Going out of my mind, has my cheating ex husband totally f****d my trust or are these red flags with new partner?

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm going out of my mind with anxiety atm about something that had happened re my bf of ten months and a work colleague of his last week and could really with some perspective and opinions please.....
My ex husband lied and cheated on me in the most horrible of ways before I left him. After spending a while on my own I started dating present bf I met him on tinder 10 months ago.
We have a brilliant time, sex, friendship, a huge amount in common. He has 3 children who I haven't met yet, but he has recently told his ex wife about me with a view to meeting the kids etc.
I went to his house yesterday and there was a new plant/plantpot sitting on his windowsill.
I commented on it as it's really nice and asked him when he got it, I'm always at his house and have never seen it before so must be recent!
He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just *** he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.
So the weird thing is, he did mention last week he had a full on day with work and training etc, but he always works from home and when we were whatsapping throughout the day, he just said he was on calls etc and not once mentioned that this younger, attractive, intelligent woman who he has been mentoring was at his house for several hours. Just said he was super busy on calls and would be hard at work until bedtime.
So I said to him yesterday I found it strange that he hadn't mentioned the fact she'd been with him, if one of my work colleagues had been over I would have mentioned it in passing and it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not her being there, but the fact that he hadn't told me... that has now made me feel v uncomfortable about it all!
She's only been working with him for 2 months, I've found her online, she is very pretty and he has written a glowing commentary on her work skills.
When I asked him why she had bought him a plant, he said it's because she knows I'm moving house.
He gave me a cuddle and said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, we went for dinner and I've tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But alarm bells are ringing and I can't work out if it's because my head and ability to trust are in tatters because of what my ex did to me or if in fact it's not cool and I should listen to my gut about this...
I should add he told his ex wife about me the day this girl was over at his house so surely if he was having second thoughts or anything was going on he probably wouldn't?
I'm not going to see him for a week now as he is super busy with his kids etc but now I'm just suspicious about bloody everything and I'm terrified of ruining an otherwise amazing relationship...
Aaaargh, hate this

If he hadn’t lied about being on calls and had t received a gift from her it might just be ok. But he did lie. I would have to have a talk with him about this which you have every right to do.

Ask him why he didn’t tell you she was there... tell him, given your history, that it’s made you uncomfortable.

Why didn’t they meet in a coffee bar or somewhere more appropriate.

Ask him if a young hot male colleague of yours came for the day & bought you a gift and you lied to him about it all, how he would feel?

Having been with a cheating man in the past, I know myself and know I couldn’t go for a flirty type ever again.

He is moving things forward with the kids meeting thing which is great, but it doesn’t mean he’s not capable of hurting you. My ex did all those things early on but was a cheater all the same.

If they are working in the same company, then it is not appropriate for him to train her 1-2-1 from home (unsurprisingly, he has never trained other colleagues from home, as this is not normal business practice, apart from the fact that in the current situation this is routinely done online). In all likelihood this goes against various company policies, not just the Covid policy. It would be interesting to know whether the company/other colleagues knew about this, I assume not, as he would most likely damage his reputation and hers, at the bare minimum, again for the reasons above. So he is unprofessional at the very least and was willing to open himself to a loss of reputation/ breaches of policies and a possible disciplinary... And I haven't even mentioned the implications of singling out a more junior female colleague...!

If they do not work in the same company, then she is neither a friend, and not really a colleague? Singling someone out, making big exceptions for them and then being secretive about it is a big red flag for all the reasons PP have mentioned.

Re the plant, if she is younger, she may look up to him and have been flattered/impressed to have been singled out and invited into his home and wanted to make a gesture that reflected that.

On top of this we are in the middle of a pandemic, social distancing anyone?? Someone who has been WFH suddenly throws all caution to the wind? Unless they spent all the time in the garden, more than 6feet apart...

I'd find it a bit odd if it had been Mike from accounts who'd been round with a pot plant and he hadn't said anything despite being in constant communication all that day. Because he said he was in calls all day and he wasn't.

But your choices are limited. Really it's either dump him, forget it, or try to worm the truth out of him (and who knows what that is?). You have to make yourself vulnerable to have a meaningful relationship anyway. It's up to you to decide if you can do that now, with him. It doesn't make you stupid either way.

