Going out of my mind, has my cheating ex husband totally f****d my trust or are these red flags with new partner?

[SadSausage44]

Hi, I'm going out of my mind with anxiety atm about something that had happened re my bf of ten months and a work colleague of his last week and could really with some perspective and opinions please.....
My ex husband lied and cheated on me in the most horrible of ways before I left him. After spending a while on my own I started dating present bf I met him on tinder 10 months ago.
We have a brilliant time, sex, friendship, a huge amount in common. He has 3 children who I haven't met yet, but he has recently told his ex wife about me with a view to meeting the kids etc.
I went to his house yesterday and there was a new plant/plantpot sitting on his windowsill.
I commented on it as it's really nice and asked him when he got it, I'm always at his house and have never seen it before so must be recent!
He said, oh, a friend got it for me.... which friend, I asked? Oh just *** he answered. I asked him when he saw her as he never mentioned it or her to me... and he said oh she came to my house last thursday for a work session, I had to give her some stuff and do some training etc.
So the weird thing is, he did mention last week he had a full on day with work and training etc, but he always works from home and when we were whatsapping throughout the day, he just said he was on calls etc and not once mentioned that this younger, attractive, intelligent woman who he has been mentoring was at his house for several hours. Just said he was super busy on calls and would be hard at work until bedtime.
So I said to him yesterday I found it strange that he hadn't mentioned the fact she'd been with him, if one of my work colleagues had been over I would have mentioned it in passing and it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, not her being there, but the fact that he hadn't told me... that has now made me feel v uncomfortable about it all!
She's only been working with him for 2 months, I've found her online, she is very pretty and he has written a glowing commentary on her work skills.
When I asked him why she had bought him a plant, he said it's because she knows I'm moving house.
He gave me a cuddle and said I have absolutely nothing to worry about, we went for dinner and I've tried to put it to the back of my mind.
But alarm bells are ringing and I can't work out if it's because my head and ability to trust are in tatters because of what my ex did to me or if in fact it's not cool and I should listen to my gut about this...
I should add he told his ex wife about me the day this girl was over at his house so surely if he was having second thoughts or anything was going on he probably wouldn't?
I'm not going to see him for a week now as he is super busy with his kids etc but now I'm just suspicious about bloody everything and I'm terrified of ruining an otherwise amazing relationship...
Aaaargh, hate this

I would feel the same OP. It would be very easy to brush it off as “trust issues” etc due to your history but I prefer to see it as having heightened senses and better bullshit detection skills. The passing it off as a “friend” at first and then admitting it was this colleague is a red flag. Having her over is another red flag, I see absolutely no need for this during a pandemic.

The only innocent explanation is that he knew you’d be threatened by her so didn’t mention it. But he hasn’t even used this as an excuse so I think it’s more likely that at the very least he is enjoying the ego boost of “mentoring” an attractive younger woman. As a pp said above, don’t gaslight yourself.

I can’t make up my mind.

He left the plant in situ rather than hiding or binning it. He told OP that the colleague had been present for some time (he could’ve said she’d dropped in briefly). He’s discussed the OP with his ex wife. There have been no previous issues.

But it’s strange that a training session was held in someone’s home during covid especially if there are no practical elements to the role. And I must say, whenever these types of threads appear, the colleagues who need stuff from the OPs’ partners (training, mentoring, reassurance, marital advice) are always conventionally attractive and female. It’s never Mike from Accounts, or stocky 62 year old Janice is it.

I’d love to say that you’re overthinking but I’m unsure OP.

@SadSausage44

He would never have told me if I hadn't mentioned/noticed the plant.

But why should he have? She's a colleague, they were working... he probably didn't think any of it was very interesting. And a houseplant is a profoundly un-erotic gift. The fact he was whatsapping you through the day sounds like his interest was very much on you, not her, even when she was in his house.

In my opinion, it's too early in the relationship for you to know every detail of his day, what friends he sees etc. I MIGHT find it weird if my partner of 10 years failed to tell me that a colleague came into the home we own together while I was out, but then again... I might not. I've never had cause to think he would be up to anything, though.

I think you need to stay calm and do a little work on yourself, in the nicest possible way. The alarm bells ringing in your head have more to do with your ex than with this guy. And the fact he was kind and understanding about where your head was at is such a good sign.

I agree, he prob didn't need to have her in his house.
But the OP can't do anything about that.
She can't do anything about how attractive she is, who he meets etc
All she can do is decide if she will accept it or if isn't the relationship for her.

I know how hard it is OP, and in all fairness it would have been nice of him to have told you and I think it must have just been a miscommunication on his part...he probably felt it was such a non issue and that's why he's not told you. I'm not belittling your feelings here, just looking at it from a different perspective.
I too have been in a terrible relationship and it's really tricky to see the good in someone else. He told you who it was from and didn't try to hide it when you asked so I would take that as a positive and that there is nothing going on between them.
It does get easier and you do start to learn that they are not all the same, but it is a bloody hard road to travel. Try to chill and enjoy a week to yourself. I find it helps to think of all the reasons I shouldn't believe the conclusions that I have jumped to by thinking of things he has said/done to show he is trustworthy.

I'd also be wondering if an incredibly flirty guy is the right guy for you? What's his relationship history? Why did his marriage break up?

