Going out of my mind, has my cheating ex husband totally f****d my trust or are these red flags with new partner?

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm going out of my mind with anxiety atm about something that had happened re my bf of ten months and a work colleague of his last week and could really with some perspective and opinions please.....
My ex husband lied and cheated on me in the most horrible of ways before I left him. After spending a while on my own I started dating present bf I met him on tinder 10 months ago.
We have a brilliant time, sex, friendship, a huge amount in common. He has 3 children who I haven't met yet, but he has recently told his ex wife about me with a view to meeting the kids etc.
I went to his house yesterday and there was a new plant/plantpot sitting on his windowsill.
I commented on it as it's really nice and asked him when he got it, I'm always at his house and have never seen it before so must be recent!
He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just *** he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.
So the weird thing is, he did mention last week he had a full on day with work and training etc, but he always works from home and when we were whatsapping throughout the day, he just said he was on calls etc and not once mentioned that this younger, attractive, intelligent woman who he has been mentoring was at his house for several hours. Just said he was super busy on calls and would be hard at work until bedtime.
So I said to him yesterday I found it strange that he hadn't mentioned the fact she'd been with him, if one of my work colleagues had been over I would have mentioned it in passing and it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not her being there, but the fact that he hadn't told me... that has now made me feel v uncomfortable about it all!
She's only been working with him for 2 months, I've found her online, she is very pretty and he has written a glowing commentary on her work skills.
When I asked him why she had bought him a plant, he said it's because she knows I'm moving house.
He gave me a cuddle and said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, we went for dinner and I've tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But alarm bells are ringing and I can't work out if it's because my head and ability to trust are in tatters because of what my ex did to me or if in fact it's not cool and I should listen to my gut about this...
I should add he told his ex wife about me the day this girl was over at his house so surely if he was having second thoughts or anything was going on he probably wouldn't?
I'm not going to see him for a week now as he is super busy with his kids etc but now I'm just suspicious about bloody everything and I'm terrified of ruining an otherwise amazing relationship...
Aaaargh, hate this

It's only been 10 months though - I'm assuming you're both late 20s/early 30s, and people can change really rapidly after that.

Mid forties actually.

God, he played the poor me card to make you feel sorry for him when he'd done something wrong that broke your trust. He's playing you, OP.

OP I think you’d feel this way regardless of EXH. This Guy has clear communication issues, and no, relationships aren’t about playing games, you should be able to be vulnerable with your partner after 10 months. OP you will find someone better if you let this one go, he’s not compatible. Also, some therapy would be good as you are second guessing yourself a lot and need to build your confidence, so you can be assured that you are making the right decisions for yourself. It will hurt OP, but the relief you will feel from moving on from him will be worth it.

he has abandonment issues and went back on tinder because he was scared

I’ve heard it all now

Sorry OP, I hit post and realised that might sound a bit mocking.

Well, he said worried I might get back with my ex.... so boom, straight back on tinder, it was such early days I gave him a pass.

And you continue to give him passes, at the expense of your well-being.

“Well, he said worried I might get back with my ex.... so boom, straight back on tinder, it was such early days I gave him a pass.”

Sorry, OP, but it’s just so immature of him. No-one likes the idea of being abandoned. What’s he going to do next time his abandonment issues are triggered? He’s just making excuses for poor behaviour.

You’ve let him off up till now but he’s clearly doing your head in with his antics.

@famousforwrongreason Oh dear ... I hope it’s not the same man! Does his name begin with “A”?

I’m beginning to think there’s an entire army of lying, cheating, gaslighting creatures out there lying in wait to torment us. I wish they’d find something better to do with their precious time on this earth.

@SadSausage44 please don’t let this man torment you or waste any more of your precious time. It’s easy for us to say but you deserve better than this nonsense.

From reading all your posts, your BF sounds like a young, attractive and successful man who attracts a lot of female attention and subsequently has an enlarged ego.

@Upherefordancing It's not that he happens to attract female attention- he's deliberately seeking it out. Dating sites when he was seeing OP, sneakily having someone over without telling her, whatever the reason, and ogling women.

