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Original poster

Issues with bf sticking up for ex

227 replies

Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 09:15

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

OP posts:
ClementineWoolysocks · 25/08/2020 09:54

Why are you so concerned about her having had an abortion? Why is it brought up two years after the fact?
I don't actually think it's any of your business (yours or your boyfriends) and the subject doesn't need to be brought up for discussion.

QuietHouseToday · 25/08/2020 10:05

Yes, I wondered why you and he have opinions on, or discussions about, the time she had an abortion after becoming pregnant to a different man.

It's her business. Stop talking about it.

Mistystar99 · 25/08/2020 10:07

It is nice he is decent about the mother of his child. What is wrong with you?!

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:10

My bother is him continually feeling sorry for her and sticking up for her. I feel like it’s really bad that her boyfriend doesn’t know she aborted his child. Yet my boyfriend makes excuses for her 2 years on.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:11

DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS.
It's not unusual for children to cry at handover. Try Googling it...
Not sure why you would have an opinion on it; are you suggesting that he shouldn't see his mum?

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:12

It is not nice he is decent about someone who has been so sly and vindictive and lied. It gets brought up in arguments because he’s making excuses for her weekly.

OP posts:
IAmFleshIAmBone · 25/08/2020 10:14

Why are you making moral judgements on her aborting someone else's child? Why is it your business? Don't you think it's better that your partner doesn't bad mouth the mother of his child?

Suzi888 · 25/08/2020 10:14

Stop talking about her, it’s going to result in arguments.

It’s so sad the child doesn’t want to go there though.

ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:15

Why does he have to make "excuses"? What for?

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:15

@ravenmum I have two children of my own, He begs his dad to not make him go. Says he hates it at mummy’s and doesn’t like her. I am not suggesting he doesn’t go, but my OH doesn’t make her aware of the DS feelings. Mainly because he is too busy making excuses for her and feeling sorry for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:16

@ravenmum he makes excuses for all of her selfish, sly vindictive behaviour and has done since I met him.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/08/2020 10:17

I think you’re jealous of her. Look either accept he’s not going to slate her or move on.

ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:17

So he's trying to persuade his son that it will be OK at his mum's? Is that what you mean by excuses?

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:17

@IAmFleshIAmBone I make judgments because of the way she has lied. There is a poor man who thinks she is some kind of angel, when in fact she has aborted his child without telling him.

OP posts:
Menora · 25/08/2020 10:18

I think you posted about this before and everyone told you then that you were way too over invested and judging her like crazy when it isn’t your place to!

Also re the child: you aren’t his mother, he has a mother and a father who are clearly making decisions about him based on what’s best for him

Family still like ex - best for child
Exes get on - best for child
Abortion - probably what she thought was best for her and child
You causing constant arguments - bad for child

I really do advise you to walk away. You will never be happy in this situation and you know it. It’s been 2 years - it’s not getting better for you is it

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:18

@Bluntness100 I am 100% not jelous of her, I get annoyed that no one can see her for what she is more than anything. I can see how sly and vindictive she is, continually playing a victim.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:19

Do you talk about this woman in this nasty way to your bf? I would imagine that would just encourage him to defend her. Being so unpleasant is not going to do you any favours.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 25/08/2020 10:19

So? It's her choice to have an abortion. She doesn't have to tell anyone. If you have other issues with her, they don't have anything to do with her own private choices about her body, do they? Are you jealous?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/08/2020 10:19

Plenty of DCs are like this when they have to go to the other parents house, especially as he’s so little. It a big upheaval every week and your BF’s DS sees that your children get to stay while he’s taken elsewhere, so that must be hard for him. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t go and miss out on building a good relationship with his DM as he grows up.

Butt the hell out of the abortion issue - it’s got less than nothing to do with you. You sound a bit unhinged tbh. Your obsession with this after two years is unnecessary and unhealthy.

Menora · 25/08/2020 10:19

@Sunshine09876

Does this poor man have a mind of his own or are you his carer/advocate? Has he got his own mental capacity? Do you have power of attorney for him?

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:20

@ravenmum No he makes excuses for her jumping his DS off to her parents, or allowing him to be on the iPad 8 hours a day when she has him etc...

OP posts:
OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 10:20

I'm usually able to stand up for SMs on here but I'm struggling here.

I don't understand why her abortion is any of your business and why he even told you. Your opinion on whether she told her boyfriend or not is irrelevant. Why on earth is he having to stick up for his exes choice to have an abortion 2 years ago on a weekly basis? Why is this getting brought up so much? It's none of yours nor his business anymore.

I think he probably should get to the root cause of his sons dislike of going to his mother's. Maybe it is just a handover thing, maybe it isn't. I think his job as a parent is to speak to his son though and see if he can figure out why it is and then have a conversation with his mother.

At the end of the day though, if he won't do that then what can you do? I'd suggest that to my husband but then if he doesn't do it well that's up to him, it's his son.

I'm also not sure why you care so much that his family feel sorry for her. Do they dislike you or not bother with you because they still want him to be with her or something? If not and they still have a good relationship and are nice to you, then just get over it.

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2020 10:21

You’re totally jealous. All this abuse you’re hurling at her, wanting him to do the same. It’d none of your business her abortion, or why she didn’t tell the father, and is it up to him to co parent with her.

Either accept he is not going to join you in the abuse, or as said, move on. Stop obsessing over her.

Icanttakethiscrapanymore · 25/08/2020 10:21

How is the ex having a abortion any of your business ? I agree with your ex that it must of been traumatic for her, especially if she went though it alone. Regardless of circumstances. It’s also her right to not tell anybody.

OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 10:21

[quote Sunshine09876]@ravenmum No he makes excuses for her jumping his DS off to her parents, or allowing him to be on the iPad 8 hours a day when she has him etc...[/quote]
That's up to him though. It's his son. Just get on with parenting him at your house and leave his mother to do what she wants. If it's so awful, your partners son will realise when he's older and make his own choices of where to stay. For now, all you can do is make sure he's cared for at your home.

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