@Aerial2020

I agree, he prob didn't need to have her in his house. But the OP can't do anything about that. She can't do anything about how attractive she is, who he meets etc All she can do is decide if she will accept it or if isn't the relationship for her.

So is he supposed to vet people who enter his home rated according to attractiveness??

Definitely weird. I also don’t think it was such a ‘non-event’ that he fortgot to mention it. It IS an event in current times to have people over at home, especially for a few hours, and people who are not family. And with life being so boring and non eventful, I would definitely mention a work colleague coming over.
Just thinking about it... I would be absolutely raging if my boyfriend had a pretty girl round this house without telling me. Yes, i would not be raging if she was ugly.

It would be very easy to brush it off as “trust issues” etc due to your history but I prefer to see it as having heightened senses and better bullshit detection skills

Exactly.

He probably instinctively did not tell you about the work session with the women because he knew you would be jealous and insecure about it and simple forgot about the plant.

So is he supposed to vet people who enter his home rated according to attractiveness??

No, but if you don't usually have colleagues round your house, you're WFH because of Covid and do all meetings remotely normally, it's bloody weird to have a young pretty employee round 1-2-1 and get given a pot plant by her.

@tara66

He probably instinctively did not tell you about the work session with the women because he knew you would be jealous and insecure about it and simple forgot about the plant.

I agree.

always conventionally attractive and female. It’s never Mike from Accounts, or stocky 62 year old Janice is it.

Quite!

OP it would also make me feel uncomfortable that he omitted to mention her presence if he'd been messaging through the day. Also, he said the plant was from a friend but in fact it was a work colleague? Why not just say work colleague would be my next question about that.

Listen to your gut. He might not be going to do anything about it even if he does fancy her but I wouldn't blame you for feeling like this.

@Gemma2019

If you are weird then I'm also weird, as I would find it very strange that my partner wouldn't mention that a work colleague had been at his house for several hours, especially when messaging all day.

In my experience if they don't mention, or get mentionitis, especially in the case of a young attractive woman thryve spent time with then there's something up. It might be as simple as he finds her attractive and is scared of giving himself away so chooses not to mention the fact that she was in his his house. If you'd never spotted the plant he'd likely have never told you and personally, given my experience I would find this an Amber flag and would expect him to either up his game now wwith being more upfront OR by trying harder to guide things. I would say keep your eyes open. If it's making you feel paranoid then maybe you aren't ready but equally he chose to erase her from that day for a reason.

@category12

So is he supposed to vet people who enter his home rated according to attractiveness??

No, but if you don't usually have colleagues round your house, you're WFH because of Covid and do all meetings remotely normally, it's bloody weird to have a young pretty employee round 1-2-1 and get given a pot plant by her.

Yup. Guaranteed he'd have mentioned if his middle aged frumpy colleague popped in for 'training' or a bloke.

@RUOKHon

It would be very easy to brush it off as “trust issues” etc due to your history but I prefer to see it as having heightened senses and better bullshit detection skills

Exactly.

Yup.

I do understand why you feel this way given recent history, but as yet, YABU.

He told you he was training someone that day, how odd would it be for him to have mentioned during the day: “Ekaterina is here, you should know she’s only young and very attractive, but you’ve got nothing to worry about....”
Would you expect him to mention “I’m training Josh on Thursday” and give you a bio of him?

It’s been hard enough for women to get where they have in the workplace, if young women are excluded from drinks after work, off-site meetings, work trips, because male colleagues fear their partners or colleagues will be suspicious, it just perpetuates the networking gap that has often damaged women’s progression.

@Aerial2020

But he did tell you

Only under duress and quite a while after the event. He had plenty of opportunity to say on the day when they were discussing his day. I've had this and every time it's involved an ex, an attractive woman or a stripper.

@justasking111
I've already said on page 2 that she can't vet who goes in his house.
Read the thread.
My comment was the OP can't do anything about the attractiveness as that is a point she keeps making, what the woman looks like.

I would find it weird that he hadn’t mentioned it. And I don’t have trust issues.

I’m easy going with regards to jealously, being insecure etc and would see this as a red flag.
He’s lied by omission and it’s sneaky behaviour as now he can plead innocently rather than having the balls to tell you something.

But this he is an adult. He doesn't have to answer to a girlfriend whonhe has in house. I'm NOT defending him at all but you can't tell people what to do.
You can't control his behaviour. You can only control your reaction.

I find having your very valid feelings and questions downplayed and belittled due to being abused in the past bordering on abusive. And misogynistic, men never get a pat on the head and told ‘there there you’re hysterical because you were abused previously’.

Just because you suffered trauma in the past doesn’t invalidate or negate your feelings and senses now.

Your P never trains anyone else in his house.

We’re in the middle of a pandemic and he’s working from home because of it as are many people.

He decides to invite a young attractive colleague to his house for personal training which is normally done online for everyone else.

He forgets to tell you about it although he messaged you throughout that day.

I would certainly have issues if it were my DP doing that.

Why the need to lie. And no it wasn’t because OP would have got jealous. You only hide things when you know what you’re doing is wrong.

It’s very weird that a woman buys a present for her male boss who she’s worked for less than two months! House plant or otherwise.

She's not trying to tell him what to do, tho, is she, Aerial2020? She's asking if her radar is off or whether other people would find it concerning.