If you were a ‘fucked up loon’ then your spidey senses would have kicked off re the best friend he has previously shagged!

I don’t have ‘trust issues’ and in your boots I would feel exactly the same.

I’m not even sure that you have trust issues yourself OP - unless you have a history of jealousy that has been unfounded?

I am laughing at the idea of Mike from Accounts bring a pit plant round! Wouldn’t happen, would it?

Also... If I bring anything to training it tends to be biscuits or an alternative treat or healthy snack

this is not the man for you.
don't agonise over it, analyse.
just back off.
we all make mistakes. better to find out now. just walk away.
good luck.

No, Mike from accounts would not bring a pot plant round. And he would have been mentioned in messages.

You are doing yourself a disservice by blaming your current discomfort on your previous trauma. You’ve been anxious about your Partner’s behavior for a while, for good reason.

I commented several months ago when you realized he was back on Tinder with a new bio and it appeared he’d been recently active. He claimed that he changed his profile back in December, but at that point you two were supposed to be exclusive. You’ve also noted rude and dismissive behavior such as never definitively answering when you’ve extended invitations and refusing to call/FaceTime you during lockdown, even though he was FaceTiming others and knew you missed his voice.

This latest incident is further evidence that this man is no prize. He and this woman, his subordinate, seem overfamiliar. He unprofessionally altered his training procedure for her, and was intentionally secretive about her. He then lied that the plant was from a friend. Her gifting the plant was too familiar in the first place.

This man keeps showing you who he is. You deserve much better.

I understand, and do listen to your gut.

In the meantime, how about spending a bit of time looking after you? Forget the fact that she is young/pretty/clever/can swallow a banana without gagging and tie a knot in a cherry stalk with her tongue etc. Frankly there is always someone better looking, but there is no one else quite like you and being hot as Hades comes down to confidence.

Let's not worry about Mr Pot Plant for a moment. What makes you happy? Start doing that. At the risk of sounding like a burnt out hippy, start loving yourself a bit. You sound sassy and funny as hell (I love a bit of self sarcasm!)

You know what? I'm going to take my own advice!

Oh yes, I remember the Tinder profile changing thread.

Ohhhhh he's got form then.

Oh OP, scrap what I said earlier about giving him a set amount of time - given this isn't the first instance of questionable behaviour...you know what you need to do.

Oh dear OP He’s shown you a few times who he is, it’s time to believe him now I think.

My psyche and mind, body and soul cannot cope with another break up right now. Im running on empty as it is.
I need to think this through but I hear what everyone is saying. Thank you.

I understand, it’s very upsetting. But it would be far harder on your psyche to stay in a relationship with someone who has proven themselves to be untrustworthy, especially given what you have already been through.

You think staying with another likely cheat won't batter your psyche more?

That's the problem. I've fallen for him completely. Without solid proof I just don't want to throw away all the amazing other stuff. Perhaps I am being hugely insecure and he did absolutely nothing wrong....

Mmm no. Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason. In my experience your visceral reaction is almost never wrong.i know about 20 women (and a few men) who thought their partner was up to no good and it later transpired this was indeed the case. I know one person who had suspicions but they were ill-founded or their partner was a total Houdini. Generally if we feel something is wrong, ... something is wrong.

I really hope you can escape if so OP. You sound so tired and ground down BUT that might be because of your current situation. It's amazing how quickly your life can turn around when you lose emotional baggage. Even when you think there is nothing left in you. There is. Keep going x

How much do you intend to overlook and blame on your past?

Personally I think your instincts are right, whether they were honed by your shitbag ex H or not. And I love the "shackled up" autocorrect and love the fact you still have your sense of humour more.

Given his Tinder antics on top of all the other stuff - how have you fallen for him? More like you've fallen for your fantasy of what you want him to be.

My friend is just like you op.

You know what’s going on under your nose, but you’d rather hurt yourself in the long run.

@TwentyViginiti I'm not sure a drubbing is necessarily warranted here. What's your point?

Do we want to take the OP down a peg or two and blame them for their situation? Because that is a bit shit.

OP, could you turn this on its head and rather than think of it as your ex making you damaged and suspicious, think of it like they did you a MASSIVE favour by teaching you to not ignore your own feelings and concerns?