it's definitely made you more sensitive to these sorts of things. 10 months is still a pretty new relationship and so much time has been spent in weird conditions with lockdown etc. You are probably still finding your normal with your new bf.

Instead of niggling at it with him and asking lots of questions to try and catch him out, you need to sit down and lay your cards on the table. Explain that you're worried that he seemed to have lied about this colleague being over and that he has a bit of mentionitis where she's concerned, explain that because of your past you're maybe a bit over sensitive about these things and that one thing you absolutely need in any new relationship is trust and real openness.

See how he responds. if you can't talk about any of these feelings with him then you need to call it off, because he's not the one you need.

PinkyBrain · 25/08/2020 13:51

I feel for you, it’s such a horrible feeling. I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about though, you’re just conditioned to think the worst and it takes a while to move out of that mindset. Don’t say anything else to him. Flowers

category12 · 25/08/2020 13:52

If he was working for my company, they'd be very unhappy for him to have 1-2-1 training in his home.

I think it's really suss.

AlternativePerspective · 25/08/2020 13:53

If this woman had been older and ugly would you be any less insecure about it?

Twice you’ve made the point of describing her as young and attractive. So what? It’s obviously her looks which make you insecure not the fact he spent the day mentoring another woman.

FWIW I don’t see an issue with it because it’s work. if he’s used to working from home then for that purpose his house is his office, nobody would think it odd if he’d spent the day mentoring a colleague in an actual office would they? So for this example he mentored her for work, in an office, it just so happens that that office was at home.

Lemondrops41 · 25/08/2020 13:55

If the work colleague had been male would you have written this post? Looked the colleague up on Facebook?

Okay the male probably wouldn't have brought a plant but maybe something else instead, food, beer, snacks.........

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 25/08/2020 13:56

I talked to him about it and asked, calmly and kindly why he didn't mention she had been over etc. He said 'I told you I had a training session that day'.
This is always done online, their offices are shut.
Yes I have found her on sm because if she was unattractive or married or gay or something it could perhaps allay any anxiety.
Sadly she's super attractive, clever and younger than me, it sucks.
I hate this.
I asked him if I had any need to be concerned, he said no, I said cool, that was it.
However my spidey sense is tingling away and I don't know if it's because I'm fucked up or it's a bit sneaky/strange behaviour.

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 25/08/2020 13:56

Why did him and ex-wife split up? If that was due to him cheating I'd be worried. Otherwise I think you need to try to reign it in. Men and women work together all the time. Lots of people bring a gift if they go to someone's house - its not necessarily suspicious.

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 25/08/2020 13:58

He is an incredibly flirtatious man. He is her boss. I thought I was dealing with it.
Maybe I'm not.
Aaargh.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadSausage44 · 25/08/2020 13:59

Ok I'm going to just try and chill.
When you find out your gut instinct was always right before, I guess it's hard to ignore when you get those feelings again.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/08/2020 14:01

@AlternativePerspective

If this woman had been older and ugly would you be any less insecure about it?

Twice you’ve made the point of describing her as young and attractive. So what? It’s obviously her looks which make you insecure not the fact he spent the day mentoring another woman.

FWIW I don’t see an issue with it because it’s work. if he’s used to working from home then for that purpose his house is his office, nobody would think it odd if he’d spent the day mentoring a colleague in an actual office would they? So for this example he mentored her for work, in an office, it just so happens that that office was at home.

That's just nonsense.

Working at home is to avoid face-to-face contact, not to move it into the home environment. And OP has already said he isn't having other colleagues visit. They do meetings remotely. (My employers would be seriously pissed if colleagues were meeting in their homes.)

And of course her youth and attractiveness matters. Hmm

EmmaGrundyForPM · 25/08/2020 14:01

I don't think you should be stalking his colleagues on SM. How did you know her surname?: I only know my husbands colleagues by first names "Emma, Dave, Katie" etc.

I understand that the behaviour of your ex has made you suspicious, but I really wouldn't over think it.

Aerial2020 · 25/08/2020 14:04

OP have you had support or councelling about your ex? Have you processed it all?
I can understand your spider senses going off but honestly people can cheat with non attractive people too. I think you have focused on her age/looks when if someone wants to cheat, they will cheat. Gay and married people too.
I get you were having a nose on social media, most people would, but her looks is not the issue.
In fact, it's not her, it's him you would need to worry about if your senses are telling you something.