Your idea sounds like something from the book 'Why men love bitches.' It might work but I don't see that OP should have to play some kind of game to get him to treat her decently.

I also think that given his repeated pattern of behaviour, any change wouldn't last.

He has told me he has abandonment issues

Oh, he's so full of shit, it's like twat bingo. Although unfortunately there are a lot of variations on that game.

I think this is actually one if those fork in the road moments that you can look back on in years to come. He probably hasn't cheated, he probably does love you, but already you've got a sense of his wandering eye and you've seen that he can be selective with the truth when it comes to other women. The question is, what are you going to do with that information? Do you want to be looking back in 5 years time wishing you'd bloody listened to your gut and taken the sting of a 10month break up rather than the trauma of a 5year one?

I'd cut loose here, it's not worth the risk. You see it as a shame, a waste, a sign that you attract cheats after everything you went through with your husband. I'd say the opposite; this is the upside of everything you went through with him. Other women would feel vaguely uncomfortable but accept his bullshit excuse for hiding the fact that he had her round. You have seen straight through it and that is why you feel so dreadful. Your brain is screaming the answer at you but you don't want to hear it. He may not have even had bad intentions on this occasion, but he wasn't exactly honest and open was he? This can't be resolved - it is stuck in your head and you will revisit it every time you feel suspicious.

This is your canary in the coal mine!

I totally see where you are coming from. It's a tricky one...

You don't want to probe further incase it pushes him away. Tough one OP, I'd be upset too. 😫

How much do you like this guy?

My instinct is that it's not good. Why wouldn't he tell you she was there? Hmm... not good.

Ffs. Why do people need to be so rude. It's obviously NOT about a bloody plant! 🙄

Also. I wouldn't buy my new boss a plant. Way over the top.

I've read this thread and I think he's up Ronnie good. Can't shake the feeling for you.

I'm utterly heartbroken that the man I loved for 16 years (my exh) has left me in this state and is now happily shackled up expecting twins

Then you should not be in a ten month relationship, I'd be heartbroken if a bf of ten months said that about the ex.
You mentioned bf was worried about you getting back with ex and I'm not surprised.

Maybe think about how hes felt playing second fiddle to the ex for ten months, why would you put both of you through that?

You're angry he might start liking someone else?, he knows you have had someone else on your mind the whole time.

I don't think you should be with him or anyone until you've stopped feeling heartbroken about someone else.

Ok please don't get annoyed people..,,

But there are a lot of 'young, attractive' women with 'unusual foreign names' that consider attractive mid forties unmarried bosses to be a complete catch and will stop at nothing to get them. They are fantastic at inviting themselves places, being generally very amenable and accommodating and are dan hands at flattery,

My ex business partner had a couple latch on to him a while ago and god knows what they would have sold us if I'd not stepped in.

And these two worked together and were perhaps attracted to one another. So when the chance come to do so again couldn't resist. I see this so much at work, these flirtations (just as much lead by women as men) especially with young women who love the idea of the financial stability being with the boss brings.

But that doesn't mean anything has happened. It does mean that it could but if you are paranoid it won't help. Because he's not married he's fair game to these girls.

My ex had a secretary like this. They used to give each other shoulder rubs and joke and then I came on the scene and told him he was giving her the wrong idea (after he invited her on his boat, with me, and she turned up in a crop top with her mate clearly expecting something different).

He backed off and stopped the flirting because he wanted me. Sometimes they don't realise that it's not just a game for these girls. They are just having their egos stroked and she's thinking about how she will be with him. And it's not what they want,

So I'd have that convo. About she obviously likes you. Why aren't you together? And see what he says.

What is 'having a wobble' when your ex is with someone else and so were you?.

Nothing about this is beneficial to either of you and both of you are worrying the other is at it.

Walk away.

They are fantastic at inviting themselves places

@Vodkacranberryplease She presumably didn't turn up on his doorstep though, he invited her to his.

And this is on top of his other antics.

@SadSausage44 PP's are right that it's best not to date when you're still hung up on an ex though.

