Going out of my mind, has my cheating ex husband totally f****d my trust or are these red flags with new partner?

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm going out of my mind with anxiety atm about something that had happened re my bf of ten months and a work colleague of his last week and could really with some perspective and opinions please.....
My ex husband lied and cheated on me in the most horrible of ways before I left him. After spending a while on my own I started dating present bf I met him on tinder 10 months ago.
We have a brilliant time, sex, friendship, a huge amount in common. He has 3 children who I haven't met yet, but he has recently told his ex wife about me with a view to meeting the kids etc.
I went to his house yesterday and there was a new plant/plantpot sitting on his windowsill.
I commented on it as it's really nice and asked him when he got it, I'm always at his house and have never seen it before so must be recent!
He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just *** he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.
So the weird thing is, he did mention last week he had a full on day with work and training etc, but he always works from home and when we were whatsapping throughout the day, he just said he was on calls etc and not once mentioned that this younger, attractive, intelligent woman who he has been mentoring was at his house for several hours. Just said he was super busy on calls and would be hard at work until bedtime.
So I said to him yesterday I found it strange that he hadn't mentioned the fact she'd been with him, if one of my work colleagues had been over I would have mentioned it in passing and it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not her being there, but the fact that he hadn't told me... that has now made me feel v uncomfortable about it all!
She's only been working with him for 2 months, I've found her online, she is very pretty and he has written a glowing commentary on her work skills.
When I asked him why she had bought him a plant, he said it's because she knows I'm moving house.
He gave me a cuddle and said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, we went for dinner and I've tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But alarm bells are ringing and I can't work out if it's because my head and ability to trust are in tatters because of what my ex did to me or if in fact it's not cool and I should listen to my gut about this...
I should add he told his ex wife about me the day this girl was over at his house so surely if he was having second thoughts or anything was going on he probably wouldn't?
I'm not going to see him for a week now as he is super busy with his kids etc but now I'm just suspicious about bloody everything and I'm terrified of ruining an otherwise amazing relationship...
Aaaargh, hate this

Hmm, sending you hugs OP. I know all too well what it is like to be made to feel you are a paranoid wreck in a long marriage only to find out your intuition was right every single time. I also know what it is like to have someone new try to hide truths and sneak a bit. This situation would ring alarms for me. I am working on how to handle myself, but it isn't easy. Don't doubt yourself though. Tell him it has made you feel uncomfortable because it was all a bit hidden and just keep an eye on things. Maybe set yourself a time limit on things so if any more BS like this happens you can just walk away. If not then great. It really is so hard though. This is not you, this is shady.

Sorry for what you’ve gone through OP, it sounds rough

Fwiw I don’t think your previous relationship is a factor here. You’re right to think this behaviour is odd, as another poster mentioned you now have experience which means you may be more alert to certain things - but that’s not a bad thing. I’ve known many naive women (myself included) who are completely blinded by men who are treating them like absolute mugs. That’s not a good position to be in either.

Her visiting his home was strange, the fact he didn’t tell you when you were talking all day is suspicious... and the plant, bizarre. You are not suffering fall out from trust issues by questioning this. It may well be innocent but not to question it would be foolish IMO.

He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.

But she's not a friend. She's a very short term work colleague

So what he said isn't true

It feels funny to me too and to the best of my knowledge I've never been cheated on

I'd keep an eye on the situation but I wouldn't be obviously and blatantly suspicious

Yeah its maybe a little odd he didn't say - maybe he thought he did? Who knows anyway. That's not what's important. If anything he does is making you very anxious then best not to be in a relationship with him. Its been less than a year, if you're not happy now best to not let it go on any longer - the seed is in your head now, hard to 'unplant' it.

For what its worth, my DP works in quite a woman heavy industry and as such has many 'attractive' work friends, some of whom he hangs out with v last minute, or tells me after. I also had a cheating, gaslighting ex. But tbh I can't spend my life agonising over my Dp's attractive young colleagues. I trust my dp - if he does turn out to be a cheater, I will deal with it then. No sense in getting worked up about it now.

Also - he could have lied about the plant OP. He chose not too. Either way, don't let this anxiety ruin your life.

Married for a very long time, apparently happily co parenting, a wonderful father and v kind and doing the right thing financially and emotionally with his ex and kids.
They broke up because they were just miserable and arguing constantly... but that's just one side of the story.
I just want to be able to trust him and have inner peace, which I really don't have right now and thats8why I posted here.
Am I a fucked up loon or am I right to listen to that devil on my shoulder that is actually shouting very loudly at me right now.
Sigh.
Bored of it.

I wouldn't like it either. Not much you can do though, if you otherwise think it's a good relationship, wait a bit and see. I'm surprised he's taken this long to introduce you to his kids, but I've no experience of step families. Maybe this is normal.

Btw thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond. It's hugely appreciated.

Don't call yourself a 'fucked up loon' OP - you've been through a lot. Like I've kind of said above, you can only choose how you respond to these feelings. If you don't like what he's done and it makes you feel shit, maybe just end it. Its not fun to be agonizing like this. It doesn't matter what he's done or not tbh, it doesn't make you feel good. And its fine to end things just on that basis.

@Gemma2019

If you are weird then I'm also weird, as I would find it very strange that my partner wouldn't mention that a work colleague had been at his house for several hours, especially when messaging all day.

That would bug me, too.

No you are not "a fucked up loon'" OP!!

This is the worrying part - the fact that you think your suspicions come from the way your ex treated you, not from your current BF's clearly unreasonable behaviour.

I think most women would react as you have.

@Upherefordancing

No you are not "a fucked up loon'" OP!!

