Going out of my mind, has my cheating ex husband totally f****d my trust or are these red flags with new partner?

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm going out of my mind with anxiety atm about something that had happened re my bf of ten months and a work colleague of his last week and could really with some perspective and opinions please.....
My ex husband lied and cheated on me in the most horrible of ways before I left him. After spending a while on my own I started dating present bf I met him on tinder 10 months ago.
We have a brilliant time, sex, friendship, a huge amount in common. He has 3 children who I haven't met yet, but he has recently told his ex wife about me with a view to meeting the kids etc.
I went to his house yesterday and there was a new plant/plantpot sitting on his windowsill.
I commented on it as it's really nice and asked him when he got it, I'm always at his house and have never seen it before so must be recent!
He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just *** he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.
So the weird thing is, he did mention last week he had a full on day with work and training etc, but he always works from home and when we were whatsapping throughout the day, he just said he was on calls etc and not once mentioned that this younger, attractive, intelligent woman who he has been mentoring was at his house for several hours. Just said he was super busy on calls and would be hard at work until bedtime.
So I said to him yesterday I found it strange that he hadn't mentioned the fact she'd been with him, if one of my work colleagues had been over I would have mentioned it in passing and it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not her being there, but the fact that he hadn't told me... that has now made me feel v uncomfortable about it all!
She's only been working with him for 2 months, I've found her online, she is very pretty and he has written a glowing commentary on her work skills.
When I asked him why she had bought him a plant, he said it's because she knows I'm moving house.
He gave me a cuddle and said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, we went for dinner and I've tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But alarm bells are ringing and I can't work out if it's because my head and ability to trust are in tatters because of what my ex did to me or if in fact it's not cool and I should listen to my gut about this...
I should add he told his ex wife about me the day this girl was over at his house so surely if he was having second thoughts or anything was going on he probably wouldn't?
I'm not going to see him for a week now as he is super busy with his kids etc but now I'm just suspicious about bloody everything and I'm terrified of ruining an otherwise amazing relationship...
Aaaargh, hate this

I think it is odd that he hasn't mentioned it because it is an exception. If he trained people at his house regularly then it would be different, but this is something that most people would have mentioned. Just like I usually work from home so the odd occasion that I have a meeting, I tell my friends or when I was seeing someone, I told him.

Id be suspicious too op. He withheld that info from you.....id want to know why 🤔

She is dictating who she is happy for him to have in house.
I'm saying it's his house and he is a grown man who will do what he wants, so it seems.
I'm saying if the OP isn't happy with that, understandably she needs to decide her boundaries.
Take control of how she's feeling .

Wrt to him telling his ex wife about you, that's a red herring. After I found out my ex had spent a few days away with his much younger and way more beautiful ex he decided it was time to make our relationship 'official' on social media.
Of course him not telling me he was away with an ex was completely innocent and had slipped his mind. Twice.
With different exes. But people on here told me I was being nuts and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
More and more stuff came out over time and it transpired he is a huge gaslighty cunt.
Your bloke might be innocent but he omitted information at first.

Gut instinct is there for a reason. Some of it is paranoia, some of it is warranted. You have to decide what you want to do about it. Wait and hedge your bets or note the possible warning signs.

I don't think she's dictating anything . She's confused and uncomfortable.

@Michaelbaubles

It’s very weird that a woman buys a present for her male boss who she’s worked for less than two months! House plant or otherwise.

Wonder if she was making her mark for the op???

Yes she's confused and uncomfortable so decide what to do rather than looking at him.
She can't control his behaviour.

Can I just reiterate I would never and have NEVER vetted who he can see and what he can do in his own house or anywhere.
He can have who he wants round, he often has his best female friend over, who i know he has slept with, but then it never turned into romance ... i trust him on that, I've hung out with her, we get on.
It's the fact that he has never done this before, why did she need to go to his house.....covid anyone? He omitted to tell me she had been there, it isn't a long term colleague they've only been talking for 8 weeks.
All just a bit fishy to me.
I'm starting to wonder if, as much as I love him, I can cope with this.

@Aerial2020

But this he is an adult. He doesn't have to answer to a girlfriend whonhe has in house. I'm NOT defending him at all but you can't tell people what to do. You can't control his behaviour. You can only control your reaction.

Amen. I have been in this scenario so many times and ignored my instincts because of believing it to be my issue and not theirs. Every single time I've turned out to be right. I canny believe the years I've wasted on absolute shitbags by trampling over my own boundaries to allow them to treat me like shit. Ive since had therapy and the reasons why I attract them and let them get away with it are so much clearer now.

@category12

I don't think she's dictating anything . She's confused and uncomfortable.

I am NOT defending him but if it was 62 year old Mike in accounts and he mentioned this at a later date then I'm guessing she wouldn't have had a prob with it so yes, a little. He could have a whole strip club in his house, of course no one would be happy with that but it's his house. So tell him not happy with it (the training)and decide if you trust him. If not, it's not a relationship for you.