Don't make it into a big deal at this stage. Maybe you need to sit down with him and explain how you are feeling and that it's due to insecurities due to your ex. If he's a decent guy he will understand. You can then gauge his response too!

I have to say reading your posts, this man's behaviour and wandering eye (given your past experiences) may not be something that you should fob off. You need to find a man that isn't flirty and looks at younger women in front of you. You are also in a situation of being gaslighted if he is playing up. People find it so easy to say its you not him.
I think if you were 100% sure on who he was you wouldn't have doubts. I know 100% my partner would never cheat but my partner has given himself to me and I have given 100% to him. No surprises. We know each other inside out. I know when he is hungry without him saying it.
Personally I would sit down calmly with him and tell him you need some space and that this incident has rocked the boat a little for you. Dont blame him, just explain you feel uneasy. Then I would watch what he does, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

has a wandering eye and has blatantly checked out younger pretty girls in front of me on a few occasions. I just laugh it of and pit my uncomfortable feelings down to being insecure after being left in the most horrible way by my ex

Fuck that. This is completely disrespectful to you, and knowing your past, actually quite cruel. These younger women probably think he's a dirty old perv. Nobody enjoys being sexually gawked at by these old blokes.He's not the person you thought he was op.

Have a serious think about why you laughed it off. Because witnessing your partner perving on other women isn't normal and it's not funny at all. It's a red flag.

@Upherefordancing

Actually OP I do think this might be salvageable.

From reading all your posts, your BF sounds like a young, attractive and successful man who attracts a lot of female attention and subsequently has an enlarged ego.

But he also sounds quite kind and attentive when pressed, so there's a good chance he genuinely cares for you, but is just being majorly led by his dick at the moment, innocently or not.

IMO if you just alter your behaviour a little and become a bit more aloof and detached from the relationship for the time being, without it seeming an obvious negative reaction (ie be more confident) I think you may find you can turn him around in a short space of time. I say this from personal experience (not my own but friends). It's easier than you think to turn yourself into The Catch!

Lol.

[quote MollFlanders2020]@famousforwrongreason Oh dear ... I hope it’s not the same man! Does his name begin with “A”?

I’m beginning to think there’s an entire army of lying, cheating, gaslighting creatures out there lying in wait to torment us. I wish they’d find something better to do with their precious time on this earth.

@SadSausage44 please don’t let this man torment you or waste any more of your precious time. It’s easy for us to say but you deserve better than this nonsense. [/quote]
Not A, no but honestly, I'm starting to tho theyre all the same bloke. My recent cheaty ex seemed really decent then all of a sudden I noticed him seriously checking out women when we were out together. Always younger and well put together, so different from me.
as I'd said upthread, he revealed more and more stuff about himself, it's as though it was too much effort to retain his mask.

What's his past relationship history? Has he had anything long term, or is he likely a player. Not that you can always tell, I've recently ended things with someone who had a partner for 22years, but she knew he was a player when they met and from what he's told me - too open for his own good sometimes - he cheated on her numerous times. I asked if she knew, he said no, but given that the last 2 years they slept separately, and she ended up with alcohol and diazepam dependence and now has a shit life by the sound of it, I'd say she knew more than he ever thought. He's different now though - hmm, I doubt that somehow, I've seen him checking others out, and he relished telling me that he was being supposedly checked out by others in a pub garden whilst I was using the loo - told me the next day, so how and why I should know? It's ikely to keep me on my toes, prove he's attractive, which he is, but also insecure in other ways and likes the affirmation, it's something for him to cling onto. I'm in pretty good shape though for my years, and 5 years younger and can get some attention occasionally, but never look for it or acknowledge it. I could tell he didn't like it when someone checked me out once in front of him - I did the decent thing and pretended not to notice rather than reveling in it though.
I have no wish to be the next person to put up with infidelity, and I find a sea change or epiphany unlikely at his age. Glad to be out of it, a few sleepless nights mulling over all he's told me, combined with the end of covid lockdown was enough for me. I sleep much better now as feel better.