This is the worrying part - the fact that you think your suspicions come from the way your ex treated you, not from your current BF's clearly unreasonable behaviour.

I think most women would react as you have.

Yep. This is what has caused me to stay in bad relationships because I always blame, and allow others to blame, my anxiety rather than looking at the actual facts

I know I couldn't cope with this so am staying single by choice for a good while. Your feelings on this are completely normal and understandable given the circumstances.

I too have been in the positions of finding out later that the whole time you were messaging that they were not doing what they led you to believe. As far a I ever found out it was completely innocent but either a). it wasn't or b). he mistakenly believed I get annoyed/upset.

When you are texting regularly and discussing your days it is completely unbelievable that he didn't mention it because it 'slipped his mind' etc. He chose not to mention it either because he was up to no good or he was worried you'd assume he was.

You aren't crazy, just either not ready for a relationship or you have used what you have learned with your ex to spot this one's bull.

You're absolutely right to be concerned.

Working from home is to avoid face to face meetings, not to move the location to people's homes. It's not normal to be training a colleague at home one-to-one.

I'd suggest being on the alert for any similar weirdness and consider if this is the right relationship for you.

I don't think a very flirty man is a good match for you, and I think his behaviour is suss.

I'd cool things down with him, as a pp said don't always be available to him. Find some interests that don't involve him. You don't need a man to be happy - especially one who is a bit cagey like he has been.

I'd be concerned too. The meeting at home when all meetings are online rings alarm bells.
Having said that, I was cheated on my my bastard ex and am having a similar predicament over trust with my new DP!

I'm not vetting her, he has female friends, one of whom he's slept and is now his bestie

sorry op but this would make me run a mile, men that have 'friends' that they have previously slept with. IMO there will always be something there.

Trust your gut but if he's a flirtatious guy with plenty of female friends, you're probably setting yourself up for heartache.

The colleague, I think he could of told you rather than you fishing it out of him.

@Antibles

I am NOT defending him but if it was 62 year old Mike in accounts and he mentioned this at a later date then I'm guessing she wouldn't have had a prob with it so yes, a little.

I firmly suspect that if it were Mike in accounts, Mike would have been mentioned in messages on the day. Except Mike didn't get an invitation...

The OP isn't controlling this man in the slightest. She asked about a plant that caught her eye and is now asking for people's opinions on a website about something. Trust your gut OP. It's usually right.

But you're quoting me without the rest of my post which was valid. Anyway, take a breath OP and a think. Your past is obvs hurting you a lot and I think be kind to yourself

Although we are responsible for our own feelings i do think part of being in a relationship is making your partner feels safe and secure (or at least not insecure). I don't mean never going out or not being 'allowed' to do anything but to not behave in away that would be seen as suspicious for most normal people.

If this man can't even do that then bin him. Life is too short to be worrying about the action of others.

OP I really feel for you. I was also in a marriage with a serial cheat, one who made me doubt the sky was even blue sometimes with the constant lying and gaslighting. It is hard for people who've not experienced that to understand just how much you doubt yourself and indeed a new partner. I've made the conscious decision to remain single as I couldn't inflict my anxiety or "paranoia" onto another person - it wouldn't be fair.

Its brilliant that you feel able to move on but I would just check in with yourself on whether you're truly ready.

That aside - I think your current partners behaviour waves red flags irrespective of what's happened in your previous relationship. He's lied about what he was doing - he's openly said he was on calls as opposed to "Oh I have XXX here doing training". During a pandemic where people in many industries are now permanently home working. If he's a flirtatious guy who's now setting off your alarm bells by not being completely honest then it might be time to cool things off for your own sanity x

@seensome

I'm not vetting her, he has female friends, one of whom he's slept and is now his bestie

sorry op but this would make me run a mile, men that have 'friends' that they have previously slept with. IMO there will always be something there.

Trust your gut but if he's a flirtatious guy with plenty of female friends, you're probably setting yourself up for heartache.

The colleague, I think he could of told you rather than you fishing it out of him.

Yeah my lying ex was best friends with All his younger and very attractive exes. Interestingly, the 'mumsy' exes of our actual age seemed to hold no interest for him He was just a walking penis with a huge ego.

This would annoy me a little, more the buying a present thing. My DH worked with a woman who bought our DD some gifts like socks, some books etc, but she'd never met our DD - I figured she was doing it to get his attention. Personally I'd try to take over, maybe put it in a new, nicer pot you've bought him?!

Op you don't trust him. Without trust this relationship is never going to work.
The devil sitting on your shoulder is your spidey senses kicking in and as long as he's sat there shouting in your ear you will never be able to move forward and it will eventually drive a wedge between you and your new man.
Learn to trust again before you throw yourself any deeper into this relationship.
Right now I don't think you are ready.

Throw the plant out completely- if you get a chance!

I think you’re right to be concerned because he lied that he was on calls all day when in fact a colleague came over to his house for training. Then when you questioned him a ‘friend’ bought the plant, also a lie, she’s a colleague. On the same day he told his ex-w about you though so he seems like he’s keen to move forward with you, perhaps he was keeping the colleague out of the picture as he thought you might get upset. Men never seem to realise it’s the lying that is upsetting, not the meeting colleagues etc. The ‘I knew you’d be upset so didn’t mention it’ is also patronising and shows they think it is something to hide.

I think you should trust your instincts, you know what to look out for. And as other pp have said use the next week to get some distance and really think about whether this relationship is right for you. If you decide there are more positives than negatives I would put this bit of lying to one side and move on.

Dump him.

He’ll be shagging her by the end of the month.