She is dictating who she is happy for him to have in house

She’s not dictating anything. She’s remarking that she finds it odd he totally failed to mention there was a (young, attractive, subordinate) work colleague at his house for several hours, even though OP was in contact several times that day.

Now, it could be that his attitude is ‘I’ll have whoever I want in my house and it’s no one’s business, not even my girlfriend’s’. And that might be fair enough, but personally, I find that attitude a bit... shit. It’s not really in the spirit of being in a relationship is it?

Or it could be that he didn’t mention it because he wanted to hide it from OP. Whatever the reason, I would not be happy with the omission.

And, being a man, he probably expected that OP wouldn’t notice the plant, because it’s not something he would have on his own radar.

I don't mind about the training or that she's been to his house!
We were messaging all day, on and off, so actually he lied about what he'd been doing that day, because he wasn't on calls calls calls all day at all.
I will not be lied to, however silly it may seem to some of you, I feel very uncomfortable with what he told me or didn't tell me, not the fact he was training a young attractive female .... who bought him a bloody pot plant.

Yes it is odd that she has bought him a plant too. A pastry or coffee would be a token that's appropriate for a training meet at someone's house, not a plant.

You haven't had long enough on your own without jumping in again.
Already you refer to him as your partner, he's little more than a bf at this stage.
Slow down, maybe go for some counselling, find out who you are without a man clouding your issues.
It's better to be on your own than with just any bloke, you know.

It would be very easy to brush it off as “trust issues” etc due to your history but I prefer to see it as having heightened senses and better bullshit detection skills

I agree, and I always believe you should trust your instincts, it's made you re-evaluate things.. maybe this isn't right for you OP 🌺

I am NOT defending him but if it was 62 year old Mike in accounts and he mentioned this at a later date then I'm guessing she wouldn't have had a prob with it so yes, a little.

I firmly suspect that if it were Mike in accounts, Mike would have been mentioned in messages on the day. Except Mike didn't get an invitation...

The OP isn't controlling this man in the slightest. She asked about a plant that caught her eye and is now asking for people's opinions on a website about something. Trust your gut OP. It's usually right.

Meh. I feel like you've come to the wrong place for advice. Some posters will be desperate to kick you while you're down by telling you that you're being unreasonable and others have issues with ALL men so will want to convince you that he is a lying bastard.

I'd be uncomfortable but in your situation, I'd be talking to my boyfriend about it.

I think I'd sit on this for a while, try not to panic, unlikely anything has happened so far, but remain alert for signs of progeression, just in case. It's all you can do really at this stage, behave the same as ever and see if he changes

I'm utterly heartbroken that the man I loved for 16 years (my exh) has left me in this state and is now happily shackled up expecting twins with the ow and I'm on my own shitting myself because I don't think I'll ever be able to trust another man again in my life.
Fuck it, just fuck it all I'm so fed up.

Shacked I mean, however shackled is a good freudian auto correct slip up haha.

"I'd also be wondering if an incredibly flirty guy is the right guy for you?"

This. Especially coupled with your last update.

Your partner may well feel completely committed to you and may have got nothing beyond a bit of an ego boost from having had the younger, attractive colleague training with him all day. But the fact is that he has made an exception to usual practice for this colleague and, though he didn't conceal it when you questioned him on the pot plant, he didn't reveal it to you at the time in circumstances where he could have been expected to do so. So at some level, he recognised that there was something not quite right with what he did.

No-one's perfect and we all get things wrong from time to time in our relationships. So I wouldn't say that you should walk away now. But I think it's completely fair enough for your spidey senses to have gone on to alert over this. You may need to keep them on alert for a while and perhaps even take a slight step back in the relationship (not end it but perhaps get a bit busier with other things as well) while you decide whether or not it can meet your needs.

I don't agree with all the posters telling you to chill out OP, as it would make me suspicious too (and I've been married for years to a super-loyal DH).

A. He never mentioned on the day that she was training at his house, despite you messaging regularly that day
B. He's never had a work colleague to his house before
C. She bought him a pot-plant, which is the sort of thing a girlfriend would buy IMO.

If I were in your position I would busy myself with other stuff for the next fortnight or so, and be pleasant but not there for him whenever he's free. I think you need to put a bit of (hopefully) temporary distance between you for the time being.

Whatever you do don't do the opposite and tell him how you really feel, as I don't think that's going to save your relationship. At best I think he likes the attention and company of women and this thing with the work colleague is just innocent attraction. Good luck!

Oh OP, I really feel for you.
I think this would feel off to me as well; like you say, not the fact that she was there but rather the fact that he never mentioned it despite you speaking that day. It may be innocent but it wouldn't fill me with confidence.
I really hope that in time you can trust again; what a horrible man your ex clearly is.

I wouldn't catastrophise that you'll never be able to trust again. I think the right relationship just kind of works.

Do you know his relationship history and what broke up his marriage?