Going out of my mind, has my cheating ex husband totally f****d my trust or are these red flags with new partner?

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm going out of my mind with anxiety atm about something that had happened re my bf of ten months and a work colleague of his last week and could really with some perspective and opinions please.....
My ex husband lied and cheated on me in the most horrible of ways before I left him. After spending a while on my own I started dating present bf I met him on tinder 10 months ago.
We have a brilliant time, sex, friendship, a huge amount in common. He has 3 children who I haven't met yet, but he has recently told his ex wife about me with a view to meeting the kids etc.
I went to his house yesterday and there was a new plant/plantpot sitting on his windowsill.
I commented on it as it's really nice and asked him when he got it, I'm always at his house and have never seen it before so must be recent!
He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just *** he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.
So the weird thing is, he did mention last week he had a full on day with work and training etc, but he always works from home and when we were whatsapping throughout the day, he just said he was on calls etc and not once mentioned that this younger, attractive, intelligent woman who he has been mentoring was at his house for several hours. Just said he was super busy on calls and would be hard at work until bedtime.
So I said to him yesterday I found it strange that he hadn't mentioned the fact she'd been with him, if one of my work colleagues had been over I would have mentioned it in passing and it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not her being there, but the fact that he hadn't told me... that has now made me feel v uncomfortable about it all!
She's only been working with him for 2 months, I've found her online, she is very pretty and he has written a glowing commentary on her work skills.
When I asked him why she had bought him a plant, he said it's because she knows I'm moving house.
He gave me a cuddle and said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, we went for dinner and I've tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But alarm bells are ringing and I can't work out if it's because my head and ability to trust are in tatters because of what my ex did to me or if in fact it's not cool and I should listen to my gut about this...
I should add he told his ex wife about me the day this girl was over at his house so surely if he was having second thoughts or anything was going on he probably wouldn't?
I'm not going to see him for a week now as he is super busy with his kids etc but now I'm just suspicious about bloody everything and I'm terrified of ruining an otherwise amazing relationship...
Aaaargh, hate this

I think what @lilmishap is trying to say is that you need to take responsibility for your own emotions and for allowing yourself to be hurt time and time again by the same man. We know that you’ve been hurt and that he isn’t treating you right because we can see the multiple threads you’ve made where each time you’re given good advice yet have chosen to ignore it. It’s like a cycle that won’t end until you decide to take control and end things.

The bottom line is that although you might not see it as a ‘fling’, in ten months the man has been back on tinder, refused to speak to you on the phone, reluctant to tell his ex or any friends about you, ignoring your efforts to make plans, checking out other women in front of you and now this plant episode. What will it take for you to wake up that this man is wasting your time?

And you probably need time alone to heal from what happened with your ex so that it doesn’t interfere with new relationships.

We know that you’ve been hurt and that he isn’t treating you right because we can see the multiple threads you’ve made where each time you’re given good advice yet have chosen to ignore it

This is the thing. You know this man is bad for you and will never stop his antics with other women. You'd rather blame yourself for being insecure than face up to reality.

I don't have big girl pants around at the moment.
After a childhood of abuse by my mother's now wife and a string of abusive relationships I don't think big girl pants are going to work, simply because I've had them on my whole life.
I just thought I'd met a good un.
Silly me.

Thank you, harsh or kind comments x seriously. I appreciate the time it took to answer a complete stranger on mn.

No woman here likes to see another woman reduced to a state of anxiety by an egotistical, dick-driven man.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.

Have you done any counselling with regard to your past? Have you tried the Freedom Programme, re the abusive relationships you've experienced?

Tbh I think that cheating on you (which involves gaslighting etc) is a form of emotional abuse, and you've been through a lot.

I think people, including myself, have been so strongly responding to your thread because we can see that this situation is so bad for you and it's frustrating to see you apparently resigned to it, when we're rooting for you. I think you would be better off splitting from him and spending some time on yourself.

Not sure why you are getting harsh comments really. It's difficult when you have been hurt in the past. I do think you should trust him as although he didn't mention it at the time, he didn't lie when asked, he told you the truth and I feel that counts for something. I hope he's reassured you, and understands why you are a little worried about things like that.

@lilmishap

Sometimes people get 'stuck' in chaos/drama/misery mode. You claim you've fallen hard for him, how? If it's not his drama it's yours so where have you had time to fall for him when he was AWOL for a couple months out of 10?? How are you feeling like this when it sounds like it's not even a full on relationship?