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 25/08/2020 14:04

If it was a regular thing, with other work colleagues it wouldn't matter a jot to me!
I just think it's strange it has happened once, with someone he has worked with for 8 weeks, who he speaks to a huge amount...
Alarm bells are ringing and I just want them to stop.
I'm pissed that if not for the plant I'd be none the wiser.
It's made me feel vulnerable and I don't like it.

OP posts:
RUOKHon · 25/08/2020 14:05

I would find it highly suspicious too OP. And I don’t buy the arguments from all the cool wives on here who would be totally happy if their partners gave some special 121 training to a young, pretty colleague, at their house, and ‘didn’t think to mention it’. Especially if she then bought him a thoughtful gift. Yeah, I’m sure all the cool wives would be totally fine Hmm

Trust your instincts, don’t gaslight yourself. If your ex was a cheating arsehole then you’re allowed to have strict boundaries in your new relationship. I would find the lying by omission per se unacceptable, even if nothing did/has happened between them.

frazzledasarock · 25/08/2020 14:06

He’s had I their colleague training one on one from his house ever.

This training from his home is not the done thing.

Yeah I call bullshit.

I’d be walking away, the man sounds like hard work at best a liar at worst.

Aerial2020 · 25/08/2020 14:06

Of course it's made you feel vulnerable. It's questioning your trust with him.
This will come up in any relationship you have after your ex so you have to find a way of managing that without making yourself go crazy with overthinking.

Original poster
SadSausage44 · 25/08/2020 14:07

He told me her first name, it's foreign and unusual, they have written glowing reviews about each other on a well known work sm connection site.
It took me 20 seconds to find her.
Of course I want to know if she's his type, hot, young etc.... who wouldn't!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 25/08/2020 14:07

He’s never had any other colleague working/training from his house, that should say

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 25/08/2020 14:08

You said he said he had to give her some work? There could be a genuine reason for her being in person at his house. I think at this point, you need to have a discussion about boundaries and make it clear where yours lie. This isn't about keeping tabs on someone, and of course he shouldn't feel like he is reporting to you and checking in every day as that is no way to live, but it's a dialogue you need to talk about.

It does seems like you're on high alert and looking for anything that could be an issue, which is understandable given your past. You say your ex made you suicidal, did you get any MH support / counselling for this? It could behove you to get some support if not.

Cannotcope4223 · 25/08/2020 14:09

Nah - It would definitely raise a bloody eyebrow with me OP. I wouldn’t go off the deep end about it but never again will I ignore red flags that stare me in the face.

I think you’ll be on high alert re your bullshit radar for a long, long time but it can be dialled down. Sometimes it takes these small reminders that men can be lying wankers to put the brakes on from getting overly invested or carried away... and thats a good thing when you’ve suffered a trauma like you have.

In fairness he did tell his ex wife about you (proof?) and told you who bought it straightaway. Its dodgy as fuck that he didnt mention it ON THAT DAY though. Thats not natural or normal. Also, its not normal to convene at someones house during covid surely? Why not their office?

Aerial2020 · 25/08/2020 14:09

But know you know you feel worse.

Aerial2020 · 25/08/2020 14:12

Even if he had told you, you still would have looked her up and be thinking this.
Even if he did fancy her, doesn't mean anything would happen. Even if she fancied him, doesn't mean anything would happen.
You have to trust him.
Decide if it is a deal breaker for you.

PotholePalace · 25/08/2020 14:13

In his favour, he didn't hide the plant and must have realised you were likely to comment on it. Some people like giving small gifts so on balance I'd be ok with it.

Aerial2020 · 25/08/2020 14:15

What I mean is, it's shit because of how it's making you feel BUT reconise why and deal with that.
He is a grown man who you can't control how he behaves. If he's crossed a boundary by not telling you (or telling you only because of the plant) then decide if this is a relationship you want.
But you can't rule who he has in his house.

HollowTalk · 25/08/2020 14:16

@SadSausage44

He is an incredibly flirtatious man. He is her boss. I thought I was dealing with it. Maybe I'm not. Aaargh.
This makes all the difference. If nothing else he has put himself in a ridiculously vulnerable situation, inviting a young pretty subordinate at work to his own home for training when he trains everybody else online.

The other thing is, I've never heard of a man who lives apart from his children being busy constantly with his children. He doesn't live with them. Is he saying that he is going to spend every day with them for a week?