You need to walk away. You've happily stayed in the background of his life while expecting.....what were you expecting? If you were needing A distraction (aka rebound) from the soul destroying, crushing experience of being left for someone else then you've had that.

How much of your attention does he get when there isn't something like this going on?

Why do you need to blame your decision to be with this man on him AND your ex? Why so dramatic about a fling you got into while you both seem to be reeling from a break up? This was never going to be long term.

You need to be alone. Not because your ex is punishing you and not because this rebound bloke is evil, but because you're in a fucking state.
Only you are suffering and you are choosing to do it. Stop blaming no good men for being no good men and sort yourself out.

It hurts and I'm sorry but you're doing the equivalent of laying in the motorway at night, feeling hard done by because cars keep hitting you.

Get up and walk away

Ugh. I hate this. But only because it touches a nerve. The things your friends never say to you. Tough love

Maybe you need to sit down with him and explain how you are feeling and that it's due to insecurities due to your ex

@londonscalling OP's feelings aren't due to anything her ex did though IMO, they're due to this bloke' behaviour.

I don't think big girl pants are going to work, simply because I've had them on my whole life.

@SadSausage44 It might feel that way but you've said you feel you're dependent on this guy for your well being. That isn't big girl pants. Big girl pants is to bin the twat- you don't need him.

@lilmishap

How was it mutual, its less than a year and all this has happened, Your ex was still somewhere in your head and it was too quick. That is not mutual loving Mutual comfort maybe.

You do not love this bloke, this level of stress/suspicions is not loveable or tolerable. He won't matter in 18months and the rest of your life is not waiting for you to feel better, it's happening now.

It is harsh but you've been through worse.

He won't matter in 18months and the rest of your life is not waiting for you to feel better, it's happening now.

So true. I finally finished with my very similar ex in Feb. I barely think about him now.
I honestly think I've been rebounding for years and since having some decent therapy I feel so different now about relationships. I want to expend my energy on the important things in my life like my kids and job foremost, my friends and my health and the things I enjoy. I'm on date sites but I'm not sure if I have time or energy to actually meet anyone

@famousforwrongreason Yep, I think that sort of thing is the right frame of mind. As you're not dependent on/desperate for anyone, you can have zero tolerance for fuck muppets and bin them early on.

Hi OP, firstly as some of the comments have been pretty harsh . I feel like I know where you’re coming from with this one as I have experience of something similar . A few months ago I discovered that my partner of 2.5 years had a female best friend living in another country ( the country he moved from to live near me ) and that they’d actually been in contact every other day for all of the time we’ve been together, phonecalls really regularly , sometimes when he’d arranged to see me and my kids , sometimes late at night / early morning ( he says it’s because they are both shift workers ) Anyway, basically he was having this really regular contact with another woman and had totally failed - in 2.5 years ?!! - to mention it / her to me. All those times we’d been together , no mention of ‘ oh I had a phonecall with * today , she’s doing this/that ‘ etc . I only found out about her as I started to get a strange feeling something was up so snooped on his phone ( shouldn’t have but was getting desperate ) He totally played it down , like it was no big deal ( but proceeded to then swiftly delete two years of chat to her and now they barely speak on the phone )
Like you , it wasn’t the fact that he had a female friend - just that he seemed to have a 2 year bout of amnesia in telling me anything of her . It seemed withheld and I still can’t really fathom why . He spoke regularly of all his other friends and spoke to them all on the phone at my house/ in my presence .
But not her.
I have to say that I find Omitting important ,or even just basic , information Is a strange one that I Personally don’t trust .
My partner had over 2 years to be more transparent with me about another female but chose not to.
Your bf had all of that day and that WhatsApp chat and the days since to say something . Why on earth couldn’t he just say ‘ actually I’ve got ( name) over for work , we’re working on this and that - oh and she’s bought a lovely potted plant , show you next time’ etc etc .
To me it feels that he ( like my bf) wanted to keep their situation private / intimate . I would be really weary now if I was you . I too had a bad relationship before this one whereby my trust was really tested , so I can empathise . You don’t need or deserve this uncertainty

[quote SoulofanAggron]@famousforwrongreason Yep, I think that sort of thing is the right frame of mind. As you're not dependent on/desperate for anyone, you can have zero tolerance for fuck muppets and bin them early on.[/quote]
Yep. It's so empower g and I can see such a difference in my relationship with my kids as a consequence ❤️